"Here we go again"

[Edge]

I surpassed my dad by the time I was twenty. I surpassed my mom by the time I was seven, but it was even clearer about a year and a half ago when I did at the age of twenty two what she still hasn't in her fifties. I was kicked out the house when I was eighteen. My brother is now twenty and not only does he still live with his parents, but he calls mommy for a ride home when it's an easy twenty minute walk. Pathetic. My sister still relies on my parents to pay for her insurance and she is twenty three. Seriously, if any of them wants to come up with some excuses, I could quite easily point to my situation. But see, here's the problem:
Everyone in my family sees me as even more pathetic.
Why? I made some mistakes. "It's ok to make mistakes" right? Not for me, it's not. Want to know what those mistakes were? The ones I can never live down.
-I stood up to my dad. Helped me hold on to a shred of self esteem, enough to get stronger later, but also gave everyone an excuse to blame me for his behaviour.
-I couldn't understand what was happening or why I was so angry, so I told my mom. She took me to see a psychiatrist. I naively thought he would help me. I believed him when he misdiagnosed me (he has done this to a number of young people). There more to it than that, but no one really wants to hear it.
-I tried to commit suicide several times. Why? I took the drugs he gave me. I'm one of the people who should never be on drugs. Not that's an excuse for being so pathetic. And selfish. My brother later told me that I should have been there for him and I wasn't.
-I barely passed my classes in high school. Also because of the drugs and the school I missed while I was in the hospital.
-It wasn't until I was eighteen that I found out that I am was misdiagnosed (several professionals have told me this). By this point, everyone who knew me knew what I had been diagnosed as. The results were I was either hated for being wrong or they didn't believe that I'm not nuts.
-Actually, I am nuts now. Being abused affected me. Of course, being abused is no excuse and I'm not trying to excuse myself. I hate that I was weak enough to be affected.
-I made a lot of bad choices in terms of friends and boyfriends.
-Being raped affected me and I became promiscuous. Not anymore, but for awhile, yes.
-It took me a year of being homeless before I had my own place to stay and I had to have help.
-My last boyfriend who I moved across the country for and have a son with turned out to be another bad decision and I left him.
I hate it. I hate how I messed up so badly so much. I hate how my immediate family treats me as inferior. I hate how my extended family treat me like glass. I hate how I'm seen as the "screw up." I hate how I can never ever live it down. I hate how they tell me how well I'm doing with such simpering pity in their eyes and voices. It's like getting a participation award. It's demeaning. I hate how anyone who knew me then can only see my mistakes. They don't see me at all. Just my failures.
I wish they could see me for who I am, not what mistakes I've made.
Yes, I am still affected by this stuff. Yes, I know that makes me weak. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I am striving to change it. No, I am not depressed. I am alive and thriving and I think who I am is awesome. I wish others could see it that way. It is a normal human need to want others to treat us as equals and not the "screw up." I am no different and neither should I be.
It would be easy to say I should cut them out of my life. But my extended family are the ones who helped me when I was homeless and they don't mean anything by it. Yes, I know that getting frustrated with them is selfish.
And now I'm trans. Or I'm making yet another mistake. Either way, I can predict how it will be seen. It will be seen as me messing up again. Sure, some members of my family are fine with trans people. But it's another story when it's the "screw up." Then it's "here we go again."

Of course, I probably shouldn't even be saying this stuff because people think it's "depressing" and end up only seeing this stuff too. *sigh* I swear I am not that person anymore and that is not the real me.

[justmeinoz]

You are not a failure. The fact that  something you did had a different result to what you expected just means what you did had an outcome you regard as unsatisfactory.  It doesn't reflect on your worth as a person. 
If your family are going to confuse you with the things you do, then they are the ones in need of psych treatment.  We all stuff things up on occaission, it's called being human, and it sounds like you have stuffed up less than your family.
It is hard to let go of the past, but it is possible.   It sounds like you are doing that, it's just a case of baby steps .

Karen.

[Jeatyn]

I can relate to your post so much, a few of the details are different but the general premise is the same - I screwed up a few things and now I'm just a big joke.

The only advice I can offer is just keep being you - the new awesome you that you see yourself as. Get your own back by being happy and satisfied with life.

[suzifrommd]

Of course, I probably shouldn't even be saying this stuff because people think it's "depressing" and end up only seeing this stuff too. *sigh* I swear I am not that person anymore and that is not the real me.

No Edge. It's obvious to me (and probably most others who follow your posts) that the real you is a courageous, beautiful, honest person. I hope you'll let me express my impressions:

* You've been led astray by some really bad advice. Please don't blame yourself for being "weak" (though I think weakness is intrinsically human) or for making mistakes. It is obvious you've been doing your best.

* Your story is NOT depressing. It is an annal of courage that you can be proud of.

* I know it's nearly impossible, but I hope you can step out of the box that your family has painted you in. My family (both my parents gone, now, alas) had all kinds of impressions of how crazy I was. They were totally wrong. I am a good, hard-working, caring person. I hope you'll be able to see yourself as someone who has weathered the some of the nastiest this world holds and still can hold yourself up as a good person.

You may think of yourself as a screw-up now and then, but having heard your story, I admire you all the more.

Keep posting. Your posts do inspire.

[Edge]

Thank you. I'm crying now, but they're happy tears. Sometimes I wonder if I tell people this stuff just so I can hear responses like that. Would that be wrong?

[Jeatyn]

Thank you. I'm crying now, but they're happy tears. Sometimes I wonder if I tell people this stuff just so I can hear responses like that. Would that be wrong?

Not at all a little verification and a pick me up never hurt anyone

[Shang]

Not at all a little verification and a pick me up never hurt anyone

Seconded.

Your story isn't depressing.  It's real.  Some people will cut out all of the bad so their story seems peppy.  Others will cut out all the good so their story seems horrible.  It's good to focus on both because both are who you are.  Saying you know who you are and accepting you are and that you're thriving is a positive thing. 

As for hating yourself because you think you're weak, you do need to realize that negative experiences and being affected by them isn't a weak thing.  It's a normal, healthy thing.  You are going to be affected by your negative experiences, but you have two choices: 1. let it completely rule your life and let it get you down or 2. understand that they were in the past and that, while they have helped you become the person you are, they do not have to rule your life and that you can be a happy individual.  If you weren't affected in any way by your negative experiences, I would be worried for you.  It's not normal for them to have no affect on you at all.

[Edge]

2. understand that they were in the past and that, while they have helped you become the person you are, they do not have to rule your life and that you can be a happy individual.

Agreed. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but it is really hard when it feels like they have painted me into a corner and, no matter how awesome I am and continue to be, that is all they will ever see me as.

[Shang]

Agreed. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but it is really hard when it feels like they have painted me into a corner and, no matter how awesome I am and continue to be, that is all they will ever see me as.

In all honesty, don't worry about it.  If you don't change their mind, that's their fault and not yours.  If you do change their mind, yay!  But sometimes you just can win.  Some people always hold onto the negative things that they see about a person.  It's in no way your fault that they continue to hold onto the negative things that you've done and that have been done to you. 

And sometimes, it's best to not try to change their minds.  Once you stop trying, it may just happen.  It may take awhile, but it may happen.  Just don't fret if it doesn't.  You're a wonderful person and you know that and that is all that matters.

[Edge]

You now what, it's really easy to say "don't worry about it" and "don't fret." It is nothing compared to the reality of how difficult it is. I know I shouldn't be complaining and probably not many would believe me and see me as weak for not being able to just shrug it off like that, but it really is extremely difficult. Ugh, that sounds emo and weak.

[Shang]

You now what, it's really easy to say "don't worry about it" and "don't fret." It is nothing compared to the reality of how difficult it is. I know I shouldn't be complaining and probably not many would believe me and see me as weak for not being able to just shrug it off like that, but it really is extremely difficult. Ugh, that sounds emo and weak.

I know it's easier said than done.  I've been in similar (note: not the same) situations and have consistently told myself to not worry about it.  Does it stop me from worrying about it?  No, but after a certain amount of time of repeating it to myself, it becomes true.  It takes me sitting down and writing every little thing out, putting everything together, understanding it all, and repeating that I shouldn't worry about it.  It can take days, weeks, months, even years for me to understand this and get it through my head, but it gets done because the feelings eat me up inside and I hate the person I am when the feelings are eating away at me so it makes me work my a** off to no longer worry about certain things;  to understand that I tried the best that I could and that the rest is up to the person.

So, yes, I do know that it is easier said than done and I guarantee that just about every person knows that.

[Edge]

Trust me, I know about working my @$$ off. It's been years and I'm still doing it and it's still an uphill battle.

[Shang]

Trust me, I know about working my @$$ off. It's been years and I'm still doing it and it's still an uphill battle.

It is, but (in my opinion) it's a worthwhile one.  Peace of mind is always worthwhile.

[Edge]

Yeah I know. I'm complaining 'cause it's hard. I should shut up already though. So what if it's hard?

[Amazon D]

I am in awe of the OP and all the responses here. You people are light yrs ahead of me when i was your age going thr my ->-bleeped-<-. yes we all go thru it. Here i am taking care of my 89 yr old mother and my 6 siblings wouldn't do it but they say i kinda owe it to her and yes i do but i am doing this and its still not enough. Yes they appreciate what i am doing these last 6 yrs but they also don't. So the answer here is don't let it ruin your whole life go out and make new friends and new family who will give you the love you deserve.

[Edge]

Oh I would like to add that, despite my rant, I don't completely regret my mistakes. Yeah, they really sucked and I'm a little screwed up by them, but they also taught me some valuable stuff that I am really glad I know.
If I had not stood up for myself... well, for one, I wouldn't be me, but also I don't think I would have been able to fight to get better.
If I had never been in the mental health system, I wouldn't have been introduced to my fascination with brains.
If I had never been suicidal, I would have never learned how much I love and appreciate life.
If I had never been homeless aka left my parents house, I wouldn't have known I could do it which came in really handy when I had to do it again with my ex.
If I hadn't been with my ex, I wouldn't have my son.
If none of that had happened, I don't know who I would be right now and I like who I am. Well, I still struggle with self esteem and stuff, but that's slowly getting better.

[Shang]

Oh I would like to add that, despite my rant, I don't completely regret my mistakes. Yeah, they really sucked and I'm a little screwed up by them, but they also taught me some valuable stuff that I am really glad I know.
If I had not stood up for myself... well, for one, I wouldn't be me, but also I don't think I would have been able to fight to get better.
If I had never been in the mental health system, I wouldn't have been introduced to my fascination with brains.
If I had never been suicidal, I would have never learned how much I love and appreciate life.
If I had never been homeless aka left my parents house, I wouldn't have known I could do it which came in really handy when I had to do it again with my ex.
If I hadn't been with my ex, I wouldn't have my son.
If none of that had happened, I don't know who I would be right now and I like who I am. Well, I still struggle with self esteem and stuff, but that's slowly getting better.

I'm glad you notice the positives that occurred.   Yeah, the situations that they sprang from sucked, but recognizing both is an awesome attribute that not many people have.

It's why your story is so real and why so many people can relate.  It's why it wasn't depressing to read and why you didn't come off as emo.

[Edge]

Ugh. I'm adding this because it fits with the subject. One of my "friends" decided to randomly attack me. She does that a lot, but this time, I really wasn't in the mood to be patient with her, so I signed off. Next thing I know, she posted an extremely hurtful thing about on facebook of all places. By extremely hurtful, I mean she crossed way over my boundaries. She is no longer my friend. Problem solved. I am not holding a grudge. I am not making an enemy. I am just not being friends with someone who went way beyond my tolerance.
Except now she brought our mutual friend into it and is forcing her to choose. And guess what? My mutual friend suddenly got the idea that I am also forcing her to choose even though I have been trying to keep her separate. Our mutual friend is also telling me that we should remain friends. Repeatedly. Even after I reminded her that it is not her decision to make and that I am within my rights to make it. She's acting like it's wrong for me to make a decision that I know is right.
I don't like drama. I really don't. It always seems to surround me though. And I always get blamed for it. I didn't do anything. I swear. Anyway, I'm not going to let her disapproval keep me from making a decision I know is right. After all, if she can't respect that, she isn't a friend anyway.

[suzifrommd]

I didn't do anything. I swear.

No you didn't, unless you count taking up fair-weather friends who wouldn't know true devotion if it sat on them.

Good job to have the strength to realize unless your friends stand by you, you're better off without them. How many less strong, more needy people would just try to hang on at great cost to their self-esteem?

Hang in there.