Valerie, what is between She and I is a strange thing, at the bottom of it all, there was and is a deep bond, it has and is being tested to the ultimate extream.  I've been there and back again, so I am under no delusions that things will turn out alright just because I want them to, but she appears to be able to accept the situation if only I make her a true part of my life again.

for some years now I have receeded more and more from her.  I do not share with her, my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my closest thoughts and she knows that and is uncertain what I mean to do after surgery.  She knows what I can do when I set my mind to something and she knows how easily I can simply disapear and is convenced I will do so, and in fact I would and she would never see or hear from me again and according to her, that is a worse fear then the unknown of a true life with me.

What she is asking in return for remaining with me as I choose to go is some assurance that I can truely make an honest commitment to her to remain with her if she accepts me as I am, or at least leaves me alone with it and does not try to hinder me.

She doesn't want me being private with other women.  If I am willing to introduce a woman to her, tell her what I am doing with this woman, come home when I tell her I will be home etc. then she understands private friends, but she doesn't want me having any relationships with others that she feels should be reserved to her.  That doesn't sound strange to me and in fact I would expect it of any woman to feel that way,  After all, what is the point of a committed relationship if you have a need to go outside of the relationship to find the things you need within one. 

Her major complaint is that I am so totally open about my feelings, desires and plans to so many others, but share so little with her anymore.  She seems to honestly want to be a true part of my life again and is willing to adjust her own behavior to make me more comfortable so we can redevelop the relationship we once had.  If she can honestly accomplish this, I can do little else but try with her.  She is not actually asking for anything that isn't reasonable in exchange for making the attempt, and if it proves to not be working out, I can always withdraw with little harm to myself, just more experience.

It's a simple question of what your goals are in life.   I have focused for so long on only one and have simply left other important things to work themselves out later, but as I have said, I can't truely be happy without true love and commitment, and I have no tolerance for things that are temporary.  I need someone to care for and to care for me, I can not be complete without someone to share what is within me with in the closest personal sense.  It is a part of me that defines me and a requirement that must be met.

Part of my willingness to make this attempt is of course due to that inner need.  I have nobody even close to being someone I could live with in this manner and not likely to find such.  So it is natural I would try to salvage a known relationship.  Be that weakness or whatever, I don't care.  I'm rather through with standing purely on principles at any cost or expense.  There is life to consider also.

Anyway, not to worry friend Val, I will take the necessary steps to protect myself in the beginnings of this, until I am sure I am being reasonable.

All I want is to find some happiness in life, regardless of the losses.  A ray of sunshine is all it takes to spark that happiness, even through the eye a dark cloud.

Jessica, I understand many reasons why it would be to her benifit to accept me and create a new bond with me,  People always have personal motivations for everything they do, however, if it translates to fulfilling my own needs, it is of no matter to me as long as I can sense sencerity and a true desire to work with me.

I can no longer be a fighter, but I will never bend to simple stubborness and unwillingness to take whatever chances are necessary to gain the things I value most.  Much of the fighter will remain forever, but manifest itself in very different ways then in past situations.  My happiness is worth something?

Shelley, thank you for the support, and I think you understand.  Sail on Girl.

Terri

Dear Terri, I wish I'd known from the beginning all that you've told us now...I could have perhaps saved myself from appearing less compassionate than I like to think I am.  As I've said, I do often have trouble being objective, especially since the only vantage-point I'd been privy to was yours, and as you're my friend I can 't help but to side with you, though when given to proper discernment I can actually be fair, sometimes to a fault.  Forgive me if I've not listened with both ears or have caused you undue distress.  My only intention was to support you, only I had a hard time for a few days figuirng out what that was supposed to look like.  I offer my humblest apologies.   

I do indeed understand that in marriages certain concessions can and should be made under mutually agreed upon terms.  My husband and I had even discussed at one point the very same thing you and your wife are going through--about having personal friends outside marriage.  In the end as we got to know each other more intimately we found that we needed no such restraint for either of us.  Still, it's for each couple to decide what needs to be done to keep both parties secure in the marriage. 

I'll be quite honest: I have previously attempted to see things from your wife's point of view, but only now since you've provided this detail have I been able to get a better picture, and while I disapprove of how she's hurt you, I still can feel some of her pain and struggle, too. 

As I've mentioned to you previously, if you're going to be married, be married all the way.  And no, it's not weakness at all that you try to salvage the relationship--it's beautiful that you care, which I didn't see before--your earlier posts seemed to suggest you holding on for familiarities' sake, but today you present yourself differently, more completely.  It won't be easy, but hang in there.   And send me a picture if there is another wedding...

XOXO,
Valerie

PS--Thank God for Shelley, who listens before she speaks, and is temperate and tender and a ray of  encouragement.  Would that we all learn from such as she...

Just wanted to my wife is supportive. Most find that kinda odd but........it's true. 

Nuked the picture, not very appropriate,  Sorry.

-Alison

Quote from: BrandiLynnLace on October 30, 2005, 07:40:31 PM
Just wanted to my wife is supportive. Most find that kinda odd but........it's true. 

Not all that odd   I'm a supportive wife myself.

That actually makes you a special lady Alison.

Shelley