Valerie, what is between She and I is a strange thing, at the bottom of it all, there was and is a deep bond, it has and is being tested to the ultimate extream. I've been there and back again, so I am under no delusions that things will turn out alright just because I want them to, but she appears to be able to accept the situation if only I make her a true part of my life again.
for some years now I have receeded more and more from her. I do not share with her, my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my closest thoughts and she knows that and is uncertain what I mean to do after surgery. She knows what I can do when I set my mind to something and she knows how easily I can simply disapear and is convenced I will do so, and in fact I would and she would never see or hear from me again and according to her, that is a worse fear then the unknown of a true life with me.
What she is asking in return for remaining with me as I choose to go is some assurance that I can truely make an honest commitment to her to remain with her if she accepts me as I am, or at least leaves me alone with it and does not try to hinder me.
She doesn't want me being private with other women. If I am willing to introduce a woman to her, tell her what I am doing with this woman, come home when I tell her I will be home etc. then she understands private friends, but she doesn't want me having any relationships with others that she feels should be reserved to her. That doesn't sound strange to me and in fact I would expect it of any woman to feel that way, After all, what is the point of a committed relationship if you have a need to go outside of the relationship to find the things you need within one.
Her major complaint is that I am so totally open about my feelings, desires and plans to so many others, but share so little with her anymore. She seems to honestly want to be a true part of my life again and is willing to adjust her own behavior to make me more comfortable so we can redevelop the relationship we once had. If she can honestly accomplish this, I can do little else but try with her. She is not actually asking for anything that isn't reasonable in exchange for making the attempt, and if it proves to not be working out, I can always withdraw with little harm to myself, just more experience.
It's a simple question of what your goals are in life. I have focused for so long on only one and have simply left other important things to work themselves out later, but as I have said, I can't truely be happy without true love and commitment, and I have no tolerance for things that are temporary. I need someone to care for and to care for me, I can not be complete without someone to share what is within me with in the closest personal sense. It is a part of me that defines me and a requirement that must be met.
Part of my willingness to make this attempt is of course due to that inner need. I have nobody even close to being someone I could live with in this manner and not likely to find such. So it is natural I would try to salvage a known relationship. Be that weakness or whatever, I don't care. I'm rather through with standing purely on principles at any cost or expense. There is life to consider also.
Anyway, not to worry friend Val, I will take the necessary steps to protect myself in the beginnings of this, until I am sure I am being reasonable.
All I want is to find some happiness in life, regardless of the losses. A ray of sunshine is all it takes to spark that happiness, even through the eye a dark cloud.
Jessica, I understand many reasons why it would be to her benifit to accept me and create a new bond with me, People always have personal motivations for everything they do, however, if it translates to fulfilling my own needs, it is of no matter to me as long as I can sense sencerity and a true desire to work with me.
I can no longer be a fighter, but I will never bend to simple stubborness and unwillingness to take whatever chances are necessary to gain the things I value most. Much of the fighter will remain forever, but manifest itself in very different ways then in past situations. My happiness is worth something?
Shelley, thank you for the support, and I think you understand. Sail on Girl.
Terri
