Feeling Lost

[Rynhart]

I apologize if I'm posting in the wrong board, and for my inevitable rambling.

I don't even know where to begin. Anxiety, depression... these words just make me sound like I'm being melodramatic and trying too hard to self-diagnose, when I suppose all that I know for sure is that I feel 'wrong'. I have no life changing event to analyze, as my childhood rape was way too long ago, and my failed engagement was too recent. Part of me says that a healthy, male, Caucasian, only-child born and raised in a first world country should recognize his privilege and has no right to feel like the universe is unfair. Granted, I think I got that part of me from my parents.

Uncomfortable is the closest thing to an accurate description of my 'condition'. A rather benign definition, but it's constantly there during my waking hours. Sure, I get anxious when in close proximity to someone other than my closest friends, and crowds will make me lock down in a heartbeat, but I at least understand that (only child, moved constantly until high school, little things here and there) - and it feels different. This persistent discomfort doesn't just make me feel wrong, it's like I am wrong. Lost. Misplaced. A freak.

So... I'm constantly uncomfortable, have an over-sized personal bubble, cry randomly whether I'm alone or not, and feel like everything I used to enjoy is now nothing more than a distraction. And I'm not sure what there is left for me to find enjoyment in. Something artistic would be my speed, but nothing seems to inspire. I've never been competitive, and honestly, don't think I ever want to be - I don't give a damn what team won the gold sports trophy. I still love music, but I need something to -do-.

And now, on top of all that, I'm finding a lot of memories resurfacing or noticing trends I never paid attention to. Every close friend I had growing up was a girl, and as an adult, the only friends I really connect with are women. Every male I've ever met has either repulsed or eventually betrayed me. Hell, most of the male stereotypes, all over the scale of credibility, make me sick to my stomach. Then I started to notice that when I was "checking out" women, it was more out of aesthetic appreciation, or even envy, than anything lustful. And possibly at the same time, I realized that my male qualities (equal parts mental, physical, and social) grossed me out. And then there are the dreams I've had my entire life...

Does this mean I'm transgender? I don't know. I could just subconsciously be grasping at straws, desperate for an explanation. But why would I pick that specific answer? Again, I don't know. I'm just tired of feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Rita]

Being "transgender" is more than that.  But its definitely worth investigating if you truly feel that you are a woman.

My real concern is your self therapy, I think you need to speak with someone and work out your feelings first.  I don't mean issues with your gender only, I mean everything.  Perhaps hanging around the forums may help you self medicate* yourself but your mind seems to be all over the place and I wouldn't want you to get hurt!

After you work that out, and you still feel like you were born a woman than the decision is up to YOU whether you are or not.  One is not told their gender, they are born with their gender identity ingrained into their brain.  Hang out with us on the forum, live what you believe may be your true gender and try to have fun    there is no rush.





*Self Medicate, work out your feelings without professional help

[Rynhart]

I meant no offense or disrespect with the supposed "signs" of gender confusion.  To be honest, I:
1.  Am by no means an expert or have any illusions that I know anything.
2.  Have more thoughts and experiences that brought light upon this possibility.
3.  Typed out this post as fast as I could before I could chicken out and scrap it 

I know that I -should- seek professional help, and make no allusions to any bias or uneducated self-diagnosis.  I'm still waiting for the right time to do so... whether that's true or just my cowardice, I don't know for sure.

[Rita]

I meant no offense or disrespect with the supposed "signs" of gender confusion.  To be honest, I:
1.  Am by no means an expert or have any illusions that I know anything.
2.  Have more thoughts and experiences that brought light upon this possibility.
3.  Typed out this post as fast as I could before I could chicken out and scrap it 

I know that I -should- seek professional help, and make no allusions to any bias or uneducated self-diagnosis.  I'm still waiting for the right time to do so... whether that's true or just my cowardice, I don't know for sure.

Silly person x3, you did not offend anyone especially not me. 

The gist of the situation is no one can answer that question for you.  Its just a journey you will have to take, one that we all have.  But we are all here to help best we can.  You took a brave first step!

[Rena-san]

Why don't you try to do something about it? Writing and talking, and thinking--which I would recommend avoiding sometimes--are no where close to actions that can actually determine who you are. Do you want to embrace a feminine side? Then go out and try some things that you have always associated with women. After you do them then you can think about what you have done and determine if it made you happy or not.

Go try on a dress or something. See the qote that appears at the bottom of my posts? Yeah Jesus said that, and you know he was right. Sometimes finding out something about yourself is scary and can cause a lot of pain, but you know what can cause more pain, never taking the the time to find yourself.

[Rynhart]

Please don't mistake me for being on a high horse or anything,  but every time I've considered doing anything clothing related, I end up reprimanding myself for being shallow and possibly patronizing - "clothes are just clothes" etc.  Granted, it's possible I'm just being a coward again and looking for excuses to not do anything.  I've done some high-level grooming, but I'm not sure if that's technically feminine.

At the expense of possibly sounding hokey, I think what I envy the most about women are their friendships.  The bonds they form with each other seem so intimate and natural.  Like they actually care, y'know?  And... I have no idea how to achieve that with my friends.

**And I apologize to the person who sent me a private message.  It appears I do not yet have clearance? to reply.

[suzifrommd]

At the expense of possibly sounding hokey, I think what I envy the most about women are their friendships.  The bonds they form with each other seem so intimate and natural.  Like they actually care, y'know?  And... I have no idea how to achieve that with my friends.

Rynhart, this is EXACTLY how I feel.

[PrincessLeiah]

The thing about the idea that expressing yourself through the way you dress is somehow "trivial" is that that idea itself is one manifestation of patriarchy, I.e. the trivialization of spheres of life traditionally encoded as feminine. Absolutely, femininity is much bigger than what you wear, but liking the way you look is one step toward feeling comfortable in your skin, and that's no trivial thing.

Friendships are important too, of course, but I know from experience that before i could start to build the kind of close relationships i was longing for, I had to start by learning to come out of my shell and accept myself for who I was--and not consign important parts of myself to the trash bin because they were "silly" or "not important."

[Rynhart]

... but liking the way you look is one step toward feeling comfortable in your skin, and that's no trivial thing.

I guess I never thought about it like that before... thanks for the insight!

[Christine]

I would highly recommend seeing a qualified gender therapist and getting any depression/anxiety under control before doing anything. I am not saying you need these things but after being in this boat for decades I know depression and anxiety are rampant.  I certainly needed them. I would guess that most of us with GID etc have needed medication and/or therapy before finally arriving at a comfortable place. Just a guess and no offense to anyone. Just trying to help. Until these things are under control any self diagnosis simply wont produce accurate results in my opinion.

Be wary of labels because you might find yourselp interpreting thoughts and actions to fit a label or catagory. Thats a mistake and can lead you down incorrect paths for your situation. You are a unique and complicated person. Your path may not fit into a box. and always be true to yourself.

[Rynhart]

I really do want to see a professional for help.  Mainly because I feel like what's more important than having answers, is having the right questions.  Believe it or not, I don't like the idea of taking medication for... well... just about anything really.  But if that's what it takes, that's what I'll do.

And while I understand how dangerous labels can be, especially with the possibility of leading yourself in the wrong direction, they seem hard to avoid when you're desperate to be defined.

[justmeinoz]

Sounds like you are on the right path, by seeing it as a matter of finding the right questions.
I found that just buying a skirt and a wig,  and wearing them at home for a while was an interesting experiment in self identity.  I did it in a deliberate fashion to see what I felt, and did notice that I was more comfortable than I expected.

There is no one right way to transition, and what you have done so far may be as far as you ever go.  Some people are comfortable knowing who they are and live their lives in an unchanged body. 
I have a BFF who is extremely Butch and would like to be rid of her breasts. (I offered to take them  ) but does not see herself as trans in any way.  She regards herself as Genderqueer, and i have found a comfortable spot in the Queer community myself. Bodily form is regarded as irrelevant there. 
Is there a Queer community where you live? That might be a good place to look for supporting friendships as you work out what path you may take.

The whole process is actually quite straightforward, but requires us to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves.  Once we do that, the rest is a matter of deciding what is neccessary in each situation, or advisable given our existing circumstances at the time.  ( Managed to get Existentialism in!)

Whatever works for you is all good.

Karen.

[Rynhart]

Is there a Queer community where you live? That might be a good place to look for supporting friendships as you work out what path you may take.

Not really, no.  Without being too specific... the most common "color" worn around here is hunting camo.

I finally scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I live in a small town, so it's just a "general" psychiatrist, but maybe that's for the best?  No reason to complain about the lack of rain if you might not even have seeds planted?  That... probably doesn't even make sense.  I just want some help finding answers, even if that means I've got the wrong questions in mind.  But... I don't know.  Part of me still really wants to at least mention that I'm having gender-related questions, even if I'm terrified of doing so.

[Rita]

Not really, no.  Without being too specific... the most common "color" worn around here is hunting camo.

I finally scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I live in a small town, so it's just a "general" psychiatrist, but maybe that's for the best?  No reason to complain about the lack of rain if you might not even have seeds planted?  That... probably doesn't even make sense.  I just want some help finding answers, even if that means I've got the wrong questions in mind.  But... I don't know.  Part of me still really wants to at least mention that I'm having gender-related questions, even if I'm terrified of doing so.

I would ignore the gender questions for now to be honest with ya.  Its something that you can work in a little later~ But I believe there is much more to discuss the first few times that are as important if not more.

[Rynhart]

So... long time no post, and quite a bit has happened.

Psychiatrist I saw was a waste of time.  He was really impersonal, and it felt like he was reading from a script.  But, two good things came from that.  First, I was so frustrated from the experience that I more or less broke down and confided in my parents.  About everything.  And... they were surprisingly accepting and supportive.

Secondly, the psychiatrist did reference me to a local therapist.  She normally handles general familial issues, but she's been amazing.  We clicked right away, and a few sessions later, I've got more hope for the future, and more on-topic I suppose, I know *who* I want to be and *why*.  Which is great...

Until I start focusing on reality.  I really hate to sound vain, but when I start looking at myself and considering all the things I want to change... and the things I can't change... I start feeling really overwhelmed.
(incoming terrible lo-res phone pic)


Like... just a few hours ago I was at a traffic light, and started to tear up a bit when I looked at my hands on the steering wheel and compared them to those of the woman in the next lane.  Even with all the progress I've made with my therapist, lately I've been feeling like I should just keep wearing the mask and pray for something more comfortable in the next life.

[spacial]

Part of me says that a healthy, male, Caucasian, only-child born and raised in a first world country should recognize his privilege and has no right to feel like the universe is unfair. Granted, I think I got that part of me from my parents.

Lovely isn't it? 

One of the more common guilt neuroses our parent and pass down to us. Bless them!

Just mentioning it to let you know you're not alone on that one either!