It's been quite some time since I posted, but have I been busy. So lets get up to speed.
I am on my path to transition! I have a great therapist, tons of support, and my E. letter. I'm waiting for my primary care doc to review said letter and refer me to an endo. God I hope that happens soon. It should have happened last week but both sides are "waiting" to hear from the other. Grrrr.
In the past few months I have come out to (as in full transition) my wife (who has know for over a year), my daughter (12), my best friends, my neighbor, some classmates, and my mom. Oh and all of Facebook.
On the whole all responses (public and private) have been positive. I will first say that I am so happy to have such amazing people in my life. It is just indescribable. My CHOSEN family supports me completely. My wife and daughter are my biggest advocates. I had one cousin make a negative comment on Facebook but she deleted it (thank you email notification, or I would've missed it), and an aunt. This aunt has seen me 3 times in my whole life, the most recent of which was more than 20 years ago, she felt the need to talk about my "choice" in "lifestyle" ,how I was "broken", and that I should talk to my father (yeah right) and a pastor. I told her essentially that she has made a huge number of assumptions about me and that she could pray for me, condemn me, or support me the choice is hers.
Then there is my mother..........
Our relationship is strained and has been for years so this isn't really surprising. I tell her I'm trans and I will be transitioning soon. In one breath she tells me "she will love me no matter what" and then talks about how this is now number one on the list of things my child has done to hurt me (in a deliberate sense). Bringing up none related issues from almost 14 years ago to avoid the subject. Only to end the conversation prematurely by saying "be a man" and hanging up on me. Which in turn spurned me to thank her via text for showing me how much she "loves" me and how this is the reason it is hard to believe her.
Heavy stuff I know. What is her response? Is her granddaughter OK? and "Did Alaska do this to you?"
Holy crap Denial. Yes mom, there is something in the water and we're all transgender here. Wtf?
This woman never ceases to amaze me. Even when things like this are expected. She has invalidated me my whole life. I'm not sure if it's because she resents having me (since she was young when it happened) or if she see too much of my father(who was abusive) in me. Then there is always some contest regarding my affection toward her or my father, never mind the fact that my relationship with her is miles above the one I have with my father.
There is one thing for certain, I'm reminded why I replaced blood family members with chosen (and surrogate) friends/family. I'm also reminded that even though that's the case it still hurts.
That part turned out to be more of a rant than I intended. Oops. On to some more positive things.
My daughter has chosen babbo (Italian for dad) as the term to replace daddy and will start using right away.
The most treasured people in my life accept me for who I am.
I'm on the fence about coming out at school this semester (which starts tomorrow). I know that there will be an awkward stage of transition and I kinda just want to get that part over with. I want to be referred to as Sarah at school even if I don't present fully female (somewhere in between). Then there is the bathroom issue in terms of which to use when not presenting fully male or fully female. Ugh so many things to consider boobs/no boobs, makeup/no makeup, male clothes/female clothes/mixed, bathroom. None of that even takes into consideration students/faculty reactions (in my belief system I create my reality and I choose to have a positive experience overall).
I have been trying to loose weight too. I haven't been able to get lower than 212lbs. ---- until today!!! Yay!
I have been carrying so much for so long that coming out has made me feel like my burden is several boulders lighter.
Well if you made it this far then..........I hug thee! I mostly just need to get this out and I know many of you understand.
Thanks,
Sarah ;p
