Can we, or aught we, get rid of our former boy/girl-guise life?

[AbraCadabra]

Shredding pictures, discarding ALL cloths, discarding pre-transition friends, family, acquaintances, documents with our former names... well the list goes on.

As far as pictures go I personally got rid of loads, but now there are still these pre-teen, baby, in my teens, and in my twenties pictures... hum... and then some.

Once our ID/passports are changed can we actually start to dump old utility bills, bank records, doctors bills, and on.
I have just what I can see from where it sit, some 36 ring-folders (A4) full of paper-stuff. From my first qualifications back in the 60s even some 50s to practically now.

If ever I had the idea of not coming out to a more intimate partner, a sleep over - what then. There be no way to have this stuff just lying about in date-order in my study, yes?

I guess you got my drift... what about you?

Axélle

[Laura26]

I'll start off by saying that I do like the idea of living in stealth.  I'm a few weeks away from being full-time so I haven't been able to action all of this fully yet.

• Clothes - yes I will discard every last stitch
• Documents - ideally it will only be my birth certificate left.  Paper docs don't mean much these days so I'll shred those.  I'll ask my university to reissue my degree certificate as I do like that one.  If I find anything else that's important I'll ask for a reissue.  I use paperless bills and setups wherever possible which helps there.
  
• Pictures - I avoided cameras whilst growing up so this one is ok for me.  I have kept hold of a few old pictures as the 'before and after' comparisons are interesting but I will delete them soon.  I like to remember my experiences of travelling and the such like, so I'll keep photos of the places, but I'd rather remember them through my mind's eye and not be reminded of my appearance at the time.
• People - I'll always keep my close family and close friends in my life, but I will confess that the thought of emigrating has it's appeal to me.  Also I won't be changing my job anytime soon so further stealth won't be possible until I do so.  Definitely the most complicated one this!

If ever I had the idea of not coming out to a more intimate partner, a sleep over - what then. There be no way to have this stuff just lying about in date-order in my study, yes?

I think I'll nick that concept, as it's a good test for whether I've covered everything

I know a lot of people find it hard to throw things away.  Luckily I'm a minimalist at heart so I don't hoard much and I find doing this type of thing relatively easy - plus I find it helps me to feel consistent day to day by not having these types of reminders kicking around.

[King Malachite]

I will keep my yearbooks but other than that I have no intention of taking any other pictures with me when I move out to transition.  I will probably keep some of my clothes because some are gender neutral.  I may just donate the rest.  I may keep a few documents with my original name in case I ever have to pull them out. 

As far as people are concerned, I have no intentions of keeping up with the people I go to church with.  I don't want to get rid of my family but I have a feeling that I will have to.  I have cut most access off from my high school friends.  It just seems easier to start from scratch.

[spacial]

I won't disagree with anyone who chooses to do that. But I always feel that, trying to run away from your past is silly.

The past is for learning. Our past is who we are, how we got to where we are.

[AbraCadabra]

I won't disagree with anyone who chooses to do that. But I always feel that, trying to run away from your past is silly.

The past is for learning. Our past is who we are, how we got to where we are.

That's just it... how CAN we leave our past actually "behind" ... particular in the way, call it philosophically speaking: "Our past is who we are, how we got to where we are."

Of course not everyone will agree... does it mean once more fooling ourselves, trying to hide just in a "new box" just a different one, once again?

I am really not sure about that. I guess only time will tell

Axélle

[Renee D]

I suppose people have different attachments to their past and whether pics include loved ones they may not have many pics of.  I have some old pics and the pics that my dad had, I don't plan on discarding those as the pics meant a bit to him. Heck, there is even a pic of my dad, my two brothers and I in tuxes for one of my brothers wedding that is on a wall in the house, I see no need in taking it down.  As for people, while there were a few I would have liked to just shred, I wrote off pretty much all extended family and have only my immediate family in my life. A lot of others, I have kept in my life, after all I do still live in the same place as I did for years before transitioning. And clothes wise, the only things I kept were tshirts and a couple of jackets, everything else went.

A lot also would depend on whether someone wants to go completely stealth or is ok with living openly trans, I would imagine. I would just hate to imagine the stress worrying about someone from your past coming back to haunt you or something.  Or the damage that could be done to your life if people reacted badly to finding out, especially any partners or spouses that weren't aware of it.

[AbraCadabra]

Thanks Jaime, nice post, I can relate...

Axélle

[Constance]

I don't have any intention of trying to dispose of my past. My past had served me well, I got 23 years of marriage and two wonderful kids. I live openly trans; it's what works for me.

I did get rid of many old clothes, this weekend in fact. But, it's because I don't see myself using them ever again. The charities that my ex-wife works for could always use clothes, especially clothes good enough for folks to wear to job interviews. My old ties I gave to my daughter, as she loves wearing ties.

Pictures, I'm going to keep. David is as much a part of Connie as Connie had always been a part of David. He is my past, and she is my present and future.

[eli77]

I like boy clothes. I kept whatever stuff was still of use/fits.

I've never owned a picture. And I've been pretty intensely phobic of having my picture taken... since I was like 12. The few that exist are in my parents' possession. I asked them not to display them, but otherwise I don't care what they do with 'em. The younger pics... you'd be hard pressed to tell the gender of the person, especially given I still have that tomboy style going, so it really doesn't matter.

I don't have many paper documents. Those that I do are in the correct name/gender. There is stuff on my computer that could out me. It's locked and I never really let anyone touch it. It's got my life in it.

Things have never really meant much to me. They have a function, or I throw them out. The exception being my books; I love my books.

I don't discard people. If that ends up outing me, so be it. I am moving cities, but that's more of a job thing than a privacy thing.


Honestly, I don't really have much of a past to discard - my family, one close friend, a terminated two-year relationship, a couple university degrees and a lot of pain. That's about it for the first 26 years of my life.

[A]

I don't think it's a very good idea to go and destroy everything to ensure stealth. Just hide obvious stuff with the wrong name on it. If someone has access to those things, either you've not hidden them well enough, either that person is close enough to you for you to tell them.

I feel that going paranoid and getting rid of everything is a huge hassle, a huge amount of stress and could even be a hindrance to stealth and whatnot: the absence of all those things could become suspicious. And then, if you really want to keep your cover, you have to lie. And as soon as you start wrapping your life in lies, chances are that you won't be happy in the long run.

If you want a minimum of discretion/a normal life, it's normal to have a few little precautions, but if you ask me, as soon as it involves lying about significant things, especially to people close to you, it begins to be unhealthy.

[Julie Wilson]

Yes, different people have different attachments.  I think people tend to hold-onto what is important to them and they tend to let go of things that are toxic to them or things that lack importance.

Before transition I was like an observer.  I could only watch while others had lives and my only solace was that I was going to eventually kill myself.  After I finally transitioned I knew what it meant to actually have something worth dying for.  Because previously I was so afraid I would die if I tried to transition, I was afraid I would loose my family, my ability to support myself... I thought I would end up homeless and die in the street.

But having transitioned I finally had something worth fighting to the death to defend.  Or as a friend put it, "I finally had something worth living for."

I didn't have a life before transition.  I didn't create any relationships that were dependent upon my pre-transition-persona.  I was alone, I had no one to bring with me from the past.  I destroyed every photo and all the paperwork I could destroy and when I find something with my with the old name on it, it's a sickening feeling.

Out with the old, in with the new.  In order to be able to receive the new I don't want anything old in my hands, it's all worthless to me if not even less than worthless, perhaps dangerous maybe?  Looking forward to moving far away soon ^_^ and a completely new life although my life is pretty good already, especially lately.  But the farther I can get from the garbage that would pull me down with it, the better, the much, much better ^_^ !

[Ashazti]

If and when I ever go full time, I'd probably get rid of my 'male' clothes (except for the unisex stuff), can't stand it anyways.. looks so blah.. lol. As for paperwork or anything important... I was thinking of getting maybe a safety deposit box and putting them in there in case I ever needed them in an emergency or something... otherwise I would start fresh.  Family and friends are important to me... so I would try to take them with me... but would be prepared to loose them if I had to. I know it would be hard, but I am capable of starting new if I had to; albeit a very lonely prospect, but I could do it.

[kelly_aus]

My past is and always will be part of who I am.. Sure, I got rid of all the male clothing I had - but that was more because I needed the space..

When I last moved I did get rid of a bunch of stuff from my past, most of which I've been dragging around since I first moved out of my parents place and I hadn't looked at or thought about any of it, so it was well past time for it to go..

[justmeinoz]

I needed to clear out my wardrobe before I moved, so that wasn't a hard choice.  Seeing as I moved interstate, I only keep in touch with friends who stood by me anyway, and am making a whole new lot.
As I seemed to be the only member of the family with an interest in the camera,I don't have all that many photo's with me in them anyway, so will keep the few I have I guess, as they have the kids also.

Karen.

[Constance]

My past is and always will be part of who I am.. Sure, I got rid of all the male clothing I had - but that was more because I needed the space..

I got rid of my man clothes, and my closet is getting MORE crowded!

[Sephirah]

discarding pre-transition friends, family, acquaintances

This is the only part I really want to say anything about. In my case family isn't applicable, but in terms of the rest - no, I wouldn't discard those I formed bonds with since, dispite any outward physical appearance, I've always been myself with people. That's something which hasn't changed, and won't change. And being male or female isn't a criteria on which I choose who to be friends with. It's more than that. It's something within the individual themselves rather than how they see me in terms of gender or, indeed, how I see them. I'm very careful choosing who to form friendships with, and the reciprocation of that is something which matters to me.

Because of that, such friendships were formed from the heart, and whatever else they are still important to me. I would hope that they could stay that way.

[AbraCadabra]

This is the only part I really want to say anything about. In my case family isn't applicable, but in terms of the rest - no, I wouldn't discard those I formed bonds with since, dispite any outward physical appearance, I've always been myself with people. That's something which hasn't changed, and won't change. And being male or female isn't a criteria on which I choose who to be friends with. It's more than that. It's something within the individual themselves rather than how they see me in terms of gender or, indeed, how I see them. I'm very careful choosing who to form friendships with, and the reciprocation of that is something which matters to me.

Because of that, such friendships were formed from the heart, and whatever else they are still important to me. I would hope that they could stay that way.

Nice post I liked reading it like most all of the rest...
Thank you.

I wish, I wish, I wished it to work for me this way. I don't say it quite doesn't, - yet there is a BUT... as always?

What do we "do" with supporting friends, that either by slip of the tongue, by a bit of juicy goss, or just by a close to hostile partner, keep outing you to their acquaintances and friends?

Might as well hang sign on your neck saying "trans... ...".
Tricky.
When it happened, a number of times to me as it stands, it did make me consider to stop seeing them, sticking to the phone... only.

THEN!... they "helped" me, by not inviting me over to any "family" do's - because "we do not want to be seen mixing with strange and weird individuals. It will give us a bad critique, so let's not ask her (HIM?) over..." um.

As for those that are openly hostile (unsupportive is too mild...), well they can, and already do shoot the breeze.
Lastly, even those are not that easy to JUST discard... having spend YEARS in their company too.

And yes... now who was it, that said it was easy?

Axélle

[Jeneva]

This is the only part I really want to say anything about. In my case family isn't applicable, but in terms of the rest - no, I wouldn't discard those I formed bonds with since, dispite any outward physical appearance, I've always been myself with people. That's something which hasn't changed, and won't change. And being male or female isn't a criteria on which I choose who to be friends with. It's more than that. It's something within the individual themselves rather than how they see me in terms of gender or, indeed, how I see them. I'm very careful choosing who to form friendships with, and the reciprocation of that is something which matters to me.

Because of that, such friendships were formed from the heart, and whatever else they are still important to me. I would hope that they could stay that way.

Excellent post.

True friends are just that, true friends.  I've had several tell me that they suspected or that it all makes sense now.  I've actually reconnected with a LOT of old friends since I transitioned because I had run away from some because I had let them see too much.  My circle of friends is so much bigger and stronger now than it ever was.  I think that to a degree, coming out to a close friend can only help the relationship since you have shown you love and trust them enough to share one of your deepest secrets.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Not just speaking in terms of sour grapes, but if you lose a "friend" because you came out to them, then they really weren't a true friend.

The world is too small now to hide our past.   No matter how careful someone will always find out.  Personally I would rather be in control of how someone important found out than just chance comments or rumors.

[peky]

Shredding pictures, discarding ALL cloths, discarding pre-transition friends, family, acquaintances, documents with our former names... well the list goes on.

As far as pictures go I personally got rid of loads, but now there are still these pre-teen, baby, in my teens, and in my twenties pictures... hum... and then some.

Once our ID/passports are changed can we actually start to dump old utility bills, bank records, doctors bills, and on.
I have just what I can see from where it sit, some 36 ring-folders (A4) full of paper-stuff. From my first qualifications back in the 60s even some 50s to practically now.

If ever I had the idea of not coming out to a more intimate partner, a sleep over - what then. There be no way to have this stuff just lying about in date-order in my study, yes?

I guess to got my drift... what about you?

Axélle

Hell no; doing so will hurt my children and friends. Where does stop, should we make up our past too?

[pretty]

Not much to get rid of... a few androgynous clothes... that's about it?

Life has been on pause until now. Never had a male life.