Trepidations about starting Testosterone

[Eli]

I've been binding (off/on) since I was fourteen, changed my name legally, asked for male pronouns at school (and been accepted by my peers), had my therapy session, seen an endocrinologist, and been given a prescription for T. Perfect, right?

Except now I'm suddenly going through a femme phase.

I bought a dress, stockings, bra, eyeliner, and earrings. I love the outfit and have gone out in it twice. It's not that I identify as a girl in the slightest but y'know I've always been into costuming and cosplay and to it's like now I've discovered a socially acceptable form of it in dressing femme.

Although 90% of the time I still find my boobs to be annoying, completely impractical, and even a source of dysphoria on bad days... part of me is having fun using them for "crossdressing" as a girl. I've even had a few days lately when I can even silently admit to myself that my body is pretty much okay as it is (if I never had to deal with receiving female pronouns, that is). Then I'll have a bad day (or worse, start bleeding and getting horrible cramps) and I take it all back and just want sideburns and a flat chest and lower voice - and want them yesterday.

This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't literally about to be injecting T into my system in a matter of days (just need to clear up an insurance verification or something with my doctor before they can fill my prescription)... because now I'm not sure I want T? Like, part of me really does want it, if nothing else I know what living life on estrogen has been like for the last twenty years and now I'm ready for a change, but part of me worries about the "irreversible effects"... my plan was to go on it for a year and see how I felt afterwards (I've seen videos on YouTube of guys who went on T and off again, I really liked the effects it had). But still, whenever I forget about calling the doctor's office for a while and remember, I'm suddenly struck with cold feet again. This is confusing as hell. Am I alone in this?

[aleon515]

Hi,

Well judging from what I have seen on youtube, I don't think you are alone. I'm not sure what is going on though. Is that you finally feel comfortable and are willing to explore a feminine side; it is just gender play; are you crossdressing as a male; are really genderqueer who enjoys the female side sometimes??

From what I have heard, not sure how much of T is reversible. I know that some of it is. This is why generally use of T is for your life. But there are people who change their minds and so on. Still better not to take it at all if it isn't right.

If you don't want your period there are ways of stopping it, most of which involve use of female hormones and some degree of risk. There may be ways of handling pain, etc. more effectively.

Uppercase chase is a guy who definitely follows his own drummer. You might find him interesting (he's a bit hyper! )
why im not going back on t.
Keep in mind that you should take anything on youtube with somewhat of a grain of salt.

--Jay Jay

[Taka]

don't they say that it takes about 6 months before the more noticeable changes happen?
that guy in the video above was on t for a year, and you can see how hard it is to notice in his newest videos

also, nobody says you have to get rid of your chest right now. and i think any guy should have the equal right to dress in whichever way he wants. it shouldn't be weirder for a trans guy than a cis guy to crossdress

don't trust me too much, though, since i've never been on t myself. i just know that i'd try it out if i could find an opportunity to do so

[Nero]

don't they say that it takes about 6 months before the more noticeable changes happen?

Well, it takes awhile to pass for some guys, but the problem with taking T if you're not sure is that the irreversible changes happen first. Some literally start almost immediately.
By 6 months, you most likely will have irreversible voice, facial, and body hair changes. Actually, within the first few months. My voice started in the first few weeks. Facial hair not long after. And you can't go by anyone else's changes because it comes down to genetics.
I grew a full beard quickly while some guys' beards still haven't come in after 5 years. You could be looking at a guy's changes on youtube, thinking you'd be okay with what he's got and end up totally different.

Not trying to dissuade anyone - just saying anyone going on T should be resigned to permanent voice, hair (facial and body), and genital changes because they start quickly. And there's no telling what you'll end up with. I never expected to be this hairy. Just make sure you're okay with the permanent stuff.

[ativan]

If you're not sure, then wait.
Just because you have the 'script doesn't mean you have to or should use it.
Take your time with this.
A mistake that can be made, is becoming what you read and watch.
Take your time to find yourself, first.
When in doubt, wait.
Make the decision with conviction and intent.

You could try a low dose to see how you like it, but use that as a tool to make the decision.
It took me months before I started on E, and it is a low dose.
That first patch was put on with clear intent and conviction.

It's like taking a jump. You do it with the intent that you will make it.
That is your conviction. The confidence in yourself, that you know,... who you are.

HRT does not make the person, it is merely a tool, used by the person that knows who they are.

Ativan

[aleon515]

Thanks forum admin (cute name!) for info on permanent effects of T. I don't think I have ever read this anywhere else. (I'm sure it is around somewhere else...)

I agree it is sensible to wait if you feel so conflicted. There is no starting line. Don't let anyone pressure you re: T. And you aren't alone on this. You might enjoy reading posts in this sub-forum.

--Jay Jay

[Pica Pica]

I never expected to be this hairy.

Is it Ginger Pig and Grinning Gorilla?

[Nero]

Is it Ginger Pig and Grinning Gorilla?

Well, seeing as my beard came out kinda red, it's probably Ginger Pig and Ginger Gorilla. 

[Pica Pica]

Gingers of the World, Unite!

Ginger Born and Ginger Bred.

[ativan]

Is it Ginger Pig and Grinning Gorilla?

I have never heard those terms before. Google wasn't any help.

[Pica Pica]

That's because they're made up.

[suzifrommd]

I take it all back and just want sideburns and a flat chest and lower voice - and want them yesterday.

Eli, I don't see that there's a rush. If you put off T for a few months, the worst that will happen is that you will learn more about yourself and about what your gender identity really looks like. You may be more sure you want it, or more sure you don't, but you will have the benefit of time and perspective.

[Eli]

Wow, I owe you all a big time for the replies, I wasn't expecting much, thanks.

Vocal changes are the main reason I wanted to pursue T even if only temporarily to lower it, actually! I'm already fairly hairy as is so I'm not too worried about that. Lower growth is also not an issue for me (in fact I'm curious to see if it enhances my experiences since I have difficulty becoming aroused from my female genitalia, my sexuality has become so warped because of that, but that's another story) though the possibility of "permanent dryness" downstairs is a bit... daunting to say the least. Also "deflated" cleavage... boobs are bad enough but ones that can't even be flaunted are even more agonizing?

What I'm curious about is a lot of you have mentioned starting a low/er dosage of T? My Endo seems to be pretty by-the-book and wants to work me up to a dosage to match the normal male level. When I told him about wanting to go on it only for a year for voice reasons, he didn't seem to understand since all the transguys he treated have been cut and dry about their transition. I didn't press the issue though since I was worried he wouldn't give me the prescription if I got too in-depth about my dressing up femme. Anyway, I guess I'm curious how you'd go about a lower dose (while avoiding patches/cream? I can't afford those).

Also, as for confusion about my identity. I identify as a man. That has not changed, probably never will. I will always prefer male pronouns if given the choice. It's just I have a very... evolved sense of gender. Like, say I was actually born biologically male: I would totally have grown up dressing as a girl in between the army soldiers and indians (like I've done anyway). I just wouldn't (and don't) identify as female because at the end of the day I'm a boy. A boy who sometimes likes putting on dresses.

But when I'm biologically female it'd be difficult (if impossible) to maintain my masculine identity if I started going to school in skirts and dresses. I can't expect anyone to just pick-up on an identity like that when dressing femme with actual boobs. Heck, even I assume if the lady is wearing a dress and she prefers female pronouns ...that's where T would be wonderful because people would be able to pick up on the biological cues (voice, scent, facial hair, fat redistribution, etc). It'd also make everyday-male-presentation passing much easier.

Then there's the fact that I've become sexually active for the first time in my life and I have two love interests on completely different ends of the spectrum (a young female, and an older gentleman) and while the female puts up with my hairiness, I know she prefers femininity and I'm also pretty sure the male is attracted to femininity as well. Damn. Life was so much easier when I went around assuming I wasn't attractive to anyone. And without the pressure of possibly loosing any sense of attractiveness when it's suddenly being admired... That probably sounds pretty shallow. After all it's being admired for the very things I have never liked about my body. Yikes, this got pretty deep and involved!

[suzifrommd]

Then there's the fact that I've become sexually active for the first time in my life and I have two love interests on completely different ends of the spectrum (a young female, and an older gentleman) and while the female puts up with my hairiness, I know she prefers femininity and I'm also pretty sure the male is attracted to femininity as well.

Good luck Eli.

About your love interests: Enjoy yourself, but don't get too attached to anyone who won't love you for being you.

[Eli]

Good luck Eli.

About your love interests: Enjoy yourself, but don't get too attached to anyone who won't love you for being you.

Thank you. I've always been very principled about being myself despite the opinion of others (kind of have to learn to be when you don't fit the gender binary) it's just that I do have a femme side - that is a legitimate part of me - and maybe having the support of friends accept and support my masculinity has let me feel secure enough in my masculinity that I have begun to explore my femme side. And now I have someone who celebrates me, both my masculine identity and my female body, and it is strange (in a positive way, I'm sure). Even if it's just to my own twisted sensibilities, I just need to figure out how to balance my masculinity and femme side when it's far too easy to be seen as just female without expressing any feminine attributes at it is (alas, hips don't lie).

[aleon515]

Is there some reason you feel you'd need to rush into taking the T? I know you might be curious, but I'm not sure that in itself is enough. Do you have any interest in exploring this new awareness?

There are people who take low dose T, but that in itself has some effects, which I am not entirely sure of. But low or regular, there is no need to rush into any of this.

--Jay Jay

[MagicKitty]

I've got a masculine side and a feminine side as well. You could say I'm MTF, but in reality im MT... both? I've done quite a bit of thinking regarding hormones, and if I should start to take them. I finally decided that hormones was right for me, as i'm undoubtedly male. It's much easier for a woman to appear as a man, than it is for a man to appear as a woman.

I'll get irreversible changes. I'll get boobs, less body hair, feminization of my body. So I'll be able to use that to my advantage when I want to appear female, or hide them when I want to appear male(using a binder, like FTMs). I've always wanted boobs, and when I was younger, I wanted a vagina too, but that's expensive, and honestly... an orchiectomy is good enough, as I don't hate my genitals. Right before I accepted myself as trans, I decided I wanted to get back into weight lifting and bought a bunch of stuff for it.

That said... you should weigh the pros and cons of testosterone and it's "permanent" effects. In society it is often "easier" and "safer" to be a man. However, like you said... the feminine side also has a lure as well.

Do you want a deeper voice? Once the voice deepens, it will not go back.
Do you want facial hair and body hair? Facial hair won't go away, but the body hair will. (it's a pain)
Do you want your face and body to masculinize?

Judging by the picture you have next to your post, it seems that you'd pass without T.

Cost benefit analysis. Nobody can tell you if T is right for you or not, but weigh the options and decide which is more important, and which masculine/feminine traits you can hide if you choose to do so.

[Taka]

i think the boobs can be fixed again if you stop t, or with implants

and sevan has mentioned using locally applied estrogen to keep things down there from drying up
you can read one of hir posts about it here
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,108622.msg817076.html#msg817076

[aleon515]

i think the boobs can be fixed again if you stop t, or with implants

and sevan has mentioned using locally applied estrogen to keep things down there from drying up
you can read one of hir posts about it here
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,108622.msg817076.html#msg817076

T doesn't get rid of chesticles. I think that T redistributes fat. I understand this is something that reverses. I think the three things listed don't go away.

BTW, I read Stone Butch Blues. Ze started on T and then stopped. Ze used electrolysis to get rid of hair, and accepted the rest.

--Jay Jay

[Eli]

Alright y'all thanks for the help. The only problem I seem to be having now is getting my Endo's office to clear my prescription with my pharmacy for insurance mumbo-jumbo. At this rate I'll have to cancel my one month check-up for lack of having any T to inject! Ah, red tape... (my friend says it's a sign, hah).