Quote from: Sara of the River Rhine on June 27, 2013, 01:49:06 PM
Hate all the confusion. This one moment i am very sure and this next i am confused. Yet i am afraid of never being a girl body-wise. And somehow i am sometimes afraid of feminine things (and ashamed thinking about them) and then suddenly i want them.
If i don't get help i will off myself.
Edit:
And every day i feel like i'm playing a role, acting like nothing's up. I'm so confused and yet it is clear. Everything seems hopeless at times courtesy of Confusion Inc. My feelings are heavy enough to prevent me from writing a single sentence and to give me anxiety attacks. I know i should just relax and think about this in the quiet, but somehow i can't since i so desperately want to be female body-wise, yet have quite a few contradictions and my mind is confusing me too at times.
I guess like Frank Zappa once said "the torture never stops"
Have you considered whether you may be perseverating about your gender issues? Not that I blame you for doing so... but as an Aspie, the more you concentrate on a particular issue, the more intense it gets until eventually you get to the point where you can't stand it. Do you have any tools you can use to break yourself out of the perseveration cycle? That could help you relax and bring your anxiety levels down, so that you can think a bit more clearly. I know you had a shaky moment with your Asperger's therapist a couple of days ago... but is there some way he can help you with your perseveration?
(For anyone unfamiliar with the autism spectrum, 'perseveration' is a type of hyper-focussing on a particular issue until it becomes all-encompassing. It's something that is quite common in people with Asperger's)
Oh, and by the way... practically every single trans* person on this planet has gone through stages where everything seems crystal clear, then everything seems confusing and frightening. It's also true that for many of us, there are a couple of things associated with our birth sex that we actually enjoy (for example, I enjoy painting my nails), which can lead to us feeling confused about whether we're doing the right thing. That's perfectly normal. In fact, it's
encouraging, because it means you're giving this the serious thought it requires.