well i suffer from very low self esteem because since i was a little kid i have had a port wine stain, if anyone is not familiar with port wine stains basically they are birth marks which are sort of thickened red/purplish skin. Sadly i have the port wine stain all over my face and i do my best to hide it with make up, its a bit difficult but somehow i manage. Ive never really talked about this because it's something that is extremely painful to me so i try to just ignore at as best i can. I basically see myself as disfigured even though most people dont even know i have it since i always wear make up to cover it. I have it on my cheeks, chin, mostly sides of my face and even a little bit by my mouth. It kills me to look at myself in the mirror this way, i literally cannot look at my face without make up because i will cry 🙁 transitioning has amplified this feeling of disgust with myself by the way. I have had laser treatment's and everything but of course i never manage to keep it away, the most recent attempt with laser's was 2 yrs ago and it was not successful at all they could barely remove a tiny bit. Recently it has gotten worse to the point where it's grown a bit and also become thicker, it also bleeds sometimes to make things worse. I cant find a way out of this hell, i dont know what i really want at the moment i am incredibly depressed and have begun to have second thoughts about transitioning, i know being a woman is what ive always wanted and what i want in life but i dont want to be a disfigured woman--- we all gotta admit that as women looks are somewhat of a big deal. I am at cross roads right now, extremely distressed because of my birth mark and gender and sometimes death seems like the only solution to this nightmare.
