Scared About Fall Semester. Turns into rant about confusion. Help please..

[KamTheMan]

So I haven't consistently gone to school in a while, and I'm starting a new "major" in the Fall (Construction Technology). It involves a lot of hands-on lab work like wiring and learning to build stuff. Very "stereotypically male." Anyways, I'm still very confused about my gender. One thing I do know is that I don't like being seen as a butch lesbian. I pass really well for the most part, but my extra smooth face is extremely obvious when people get to know me, like if they find out my age, etc. I'm already thinking of at least emailing my instructors before classes start and asking that they use a shortened version of my girly name that is considered male so at the very least I won't get outed by roll call. But I'm seriously scared ->-bleeped-<-less of going to classes. Just the thought of school starting at the end of the month is seriously freaking me out. I wish none of this gender confusion BS was happening to me. I had always felt a certain amount shame fore being "gay." Especially since I'm already so different (6'3 and FAAB). Presenting as a femme female, I was constantly stared at and whispered about. Presenting as a tomboyish/queer female, I was constantly stared at and whispered about. Presenting as a teenage boy, I have polite conversations with middle aged ladies, guys treat me like a friend and chat me up about girls and stuff, store clerks talk to me like I'm a nice young man, girls smile at me. The acceptance I immediately felt when I started responding to people calling me sir, etc and dressing with the intention of passing by covering everything "feminine" about my body, was amazing as filled me with such relief. A lifetime on the outside looking in reversed so easily. Suddenly all I wanted was to transition and be happy like all the transguys I saw on YouTube that were on T, had top surgery, and were starting families with their girls, etc. But now I'm trapped because I think I'm ugly when I look at myself and see a butch lesbian and I find myself attractive when I look in the mirror at "male me." So I'm confused. More confused than I've ever been in my entire life. Over a year now of questioning whether I'm actually transgendered and I don't feel any closer to telling my parents I'm not confused anymore. No closer to transitioning or accepting my female body. No closer to being able to introduce myself to ANYONE because I have no idea who I am introducing. I'm so lost, and so scared. I don't know if I'm ever going to actually live or have the opportunity to start a family because I'm a hermit; trapped indoors because I can't figure out my identity. I don't meet people. I'm constantly having conversations with strangers, but forget about introducing myself or trying to start up a friendship. I can't stand it for much longer. I haven't been with a girl or actually made a new friend in OVER FOUR YEARS. Gender confusion this past year and a half just made a sad life even worse. Sorry for the pathetic rant. If anyone reads this whole thing and has some insight I'd really appreciate it. I'm just so lost, it's driving me crazy. Please HELP! Thank you, everyone.

[AdamMLP]

I don't really have much advice I can give about your confusion really, or about school, I just wanted to say that I'm in a sort of similar situation as I'm starting an Engineering course which is all male and have no idea how I'm going to handle being read as male and one or two people knowing me as female so you're not alone there.

[MrTesto]

School can be tough on anybody. On the other hand, being on your own can give you a bit of latitude to start expressing yourself in ways you want to. It's not clear to me whether the environment will be a campus, or not, or if it's a sort of public college (state school) or not. If so, you have more options than you think as far as getting support. And if it's a CA state school there are some possibilities of trans savvy health care.

But even if it's not a state college setting, you might be protected as a trans (or perceived to be trans or gender variant) student. In Oct. 2010, the US federal Dept of Education released a letter clarifying this. All schools & colleges that receive any fender funding (for instance, work study money) have to include trans students in protection from harassment. More info here: http://transgenderequality.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/department-of-education-title-ix-prohibits-gender-based-harassment/

If the school has an LGBT group, contact them first, maybe using an anonymous email account. When you talk with the program (student affairs office, or the dean equivalent), just ask them what procedures they have in place for trans students. Don't forget to be sure that your email doesn't out you - maybe you can have your initials on it, if you want to leave options open. Good luck!

[Arch]

Kyle, your profile says you are in CA. Are you going to a CA school? From what other trans guys have said (and my own experiences), most CA schools are pretty liberal. I don't recognize your major, so I'm wondering if you're going to a less traditional school. If so, it might be a little more conservative, but you have to work with what you've got.

By all means contact your instructors and ask them to use a shortened version of your name. If you are on the semester system, you're probably starting soon, so you might want to jump on that right now. It will make you feel better to take some control, even if the waiting to hear back drives you a little nuts.

Also, have you talked to the school about adding your preferred name to their database? Some schools will do that without a legal name change.

MrTesto gave you some very good advice. I would add that, yes, you'll probably face some hurdles, but you will get through this. You're taking on a lot of new stuff all at once, and that can be overwhelming. Take time out to breathe, make a list of things to do, maybe indulge in a little journaling or come to Susan's to vent. We'll help you get through it.

[Stewie]

Hey, I can related to you on SO many levels.
First of all, not feeling comfortable with my body, is something I should talk about first. I don't necessarily hate my body, but it does make me uncomfortable and sad at times. Sad in the sense that I will never have male genitals. Uncomfortable in the sense that I do tend to dislike my chest.
About feeling ugly, I see exactly what you're saying. I remember going to a dance with a guy and dressing up all girly (This was a stage in my life when I was trying to see if maybe I could be happy with a guy and I was trying to please my family. Didn't happen. I'm a straight male) I don't even think I have the pictures anymore but gosh, just thinking about it, I felt so ugly! It just wasn't right. I look at myself in the mirror, (above the neck) and I can see a male. I'm not a stunningly good looking guy or anything. But I can see someone who is alright. Handsome in my own way. And with the T, it will only get better.

As for being uncomfortable with the teachers, then the best thing you can do is e-mail them! I honestly suggest trying to see some sort of therapist and talking through things. Don't rush it. A relationship is NOT impossible. Maybe you're better off finishing school and then getting into one! That way you will have things in order.

[henrytwob]

Hi kyleXX - Mr. teso has some really good advice posted. I would just ad that if you are really nervous, visit the professor's office before class starts and talk with him/her. I would guess that you will not have a problem. My guess is that you will just be accepted and no one would ever be able to think that you ar anything but what you appear - I base that on your surroundings, unfortunately - how many girls are taking these type of courses, they are not expecting a girl, therefore they will not see one. Furthermore,  you will be TALLER that 90% of the guys in the room!!! Awesome.

Good luck in your studies.

[justmeinoz]

It happens from this side of the fence too. Sometimes I see too much bloke in the mirror, so I deliberately avoid mirrors unless I am doing something feminising like shaving or putting on mascara.   We really are all our own worst enemies at this . 

The fact that you are 6'3" is a good start. You can build on that, and it sounds like you are actually passing pretty well.  Maybe just try for a non-descript middle ground appearancewise.  Jeans, engineer boots and a leather jacket, or sweatshirt and old runners, are generically masculine, and the sort of practical attire a tradesman would wear. It is the sort of gear I wore while trying to pass as a guy for so many years and it seemed to work.  I still felt like crap, but nobody noticed. 

Do you have access to a Gender Therapist?  They really can help sort out the confusion if you have never seen one before.

Karen.

[Hayzer12]

You live in a liberal area; just talk to your professors.


I live in one of the most transphobic states in America and I have let ALL of my professors know, and they all refer to me by my chosen name as well as male pronouns.

[Cindy]

Hi Kyle,


I am a Uni Prof in Australia and I do teach.  In Aus we are very aware of gender and sex issues among our students and we are pretty careful to help our students out. The worse thing of course is if we  do not know. So let your teacher know, visit them and explain, don't just email them, I get so may emails a day that have 'dear Prof' in the subject line that often I trash them unread. Open communication between students and teachers is very much appreciated in every matter.  Just make sure you do communicate. Knocking on someones door and saying Hi I'm Kyle I'm a new student in your course and I have a problem, can I talk to you some time. Is a good start. If I wasn't busy I'b probably say go for it Kyle.


And of course in my case I would be very supportive, for reason,and  introduce you to some service in the community that may be useful. Including my standard: If you are having a problem call me, I can help.


Have a great time at College.


Cindy

[henrytwob]

 hi Kyle,

Cindy is definitely the go to person on this topic since she is in the field. I am only slightly in the field. She is right, go for a face to face. I can not tell you how many professors adore it when students come and talk to them. Indeed, I have heard many grumble over why they have office hours when nobody ever comes. Knock on their doors.  And I must say, even in my conservative state (Texas), i think the profs will be all right. Most schools have GLBT clubs/ communities/ services so you might be happily surprised. Also, i suspect the word coming down from the admin these days in most colleges is inclusion. All schools in the U.S. are fighting for every student dollar and the school want to be seen as friendly - to all diverse populations.

I've read on some of the other posts about passing that it is really a state of mind. I am not trying to pass now, but when i did, it was "all in the head".  Indeed, what I learned the other day, is that just thinking it yourself will be felt by others.

Good luck. Believe in yourself.

[go..ogle]

I'm not sure what part of Ca you're in but I too attend school in this state.


I'm also not sure if your school is public or private.


I go to a tiny, private school where everyone knows everyone. After my first semester here I asked my peers& professors to call me Preferred Name. Why? Because it made me comfortable to be called Preferred Name. College& life is difficult enough so I wanted to do whatever I could to make me more comfortable.


At that time I was pre-t& I would be assumed to be a run-of-the-mill, biological, anatomical male until I spoke. It was difficult because people would use female pronouns due to my voice. Months later people who meet me now assume I was born physically male& those who had doubts from earlier classes, no longer doubt.


I understand this can be confusing so just do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If someone gets it wrong, politely correct them if you feel the need. Try not to dwell on any crappy moments you have with this whole thing because things will eventually improve.


If anyone has issues at your school, get in touch with someone who can help you out; try not to get bogged down.

[Arch]

I always answer e-mails that are sent to me before the term starts, as long as they are sent from a campus e-mail address. Even if it's just to say that I got the message but don't have time to respond. And I don't have office hours before the first meeting, so it's unlikely that a student would be able to talk to me and give me a heads up before I use the wrong name in class and embarrass the student all to hell.

If you want to be really sure, cover all the bases. Send e-mails a couple of weeks before the term starts. The week before, put a letter in each prof's mailbox--thanking the ones who responded and reminding the ones who didn't. For the latter, you can put your campus e-mail address in the letter as a contact point, and perhaps request a confirmation. If anyone doesn't get back to you, I suppose you can lurk around outside his or her office, or ask the administrative assistants whether they've seen the prof, but don't expect much.

[mm]

I have always had professors answer me usually in a return email. For the most part they all use my preferred name in class.  Did have one professor the first semester I request my new name be used; she had a hard time remembering it all the time.  All the students in the class were also learning my new name so no big problem for anyone. good luck with your new name.

[KamTheMan]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I go to public community college in conservative orange county. I'm wondering if I can just get my name changed on the role call sheets by going to the administration., I'm going to look into it. I pass so well most of the time yet don't know if I'm trans* or 'butch' so I get tongue tied talking about it. Bringing it up to my profs freaks me out. *sigh*

[Epi]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I go to public community college in conservative orange county. I'm wondering if I can just get my name changed on the role call sheets by going to the administration., I'm going to look into it. I pass so well most of the time yet don't know if I'm trans* or 'butch' so I get tongue tied talking about it. Bringing it up to my profs freaks me out. *sigh*

I am not aware of any current set standards for California's CC or Santa Ana CC regarding administrations ability to put a "preferred name" on the roll sheet.  From my understanding the roll sheet/wait list are automated.  If you're enrolled in the section your full legal name (the name you used to register yourself with) is what will appear on the roll sheet.  Chances are the instructor haven't seen the roll sheet yet and have no idea who is enrolled and who is on the wait list.  If you registered online instead of in person I would go log back into your student webadvisor account and edit your name to your initials if possible.  If that doesn't work I would recommend you e-mail your instructor personally and just tell them directly.  If you have any concerns doing that contact the Dean of Student Services and go through that person.

I always answer e-mails that are sent to me before the term starts, as long as they are sent from a campus e-mail address. Even if it's just to say that I got the message but don't have time to respond.

The community college kids normally do not have campus e-mail, only in a few circumstances do they (Student Senate, campus newspaper, etc) and it's not for their personal use as they are generally recycled.

[Arch]

Kyle, some of the automated systems allow for a preferred name and some don't. If you're lucky, your school has an intelligent system that will accommodate you. If it doesn't, then you might want to alert the Powers That Be so that the next time they upgrade the system, they might actually build in some flexibility. If your campus has any kind of LGBT organization or adviser, work with them on that. (The regular admin people are not likely to be as sympathetic, but you never know.)

I teach at a uni and a community college. I don't know what type of system the uni uses; I suppose I should ask. But I had a trans student last semester and discovered that my CC's system is not flexible with regard to names, so I alerted one of the LGBT advisers that it would be nice to have flexibility--not just for trans students but for other people in unusual circumstances. She was glad that I said something, and she said she would pass along my concerns. Maybe the next upgrade will be different. Apparently, the CC has several trans students, so it wasn't just my student who was affected by the system's inflexibility.

I can understand how scary all of this is, but you won't get what you want if you don't take charge. Write up a sample e-mail and run it by us if you want. A number of people on Susan's have done stuff like that.

BTW, when I called roll on the first day, my trans student stayed silent but came up afterward, when we were alone, and told me what name to use. You can always try this strategy with any prof you haven't heard from.

[Harbor]

I always answer e-mails that are sent to me before the term starts, as long as they are sent from a campus e-mail address. Even if it's just to say that I got the message but don't have time to respond.

What would you suggest putting in the subject line of one of these e-mails? I need to send some e-mails out to my professors and I know it seems like a little thing but I'm afraid they're going to delete it if they don't think it's important.

[Arch]

What would you suggest putting in the subject line of one of these e-mails? I need to send some e-mails out to my professors and I know it seems like a little thing but I'm afraid they're going to delete it if they don't think it's important.

Considering that I am trans myself, I find this a tough question! I'll get to it in a minute. First of all, use the guidelines in this blog. http://mleddy.blogspot.com/2005/01/how-to-e-mail-professor.html. I'll summarize here.

First of all, always use a campus e-mail address.

Use a proper greeting and call the person "Professor Lastname." You'd be surprised how many students e-mail me and don't use a greeting (or a sign-off...in fact, sometimes I have no idea who they are until I look up their campus e-mail address in the Blackboard system).

Put your course name and number in the subject line--English 20, Math 350, Basket Weaving 101. More in a second.

End with "regards" or "sincerely" and your name. I would put the preferred name first and then, underneath that, write "registered as birth name" or something like that. Underneath that, put your full course info, just in case the prof wants it: Basket Weaving 101, section 75011, TTh 3:00-3:50. Leddy asks for the course and time, but I like the section code as well because that's how Blackboard shows the course (not by day/time).

Okay, regarding the specific subject line--you might start a new thread here on Susan's and get feedback from other profs. You must, of course, bear in mind that most profs are not trans and won't even be looking for an e-mail like yours. I keep an eye out now for such students. But I think I'd be happy to see any of the following:

English 19--Clarification about Roster
Math 20--Issue with Registered Name
Basket Weaving 101--Preferred Name
English 15--Preferred Name Request
Math 20--Roster Issue
Basket Weaving 101--Roll Issue
Psych 203--Name Issue

...or whatever, as long as it is fairly specific, serious-looking, correctly spelled, and not demanding. If you put something like "Please Call Me Fred" or "My Name is Really Jane," that might work as well, but it might look like phishing--or a joke--or a demand. You could also say something like "Trans Student" as part of your line, but a few profs might not even want to open that. Better to impress them with your subject line, greeting, sign-off, and conciseness--and you can't do all of that unless the prof opens the e-mail. So I would go with a more formal, less personal subject line.

But as I said, you might see what other profs here advise.

[Harbor]

Thanks for the advice Arch, I want it to sound as formal as possible as this is for grad school.

[KamTheMan]

Hey guys, so I'm trying to email my profs right now and am having trouble. This is what I have so far:

Professor [**],
I am registered as [Birth Name] in your [Class] class on [Days] from [time] to [time]. I am sending this message to let you know that I prefer to go by a shortened version of my name, "[Name]."
Sincerely,
[Birth First] "[Preferred"] [Birth Last]



I don't know if I'm trans* yet so I don't know if I want to declare that in an email, but I obviously don't want to explain my complicated current genderqueer identity. I could say something like, "The reason for which will be more obvious once you meet me." That sounds kind of weird though right? I just don't know! Help please? :/