I feel so trapped

[Trixie]

I just hate it... I hate how I can't be how I want to be. I feel so utterly trapped.

If I could, I would at least talk about transitioning with someone, but I can't. I can't even cross-dress.

I can't go to a gender therapist. I'm on my parents insurance. I don't DARE come out. I can't bear the idea of my family hating me... I would die... and they would disown me, and my future would be ruined as well. I don't think there is a thing I can do.

I just... it's so hard. I guess I have to learn to be content being male. Sometimes I am... other times... most times though, like right now... no.

I don't think there's a thing I can do.

[King Malachite]

In a way I know how you feel because I'm trapped too.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but since I don't we can just be trapped together.  -hugs-

[Trixie]

*hugs*

I feel for ya broskie.


Really... I do. I hate how it has to be this way. It frustrates me so much I want to scream.

[King Malachite]

I understand.

If anything you will still have the Susans family.

Maybe you could be a female ring to help a little bit since it's concealable.  Or you could cross dress around halloween

[justmeinoz]

You haven't given any indication of where you are or how old you are, so anything I say will be general.
Can you get your ears pierced? That will at least mark a stage on your journey, and not perhaps be too noticeable. 
Also, as I have said before you can use the time to "people watch" to learn how women do things, move, speak etc.  That way when you do make changes, you will have a lot of knowledge to make use of.  If you can't have magazines or books at home, you could use the local library. Just reading women's mag's made me feel more in touch with my real identity, and women's issues. 

It does get better, truly.

[Trixie]

I'm 20. I live in New Mexico.

I could do it, technically, but my family (whom I still live with) would inevitably freak out about it.

[Diane Elizabeth]

      You have to pace yourself when you transition.  I feel impatient at times that I can't live this way anymore.   I get the fear of not getting to transition before its too late.   I just have to take a deep breat and remember "Rome wasn't built in a day".   I am one that waited until late in life to transition.  I have no money saved thanks to the economy.  When I get a little bit of money together I spend it on electrolysis.  I still have a long way to go.  I've had less than 80 hours so far.   For me, this is important as I can't stand the feel of my beard even hours after shaving.  I want it totally gone as quickly as possible.  I want the surgery, but that will have to wait a bit.  Trying to save up for it.  Everything takes time.   Set up your own time line and stay with it as much as possible, but it is adjustable too.  It is not etched in concrete that certain goals have to be obtained by specific dates.  You will find some things come sooned than you might expect and others might take a bit longer to succeed at.   Good luck and don't get too frustrated over the delays.   Use your friends on the websites to help on the rough days. 

[Trixie]

If I transitioned, having the best chance to be passable and pretty is very important to me. I would want to do it when young... I wish it would have been possible for me to transition as a teen. Of course it wasn't and I shouldn't dwell on that...

I don't know... the instant I first heard of a sex change (when I was little) I immediately thought "I want that". I want so badly to be regarded as the girl I think I am... that it's becoming so, so difficult to suppress.

That's what I've been doing... trying to suppress it. I know people say I shouldn't do that, but I don't really have much choice, do I?  It's so hard and so stressful. I want to cry. I want to scream.

I am a girl. I am a woman. I cannot suppress that aspect of me any longer. I just wish I could be loved and supported, and didn't have to hide that part of me.

[Reis89]

I feel the same ... I am more woman than man, and my dream was to be a model, but I do not vent to anyone, keep it to myself because nobody would accept me especially my family ... I wanted so much to be Only what I feel ... I have fears, I'm 23 and I can stay with a man looks for the rest of your life and can not be perfect to be a model but my biggest fear is especially family!!

[patstar]

I just hate it... I hate how I can't be how I want to be. I feel so utterly trapped.

If I could, I would at least talk about transitioning with someone, but I can't. I can't even cross-dress.

I can't go to a gender therapist. I'm on my parents insurance. I don't DARE come out. I can't bear the idea of my family hating me... I would die... and they would disown me, and my future would be ruined as well. I don't think there is a thing I can do.

I just... it's so hard. I guess I have to learn to be content being male. Sometimes I am... other times... most times though, like right now... no.

I don't think there's a thing I can do.

Although not totally in the same boat, I definitely completely sympathize. 

I, too, see myself as being limited by a what appears to be an entire lack of opportunity.  One: I am eternally , it sometimes seems, constricted by a very small fixed income (no FFS, no electrolysis, no means of relocating away from my past life, etc).  At least in your case the finances are there (?): your family has the money.  It's merely a matter of acquisition.  I also see myself as being too old to possibly have the life I deeply desire--to fully become who I have truly been all my life.

Yet I do not let the seemingly complete entrapment get or keep me down, nor should you.

As at least one method of, at the very least, dealing with your predicament--might I suggest meditation?  I mean genuine, mind silencing, deep meditation.  A tiny minority of human situations are in truth entirely hopeless. The proponents of meditation say that if it is done properly it can move virtual (or literal, lol) mountains.  I can tell you that it can at least make one feel as though this true.  Furthermore, I really believe that you need to think outside of the box some.  Meditation if done correctly AND persistently will take your mind outside of the box. Give it a shot and some time.

Lastly, time itself sometimes is a solution.  Good luck sweetie!

[MiaOhMya!]

I thought my family would freak out, and they did somewhat, but I dealt with it and they eventually came around. I came out at 27.  Just don't do what I did: go hide from yourself and your parents, and get involved in drugs. Yea, it taught me a lot but I'm rather lucky to be alive (the whole selfish point was to eventually die and oh cruel world...OMG as if that'd have been easier on my parents!).

If your dysphoria is THIS bad, then one day you most likely come out, and it won't be easy.

Now this is ONLY MYSELF, but gosh if i were your age knowing what I know now I'd lightly break it to them in some hintish manner. If they refuse to acknowledge it, then I'd flat tell them the truth, and that there is nothing they can do to change who i am! That'd sure have saved them a lot of legal fees, hospital bills, worries and gosh so many tears.

...but it almost had to be this way, or things would have been different, and they wouldn't have begged me to tell the truth about what was wrong that "one last time" when I actually told the truth for once, and thusly I came out!

I know you feel powerless hunny, but the best thing you can do TODAY is to get informed. FIND A LOCAL GROUP FOR SUPPORT AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET THERE! GOOGLE THAT JUNK EH! Drive ther, or take train, or maybe even get a ride from your Mum or Dad as subtle way to break it to them. JUST GO!

Most GOOD parents may think their child is being selfish at first, but then in time they realise no, it is they who are behaving selfishly in not allowing their child to live out his/her dreams (not THEIR dreams as parents).

Oh it was tough, but today I have the best relationship with my parents of my life, and their doubt has turned into solid support . Our decisions are all we've got, so please make good ones!

[Reis89]

I thought my family would freak out, and they did somewhat, but I dealt with it and they eventually came around. I came out at 27.  Just don't do what I did: go hide from yourself and your parents, and get involved in drugs. Yea, it taught me a lot but I'm rather lucky to be alive (the whole selfish point was to eventually die and oh cruel world...OMG as if that'd have been easier on my parents!).

If your dysphoria is THIS bad, then one day you most likely come out, and it won't be easy.

Now this is ONLY MYSELF, but gosh if i were your age knowing what I know now I'd lightly break it to them in some hintish manner. If they refuse to acknowledge it, then I'd flat tell them the truth, and that there is nothing they can do to change who i am! That'd sure have saved them a lot of legal fees, hospital bills, worries and gosh so many tears.

...but it almost had to be this way, or things would have been different, and they wouldn't have begged me to tell the truth about what was wrong that "one last time" when I actually told the truth for once, and thusly I came out!

I know you feel powerless hunny, but the best thing you can do TODAY is to get informed. FIND A LOCAL GROUP FOR SUPPORT AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET THERE! GOOGLE THAT JUNK EH! Drive ther, or take train, or maybe even get a ride from your Mum or Dad as subtle way to break it to them. JUST GO!

Most GOOD parents may think their child is being selfish at first, but then in time they realise no, it is they who are behaving selfishly in not allowing their child to live out his/her dreams (not THEIR dreams as parents).

Oh it was tough, but today I have the best relationship with my parents of my life, and their doubt has turned into solid support . Our decisions are all we've got, so please make good ones!

But it is a shock to our family especially our parents ... I have not had courage, just wasting time 

[Felix]

Good luck Trixie. I thought I couldn't transition because I was broke and was a head of household and stuff, but I found a way and I feel a lot better for it. I'm not actually doing a lot of what I wish I could do, but I am living male and that is a huge relief. Do what you can to feel okay or be patient with waiting.

[Cindy]

Hi Trixie,

We all start somewhere and the firt place is the 'I'll never give up' place. Yes life can look like crap but sometimes we have to start dealing with it. As Karen said starting off slowly can help. Polish your toe nails, a cute ring you can wear in your room even. Clip on ear rings when you are in your room, a bit of lip balm, guys use it as well and you can just say your lips are drying out and cracking, and you say to your self you are putting on lippy. Study other woman your age, and try not to get dysmorphic, how do they sit and walk and talk. All essential practice. What do they wear and how and when. I started wearing mascara from an early age, no one suspected because people don't expect to see mascara on a young 'man' (sorry) not meant rudely. Most people see what they expect to see.

Now, work out a plan. What do you need to transition? A job, independence, money, freedom. How can you get that? Work towards it. Plan. I remember lying in bed crying with a mutilated bottom after being gang raped when I was 16. I had a choice. I had several. I decided to be me and no bastard was going to ruin my life.

It became my mantra, and you can have it as a gift from an Australian sister. It is my life and I can live my life.

Do so. Remember something as well, you have a family here who love and care for you, and understand.

Cindy

[kelly_aus]

But it is a shock to our family especially our parents ... I have not had courage, just wasting time

Not always.. What shocked my family is not that I came out as trans, but that it had taken me so long.. My friends all reacted in much the same way. We don't always hide it as well as we think we do...

[Cindy]

I'm chatting to my friend VM and I just posted this to her. I had forgotten to take my nail polish off, she replied I bet no one said boo. My reply:

No of course not . I have a a very strong suspicion that the cat doesn't even know where the bag is anymore. So there I was at work wearing female track pants, a cute  pink female striped top, (a fashion here), pink runners, pink nail polish, mascara, ear rings, female watch and perfume. I'm pretty sure no one has noticed anything, what do you reckon?

No one said anything.

You will be amazed how accepting people can be. You just have to try.

[MiaOhMya!]

It is true, people are overwhelmingly more accepting than I had ever expected. Being alone with ones fear is a really tough and dark spot in which to reside.

If there's one thing I have taken from transition it's that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be in my head. I can make a million reasons why I can't or won't do something, but when the time comes and I do it perhaps five of those reasons actually happen.

It's easy to trick ourselves into inaction, but gosh the worst spot in the world is to be running through the what if's in my head. Trust us, once you get the ball rolling it will be SOO WORTH IT!

[Felix]

We all start somewhere and the first place is the 'I'll never give up' place. Yes life can look like crap but sometimes we have to start dealing with it. As Karen said starting off slowly can help. Polish your toe nails, a cute ring you can wear in your room even. Clip on ear rings when you are in your room, a bit of lip balm, guys use it as well and you can just say your lips are drying out and cracking, and you say to your self you are putting on lippy. Study other woman your age, and try not to get dysmorphic, how do they sit and walk and talk. All essential practice. What do they wear and how and when. I started wearing mascara from an early age, no one suspected because people don't expect to see mascara on a young 'man' (sorry) not meant rudely. Most people see what they expect to see.

It became my mantra, and you can have it as a gift from an Australian sister. It is my life and I can live my life.

Do so. Remember something as well, you have a family here who love and care for you, and understand.

Cindy

I pass really well even when there are obvious clues, because people aren't expecting to see a trans person. Remember the Hitchhiker's Guide?

And yeah you have to live your life. There's no higher purpose to getting up every day. Living is living. Who you are is kinda vital to that.

[Jamie D]

I'm chatting to my friend VM and I just posted this to her. I had forgotten to take my nail polish off, she replied I bet no one said boo. My reply:

No of course not . I have a a very strong suspicion that the cat doesn't even know where the bag is anymore. So there I was at work wearing female track pants, a cute  pink female striped top, (a fashion here), pink runners, pink nail polish, mascara, ear rings, female watch and perfume. I'm pretty sure no one has noticed anything, what do you reckon?

No one said anything.

You will be amazed how accepting people can be. You just have to try.

However, had you worn your bright yellow bunny slippers with that ensemble, you would have been the talk of the town.

[Cindy]

How did you know I have yellow bunny slippeers. Are you spying on me? Dangerous thing to do to the Aussie Mafia