I'm going to share something with you now that I've never really spoken about here.
When she was alive, my mother was much the same as yours. Not in the religious aspect but in the way she would alternate between being loving and caring, and being a grade A, industrial strength hurtful "psycho", as you put it.
It took me a long, long time to figure out why. And the answer, it turned out, was that it was nothing to do with me as a person. It was a loss of control. She only flipped out when I did things in my life that she had no control over. That meant I didn't need her anymore. And she hated that. She hated me standing on my own two feet and making my own decisions. So she would try to undermine my confidence, to put doubts in my mind, with the hopes that I would give up and come running back to mommy, admitting that I couldn't cope by myself. She knew the things I feared, and played to them. Saying all kinds of hurtful things because she knew that already, at the back of my mind, I was struggling with them, and it was easy to amplify these things and make me lose my confidence.
A lot of times it worked. And I did give up. I thought all the things she said were true and that I did need her because if I tried to strike out on my own, it would never amount to anything. But then, one day, I sat and thought about it, and the penny dropped, so to speak. She was only loving while she had control over me. While she was telling me what was best for me and what I should and shouldn't be doing. It made her feel powerful, and needed.
But you know, once I realised that, I also realised that I was the one giving her that power over me and that control by believing what she was saying, and thinking that every time she flipped out and turned into Ms Hyde, it was my fault and I deserved it. And above all, because what I thought what she was saying was true when all along it was just a desperate attempt to make me feel so deflated and meek that I would never have the bottle to attempt things for myself and would always need her.
...
I think your mom knows what you're afraid of, and is scared of losing control over you. So she's playing on them to get you to give up. It's not about you, Shawn, or whether what you're doing is right or wrong. I think it's more the possibility that you're making these choices for yourself. That you're standing on your own without her.
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on September 01, 2012, 05:58:13 PM
So many good things were happening to get me here to San Francisco and now I just feel so defeated.
That, perhaps, was the intent all along.
Don't give her that power over you, Shawn. You are the one who has control over your life now, and your decisions. Words can only hurt you if you think they're true, and if you believe the person saying them. Believe in yourself, and how far you've come. That is far more testament to who you are than something said by a scared person who isn't willing to let you go.
*big hugs*
