I think I may do it for real this time

[Tazia of the Omineca]

I wanted my mind to change, but it was like "LOL Nope!"

[Sweet Blue Girl]

Hi Vanna!
I just want to add something to this conversation, also if it's difficoult because everyone here spook better than I could do.
Basically i think you say two different things at the same time, and you know that as well. You miss your boyish life. And you miss being male because you are not satisfied with the way your body feels.

But keep the things separated. Growing up, not being a teen or a real young boy is tough for a boy or a girl. Loosing friends and person you love is an ordinary routine out there. You can work it out! Maybe it takes time but you ll have a better social life for sure. Try to see a therapist. Anyway going back is not the only option you have.  I say it because my life takes the opposite direction. I am fighting everyday to come out, to restore my need of life, love and sharing. I think, at least for me, that impersonating someone is much easier, you only choose the better things and send the others away, but with time you come to the point you ve only lost years not risking anything, not being anyone for real.

The body feeling is another thing. It s very personal and complicated. But from what you say it seems to me that you are not satisfied with how much feminine you look and feel still a guy. If that s the feeling going back would make things worse.

Hope it helps

[VannaSiamese]

Hi Vanna!
I just want to add something to this conversation, also if it's difficoult because everyone here spook better than I could do.
Basically i think you say two different things at the same time, and you know that as well. You miss your boyish life. And you miss being male because you are not satisfied with the way your body feels.

But keep the things separated. Growing up, not being a teen or a real young boy is tough for a boy or a girl. Loosing friends and person you love is an ordinary routine out there. You can work it out! Maybe it takes time but you ll have a better social life for sure. Try to see a therapist. Anyway going back is not the only option you have.  I say it because my life takes the opposite direction. I am fighting everyday to come out, to restore my need of life, love and sharing. I think, at least for me, that impersonating someone is much easier, you only choose the better things and send the others away, but with time you come to the point you ve only lost years not risking anything, not being anyone for real.

The body feeling is another thing. It s very personal and complicated. But from what you say it seems to me that you are not satisfied with how much feminine you look and feel still a guy. If that s the feeling going back would make things worse.

Hope it helps

I am, and am not satisfied with how I look.  I'm satisfied to the point where I know I look like a woman and nobody could ever tell I was really a guy.  I'm not satisfied in that I still obsess over parts of my body, regardless of how I look, or feel.  When I look in the mirror, I see a woman... but I don't completely feel like a woman... and that causes problems
As a girl, I miss parts of being a boy... the simplicity of life, how I felt socially comfortable, my friends, my family, being comfortable with my body.  However, if I go back to being a boy, I am also going to miss things... feeling pretty, the attention from boys, some of the cloths (except bras, I can't stand bras), maybe the makeup, and the flexibility I have.  So, to me, it seems most logical to go back to being an androgynous or feminine boy.  A boy that wears a mix of boy and girl cloths, not hiding what I was born, not afraid to develop strong friendships and relationships... basically, be just me.  Then I can have the best of both worlds... be comfortable with myself, and show people who I really am... which is basically a boy that wants to be a girl, but still enjoys things about being a boy.

[MacKenzie]

I am, and am not satisfied with how I look.  I'm not satisfied in that I still obsess over parts of my body, regardless of how I look, or feel.  When I look in the mirror, I see a woman... but I don't completely feel like a woman... and that causes problems.

    Most bio women obsess over their bodies like that too so should we as transwomen be any different? I know how you feel i do that same things, looking in the mirror at myself obsessing over my body, it's just part of being a woman. It took me a long time but i've finally made peace with the fact that i can't be 100% female, but i can be 90% or even 95% percent and that's good enough for me. The more i read your posts the more i can relate to myself and that scares me because i'm afraid you're making the same mistake i did by de-transitioning. Like i said in my earlier post when i did go back at first things did seem to get better and my confidence returned but slowly over the years the feelings i've had since I was a child returned and i knew i made a mistake.

   I tired being a straight male, I tried being a gay male, I tried being an androgynous male....the problem was i didn't feel right being male period. I agree with you that it just seems easier to work with what god gave you, it's easier on your family and friends too but your the one that has to live with your decision.
 
   Have you considered that maybe you just have low self esteem and social anxiety issues regardless of what gender you're living as?  My doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft for my anxiety issues and it works lol. I was a little hesitant to take it because I used to think those kind of drugs were for crazy people but it's really just a simple chemical imbalance which many people suffer from and are afraid to seek treatment.

  Anywayz hope that helps, good luck! xo

     

 

[VannaSiamese]

    Most bio women obsess over their bodies like that too so should we as transwomen be any different? I know how you feel i do that same things, looking in the mirror at myself obsessing over my body, it's just part of being a woman. It took me a long time but i've finally made peace with the fact that i can't be 100% female, but i can be 90% or even 95% percent and that's good enough for me. The more i read your posts the more i can relate to myself and that scares me because i'm afraid you're making the same mistake i did by de-transitioning. Like i said in my earlier post when i did go back at first things did seem to get better and my confidence returned but slowly over the years the feelings i've had since I was a child returned and i knew i made a mistake.

   I tired being a straight male, I tried being a gay male, I tried being an androgynous male....the problem was i didn't feel right being male period. I agree with you that it just seems easier to work with what god gave you, it's easier on your family and friends too but your the one that has to live with your decision.
 
   Have you considered that maybe you just have low self esteem and social anxiety issues regardless of what gender you're living as?  My doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft for my anxiety issues and it works lol. I was a little hesitant to take it because I used to think those kind of drugs were for crazy people but it's really just a simple chemical imbalance which many people suffer from and are afraid to seek treatment.

  Anywayz hope that helps, good luck! xo

My low self esteem and social anxiety issues are completely related to living as a girl and being on hormones.  I was one of the most confident and outgoing guys you'd ever meet... I was the boy that was good at anything, would ask any girl out and always surrounded by tons of friends.  As a girl I only feel confident around men.  I don't like being around women at all, and I don't like being in social settings with lots of people.  Obsessing over your body may be something young women do, but women eventually grow out of it.  I, however, am not going to grow out of this.  If anything, my obsession has gotten worse as the years have progressed.
I do enjoy being a woman at times, no doubt about that... but my overall quality of life is crap.  I want to live my life again, and I intend to =)

Haha you don't even want to get me started on how absurd mental health has become. As for Zoloft, or any psych drug... no, you couldn't pay me to be on that stuff.  The long term effects on meds like that always prove that the drug is more harmful than it is helpful.  The changes it does to your brain chemistry make you worse over time and dependent on the drug to function normally.  They also typically onset some other mental problem too.  Read a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker, it's a book on longitudinal research of drug pharmacology. You are right, drugs like that use to be widely considered to be for crazy people, but now they hand them out like candy.  Today,  they are so quick to classify you as bi-polar, depressed, schizoid, give you meds and send you on your way.

Here's a fun little bit of information.  America has the best mental health system in the world, the best funded system, the most access to medications, the highest educational requirements and credentialing for mental health professionals, the best research and evidence based practices.  And, despite all that, Mental Health Disability has risen more than 400% over the past 20 years.  Americans are getting sicker and crazier.  All of the longitudinal research shows that psych meds don't work and make people worse over the long haul.  What's most appalling is they are giving these drugs to children now, our future looks really promising when we have a whole generation of kids who started taking ritalin and anti psychotics before puberty.

Sorry, I'm not going off on you, but it is something you need to know.

[MacKenzie]

Sorry, I'm not going off on you, but it is something you need to know.

  Lol np hun i didn't take any offence to it. I did my research before filling the script so i'm fully aware of the pro's and con's of these kind of medications. I decided to take it anyway and i feel pretty good, 2 years and no problems. Zoloft kind of evens me out sorta like smoking weed except this is legal. 

  Anywayz thanks for the heads up & good luck on your journey! 

[Joelene9]

Read a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker, it's a book on longitudinal research of drug pharmacology. You are right, drugs like that use to be widely considered to be for crazy people, but now they hand them out like candy.  Today,  they are so quick to classify you as bi-polar, depressed, schizoid, give you meds and send you on your way.

Here's a fun little bit of information.  America has the best mental health system in the world, the best funded system, the most access to medications, the highest educational requirements and credentialing for mental health professionals, the best research and evidence based practices.  And, despite all that, Mental Health Disability has risen more than 400% over the past 20 years.  Americans are getting sicker and crazier.  All of the longitudinal research shows that psych meds don't work and make people worse over the long haul.  What's most appalling is they are giving these drugs to children now, our future looks really promising when we have a whole generation of kids who started taking ritalin and anti psychotics before puberty.

Sorry, I'm not going off on you, but it is something you need to know.

Quick to classify....Yes!  Therein lies the rub!  I had a good "old school" doctor in the late 1990's.  He put me on Zoloft.  The Zoloft worked about a month and the effects faded.  My Dr. wanted to do some more testing on me to determine should he up the dosage.  That didn't happen.  He was killed in an auto accident.  I got a prescription from the temp Dr. and the practice closed with no buyers.  I had to wean myself off of the stuff.  In 2001, after being laid off, I saw another doctor.  He prescribed 3 more antidepressants, one right after another.  I was on the COBRA insurance program that lasted 18 months.  Those 3 drugs (Efflexor, Remeron, Serzone) did not work that well.  The insurance covered most of my Dr. visits, but had no drug coverage.  I was paying for these expensive drugs out-of-pocket.  That Dr. dropped me as soon as my COBRA coverage lapsed. 
  I had no Dr. until my PSA reading from a health fair blood test showed an over the top reading in 2007.  I went to an urologist to check it out.  He did the digital anal probe and told me that I needed a biopsy, which is through the anus as well.  During that time when he introduced himself to me to when I left his office, he was hyping his prostate surgery services.  I asked about the hormone therapy.  He said that I was too young for that, even so that I went on to request that because that I was transgender.  He went out once and his nurse came in and was hyping the same thing!  I never went back.  3 months later an article came out in the AARP magazine saying to the effect that the biopsy and the prostate surgery was in most cases unnecessary and ineffective.  The side effects of the surgery and even from the biopsy was worst than the prostate cancer, according to the poll taken. 
  Joelene

[niamh]

Just wanted to say two things. I'm jealous that you look so beautiful. Wish I could be half as nice! Second, good luck with your detransition. For some reason it's an ugly word in the trans-community but we should embrace and make room for all stories. If that's what you feel is necessary then go for it, I wish you well. You're better off not making the mistake of the two Swedish ex-MtFs whose lives were documented in the docfilm Regretters.

[Sylph]

Hi Vanna!

  I've watched a few of your youtube videos and followed you for a bit on one of your blogs that you no longer belong to. You are a beautiful person and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you choose. I just hope you don't fully leave the youtube community, because I enjoy listening to your piano playing.

::Hugs::
Sylph

[Kelly J. P.]

 Being able to be oneself is independant of one's body, for the most part. While it may be discouraged if a woman acts particularly masculine, or if a man acts particularly feminine, in an intelligent and mature atmosphere these are welcomed as a person is just being themselves.

I don't properly identify with being a stereotypical woman; that is, I believe that I might be more dual-gendered. I am certainly not male, but I don't believe that masculine traits should be avoided - I aspire to be strong, confident, a leader, and I don't feel afraid to say things that a woman would not be expected to say at times. In fact, I have absolutely no restraint at all - which, I will say, is a bit regrettable.

If you are feeling like you're acting, but you still wish you were born a woman, then perhaps it's only the personality and expression that needs changing. You don't have to look like a guy to act and dress more masculinely, after all...

If I have missed the point by a million miles, I'm sorry. I really should get something to eat... and maybe get to bed.