The past two days I've felt really depressed. I was already pretty sad from leaving Indiana, but, for the first week or whatever it was I just kind of went about in a haze. Now, the reality of actually being here has set in. It wasn't just the fact that I was with Keaira that made Indiana nice. It was the fact that I didn't have to carry all the baggage of my past life.
There's the trans stuff, of course, like the fact that I am still being called "she" by my family despite the fact that I don't look like a girl anymore. I've been patient, and they have come a long way, so for a while I was willing to put up with female pronouns. But now, it's getting to be a bit much. And I consider saying something, but then again, I just end up feeling like an outcast. Like the "angry transsexual", having to constantly other myself instead of being able to enjoy a situation. That didn't happen in Indiana. I was misgendered once, at the shooting range - and that might have been a slip of the tongue, actually. But everyone treated me as unquestionably male, and for the first time in my life, I felt normal. I felt like I could just go about my life without gender having to be an uncomfortable issue. And when I did have dysphoria, I had Keaira, who understands that, and who was there for me and made me feel better because she knows how it is.
But the past two days I have also been reminded of some other stuff that's gone down other than trans stuff. Thinking about how I am the only person who is excited about my Master's degree. And I'm not even that excited about it because I HATE my thesis. My brother is able to do all these exciting things like travel, because he isn't going to university. Giving him both money and time. My thesis is boring by comparison and people think I am lazy, despite the fact that I was working full time to graduate debt-free, and taking the maximum load of classes year-round. No summers off for me, I was constantly taking the full load of courses so I could push through. But no. I'm the lazy one. Or that's how they make me feel.
I'm sick of feeling constantly othered. I am sick of feeling like the one who isn't good enough. The only reason my brother being gay isn't a big issue is because I lived with being told I was going to end up an AIDS-ridden prostitute at the homeless shelter, with no future, until my family realized that being gay is not a choice and that life goes on. Now being gay is normal, being trans is not, in their eyes.
I just want to stop feeling like garbage. My brother said he could get me a job at the bank, which is guaranteed full-time...I'd hate the job, and part of me wants to not get it and find something I can be excited about, but it would be a great way to stack the cash I need until my Master's is done. And i am thinking, as soon as I defend my thesis and get my title, I am going to move somewhere else and get a job with my shiny new degree. Here, I am the trans one. I am the one who isn't doing anything worthwhile. I'm the one who got fat. No wonder i am so bloody miserable. No one can ever focus on my good qualities, or the good things i have done. It's always the bad things that people care about.
