Pre-transition, did merely crossdressing cause you depression?

[Firecat]

You can also shape your eyebrows without going ultra femme-y and try to make whatever facial hair shadow you have invisible. And make sure you have a really good skin care regime. Messy skin is a very male cue.

FYI, if you take that look out in public you are going to look gay. It may be a toss-up whether you look guy gay or girl gay (especially after you start hormones). But people are going to see some kind of gay. You need to be okay with that or already used to it.

My skin is pretty messy... not super acne ridden, but open pores, skin is sensitive and red in some areas, blackheads on the nose, that sort of thing. I've been trying out various different products like pore declogging strips and Clean and Clear acne wash, but these really haven't evened out my complexion any.

Also, looking gay is something I actually fear... its a complete misrepresentation of how I feel inside, and I wish there was a way around this.

[Apples Mk.II]

My skin is pretty messy... not super acne ridden, but open pores, skin is sensitive and red in some areas, blackheads on the nose, that sort of thing. I've been trying out various different products like pore declogging strips and Clean and Clear acne wash, but these really haven't evened out my complexion any.

Sme here. I gave up on eyeshadow because I have an excessive brow ridge and my skin is so oily and saggy that nothing will stick to it, but the concealer is quite welcome in giving me a more uniform skin tone. At this moment I plan on getting a nice and professional facial cleaning. I was already the laughing stock in High School thanks to my clogged nose pores, and now I am hellbent into unclogging them, 15 years later. Also, getting an eyebrow waxing in the same place. Small things that can ease a bit the dysphoria.

Also, looking gay is something I actually fear... its a complete misrepresentation of how I feel inside, and I wish there was a way around this.

Honestly, I don't care a lot on this. Maybe because I am bi, or I already have gay friends. I'd rather sport a gay look than a manly one.

[barbie]

For fair face, I consider laser treatment later when I look >50 years old.

I know and accept that I am both man and woman. All of my clothes are women's except a few formal men's dresses I have to wear once or twice per year. I admit and understand very well that I cannot be a woman by all means during this life time. It is my destiny.

I just enjoy the 'between' state. I also felt the hollowness when going out alone in full dress. However, after I began to meet my friends and colleagues while wearing skirt, heels, and lipstick, I no longer felt such hollowness. Some of them commente that I look prettier than women at my age. Female friends envied and admired my body shape.

But I can not be a woman, even after SRS. I believe I am lucky as I can experience and enjoy both men's and women's world. I enter both men's and women's restroom.

I love my kids, and they know who I am, although my little daugter scolds my wearing skirt.

Barbie~~

[Seras]

I used to really hate it.
But since I got myself some makeup and learned to not totally fail in putting it on I am happier with the result. Then when I get my hair right so it frames my face nicely as well...

I can almost see how I could be

Still got a lot of work to do though.

PS I have really bad skin too. Oily, red and random breakouts even though I am like 24. This is why I gotta get those face paintin skills 

[eli77]

My skin is pretty messy... not super acne ridden, but open pores, skin is sensitive and red in some areas, blackheads on the nose, that sort of thing. I've been trying out various different products like pore declogging strips and Clean and Clear acne wash, but these really haven't evened out my complexion any.

Also, looking gay is something I actually fear... its a complete misrepresentation of how I feel inside, and I wish there was a way around this.

*Shrug* People thought I was a gay boy since I was 10, and I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in men. You get used to it. And honestly, in some ways it was better than being seen as straight - you get a bit more flex in what is considered normative. When I came out it became a kind of running joke - at least they got the gay part right, it was just the boy part that was wrong.

For your skin, you may be over cleaning if it's red and sensitive. Acne washes can be pretty harsh on the skin (and pore declogging strips are just garbage, they'll damage your pores). I'd suggest going to just a gentle cleanser and a good moisturizer to repair your skin (nothing scented - I use CeraVe for my cleanser and evening moisturizer). Just exfoliate gently with a damp cloth 2-3 times a week (or get a chemical exfoliator - derma e has a good one). And always, always moisturize after cleansing. The biggest cause of clogged pores is your body pumping oil back to the skin since you just took it all away. That won't happen if you moisturize. And no soap on your face! And always use a moisturizer with an SPF for day time! (Cetaphil Daily SPF 15 is good or Kiss My Face, Face + Neck SPF 30.)

[barbie]

PS I have really bad skin too. Oily, red and random breakouts even though I am like 24. This is why I gotta get those face paintin skills 

Me, too. I would recommend wiping with skin toner and cottage every day.
Also, masage face with ice cubes everday or after sweating.

Barbie~~

[Firecat]

*Shrug* People thought I was a gay boy since I was 10, and I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in men. You get used to it. And honestly, in some ways it was better than being seen as straight - you get a bit more flex in what is considered normative. When I came out it became a kind of running joke - at least they got the gay part right, it was just the boy part that was wrong.

I dunno, I was called gay all through highschool, its just what the kids did. I was often tormented by a lot of people, and eventually came to believe it myself.  Come to later find out, I'm not gay for boys, I'm gay for girls, and that has really been my most recent discovery. Truth be told, men intimidate and scare the hell out of me.

I know I could never be female by any child bearing standpoint (Thankfully, I've vowed never to have children anyways), but my dream is really to be as close to female as I can, and try to pretend I was never male at all... that's really all I can do and say.

[Cindy]

Firecat and everyone, it is totally normal to have doubts. It is one of the major areas that Therapists explore. And even being totally honest with your self it is very difficult to know if yoy have a fetish or a desire to be yourself. And BTW there is nothing wrong with either.

As for the GID on seeing other woman, I think my worse attack was when I went to a DJ store, sort of equivalent to PC Penny (?)  in the USA. Most of the woman who were serving wore black minis, white tops, black hose and low heels. I nearly cried with frustration. It hit like a tsunami, the depression the regret the horror the desire to die to hide to run to just collapse in sobs and wail. How could people go to work and just be themselves? I wasn't turned on by the woman, I WAS TOTALLY GREEN MONSTER JEALOUS.

In retrospect it changed me. A long time for the worse. But it also made me determined to be me.

But I'm now FT and I walk into work as the woman I am and dress in whatever I like. I feel good. I don't get turned on by what I'm wearing, but I'm happy. I can even tell another woman that what she is wearing is cute, and I receive comments as well.

You will get there, it takes time and patience, and when the time comes you will know.

Cindy

[Firecat]

Oh I believe its both fetish and deep down desire, I'm just concerned as to whether the fetish is making everything seem much more glamorous than what it is. I suspect not, as after about a week without indulging myself, and having very little in the way of male arousal, I feel calm and relaxed actually... my mind is a lot more clear, and yet even still, that desire is there, it never goes away... not when I'm happy, depressed... turned on or off. Not even when I'm scared. Sure I'll come to doubt myself, but my mind always comes full circle, but never does my desire to be female go away.

Its the strangest thing though, I've sought refuge in massively multiplayer online roleplaying games like EverQuest, final fantasy online, World of warcraft... you name it. Always the female character, and almost never human.  I've found myself akin to the furry community, having this fascination with characterizing myself as not only the opposite sex, but something other than human entirely.  Heck, there have been times where I've stopped and wished I could be some of my favorite cartoon, book, or video game characters... and I mean deeply.    But never in my life have I ever wanted to be this male I have been forced to be (at least, not in the last 10-11 years since puberty I should say), I've sought a way out.

However. Ever since having started coming to terms with my intense desire to be female, I haven't found much need to play those games anymore, and I don't find myself desiring to be anything other than human... I just seek once and for all, my place in life. My means of acceptance in reality, and to become who I should be.

I don't know if I'm grasping at straws or not... I'm currently in a waiting period in switching therapists; my last one wasn't very helpful at all.

[Violet Bloom]

  I was never huge into computer/video games but I was always drawn to the female characters.  I also found I had a lot in common with the furry community and while I'll always have some tie to it I realised it was more a 'stepping stone' in reaching an understanding of myself.  (Experiencing the social atmosphere at a couple of major conventions also quite firmly killed any remaining worry that I might have a seriously repressed desire for men - I am also 'gay for girls'.)

  Cindy reminded me of another frustrating experience.  I've always wanted to be able to be friends with girls and be able to freely compliment them on their appearance.  For the most part this was simply not possible because they cannot trust that as a man you don't have sexual intentions towards them or you just come across as gay.  At the same time, in combination with my extreme shyness and social anxiety, this warped into never flirting or giving compliments when I actually did like someone for more than a friend.  I also found that trying to be more social and trying to be more expressive with my appearance always resulted in me being assumed to be gay because it brought out a femmeness.

[Apples Mk.II]

  I was never huge into computer/video games but I was always drawn to the female characters.

In my case, I was drawn to "female characters that looked and acted like real female characters instead of oversexualized stereotypes for men". Compare Alyx from Half Life 2 to Ivy from Soul Calibur  (bigger boobs, less clothing on each game).

With role playing games and things like that, I would always create a female character, until it felt really weird and went back to male characters. Quite boring.

[Firecat]

Even though she was nothing but a tiny 2D green sprite, Rydia from Final Fantasy 4 was my original gaming character obsession. I don't know what it was about her, I was 5 when I first saw her, but I fell in love. I'd try to play as her when it came to games of pretend with my friends   She always used a whip so there I was like a 5-7 year old running around with a piece of vine from the school yard trying to whip things.  And then there was Samus who has always been one of my biggest gaming heroes of all time. Both of whom have become hyper-sexualized in the modern era... though I've always wished I could cosplay as Rydia at a convention, gods do I have a thing for green hair. Too bad I don't have the face for it.

[Carlita]

Try writing fiction! ... For me it's such an escape writing my female characters because I see the world through their eyes and live out their experiences in my mind.

As for cross-dressing, I've lost count of the number of therapists and other well-meaning people who say, 'Well maybe you'd feel better if you went a way for a few days and dressed as a woman.'

No, I wouldn't ... When I was a kid and could pass going out as a girl was incredibly thrilling, incredibly relaxing, incredibly natural and relaxed ... and then the biggest bummer of all time when i had to go back to being me. Now, I still feel completely natural in a dress, as if that's what i should be wearing .. But when I look in the mirror and see that actual, male figure looking back at me it just highlights the gulf from where I am to where I'd love to be. It's just too painful.

So the answer to the question in the OP is ... Yes!

[Stephe]

Oh I believe its both fetish and deep down desire, I'm just concerned as to whether the fetish is making everything seem much more glamorous than what it is. I suspect not, as after about a week without indulging myself, and having very little in the way of male arousal, I feel calm and relaxed actually... my mind is a lot more clear, and yet even still, that desire is there, it never goes away... not when I'm happy, depressed... turned on or off. Not even when I'm scared. Sure I'll come to doubt myself, but my mind always comes full circle, but never does my desire to be female go away.

For me, there def is a sexual component to this.

That said, the whole  ->-bleeped-<- thing could only be true if: every female on the planet were not aroused by their own female sex organs being part of having sex. How many women never think about their femaleness during sex? It's part of what was frustrating about all this for me. I only become aroused -during sex- if I can -think- I am female. How is this different from other women? Just the fact I feel I am female isn't what is arousing, but "being male" in a sexual situation just doesn't work for me. I can't be thinking about my guy parts or even feeling them.

And while these feeling to sexual be a female are there, there is an even stronger need to sexually be a woman. I'm not sure you can ever totally separate them to try to figure out "Which is the reason".. I do think AA's such as spiro are a good tool to diagnose this. If you have zero interest to transition after being on them for a couple of months, then maybe the need to transition is based more on a sexual thing rather than a social one? Maybe being full time isn't required then? I don't know but for me being on AA didn't change the need to socially be a woman.

As far as these ups and downs and questioning all this, that is very normal. The hardest part of this for me was when I was living part time on a regular basis. I was a fem guy at work and a woman everywhere else. The switching back and forth was really tough to deal with. I can't ever say I was truly depressed but this part of my life was pretty rough to get through.

It is a HUGE leap of faith to change to the other gender and honestly, I can't say I was 100% sure this would solve these problems but now that I have, I can say 100% that it did.

[Firecat]

Try writing fiction! ... For me it's such an escape writing my female characters because I see the world through their eyes and live out their experiences in my mind.

I do fancy myself a bit of a writer :3  Its been a while since I was in the groove, but its likely my next biggest life goal.

And while these feeling to sexual be a female are there, there is an even stronger need to sexually be a woman. I'm not sure you can ever totally separate them to try to figure out "Which is the reason".. I do think AA's such as spiro are a good tool to diagnose this. If you have zero interest to transition after being on them for a couple of months, then maybe the need to transition is based more on a sexual thing rather than a social one? Maybe being full time isn't required then? I don't know but for me being on AA didn't change the need to socially be a woman.

Are the effects of an AA reversible if said truths come to light?

[Apples Mk.II]

I've always wished I could cosplay as Rydia at a convention, gods do I have a thing for green hair. Too bad I don't have the face for it.

Wait until FFIV: The Afteryears... Worst outfit ever. I grew up reading comics from Francois Bourgeon and Juillard, and all all the protagonists are quite similar: Really strong women breaking with the age's gender roles. Sooner or later I'll have to read Les Passagers du Vent again.

Dunno, I never read normal things... I love bande desinees.

[Ave]

I do fancy myself a bit of a writer :3  Its been a while since I was in the groove, but its likely my next biggest life goal.

Are the effects of an AA reversible if said truths come to light?

AA will do almost nothing in terms of ferminization, maybe a little more fat on your chest and some atypical fat redistribution, but that will all quickly reset once you have T in your body.

Clear, acne-free skin is a good benefit though:P

I'm not sure what spiro's effect on male fertility (or is it virility?) is. I think it wouldn't really leave you sterile even after years of use, but idk.

[Stephe]

Are the effects of an AA reversible if said truths come to light?

AFAIK yes, especially after just a few months of use. A doctor would know for sure and yes >spiro only< will change your outlook on many things after just a few weeks. I was on just spiro for a year and saw some feminizing effect too. I would say after 1 month my "male sex drive" was basically gone + short temper and other T related things.

I think trying AA is a great way to determine if it's totally sexually related or not and you should be able to get on them without a "hormone letter".

[Violet Bloom]

I was so good with Sonya in Mortal Kombat. Blow deadly perfume in your face, and then KILL YOU!

She was certainly one of my all time favs.  I was always horrible at remembering combos so I never did too well with this sort of game though.

[Carlita]

For me, there def is a sexual component to this.

That said, the whole  ->-bleeped-<- thing could only be true if: every female on the planet were not aroused by their own female sex organs being part of having sex. How many women never think about their femaleness during sex? It's part of what was frustrating about all this for me. I only become aroused -during sex- if I can -think- I am female. How is this different from other women? Just the fact I feel I am female isn't what is arousing, but "being male" in a sexual situation just doesn't work for me. I can't be thinking about my guy parts or even feeling them.

Well said! I've only ever fantasized about sex from a female perspective. So, does that mean I only want to be female to feed a sex fantasy? No ... my fantasies arise from a fundamentally female aspect of my personality.

That's why I get depressed, rather than turned on by the fact that my body is still male.