What is it like to de-transition?

[Beth Andrea]

I've read a number of threads + posts since I've been here about MTF's who de-transition.

I understand the...well, I don't understand.

Nevermind the different reasons, like "I missed my family", "I wanted to work in my field again", etc....but, it is the process of dealing with permanent changes (laser, electrolysis, orchi, etc...does anyone who's gone thru SRS choose to de-transition?).

Do you go thru the whole process of name change back to male, telling everyone you're now "(male name)" again? What degree of self-consciousness did this make you?

At this point in my life and transition, I simply cannot fathom going back to being a guy...to having high T levels (not that mine was very high anyway...), to correcting everyone, "Oh, I'm not Beth anymore, I'm (male name)."

If you would like to share this or other details, that'd be great.

No bashing, please. Add, share, or read.

[Elsa]

Hi Beth,

I know what that's like to some extent at least - I was at the exact stage that you are now when I started facing a crisis ... I had to choose between spending my life with someone I really really really loved and cared about (and still do) and transitioning...

I gave it a go for 1 and half year (and we were friends for a year before that) but it didn't work out...  and it was my first ever relationship so it hurt when we broke up a month and a half ago - I decided we were both better off as friends after what had happened although at times I really miss her as a partner...

And She was really turned off when I behaved in ANY girly manner...

now am back where I started 2 years ago - back to HRT...

the good thing was that at least I got to share an experience with someone wonderful...

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I did it about 20 years ago and it was hell.  For 20 years I was suicidal and depressed.


I would do anything in my power to keep someone from detransitioning, but it is their life and their call.

[MariaMx]

Ending up doing this was one of my greatest fears starting out. I can't imagine what doing that would be like.

[Beth Andrea]

Thanks for the replies!  I'm thinking that even if de-transitioning "looks" good in a "the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" sort of way, once one actually does de-t, it sucks worse than working to succeed as a trans-person...mainly because one *did* accept themselves as trans, but then actively denying it plays hell on them.

I don't know, I'm just trying to understand. I would think there are some who de-t'd and are happy...but of course they're not likely to be posting here...

*hugs*

[wendy]

I am not sure about detransitioning but you can always go back to sitting on fence.

I've installed a seat on fence so that it is more comfortable.

Maybe some of us are analog and not digital.

[Jamie D]

Part of the reason psychological counseling is part of the Standards of Care is that, for some people, transitioning is not the right thing to do.

[Beth Andrea]

Part of the reason psychological counseling is part of the Standards of Care is that, for some people, transitioning is not the right thing to do.

But I'm not talking about them...I'm talking about TS for whom transitioning is the right thing, but for whatever reason (legal, social, family, etc) they stop transitioning after being substantially on that path.

I would expect them to have to change their name back to their original gender (not necessarily their original name, however), not wear the "correct" gendered clothes, and as part of this, they'd have to re-educate their families/coworkers/etc on their choice to not transition to be a woman/man.

Just wondering what sorts of hurdles or problems they would face, if there's problems, etc. (Not looking for myself, I'm just curious about those who've done an "about face" with something so crucial to one's identity.)

Again, the person knows transitioning is the right choice for them, but due to circumstances they must completely or partially de-transition.

[noeleena]

Hi,

This is not directed at any one . two points

I know of some who could not hack being in a womans world & looking at some of thier pics they did not look in any way as woman  very manly or masculine.

Now wether they were accepted or not i have no idear as that did not seem to me to be what this was about , it was about i dont fit in i cant fit in because . & this then is my ? were they really who they said they were. or thought they could be women .

So the end result was they back tracked & lived as what they were in the begining just men.  now of cause they are back in the male world,
...........................

My self its of little difference to me because of being intersexed. i dont see being female or male as different because of how im wired. im happy being the way i am so i cant change from one to the other. it has totaly no meaning.

different has its own way of working through things just not as a male or just as a female.

Iv looked at this from different sides so do understand . as iv said before ,

If one finds themselfs in a position of not sure or what ever the reason its not a crime  just a fact of life. for us who are some what different in how others percive or see us.

I move very freely among women im accepted have no issues a few of cause will allways be there to say or voice ....thier.... opinon  well they can & thats all it is till they get to know you as a person. & its not about wether your male or female or like i am intersexed. that does not come in to it its about accepting another person for who they or you are,

It must allways be about acceptance .

...noeleena...

[lilacwoman]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1327554/Charles-Kane-sex-change--hated-Samantha-man-Now-hes-getting-married-So-fiancee-crazy.html

this guy got a lot of media time but never came across as being totally sane and sound.

[Cindy]

I think it is one of therapy steps. I'm not quite sure where in the process but I think people, or at least I did, have a doubt. Is this what you really want? You are giving so much away. Yes your a miserable will this realy be what you want?


Then you go to work and present as you and feel the 'what the hell have I done' feeling. Can I go back and hide. Maybe it isn't for me. The whole emotional waterfall.
BTW I think the hormones do have a influence at that point, and the support you receive. I think it can be a breaking point.


I thought about it deeply before I went FT.  I had been PT for so long, leaving that avenue to escape down.


I realised there was no going back. I'm not 100% sure what made that decision for me. To be honest I really have no idea when in the process it was total commitment or hiding behind the mask.


I cannot imagine any way of going back.


I was asked yesterday that if my wife died, how would I go to her  funeral?


I had to think about it.


I would go as Cindy.


That is who I am.

[Nicolette]

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1327554/Charles-Kane-sex-change--hated-Samantha-man-Now-hes-getting-married-So-fiancee-crazy.html

this guy got a lot of media time but never came across as being totally sane and sound.

I had the pleasure of befriending them and then finding that out for myself. They seemed quite single minded about how right they thought transition and SRS was for them, which forced me to question my own sanity and take the slow lane to SRS.

[MariaMx]

Come to think of it there was a friend of a friend that started transition a few years back only to stop as soon as they got approved for hormones. I've never really talked to him/her personally, only said hi at a concert once, so I don't really know what the story is. He/she was even did an interview for a national news paper about transitioning, then full stop. Still don't know the person but as far as I know they are doing fine.


To me it seemed that coming out and telling everyone about my plans and how I had felt on the inside for all these years only to back track and continue on as if nothing happened would be about equivalent to making up a pregnancy for attention. If I had stopped my transition after all the noise and spectacle, how would people view me afterwards? Would I ever have any credibility ever again? Would they think I was nuts to be mistaken about such a thing? Starting my journey down the road of transition I was 100% convinced it was a one way street. Turning around and going back was a totally unacceptable option in my mind and that scared me a great deal the days that the task at hand seemed impossible. Once I had progressed to the point that I knew I would succeed my worries disappeared. I was sort of expecting to have moments of doubt or regret but it just never happened. Not for one second.


The GIC here where I live have this 5 year followup program after officially being done. It involves coming in once a year to talk about how things are going and fill out some questionnaires a research program they are doing. It was completely voluntarily and though I got no tangible benefit from it I did come in all 5 times. I got along great with the person I talked to had very pleasant conversations with her. I believe it was my last visit she asked me if my new life lived up to all my expectations. My answer was no but I went on to explain to her that in all my previous experiences nothing ever is, so if there was one thing I was sure of it was that I had no idea exactly what it would be like. Is my new life perfect? No, it is not, but it is so much better than my old life, and that is all I ever rationally expected to get out of transition. I will never go back and I never worry about it anymore.

[Beth Andrea]

I think it is one of therapy steps. I'm not quite sure where in the process but I think people, or at least I did, have a doubt. Is this what you really want? You are giving so much away. Yes your a miserable will this realy be what you want?


Then you go to work and present as you and feel the 'what the hell have I done' feeling. Can I go back and hide. Maybe it isn't for me. The whole emotional waterfall.
BTW I think the hormones do have a influence at that point, and the support you receive. I think it can be a breaking point.


I thought about it deeply before I went FT.  I had been PT for so long, leaving that avenue to escape down.

...

Oh yeah, wow. I did all this introspection before going FT...and yes, I saw a lot of support and encouragement (mainly from the lesbians I encountered). Even so, without the encouragement I would have still gone FT, it just would have taken longer to work up the steam to do it.

Without hormones? I probably wouldn't have, because I'd have done myself in. "Going back" is not even conceivable for me. But, for some, it is...and I'm interested in what happened to them (their own acceptance, and their perception of how others accepted it) afterwards.

[Beth Andrea]

Come to think of it there was a friend of a friend that started transition a few years back only to stop as soon as they got approved for hormones. I've never really talked to him/her personally, only said hi at a concert once, so I don't really know what the story is. He/she was even did an interview for a national news paper about transitioning, then full stop. Still don't know the person but as far as I know they are doing fine.


To me it seemed that coming out and telling everyone about my plans and how I had felt on the inside for all these years only to back track and continue on as if nothing happened would be about equivalent to making up a pregnancy for attention. If I had stopped my transition after all the noise and spectacle, how would people view me afterwards? Would I ever have any credibility ever again? Would they think I was nuts to be mistaken about such a thing? Starting my journey down the road of transition I was 100% convinced it was a one way street. Turning around and going back was a totally unacceptable option in my mind and that scared me a great deal the days that the task at hand seemed impossible. Once I had progressed to the point that I knew I would succeed my worries disappeared. I was sort of expecting to have moments of doubt or regret but it just never happened. Not for one second.


The GIC here where I live have this 5 year followup program after officially being done. It involves coming in once a year to talk about how things are going and fill out some questionnaires a research program they are doing. It was completely voluntarily and though I got no tangible benefit from it I did come in all 5 times. I got along great with the person I talked to had very pleasant conversations with her. I believe it was my last visit she asked me if my new life lived up to all my expectations. My answer was no but I went on to explain to her that in all my previous experiences nothing ever is, so if there was one thing I was sure of it was that I had no idea exactly what it would be like. Is my new life perfect? No, it is not, but it is so much better than my old life, and that is all I ever rationally expected to get out of transition. I will never go back and I never worry about it anymore.

That's what I'm thinking, too. But in the interest of the "scientific method", I'd like to hear what those who have de-t'd might say. (My suspicions are the same as yours--noise and spectacle, credibility issues, insanity, etc).

It's interesting that the "friend of a friend" chose to stop the process before taking hormones...that's really the first, BIG, permanent step on the way to changing the body. Once I was prescribed them, I thought about this...for about 0.0001 seconds.     On the other hand, a year earlier I'd been prescribed testosterone (androderm) for depression, and THAT was my "OMG MUST NOT DO THIS!" moment.

[wendy]

When millionaire property developer Charles Kane steps out with his new fiancée, people tend to either stare or discreetly do a double take.

It may be because Victoria Emms is a striking redhead and, at 28 to Charles's 50, is young enough to be his daughter.

But they both suspect it is because they look - to use their own words - 'eccentric' or 'odd'.

In Victoria's eyes, Charles is 'all man', but ­others may disagree. Born Sam Hashimi, the businessman and divorced father-of-two had a sex-change operation in 1987 to turn him into glamorous interior designer Samantha Kane.  Third time lucky? Charles Kane as he is today with his fiance Victoria Emms He spent £100,000 on cosmetic operations and tooth veneers to create the 'ultimate male ­fantasy' and was so convincing as a woman he had no trouble attracting men, and was briefly engaged to a wealthy landowner.

Then, in 2004, after seven years of living as a woman, he decided he'd made a horrible mistake; the result -he believes now -of a breakdown following the acrimonious end of his 12-year ­marriage and estrangement from his children.

Initially thrilled by his transformation, life as a woman quickly paled despite a jetset lifestyle in Monaco.

He hated the way female hormones made him moody and emotional. Shopping bored him and sex was a disappointment.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1327554/Charles-Kane-sex-change--hated-Samantha-man-Now-hes-getting-married-So-fiancee-crazy.html#ixzz22mFYniqP

[MariaMx]

It's interesting that the "friend of a friend" chose to stop the process before taking hormones...that's really the first, BIG, permanent step on the way to changing the body. Once I was prescribed them, I thought about this...for about 0.0001 seconds.     On the other hand, a year earlier I'd been prescribed testosterone (androderm) for depression, and THAT was my "OMG MUST NOT DO THIS!" moment.

Having a few friends in common I had a brief exchange on facebook. When we were introduced by our friend at the concert where we met in person they didn't realize who I was at first, but when I explained they sort of got this frightened and uncomfortable look on their face. Our conversation there after lasted for about 20 seconds I think. Not long after this I was told by my friend that the transition was off. The brief explanation I was given was that their gf was pregnant and they wanted to put things on hold for a while and fatherhood a go. After this there's been no talk of it what so ever. Almost as if it never happened. What the future holds, no one knows. Maybe old ghosts will come back to haunt them in a few years or so.




For years there were moments where I considered transitioning but deemed it an impossibility. Had I for some reason or another come out at that time I don't know what would have happened. I guess it's possible I might have done the same. In the end though I was compelled to transition and would go all the way even if it would kill me.

[wendy]

Thank you Lilac for reference.  Charles is Hmm beautiful and look at his nails.

[sonopoly]

What about the very successful sportswriter Mike Penner/Christine Daniels?

He publicly announced his true gender identity in 2007 at age 50.  He transformed to Christine and changed his byline to Christine Daniels, the about a year later, he changed his byline back to Mike Penner.  A year or so later he was dead of a suicide.  Sorry if the pronouns offend anyone - I tried, but wasn't sure. 

Sad story - I'm not sure why he was unhappy being male or female or if it had anything to do with gender issues, but I am assuming it did.

[wendy]

Know why we can not understand someone else thoughts? 

It is because we can not read minds.

I think I do not have a choice but I do.

Doing nothing is a choice.