Meeting a guys family...

[Julie Wilson]

In this case, a lot of bad things can happen which is why I suggested she talk this over with her therapist. (BTW short term, I would say not to worry but some kind of conversation needs to take place with her and her beau about what would happen if she were "found out.") Would the mom take that to mean her son is gay? Would she think that her grandkids potential stepmom is a "transvestite?" I notice that Pretty Soldier's byline is Philadelphia, a fairly liberal place...so hopefully these attitudes will not surface. But she is obviously emotionally invested in this guy. I do not want to see her hurt.

Mmmmm...  Perhaps a discussion with her boyfriend is in order.  I would certainly talk to him about what I would be comfortable with other people knowing.

I find that these kind of things tend to be more worrisome and scary in our imaginations than in real life.  Sometimes the only thing we have to fear is fear.   I just wonder if he is rebounding, do guys do that too?

[PrettySoldier]

I thought she was still presenting as male and everyone was aware of her situation? I'm so confusado ><

No, I don't present as male. I am perceived as female by most but I still have my insecurities with passing. I've not been on hormones that long & there is my adams apple too. His mother sat right next to me on the couch, I spent the entire time with my face in my phone in fear she'd notice.


Thanks to everyone for their input, there is much I am going to think about. Most importantly, I'm going to talk it out with him. I just really want him to be aware of the obstacles we could face by being together. IE. His ex & him have a volatile relationship & what if she were to find out & tell everyone in hopes it will create problems for him?  I do not want him being treated bad by anyone else were they to find out I was trans. But he really, truly could just not care whatsoever about what others would think & since being with him that is the impression I got.

[Carol2000]

@CarolineM: WOW, you went into the relationship without HIM knowing? That is such a gamble but I'm happy it worked out in your favor. I plan on enjoying it while it lasts for sure. He has said he feels that it isn't necessary for his family or anyone to know the details about me & despite my situation he sees me as female and not a trans-female. But I am open so if someone did ask I wouldn't mind informing them, but whether he approves of this I am not sure.

Hi,

I think you really need to sit down and talk to him. From what you say, his attitude to your situation is very clear; he is cool about you being transgender and sounds as though he has no problem with it. That doesn't necessarily mean he would be happy with you revealing your history to his family or friends should they should ask.

In your avatar you look very pretty and feminine and are probably in the early stages of transition and there is a real probability that you might enjoy the attention that revealing your history brings. Be warned, once people know (especially if you have told them) they will see no problem in telling others.

I asked my husband this morning how he would feel if his family found out about me. He said this: "I have absolutely no idea how they would react or how I would react. I certainly would not be very happy about it."

And this is from a man who is very laid back about most things and after we have known each other for 25 years and been in a relationship for 15 years -- 6 of those married.

So tread carefully. Speak to him.

Hugs

Caroline
x

[Julie Wilson]

Most men feel that their masculinity is something that needs to be protected and defended.  Most men care more about what other men think than what women think, even when the woman is their partner.  There are tons of gay guys who will spend their lives living as "straight" for this very reason.  Their relationship with other men is more important than anything else.  They need to feel "accepted" and they were taught what is acceptable when they were young and they continue to believe what they were taught.  It's a very rare man who honestly doesn't care what other men think of him. 

[justmeinoz]

If your boyfriend is willing to introduce you to his children, then he is saying he trusts you with the most important people in his life.  That is a pretty good starting point I'd say.
Children will respond to honesty and openness, and will follow the lead of their parent, although teenagers can also rebel of course.   
As for the ex, some do actually deserve to be hated. With a vengance!
Hope it goes well.

Karen.

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

Mmmmm...  Perhaps a discussion with her boyfriend is in order.  I would certainly talk to him about what I would be comfortable with other people knowing.

I find that these kind of things tend to be more worrisome and scary in our imaginations than in real life.  Sometimes the only thing we have to fear is fear.   I just wonder if he is rebounding, do guys do that too?

Yes, the guy being "on the rebound" and having such animosity toward his X might be more troublesome. OMG I am dating myself but this is making me feel like "Dear Abby."

No, I don't present as male. I am perceived as female by most but I still have my insecurities with passing. I've not been on hormones that long & there is my adams apple too. His mother sat right next to me on the couch, I spent the entire time with my face in my phone in fear she'd notice.


Thanks to everyone for their input, there is much I am going to think about. Most importantly, I'm going to talk it out with him. I just really want him to be aware of the obstacles we could face by being together. IE. His ex & him have a volatile relationship & what if she were to find out & tell everyone in hopes it will create problems for him?  I do not want him being treated bad by anyone else were they to find out I was trans. But he really, truly could just not care whatsoever about what others would think & since being with him that is the impression I got.

Even though you look very pretty and "passable" in your avatar, because of your insecurities, your short time on HRT, and your short time living in the role, it may well be that mom has already "figured you out" or at least suspects something. If not, it is highly likely that she will figure it out...not because of your not being "passable" but mainly because of your insecurities and lack of time living in the role.

I am also going to disagree with those who say this is the "man of your dreams." He may well turn out to be so but I doubt it but not because of him but because of you. After you have been on HRT for years and have SRS, develop complete confidence in your role as a woman, your entire outlook will change. You will have your pick of hundreds of men.  (you look hot now, I can only imagine how hot you will be years a few years from now!)

So I will say, just enjoy the ride but don't stress out or lose your heart over this one guy.

[Kevin Peña]

I am also going to disagree with those who say this is the "man of your dreams." He may well turn out to be so but I doubt it but not because of him but because of you. After you have been on HRT for years and have SRS, develop complete confidence in your role as a woman, your entire outlook will change. You will have your pick of hundreds of men.  (you look hot now, I can only imagine how hot you will be years a few years from now!)

So I will say, just enjoy the ride but don't stress out or lose your heart over this one guy.

Once again, you make a good point. I don't think anyone here was saying to place all bets on this guy. We just think you shouldn't throw anything away before you have all of the details figured out. If things don't work out, remember that you have a lifetime to find someone else out of the many good guys out there.

[Shantel]

I'm just scared of how his family will react. I have no problem at all with his family knowing my situation. I'm just scared they wouldn't be okay with it & I wouldn't want them thinking less of him because he's with me & they don't approve. & I don't know if trying to pass as a cisgirl is even plausible. I can't deal with this awkward situations, I get incredible anxiety & can barely speak so I can't be confident enough to act like nothing is up.

What is truly remarkable here is your concern for his personal wellbeing and  the fear that his image might somehow become besmirched by his relationship with you. That unselfish attitude is rare in the TG world and I commend you for that because it makes you all the more attractive to a man who loves the nurturing of a woman. Go for it, you deserve a life! It will work just because you have the heart and soul of a real woman!

[JennX]

Prettysoldier, your pretty
Be yourself and GO FOR IT!

This. Talk it over with your BF first, and just do it.

I've been there and it is weird at first, as I'm definitely not the "mother-type" LOL!!!! Far from it actually. But it does show the guy cares about you and trusts you. These are the most important things in a relationship.

Good luck.   

[Julie Wilson]

I am also going to disagree with those who say this is the "man of your dreams." He may well turn out to be so but I doubt it but not because of him but because of you. After you have been on HRT for years and have SRS, develop complete confidence in your role as a woman, your entire outlook will change. You will have your pick of hundreds of men.  (you look hot now, I can only imagine how hot you will be years a few years from now!)

So I will say, just enjoy the ride but don't stress out or lose your heart over this one guy.

Very well stated by someone who has had the experiences to back it up.