Thank you. Working on it, and I'll get there, so long as I don't give up.
Woke up today with a dry mouth and throat, uh-oh I think, feels like I may be getting mom's cold. While getting ready for work, having fits over my hair because its been so dry and brittle the past few days, looks like its been fried like some people dry their hair beyond necessary (I always let mine dry itself) or when they use too many harsh chemical on their hair. My hair looks old, like it should be on someone 20-30 years my senior, I don't know what the hell is going on, but its not good. And somehow, I think its thinning out too, even found that it appears I have a bald spot to one side, wonderful, that's all I need.
Got to work, started housewares, struggled to maintain my sanity, still not feeling good, tip of my tongue feels like I burned it like when you put too hot of food in your mouth, mouth and throat very dry, and I had very little energy. Got one U-boat worth done, then was going to take my break. Clocked out, went to the back, went to open my locker...uh, okay, where are my keys? They should've been hooked to one of my belt loops on my pants, nope, not anywhere on me. I retraced my steps around the store, finding nothing and knew I wouldn't because stupid me hooked them right back onto my purse when I put my stuff in my locker at the start of the day, I'm sure of it now, as I now didn't ever recall hearing any jingling along my side while working.
I told boss lady what happened, and that I needed to go home now so I can still get in, before my mom leaves for work, so I can get the spare key, if I can find it. Told her I'd be back soon and finish up what I was doing. So I clocked out, rushed out and home. Knocked on the door, Snickers barked her head off, mom came and answered it, confused as to why I'd be home now, so early. I told her what happened, then started fishing through every place I thought I may've put that extra key. She annoyed me with the same barrage of questions over and over again, I was flustered as was and now starting to snap at her. I didn't find that extra key, then after a bit of searching realize that I probably don't have it because it may've been one of those items amongst many other things that got left behind when last we became homeless. Okay, I guess I'll just have to take some tools and see if I can break that lock then.
Mom drove me back to work, following me in. I got to my locker and proceeded to go to work in trying to destroy it. She was standing over me watching, too close, and I was in a very foul mood, "Uh, are you just going to stand there and watch me?" I growled at her. She walked off to walk around the store. Yeah, wasn't very nice of me, but see, that's what happens when the old me has enough time be out, he's a jerk ass and I wish horrible excruciating pain upon him. Unfortunately that'd be me, its not like I can separate my male and female sides into two different people, I'd tell him to take a hike.
My mom came back around every few minutes to see how things were going, I tried not to act like an ->-bleeped-<-, but was still growling out answers. Soon after she had to leave to get to work herself, leaving me her housekey just in case, I continued to grind and rip away at my lock with the best tool for the job that I had, a screwdriver. Got the keyhole widened, and split, ah, finally, half of it fell out! Moments later, click, lock opens. Thank goodness. It took about 20 minutes, so not too bad. If it took all day I'd still been there as stubborn as I am, but so glad it didn't, my mental state would've declined a lot more than it already was.
I opened up my locker and sure enough, there were my keys, attached to my purse. Went to the hardware section, grabbed another lock, a combination one, payed for it. Big mistake, after like a dozen tries I was only able to unlock it once by no understanding whatsoever of how I even did. I followed the directions but somehow this simple task was confusing and difficult... to hell with it! Probably'd end up forgetting the numbers anyway. Went and got a normal padlock like the one I just destroyed, but skimpier, a cheapie. Okay, everything fine now, so calm the f@#$ down already. Put my stuff away again, this time making absolutely sure I had my keys on me (this was the first time I had ever done something like this, but I certainly didn't need it happening again, and so soon), then clocked back in to finish the rest of my day.
Was going to continue with housewares but wasn't in the mood, so went to HBC instead, even though I knew 2 hours wasn't going to be enough time to complete what I had on the U-boat, will just do what I can and pick up where I left off with this and housewares maybe tomorrow. I started having some internal issues while working, this after seeing a bunch of girls and young ladies come in dressed for dancing, having come over probably to buy snacks, drinks or something from the dance studio right next to us. Anytime I see women wearing leggings or such it kind of gets to me, seeing them being able to express how they dress so freely, not ever having to worry about some disgusting wormy looking thing with a nut sack showing itself and disturbing their beauty and peace of mind. They are free, I still feel like a prisoner looking out from myself, longing to be like them. I fought off tears, got angry at myself instead, continued working.
Only good point in the day was when a young lady came up to me asking where the tweezers were, telling me that I had to show her where they were because, "I can't see a f@#$ing thing without my glasses." Seriously, those are the words she used. I thought that was great, just so casually said, brought a smile to my face. I really needed this and appreciated the word usage as I had been cursing up a storm today, so it was good hearing it from some other woman and not in anger like how I had been.
My mom doesn't like what I'm like this, has told me many times that I'm scary, its like when I start showing so much rage and spouting violence, I become a whole 'nother person. I don't like it either but I can't help it, can see myself behaving this way but its almost like I'm not home, and the worst I act, the more I hate myself for it, the more likely I'll do something to hurt myself. That is my male side. My female side is nice and sweet (most of the time), she's emotional at times but rarely ever aggressive, and she doesn't try to hurt herself either, and I so want her back right now.
So, I'm home now, took a shower when I came in, rinsed my hair but didn't put anything in it, still it looks like hay. Looked on the internet for ideas, okay, I think I can do this one. I don't have any olive oil, so canola oil will have to do. Only a little bit of honey left (mom's been using it to soothe her throat), but should be enough. Mixed oil and honey together, smoothed into hair and scalp. Was going to do mayo and eggs but those would've been too messy and smelly. Been typing this message up for over an hour now, eating a bowl of fruit that I didn't have enough time to eat for breakfast earlier, still sitting here smelling like a bee's ass, sweet as honey.
I was going to make some calls today, try to find some more doctors for the HRT, but mom told me that the phone is dead, ran out of airtime, need to get another phone card. I think we both forgot about that over the weekend. I'd like to be dead right now, then I wouldn't have to be going through this crap, its been too long, too many years, yet I tiredly go on just to face the same ->-bleeped-<- tomorrow, and once again as its been every day for the past couple weeks, the thing down below giving me a not so wonderful start to my morning.
Took dog out, feeling a little bit better. It helped typing all this up because by the time I was finished I felt more calm, but always the next storm is ever on the horizon.
