New girl currently at a crossroads

[EmmaMcAllister]

Hi all,

Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Emma, a pre-transition (and possibly a never transitioned) MtF transsexual. I'm an artist and soon-to-be philosophy student. My situation is oh so complicated, but I'll try not to be too long winded.

I'm in my late 20's and I have a severe physical disability. I can't walk, and I require a lot of care. I live at home with my parents, who provide most of care, and my grandmother. I also get funding to employ personal support workers for roughly 70 hours/week.

I've wanted to be a girl since I was 12. I tried hard to ignore these feelings, and I've suffered from a lot of self-hatred. I've been seeing a therapist for three months now, who has been helping me toward self-acceptance. I've just hired a GLBT personal support worker who will be able to help me crossdress, attend support groups, etc.

My father is a severe homophobe, fueled by personal baggage that I won't go into. I'm terrified about what will happen to my family if I come out. After YEARS of wrestling with the idea, I came out to my mother last night. I was reasonably sure that she would be able to accept the idea in time, but I was pleasantly surprised to receive nothing but immediate love and support. She'll be in my corner no matter what, and would move out with me if I choose to come out to my father and he can't accept it.

There's the crossroad. I have absolutely no idea how he'll react. He loves me just as much as I love him, but I just can't see him reacting well. If it goes terribly wrong, I would be responsible for the destruction of my family. Add to this:

1. I may not live much longer than a decade anyway, and
2. I'm relatively unable to work. SRS is covered where I live, but not FFS (which is essential to my transition), and

I'm just not sure whether transition is worth the risk. I want to transition more than anything, but not if it leaves my life (and the lives of my loved ones) in tatters. Needless to say, I'm fairly confused.

That's me in a nutshell! 

[Jamie D]

Hi there, Emma, and welcome from southern California

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I see that you are in a tough situation.  Follow the lead of your therapists and doctors.

I hope you can work it out with your parents.

In the meantime, read, interact, and join the conversation.

(Let me add, I had to learn how to walk again at the age of 5, due to brain damage.  I don't know the severity of your situation, but my heart goes out to you.)

[EmmaMcAllister]

Thank you for the welcome and links, Jamie. 

[Jamie D]

There will be some more members of the "Welcome Wagon" by soon.  The Australian contingent is about to log in, and then our members from the far east, and the early birds in Europe.

[Catherine Sarah]

Thank you Jamie D for the intro, as the sun rises over the sails of the Opera House on glistening Sydney Harbour, it's time to welcome all our overnight visitors. And congratulations Jamie, you've come a long way.

Hi Emma,

A big warm (yeah 19⁰C ) Aussie welcome to Susan's family. I'm so pleased you have come to stay, as this is a family by choice. It's one I'll never leave that's for sure.

Congratulations on coming to terms with your feelings and acting on them. This is the first major step in fulfilling your dreams. And with the love and support that abounds here, dreams coming true are an everyday event here. The unimaginable happens very frequently, it's the impossible we are working on. But happy to say major inroads have been made there too.

Karen, our resident Tasmanian, speaks your language too. Philosophy, you should get on like a house on fire.

I'm just so pleased your Mum is on board with you. She could be your greatest ally when it comes to bringing your Father into the loop. Although he may be homophobic, you must remember you are his sibling. That should engender a special bond between you. Particularly when GID is a recognised medical condition. Fortunately homophobia is as far removed from GID as East is from West. I assume your Father is quite an intelligent man, he should be able to understand your condition. From what you've said there must already be a special bond between you all. Hopefully, it is unconditional love.

Just on the topic of transition, you may get a lot of comfort from an inspirational post I read just recently from one of our more intellectual philosophers here, Sephirah

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,121680.msg949248.html#msg949248

I believe she really nailed the matter on the head. Transition occurs on your acceptance of yourself. The rest is just mere detail, of which you may choose all, none or whatever you are comfortable with. After all, we are talking about the most important person here; YOU.

Needless to say there is a mountain of resources and friendships for you to engage in here, it's all by choice, and I'm very so pleased you made that choice.

Look forward to hearing more from you in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[justmeinoz]

Hi and welcome from another of the Aussie sheilas.  It's 8 in Hobart but then next stop is the ice, it's a fair way South of where Catherine is.
Sephirah is right.  Transition starts the moment we realise that the inside and the outside don't match.  The rest is renovations and details. 
It is the same as 'coming out', the most important person to come out to is ourselves.  Once we accept ourselves, we can make changes.  You have started the journey, which has lots of stops along the way. 

Karen.

[SourCandy]

*hugs* Hi Emma =]

While I will agree with the others that the mental steps are more important, x3 Changing yourself physically is usually important to people personally, and I can see why you are very scared about it. But as they have said, sometimes you need to embrace and look at the things you have accomplished, and accepting yourself is an accomplishment worth being proud of!

I could say that you shouldn't worry becasue you aren't to blame at how other people react to you, but worrying is pretty natural. Regardless of what you choose to or are able to do, I will hope the best for you.

Also don't sell your life so short, .-. Regardless of your medical problems don't put an expiration date on yourself *huggles*

[EmmaMcAllister]

Thanks for the warm welcomes, all. I don't think I said where I was from! I'm about as far away from Australia as you can get, Canada. Though it is blistering hot right now, it should be noted that my definition of hot is contrasted with my comfort of -20˚C weather. 

Thank you Catherine, Karen, and SourCandy for your words of encouragement. I'm so happy to find a community like this, and wish I had sought it out sooner.

I know in my heart that I've started on a long and difficult journey. The moment I told my Mother, I shut the door on denial. I don't exactly know where I'm going yet, just that it's away from self-hatred.

I look forward to getting to know you all better!

♥ Emma

[Devlyn]

Hi Emma, I'm near Boston, our weather usually starts with an  F, and I don't mean Fahrenheit! They don't let me write philosophical posts, but I'm told I make coffee and do the dishes like nobodys business! Just be yourself, or there will  be no one doing it for you. Hugs, Devlyn   

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7329 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet 

[Catherine Sarah]

I'm about as far away from Australia as you can get, Canada.

Don't worry Emma, we won't hold that against you     I just think of Karen. She's on this island called Tasmania which due to the Continental shift is heading for Antarctic.

my definition of hot is contrasted with my comfort of -20˚C weather.   

Dear god girl. I'm absolutely amazed you've survived so far. Minus temperature figures don't figure in my lifestyle. Hope you have the sheepskin nickers handy   

I know in my heart that I've started on a long and difficult journey. The moment I told my Mother, I shut the door on denial. I don't exactly know where I'm going yet, just that it's away from self-hatred.

Congratulations Emma. Hope you are absolutely proud of yourself for making these monumental decisions. No easy task in what you've done. Denial and self hatred are just sooooo debilitating. Sure it is a long and difficult journey, but the achievements and dreams that are attained are MORE than worth it. You will be simply amazed at the heights and depths of elation and jubilation you will experience.

I look forward to getting to know you all better!

And us of you. You have something special to share.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Devlyn]

Don't worry, Jamie, the drain bamage is hardly noticable 

[EmmaMcAllister]

Thanks Devlyn & Janet! And thanks again, Catherine. Things feel so surreal right now. I'm still rather scared about the road ahead, but proud that I took the first few steps.

[Joelene9]

  Yes!  You do feel surreal at this time.  When I started HRT 19 months ago, I thought that your #1 reason was my ticket due to the possibility of prostate cancer and the death of singer Dan Fogleberg from it at my age.  The cancer is still possible, but the HRT has it in check at the moment.  I decided to relax and take the HRT and let things float after decades of dysphoria.  Who knows, it may extend your life and have the better quality of it.  I am sure feeling the effects of a better outlook. 
  You do have good support here at Susan's. 
  Joelene

[Cindy]

Hi Emma,

Yet another Aussie from Adelaide South Australia.

The first steps are always the hardest, coming out to your Mum is great, and don't worry about stuff until it needs to be worried about, which is never. We all face our journey's and we are special people because we face one that many people cannot understand. It is not until you meet other travellers that you realise that this is the path for us, and we are right to follow it. Yes, you have been dealt a hard life, but you are now among a group of extraordinary people who offer one thing, love and support (OK that's two ) and we are everywhere.

So look through the site, join in the games, laugh at the jokes and gossip. and post away.

Hugs

Cindy

[Cindy]

Don't worry, Jamie, the drain bamage is hardly noticable 

Makes you wonder why Not a lot to damage???

[Jamie D]

Watch out you two!
  I know some voodoo curses

[Cindy]

Watch out you two!
  I know some voodoo curses

Devlyn is that you??

[Jamie D]

Little shoulder pain, sweet Aunty Cindy?

Lumbago acting up, Devlyn dear?

MUHAHAHAHA!

[MadelineB]

Welcome Emma. I started my own transition after I realized what I had been telling friends and loved ones for the longest time, that LIFE IS TO SHORT NOT TO BE YOURSELF. I finally had to take my own advice, which I've never regretted. We all have good days and not so good days, but I can tell you that every day is better when you feel at home in your own skin. Life is a treasure and so are you.