Feeling a bit lost and a little betrayed

[Jessikee]

D and I have been together for approximately 3 and a half years, we're suppose to be getting married in October, and today I found out some things, on my own, that I didn't know and that I personally believe I should have been told before this point in our relationship.

I wish I could go more into detail but I have to run out the door to work or I'm going to be late, I just needed to get this out on here so I could come back to it later and get some support. I just needed to get something off my chest. I'm just so stressed out. Part of me feels guilty and another part of me feels betrayed.

Family dynamics aren't the way he's explained them to me. His past wasn't exactly the way he's explained it to me. And I'm just I'm lost and I want to talk to him about everything... but I'm feeling selfish because today is my birthday and I don't want it to be ruined by my emotions and things that were kept from me.

Is it normal for people to hold so much from their SO even after they've been out to you for 2 years and they're comfortable with you and talking to you about what they've been through? I'm just so lost and I don't know how to bring up the issues I need to talk to him about.

[Hermione01]

I'm sorry to hear that your partner has kept information from you.  Is it something that will affect your relationship or is it something that would have been nice for him to have shared but not detrimental to your overall relationship? 

Maybe he has his reasons, good reasons why he held it back or maybe it just slipped his mind, didn't seem important to burden you with. Idk.

I hope you can sit down and talk with him about it and if you can ask him not to be afraid to share, that you want to know all there is to know as you do likewise. If you found out this information by snooping around be prepared for a little backlash from him. 

BTW, 'Happy Birthday!'     

[Princess of Hearts]

The expectation that someone close to us should share their inner thoughts, feelings and beliefs can so easily and unconsciously slip in to a demand that another person tell us everything about themselves.   Maybe your partner feels pressured into constantly 'sharing' his process with you, and resents it?   
In addition most men simply don't feel the need to connect constantly with their feelings etc and share them with others.  You will only drive him further away if you became all huffy and annoyed that he hasn't told you everything. 

[Jessikee]

See, things he kept from me kind of boggles my mind. It's just things about his siblings, things that aren't a big deal. Plus, other things I came across make me think he hasn't been out to his family, or anyone for that matter for as long as he says he has. I don't know. I dont even know how to put my feelings into words right now. I'm just confused and lost and a little hurt and... I don't know. I guess this will all get figured out eventually... I keep telling myself that someday this will all get easier and that someday I'll know all of his secrets, but I guess I'm going to just have to come to terms with the fact that that isn't ever going to happen.

Sorry of this is jumbled, I'm in my phone at work. I just needed to check this and talk a bit more.

Also, thanks for the birthday wish.

[Jessikee]

I'm home from work now so we plan on talking about all the things I came across today. I love him so much and I just want to resolve all this. I need to know the things about his family that he's hiding from me before we combine our families. I'm just so stressed out and worried.

[Cindy]

I think it is time to sit down with a cup of tea and have a talk.  Remember some people are good communicators and some are bad. They may not mean to not tell something but they get caught up in an emotional spiral and miss an opportunity to tell others what they want to tell, and then it gets too hard.

I'm sorry for the questions but is your partner MtF? If so she may have years of being scared and of regressing her thoughts and emotions. That is not meant to be an excuse, but as a possible  explanation so that you can begin the dialogue in a positive way.

Remember we are here for you.

Hugs

Cindy

[JoanneB]

There can be man factors as to why in play. In my case I came from a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic father on top of always knowing I was different. My wife knew I was full of .... manure, when she asked me what my childhood was like and i said normal. Some 30 years later it is still difficult for me to describe what it was like and what I went through.

Often, "Normal" or "Nothing special" is the least painful response.

[Jessikee]

I think it is time to sit down with a cup of tea and have a talk.  Remember some people are good communicators and some are bad. They may not mean to not tell something but they get caught up in an emotional spiral and miss an opportunity to tell others what they want to tell, and then it gets too hard.

I'm sorry for the questions but is your partner MtF? If so she may have years of being scared and of regressing her thoughts and emotions. That is not meant to be an excuse, but as a possible  explanation so that you can begin the dialogue in a positive way.

Remember we are here for you.

Hugs

Cindy

I'm actually a cis-female and he's a FtM who's fully transitioned. We were together for over a year before I even found out he was Trans, and I only found out because his mother wrongfully outed him because she still resented him and had ill feelings towards him and wanted to hurt him and our relationship (he had called her out on it and she admitted to it). Recently he thought she had been coming around because she was being really positive and happy with him and positive towards our relationship, and last night he came across an obituary of his Grandmother that recently passed away and she (his mom) used his old name. Naturally he's angry right now after coming across this information and feels betrayed and I wish more than anything that I could truly understand how he feels. I know I don't, but I am certainly doing my best to be there for him. Unfortunately we live a 6 hour drive apart right now, we visit as often as possible, and I can't be right there with him and it's killing me.

Thankfully, we met online so our whole relationship was built on communication. I know it seems that being thankful for meeting someone online sounds crazy, but really we are so good at talking things out without getting angry and turning things into screaming matches. I'm extremely grateful. I realize that there are things that he'll have a hard time talking to me about. We actually sat down on the phone last night and talked, both of us wished that we could have done it face to face but it just wasn't an option as I'm in the middle of my work week and don't have a day off any time soon.
We talked everything out, we took our time and he set my mind at ease. There were a few things that he kept from me that I was shocked by. None of it was really about him, most of it was family related. He has one fully biological younger brother, a half brother, a half sister, and a younger half brother, and an older sister that he was ashamed of because of her terrible life choices so to make it sound less harsh he made it sound like he had an older brother making these bad choices. The way his family tree branched out was something I felt like I should have a heads up on, considering we're planning on combining our families in October. I don't want to call someone by the wrong name, which would have happened with two of his brothers because he was trying to keep it all private because his siblings still have a hard time with his "decision" to be who he's always been. We talked, things were cleared up, and he's assured me that he believes I now officially know everything. I really hope that's true, because he's told me that before and then I found all of this stuff out.

I'm still a bit stressed out because my family thinks he has two brothers with different names and a brother that is actually a sister and I'm not really sure how to go about correcting that considering my family doesn't know D is FtM and they won't know unless someone other than us tells them. I'm sure it'll all work out.

However, all the plans for a decent wedding are being set aside because he is upset about not having much family to invite, considering a large majority of them have disowned him, and the ones that may show up could be destructive. I want our wedding to be a happy day filled with love. And we're both terrified that if we include his family in that it won't turn out the way we want. So, it looks like a wedding at the courthouse is something in the future and maybe someday, maybe when we're ready to renew our vows, his family will come around and they can be a part of it.

I'm sorry if this was so jumbled. My thoughts are still all over the place. Yesterday was my birthday and I lost a friend in a horrific car accident, so needless to say I'm dealing with quite a bit and doing my best to keep my head up and be the fiance' he needs me to be.

Thank you again for your support and understanding, and if anything in this post comes across as harsh I promise you I'm not trying to make it be that way.

[tekla]

However, all the plans for a decent wedding are being set aside because he is upset about not having much family to invite, considering a large majority of them have disowned them, and the ones that may show up could be destructive. I want our wedding to be a happy day filled with love. And we're both terrified that if we include his family in that it won't turn out the way we want. So, it looks like a wedding at the courthouse is something in the future and maybe someday, maybe when we're ready to renew our vows, his family will come around and they can be a part of it.

Time to whip out the wedding golden rule - whoever has the gold (is paying for it), gets to make the rules, or in this case, address the invitations.  It's your day, you don't have to invite anyone - ANYone - who would detract from that central point.

[Jessikee]

Time to whip out the wedding golden rule - whoever has the gold (is paying for it), gets to make the rules, or in this case, address the invitations.  It's your day, you don't have to invite anyone - ANYone - who would detract from that central point.

This is all very true. We're slowly working on a guest list, but he's upset by how many people he won't be adding to the list. :/ So we're dealing with this carefully. I'm trying not to go over board but I have a decently sized family full of people who are excited about the coming wedding and want to be a part of it. :/

[tekla]

Well, depending on what kind of wedding you are going to have there is some $x number per guest.  So feeling sad about not inviting them is also feeling happy about not having the bill go ever higher.

[Jessikee]

Well, depending on what kind of wedding you are going to have there is some $x number per guest.  So feeling sad about not inviting them is also feeling happy about not having the bill go ever higher.

Very true. :]

[Cindy]

Thanks for the explanation Jessi. He sounds a nice guy who has a horrible family to deal with.

I think you should have no problems organising a terrific wedding. As Tekla said it is your wedding and your big day. No one else's.

I had none of my family present when I got married, we had 12 people in total. They were people we loved.

It was a good day and we are still married 28 yrs later.

Hugs

Cindy

[ToriJo]

As for wedding, have *YOUR* (you and your fiance's) wedding, not anyone else's.  Do what makes you both happy.  If that's inviting 1000 family members, fine.  If it's inviting no family members, fine too.  I had a formal wedding, but no family members.  It's sad when you can't include some people, but sometimes that is what is best.  We only invited people we knew wanted to be there.  If we weren't sure they wanted to be there, we didn't invite them.

It's hard to break tradition and do your own thing, but that is kind of the point of a wedding - not only to combine families, but also to establish a separate family, both similar to the original families, but, importantly, different, unique, and even greater than the families that came together.  It's more than the sum of the parts!

I am so grateful about the things we did that were our own at the wedding.

[Jessikee]

I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. It's so wonderful for me to have a place like this to talk about all of this. I know I'm not Trans, but you've done nothing but treat me wonderfully.

As for planning the wedding, I'm going to have to start over and go over my guest list again. To start with I didn't want anything too huge. We both want more than anything to be able to invite his Mother, Step Dad and siblings, but I'm terrified. I'm terrified they'd try to do something to screw it up for us. Something to out him to my family. The only sibling that is fully supportive of him is his biological brother. I just don't want too many people asking 'why' when it comes to the reasons his family isn't at the wedding.

Also, is there any right way to go about talking to his Mom about this? I want to have a relationship with her, but I feel like I can't do that until she fully accepts and loves her son. She's still using the wrong pronouns, even after 8 years of him starting and finishing his transition, and it really hurts me, and it hurts him. Even his brother slips up sometimes after he goes and visits their mother, because she'd determined to be right and in control. She's a control freak like that. If things don't go her way then the world may as well be ending. He doesn't really stand up for himself either 'cause he doesn't like confrontation, especially not with the little bit of family that hasn't fully disowned him. This is all eating me alive. I want to scream at her and make her realize what she's doing. I've done nothing but dream about it the past 3 nights. I want her to be a part of our future. We're planning on having kids, I want them to have two sets of grandparents, I want them to have Aunts and Uncles from both sides of the family, I just don't know how it's ever going to work if even after 8 years they can't use the right pronouns and stop hurting his feelings. They haven't disowned him, but they continue to hurt him on a regular and daily basis by calling him their "sister", "Daughter", "her", and "she". I don't know how long I can keep my mouth shut. I'm terrified for the next time I see his Mom or his sister, who is just as bad as his Mom. Besides, they never have nice things to say about me behind my back, mind you I hardly know them and I've done nothing but love D unconditionally. I just don't know if there is anything I can or should do about all of it... Does anyone have any input?

[madwoman_in_the_attic]

Using the wrong pronouns IS super hateful, make no mistake. It sounds as if his Mom is being narcissistic - thinking about the effect on HERself rather than what's best for him. I've learned enough to know this is a common reaction.

You may have to send HIM to this web site about dealing with narcissistic parents: http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/. Yes the title is "daughters" but really it works for anyone. If the narcissist is too controlling, the only path of sanity is to go either limited contact or no contact; those are your choices! Quoting: "The motto of this website is: The Pain Stops Here."

(If this situation is "eating you alive" then I recommend you pretend the site is "daughters-in-LAW" of narcissistic mothers et cetera. There is NOTHING to be done with these people except protect yourself from them. And yes, it's super fricking sad. And we partners of trans people have to make sure to take care of OURSELVES or we won't be any good for our partners either...but you know that, you're here asking for help, and I want to send you lots of supportive energy!)

If it turns out that HIS Mom is not narcissistic but has some other type of problem, well, this stuff takes time. After years and YEARS I got my own mom in law to stop telling one particular very hurtful story. Maybe it was true, maybe it happened that way, but raking it up over and over again was SO not helpful. After about a decade of seeing her son happy she - as a favor to me - stopped. (Having said that, she was not a narcissist and had many great qualities and I miss her a lot. And even with that, her son was so angry at certain aspects of his up-bringing that he didn't want to invite her to our wedding and it was a near thing.)

Getting down to brass tacks here, I think that if you have ANY of his family there besides that one brother, they will OF COURSE out your husband to his new in-laws, because they clearly (at least the Mom) want to cause pain and hurt and maximum drama. If it were me I'd proactively tell everyone on your side: my husband-to-be is FtM, he's like any other guy now and it's no big deal. Then you can invite some of his family, if it's important for YOU to have them there. But by doing that you take away the opportunity for his relatives to hurt you. And you also give your family the opportunity to step up and show how welcoming they are to your husband, and contrast themselves with the mean bunch. Unless you plan to keep the secret for your ENTIRE LIFE, I'd tell them now.

I worked and worked on my own wedding, and most of the bad stuff that I worked to forestall did NOT happen, but then my AUNT went and ruined it. (Not for me but for much of both sides of my family.) Um, I take all this as an opportunity to rise above it and enjoy my partner...

[I am probably confusing you by mentioning my wedding to a man. That marriage ended quite some time ago and I returned to being a lesbian. Now I'm happily engaged to a trans woman - MtF - whose mom tries hard to use the correct NEW TRUE pronouns and - thank God - seems to like me.]

[ONLY if it would amuse you and DISTRACT you from how awful his Mom is being, I'm happy to complain about my Aunt or tell you the awful story my mom-in-law used to repeat. I'm not doing that now 'cause this is already too long.]

Many hugs,

Maddie

[justmeinoz]

As the madwoman in the attic said, it's YOUR wedding, so anyone who is going to be disruptive is obviously not a friend, and really doesn't want to be there anyway.  Make their day by not requiring them to attend something they won't enjoy.  Just invite your true friends, and have a really good time. 

Your future mother-in-law sounds like a nasty piece of work frankly, if she wants to keep hurting her son in that way.  Eight years is long enough for even an idiot to learn the right way to do something.  She is acting maliciously, pure and simple. I'd ask her if she really wants to be there and be pleasant, and if she says no, then let her know you won't bother sending her an invitation.

The family are all adults, and responsible for their actions.  They need to be made to realise that their actions are not appreciated, and are hurtful, and will be treated as such.  I hope you have a fantastic day, you both deserve it.

Karen.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Jessi,

Be it known; your thoughts and feelings that you have expressed here, are more than adequate proof, you SO's are truly the unsung heros of this community.

Also be comforted in the knowledge that your pain is being felt and carried by many here. I know there are many here, self included. that know your pain, but it is too raw and too close to our own sensitivities for us to actively engage in any meaningful and worthwhile dialogue. Yet hopefully the simple fact you have been able to share your grief and pain with the silent majority, means it is a pain and grief that is being carried by many for you.

I commend you for being the open and remarkable person you are; and to have found an equally remarkable and loving husband-to-be. He has obviously had a rough journey along the way, and in now being rewarded by your love and devotion. Just like piano strings that are put under enormous stress, produce the sweetest sounds.

Forever supporting you both, and wishing you every joy and happiness in October and beyond. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. SO's invariably need just as much, if not more support, than those of us who transition.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Jessikee]

Catherine, Karen, and Maddie,

Thank you all so much! You're support means the absolute world to me and, Catherine, you actually made me cry a little bit. I often feel like I don't belong here because I myself am not Trans but now I can see that I am loved and supported just as much and I really do need that. There isn't a single person I can even talk to about this in person so I'm glad I have this safe place to come to.

You may have to send HIM to this web site about dealing with narcissistic parents: http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/. Yes the title is "daughters" but really it works for anyone. If the narcissist is too controlling, the only path of sanity is to go either limited contact or no contact; those are your choices! Quoting: "The motto of this website is: The Pain Stops Here."

I just went to this website and read through it. So much of it describes his mother to a perfect 'T' and I'm glad it exists. I'm going to send it to him after I talk to him about it. He gets a bit defensive, because again he doesn't like confrontation and he doesn't like seeing me upset because of his mother and family. Thank you so much for the link!

If it were me I'd proactively tell everyone on your side: my husband-to-be is FtM, he's like any other guy now and it's no big deal. Then you can invite some of his family, if it's important for YOU to have them there. But by doing that you take away the opportunity for his relatives to hurt you. And you also give your family the opportunity to step up and show how welcoming they are to your husband, and contrast themselves with the mean bunch. Unless you plan to keep the secret for your ENTIRE LIFE, I'd tell them now

We are planning on taking his being FtM to the grave with us. He doesn't feel like he should have to tell anyone, as in his mind there's never been any question about what his sex is, he's always been Male and doesn't want to get into details with people, plus I come from a very conservative family who wouldn't exactly be very supportive at first and I feel like it would take them a really long time to come around if they found out about his "past." He's happy with where he is. He's happy with the man he has become and will continue to be, so I'd rather not make life any harder on him by telling more people. We live in the South so it would just be harder for him here.

As the madwoman in the attic said, it's YOUR wedding, so anyone who is going to be disruptive is obviously not a friend, and really doesn't want to be there anyway.  Make their day by not requiring them to attend something they won't enjoy.  Just invite your true friends, and have a really good time. 

Your future mother-in-law sounds like a nasty piece of work frankly, if she wants to keep hurting her son in that way.  Eight years is long enough for even an idiot to learn the right way to do something.  She is acting maliciously, pure and simple. I'd ask her if she really wants to be there and be pleasant, and if she says no, then let her know you won't bother sending her an invitation.

The family are all adults, and responsible for their actions.  They need to be made to realise that their actions are not appreciated, and are hurtful, and will be treated as such.  I hope you have a fantastic day, you both deserve it.

Karen.

Karen, you are absolutely right. My future mother in-law IS a nasty piece of work and she breaks my heart. The first time I met her she outed D at dinner in front of other people, in a public place. It made me sick and it almost cost us our relationship, as I had no idea about any of it until this happened. Thankfully we talked and everything has worked out, but it just goes to show how far she'll go to make someone miserable, even with his brother who has been his rock and support system through his whole transition. He was the only family member that didn't give up on him, and even he knows how awful their mother is but she still gets to him when he goes home.

As for the wedding, we've talked. Our money situation is tight, much like most people in this terrible economy, and my family can't afford a wedding, so we've talked and I think we've decided on just eloping with my family and some close friends, we haven't discussed his brother being there, but I'm sure he'll want him there, we just have to be careful. We don't think his Mom will get mad, neither of us even thinks she WANTS to be a part of our wedding we just can't rub it in her face that my family was there or she'll turn into an all out monster and try to make things hurt and will attack us both. We were thinking about eloping and just spending the money we've saved up on an amazing one-two week honeymoon together in some wonderful place where we can just be alone and happy together.

Maddie, you're more than welcome to share your stories. I'd love to hear them as I'm still pretty new to all of this. D and I have been together for a little over 3 years but I've only known about his transition for about half of that time and I'm still learning, and boy do I mean learning. I've done so much research and looked into so many things just so I have a little bit better idea of what he's going through, though I KNOW I'll NEVER fully understand it, I just want to be able to be as supportive as possible because I love this man. He's actually the person who directed me to this site and I'm so glad that he did.

You're all wonderful. Thank you again for your kind words and support. Also, I'm sorry this is so long and that it took me so long to reply. My best friend, her fiance' and my two God Daughters were in town last week, as well as D and I just didn't have any time to break way to the computer.

[justmeinoz]

Eloping with the wedding guests sounds brilliant!

Are you going to Las Vegas for an Elvis Chapel wedding or would that be too cheesy?

There are lots of fun alternatives, and it is YOUR DAY so you set the rules.   

Weddings in the local Botanical Garden, or even backyard weddings are quite accepted here, especially for second marriages or if your friends know you haven't got a lot of cash.  Farming families will sometimes clean out the shearing shed for the reception, and if the couple have been living together for a while, they will drive off in a ute (pick up) with all the cans and slogans, do a lap of the paddock and come back and party on.

Main thing is have a great time with the one you love and are saying to the world that you want to spend your life with.

Karen, (who now wants a white wedding with gorgeous gowns for the brides. )