So this morning my wife tells me she's determined that no matter what choice I make (to transition or not), she's realized our marriage was based on lies as I'm obviously not the man she thought I was - and she's going to start drafting up divorce papers. She further went on to say that if I shouldn't go to any of the kids social functions (like open house) because she doesn't want the embarrassment of having to introduce me as her transgendered ex-husband - which she said she would do if I dared to show up. Can't have someone possibly think she was a lesbian! Much easier to embarrass and shame me!
It's been a tough day to say the least. Keep in mind that I'm currently in the military and deployed in the middle east. I haven't seen my wife and kids in seven months and have another 3.5 months at least before I get home. All of our conversations are via skype or email. The above was via skype. I thought I'd share the email i just wrote to her. yes it's personal, but I wonder how many of us have written simlar words to our soon to be ex-SO?
Any thoughts or comments are appreciated. And yes, I'm obviously in a difficult place right now.
Here's the email:
Today has been a rough one for me. My emotions have taken hold of my physical being. My stomach and head are in conflict and I feel physically ill. I've taken a long lunch break, trying to feel better and steeling myself to return to the office. I lay on the bed and had a flash of a dream that I thought relevant and worth sharing.
I was running through the mountains and, coming to a granite outcropping - I leap off at full-speed without looking at what's beneath me. A sense of total freedom and flight, unafraid of the inevitable fall, confident that life will provide a survivable landing. Hitting the ground in a roll, that keeps going, a hundred, two hundred feet down a rocky slope and then off the edge of the cliff - wildly falling through the air once more, unafraid of the possible death of being dashed on the rocks of the riverbed beneath me. Hit the water like a ton of bricks, sinking to the bottom and letting the current carry me to the surface and away from the site of my terminal fall. I was broken and battered when I hit the water, but surface intact and whole - ready to face the rapids ahead.
I expected this to be a painful process. I suspected you would have difficulty with this and feared the possibility of losing you. It's not fair to say this but I will - at this moment I feel betrayed.
I know you want to move on. You want closure. You see this part of your life as over - a failure. You want to start the process of rebuilding. In your eyes I'm an embarrassment that you're ashamed of. It's easier to hurt me than to risk someone thinking you might be something you find repulsive - a lesbian. Do you even realize how insulting and hurtful it is to seriously say you would introduce me as your transgendered ex-husband??? ->-bleeped-<- you and the high horse you rode in on this morning. I would never do something like that to you and I hope it's your heart breaking that would make you say such things. My heart is already shattered, do you really need to run it through a meat grinder to make sure it's dead?
Do you have any idea of how scared and alone I feel right now?
I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip or make you feel worse than you deserve. You've obviously had some pent up feelings as all of this can't be only from my revelation.
I'm sorry if you feel betrayed. I always sought to be honest with you. I've never withheld anything from you. This has been a struggle with me for a long time and I blinded myself to possibilities I didn't want to see.
You're right though. I'm not the man you need. I never was and I never will be. I'm sorry I can't be man enough for you, but I won't spend the rest of my life pretending to be something I'm not.
If you loved me and respected me, you'd at least do me the courtesy of learning what it means to suffer with this, what the road of ahead of me looks like, and the joys that come with finally discovering you're so much more than you thought you were.
Don't be an ostrich and shove your head in the sand, thinking you're going to win in court and get full custody and cut me off from my children because I'm an embarrassment to you. You used to stand beside me in my criticism of those that chose to see only the version of reality that they found comfortable. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life is not black and white. Don't be a sheep to the wolf of cultural conditioning or to your close-minded asian culture that says not talking about or acknowledging something will make it go away or make it cease to exist.
I exist. I've existed as a man, a husband, a father. I'll exist as a woman, a partner, mother. And I'll be a better person as I'll be complete and genuine - not an actor trying to play a part written for someone else.
In your mind you fear a future where you're trying to introduce me to other parents - the boys' father in a dress and makeup. I see a future of shared excitement over their achievements and being like any other proud parent - cheering my children on. In my future I'm not a man in a dress, I'm a beautiful and confident woman that my children will be proud to acknowledge.
For the first time in our marriage, I can't tell you that I love you. Because the woman that ripped my heart out this morning, the woman I'm writing this to, is not the woman that I love.
When you find the woman I fell in love with and that fell in love with me, have her give me a call - she's worth talking to.
If you decide you want an education on what I'm going through and will go through, ask and I'll tell you what's in my heart and head. And I can give you links to resources and to stories from others who've expressed themselves with more clarity than I have.
- (name withheld)
Do I sound like a total a$$hole here?
