This may be low hormones and post-injection emotions, but. I realized tonight just how blessed I am. I screwed up my last shot, which was honestly really distressing. I had just gotten over my fear and then I hit a vein, and it hurt more than I expected...and the shot before that, almost all the oil leaked out because I pulled the needle out too quick. I cried a lot because it just makes being trans so much worse when it seems like you can't even get the medicine you need inside you properly. and not passing after my time on T just adds insult to all of that injury too.
But just now my friend helped me do my injection. And even though rationally I knew I wouldn't repeat the bad experience, my body thought different. I was shaking, sweating, and afraid. It took 10 minutes to set everything up, 35 to do the actual injection. I finally relaxed enough to let her do it. And she did it perfectly...not a single drop of oil leaked out, no pain.
My point is, right now I feel so unconditionally loved. How many people would sit there with me in the bathroom, as I'm trembling, sweating, and close to tears, for 35 minutes? it's also so dysphoria inducing but I knew she had nothing but compassion for me the entire time, never thought less of me for it, never thought of me as any less of a man just because of this. It just really drove it home for me that someone cares for me that much, and bah...I'd cry if the tears wanted to come lol.
And knowing that I can be loved even when I am doing something that is keeping my "demons" at bay (dysphoria, GID), somehow it tells me that I am just OK. Nothing is wrong with me for being trans. It was just such a "human" moment.
