Aunty Cindy's Agony Column

[Cindy]

Dear Aunty,

I'm suffering from a very serious emotional disorder. That's right, you've read about it but maybe you haven't actually interacted with someone who suffers from Severe Olympics Medal Apathy Disorder (SOMAD). I know it's shameful to say out loud, but I really don't give a flying fig which country wins a medal in which event. From what I've read, I have one of the more serious cases of SOMAD, accompanied by the delusion that the Olympics and all their hype are merely yet another way of TV networks earning billions in advertising money by wasting our time.

Thus far I've managed to stay in the closet, but I had a close call yesterday when a friend noticed me NOT checking my smart phone after one of the events ended. I quickly made up some excuse about already knowing the results, but I don't know if he bought it.

Aunty, should I stay into the closet, or do you think my loved ones have a right to know how seriously disturbed I am? Do you know of any support groups? I know help is available, but for something as shameful and deviant as this, you can understand that I'm not completely willing to talk about this openly.

Please help.

Dear agfrommd,


What are the Olympics?
I checked my phone book and there is an Olympic Pizza parlour and company that sells tyres (tires to you slobs).


As for not being able to talk openly you can take a lesson from Justin, he wears a paper bag over his face in public which is a great help to everyone who meets him.


Yours in true athletic support.


Aunty Cindy

[Cindy]

Dearest Aunty Cindy,

I believe I have a crush on Australian gold medal swimmer, Alicia Coutts.



But I ran across this photo, which purports to be of a "Miss Cindy James," and now I just can't make up my mind!

Dear Jamied,


Another post where you try to make up your mind. This is yet another oxymoron.


Yours dressed in rubber


Aunty Cindy

[Justin 21]

shh don't reveal my secrets cindy

[Jamie D]

Dearest Aunty Cindy -

I heard a rumor you were the elusive "fifth Beatle."  Is this true?

[Justin 21]

it's true. Cindy was the brains and the looker of the group

[Maegan]

Dear Aunty Cindy,

Why are you so clever and witty? Is there any university degree that I can complete to be as witty as you are? Or was the degree only made available to certain individuals. You are my hero aunty Cindy!!!!

Can you possibly help this lost blonde soul? 

[Cindy]

Dearest Aunty Cindy -

I heard a rumor you were the elusive "fifth Beatle."  Is this true?

'it's true. Cindy was the brains and the looker of the group' by Justin 21.


True, my talents were awesome growing up in the slums of Liverpool. ( I did (fact) see the Beatles play at the Cavern before they 'made it' I was 11 yrs old and smuggled in totally  legal of course  , I think I was the cover for an older guy who was pushing drugs, who also fancied me, we won't go there.)


Of course due to my young age I was unable to lift the Beatles too their true place in the history of music, so sadly they are only known as being fairly successful.

When I was kidnapped by aliens I did manage to form and influence the Intergalactic Rock Sensations, known as the Cockroaches, a cunning play on the names of male grandeur and vegetarian cigarettes. Unfortunately we were so successful and built such a large fortune that we are know dead; purely for tax reasons of course. This has some problems in accessing the enormous funds that we have deposited in bank accounts on many Planets. 

However  see that you are two perspective people who know a good deal when they see one. I'd be very happy to deposit a very large sum of cash into your bank account that you and  I can access. I need a living person so that my credentials sneak through the IRS, see above. So just send your account details to me and I will make a large deposit on you.

Yours in Financial Acumen

Aunty Cindy

[Jamie D]

it's true. Cindy was the brains and the looker of the group

OMG, what a kiss-up   

[Cindy]

Dear Aunty Cindy,

Why are you so clever and witty? Is there any university degree that I can complete to be as witty as you are? Or was the degree only made available to certain individuals. You are my hero aunty Cindy!!!!

Can you possibly help this lost blonde soul? 

My dear Meegan,

Of course I'm your heroine (hero indeed, Geez typical Afrikaner all tit and blonde hair).

I have developed a course of study for my idiots worshippers to follow. You just send me a small amount of money, to cover postage, and I send you the Aunty Cindy IQ Wit kit.

The first lesson is free and open to all. Go to the nearest Police Person  (note the Gender correct pronouns, Aunty Cindy is a Politically Correct Fraud Friend)

And say repetitively and as fast as you can  " You are an IQ Wit Kit". This will allow you free accommodation and three meals a day  in a very secure facility. And not only that you will get a free set of Steak Knives!!

However send your money first to get your advanced lessons. The Rand is of course a particularly attractive currency and I would hate to derive it from you, so just for you, diamonds, gold or platinum are very welcome.

This way your first lesson , with the free brown paper bag, with eyeholes, will be delivered very soon or in fact quite quickly to your cell.

Yours in Political Correctness

Aunty Cindy

[Justin 21]

i'm not a suck up, i just call it like i see it

[Cindy]

OMG, what a kiss-up   

Dear Slave,

You seem to have lost all common decency. Do remember Sir Walter, he had manners and influenced events, and had a head start later in his career. You could as well.

Yours in Sufferance

Aunty Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Dear Aunty Cindy,

It appears that the neighbours have decided to use me as an unpaid child minding service by encouraging their  treasure to come and see me at inconvenient times and stay.
In an effort to discourage them should I dose the little darling with Mentos and Red Bull, or convince him to paint himself in Collingwood Football Club colours before I send him home, the family being Carlton supporters?   

Yours in flagellation.

Yours insinserely ,Notanaunty.

[kelly_aus]

Dear Aunty Cindy,

It appears that the neighbours have decided to use me as an unpaid child minding service by encouraging their  treasure to come and see me at inconvenient times and stay.
In an effort to discourage them should I dose the little darling with Mentos and Red Bull, or convince him to paint himself in Collingwood Football Club colours before I send him home, the family being Carlton supporters?   

Yours in flagellation.

Yours insinserely ,Notanaunty.

Dear Notanaunty,

I'm not going to make any real suggestions in response to this, apart from to suggest that Richmond colours may work just as well as Collingwood.

Yours,
A Richmond Supporter.

[justmeinoz]

 

[Jamie D]

Dearest Aunty Cindy,

I am suddenly in need of a meat pie floater!

What to do?  What to do?

Regards,

P. Soop

[Cindy]

Dearest Aunty Cindy,

I am suddenly in need of a meat pie floater!

What to do?  What to do?

Regards,

P. Soop

One I threw up made earlier

[Maegan]

Aunty Cindy!!!! Euwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ashrock]

As an American, meat pie sounds pretty awful.  Turns out it is.  Not as bad as I expected though.  Take it away Aunty Cindy, I want something nicer to eat.  More ladylike

[Justin 21]

hahaha, up north thats as ladylike as food comes

[Katie.D]

Too late, bring the CRACK branding iron. Now bend over

Aunty C

Time for a good Edward II joke

"Honey some men are here for poker night"