Can you get girls to treat you like a girl while still presenting as male?

[Andrea J]

I  mean can you get them to socialise with you like you were a woman? Okay, I know they won't treat you completely as a woman if you are presenting as male but what can you do to influence them in that direction? I understand that being a gay man helps but what if you're not? I don't want to lie.

[Brooke777]

Even if women don't know I am trans, they treat me like any other woman. Just the way I act, and talk puts them at ease to where they don't see me as the same threat as they do men. It has always been like this for me. I just be myself, and they treat me like a woman.

[Andrea J]

Thanks Brooke. So put them at their ease and try not to seem like a threat. Can you give any examples? And what sort of thing makes an average friendly man seem like a threat?

[Beth Andrea]

I've not had a problem with this. The women I deal with (mainly at work) treat me as one of their own. Before, I was mostly invisible, to men and women at work. Of course, now my behaviors have changed, I'm no longer hyper-aware and anxious about my body's relationship to females (which was agonizing to me).

[Isabelle]

My experience has been similar to what TessaM describes. I always just hung out with girls, I only have a small few male friends and they're my friends partners. One of them told me not long ago "you were never really a man anyway"  in regards to how he thought of me lol. Anyway, I think it depends a lot on your culture, your age, what generation you're part of etc. I mean really if you want to "be one of the girls" then just come out I know it's hard and scary but, it's worth it

[suzifrommd]

The older I get, the harder this gets.

I'm not good in a group. I'm more of a one-on-one person. When I was young and single, it was no big deal to be friends with females. Getting married and having kids complicated things. Women become uncomfortable at suggestions to get to know them better. Lunch or coffee invitations look like something illicit. Phoning them up just to chat is awkward no matter what I do to try to make them less so.

It's one of the major frustrations of my life.

[Apples Mk.II]

Pretty much impossible at work, except for one that has a lot of suspicions about me and what interprets as "presentation", with "I don't know, but everyday you look more like a girl. skinny and with that tiny waist, skinny jeans, waxed eyebrows... and you know a bit too much about make up". Usually I am talked to when I am the only other person at the dinning room, but there are two things that don't help me a lot:

- My depressive mood that will make me sit in a corner at lunch.
- Raising my defensive "buttocks-tunnel" shell and letting bad jokes slip.


But it is a bit of a problem, mostly because of the generational barrier: I am the youngest at work. The females that usually talk to me have a difference of up to 20 years and see me more as their soon. With the rest, they are quite closed into their own groups, but I guess it is normal. I'll see three people talking in french, another two in german... I am a bit limited with only two languages.

Yet, two weeks ago I was called to company a few of the young ones for a drink (a bit of a special day for me). Happiest day in a long time. It will be easier if I could gradually come out in more aspects, but I still need to work on my personality. When I am depressed I tend to avoid conversation. As usual, I need a lot of confidence with people before taking openly, but I need it even more to sit close to people. Sitting in a corner and grabbing the newspaper instead of listening to the conversations probably makes me look like I am not interested. I should start changing that...

[spacial]

I in the same situation as agfrommd. I can mix with nieces, but I don't mix with other people at all, male or female.

I accept that. Can't change it.

[Isabelle]

Phoning them up just to chat is awkward no matter what I do to try to make them less so

I don't know if its a generational thing, but I haven't done that since I was a teenager. I mean yes I have catch up calls with friends from time to time but not regularly.

[Ave]

I don't know if its a generational thing, but I haven't done that since I was a teenager. I mean yes I have catch up calls with friends from time to time but not regularly.

It's all on FB now :>

[Brooke777]

Thanks Brooke. So put them at their ease and try not to seem like a threat. Can you give any examples? And what sort of thing makes an average friendly man seem like a threat?

These are all just generalisations. I am in no way saying all or most men act like this.

From my observations, men seem to dominate whatever space they are in. They put off a kind of aura that pushes everything out of it. For me, this puts me off, and it seems to for a lot of other women. My body language is usually softer and more inviting. It allows people to have space to move. Also, when men talk to you, it kind of feels like they are checking you out or sizing you up. Women do this too it is just a bit more subtle or include a friendly comment. As for the acutal conversation. Very few men use language structure that invites feedback or other opinions. I know this makes me uncomfortable in the conversation, and a few of my female friends have said the same thing.

There are a lot of things that can make someone seem to be a threat. Once again, these are just my general observations and are by no means fact.

[Stephanie.Izann]

I've had a good time with most of the girls I know. There are some that seem to take OWNERSHIP about their femaleness, but I ignore that since...well...I'm a female! So I would say just be you and the rest will follow.

[Andrea J]

From my observations, men seem to dominate whatever space they are in. They put off a kind of aura that pushes everything out of it. For me, this puts me off, and it seems to for a lot of other women. My body language is usually softer and more inviting. It allows people to have space to move. Also, when men talk to you, it kind of feels like they are checking you out or sizing you up. Women do this too it is just a bit more subtle or include a friendly comment. As for the acutal conversation. Very few men use language structure that invites feedback or other opinions. I know this makes me uncomfortable in the conversation, and a few of my female friends have said the same thing.

This is very interesting Brooke. When you mention language structure that does not invite feedback, I'm sort of imagining someone stating their opinion as fact, perhaps asserting something is correct. I know, this is a simplification and it can of course be done in a gentle way, bit still tends to repel feedback Or did you have something more subtle in mind?

[Brooke777]

This is very interesting Brooke. When you mention language structure that does not invite feedback, I'm sort of imagining someone stating their opinion as fact, perhaps asserting something is correct. I know, this is a simplification and it can of course be done in a gentle way, bit still tends to repel feedback Or did you have something more subtle in mind?

That is pretty much it. Have you ever listened closely to how many males speak? Even when talking about feelings everything seems to be a fact. If they were to add something like "isn't that right" to it, or phrased is such as "to me, it feels really frustrating", can make a huge difference in how the conversation is perceived. From my observations, many males would say something like "that is frustrating." Which leaves no room for anyone else to speak.

[Isabelle]

This is very interesting Brooke. When you mention language structure that does not invite feedback, I'm sort of imagining someone stating their opinion as fact, perhaps asserting something is correct. I know, this is a simplification and it can of course be done in a gentle way, bit still tends to repel feedback Or did you have something more subtle in mind?

I find myself guilty of this. I hate it when I do it. When I was living as a boy debating was one of my favorite pastimes... My style of debating has always been to smash my oponants views in such a way it makes their next statement seem incorrect or clearly rediculous. It's a terrible habit. I think in hindsight I did it as a form of overcompensating for my lack of masculinity. Since as far back as I can remember my gender and sexuality was always questioned. Debating gave me a situation where I could exert some kind of "power" and prove I was a man.

[Violet Bloom]

  Girls (and especially older women) have generally been very comfortable talking with me and being more open but this is only because they fully friend-zone me in their minds.  There is a certain barrier still present for many that they cannot get beyond because they see a male and I am still excluded from the group on some levels.  I suspect this will continue for anyone who knows I am trans unless I get into a completely different social circle with others who are also knowledgeable and accepting of gender variance.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Part of the reason I was always being bullied in high school was that I was one of the "girls".  Girls did not care that I was a boy, I was more like one of them.  Even in older life I always was more comfortable around women, therefore they always were more comfortable around me.

Guys always seemed to tag me as one of those "->-bleeped-<-s" and never really were to friendly.

[spacial]

I tended to have similar problems at school Ms OBrien. I wasn't really bullied, but tended to be quite isolated. Though I did go to an all boys school.

[Apples Mk.II]

I knew this would happen. Today I was invited again to hang out. Everything was OK, I was happy... Until I looked at the mirror and the spell was broken. There is no way anybody can see anything girly with this neandhertal's head, that not even FFS could fix.


First emergency pill for anxiety attacks after getting a prescription. Incredible... It is like having a mask. Nobody would take me as a female or have the slightest confussion like this, so every time I lower the male acting or I am frowned upon and considered a insane and in need of getting a normal life. Sometimes I want to think what I feel is fake or only a sexual fetish, but more and more I keep feeling as trapped in a body that does not represent me, and forces a role in my life I hate. Women at work notice my changes, but they only seem to identify me as a metro-sexual in process.

[Andrea J]

I find myself guilty of this. I hate it when I do it. When I was living as a boy debating was one of my favorite pastimes... My style of debating has always been to smash my oponants views in such a way it makes their next statement seem incorrect or clearly rediculous. It's a terrible habit. I think in hindsight I did it as a form of overcompensating for my lack of masculinity. Since as far back as I can remember my gender and sexuality was always questioned. Debating gave me a situation where I could exert some kind of "power" and prove I was a man.

Debating can get like that but I would hope that a point could still be made convincingly without having to become domineering. I mean I wouldn't want to think that you would loose the debate just because of female mannerisms. And of course its perfectly okay for women to have debating as one of their favorite pastimes too.

and being "fabulous" 24/7 did help tho.

Most fun bit of advice!