i need help.

[Lilly19]

i cant take this anymore. im sick of living like this and i have no idea what to do, im traped, im running out of places to hide and i know when i do ill probaly end myself, as depressing as that is thats all i see i can do. im so afraid and disgusted by my own body i cant be out in front of to many people without freaking myself out with panic attacks, and i cant tell anyone why, it has cost me my job and because of that my home, as my parents are fed up with me quiting everything, and i cant even tell them why. ive no resorces, at ALL. im so paralized in fear now i can barley get out of bed, ive been keeping myself in a cushon of weed and booze but i cant run forever even though thats all i want to do. and i feel i cant even kill myself cause of what it do to my parents, but its getting to the point were i just cant take it anymore, im past the point of caring. i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont know why im even posting here, i guess im hoping some of you have been through this same thing and can help me get out of it like you must have. just... help. please. i dont want to die but i know ill snap before to long

[Brooke777]

You are not alone in your feelings. Many of us have been there too. Just remember, there is always hope. When you are at your lowest, there is only one place to go, up. Hang in there, and keep fighting.

[Lilly19]

im sorry, this may sound morbid but its what i honestly see, that the only palce left to go is in the ground. ive tried everything, and failed with everything. im sick of failing, theres nothing i can do about it anymore, i have nowere else to go.

[Brooke777]

At one point, I thought I had tried everything and that the only thing I had not tried was death. I tried that, and failed too. Which by the way did not help my depression. However, it did give me a chance to figure out that I really had not tried everything. There is always, always something out there you have not tried.  I personally do not think it is possible to try everything.  I know things seem bleak now, but trust in the love of your friends and family, and more importantly, trust your self. You are worth seeing this through. You do have something to offer to yourself and the rest of civilization.

One thing that helped me, and it might help you, is to find one positive thing and think about it. This can be quite hard to do, but it really helped me.

[Lilly19]

honestly i try, but even that doesint help for long its been going on for ten YEARS. and every time i try and be sucsessfull, i chicken out and panic and quit. its all i know how to do anymore.

[Brooke777]

Do you happen to have a therapist or religious leader you can talk to? They can be an invaluable asset.

[Lilly19]

yea i have a thereapist, at least i think i do i dont know if the insurance is good anymore, but i havent been able to see him in a while and i dont even know if id be comfterble talking about this. im just so scared

[Brooke777]

I know it is scary, but talking to someone in person helped me a lot. Please, give it a try.

[Rita]

#1 Your not a nut case

#2 A therapist is not an indication of who you are

#3 We have all failed many times, but giving up cuts off any chance of succeeding.

Basically you were born an XY Female, as many of us were.  Take a deep breath, a step back and welcome to the group.  Transition is not an easy process, but the end result is worth it.

On that journey you will learn about yourself, what you really want, and hopefully how to take action.

On a side note I would lay off the weed and the booze, they wreck your mental state.  Or atleast choose one or the other.  I still have a beer every so often, but sometimes it gets me depressed.  More so than I would of been before it.

[RedFox]

im sorry, this may sound morbid but its what i honestly see, that the only palce left to go is in the ground. ive tried everything, and failed with everything. im sick of failing, theres nothing i can do about it anymore, i have nowere else to go.

Lilly, You say this but in your opening post you said you haven't told your parents or friends what your problem is - so you haven't tried everything - not by a long shot!  I know it probably scares the hell out of you, but I'm sure your parents would much prefer for you to tell them in person that you're struggling with gender identity issues - rather than learn about it in a suicide note when they can't do anything for you.

My father committed suicide when I was child - and as a survivor of this I can tell you that no matter how bad life may seem, there are ALWAYS reasons for living.  It takes courage to kill yourself, isn't it better to channel that courage into something possibly productve rather than focusing on ending the life that you've created for yourself?

As Brooke said, when you're at your lowest, things can only get better.

So get out of bed, put down the bong, and go face your fears.  You don't know what exists after death - you don't know what will happen when you come out to your parents.  But one of those choices has an "after".  Death is an inevitability - why rush to get there?  It'll be there when your 18 or 81.  (Please wait until 81).

You aren't alone.  You have a family that loves you, and a whole community here that cares about you and what you do with your life.

[Taka]

it's never so bad that it can't get worse... stay alive and see that it can get better too

i've been so down that i couldn't figure out how to get up at all, was even contemplating whether or not to breathe in again. i seem to remember planning all kinds of ways to suicide from i was 10-19 (had to stop it because of sudden responsibility that i wouldn't want to run away from), despite having friends who really cared. maybe what saved me was that some of those friends were also people who knew serious pain, i was never so alone as you seem to feel like you are right now. my family didn't help me at all though, they only ever made things worse.

you say your family still doesn't know about you. if you think you're about to lose it anyway, now is a good time to tell. if they throw you out, you have good chance to get help somewhere else. if they kill you, that's still better than ending it yourself. and if they actually happen to care for you, they might give you the help you need to get your life on a good track.

this is a now or never situation for you. make it now, never isn't any fun. and if you don't think you can say it, write it

[Lilly19]

thank you all, it reallys means a lot to me, and i know what your saying how it will help, but i just cant do it. i really really want to, but i just cant make myself do it nomatter how bad i want to.  i just cant. nor can i get myself into therapy right now, and belive me i want to but i literly cant right now. i dont know what to do.. i need to get away from my parents and family i know that much, untill i can at least get on my feet enouge to tell them. i just dont know were to go.