Thanks girls. It's always reassuring to know I'm not alone, and that it's not a unique thing to get upset, or in my case depressed about appearance. After getting up and reading your posts I had a chance to relax and think about what you said, and to go over some of the things that troubled me as I was trying to go to sleep last night. And then during the few hours of sleep I had there was this very pleasant dream about me as a woman in transition. I'd never had this kind of dream before, and I can't remember it very well, but I think it meant I'm still o.k. I've been hurt, but I'm o.k. and moving on. Again, thank you so much, and I realize this morning that my getting sick and finding an early grave is absolutely pointless.
So, now after reading what I've typed out, this is whole post is going to be way too long, but once again it's just being put here for self therapy. You'd be better off moving onto more important new posts, since this is like a Blog, and I guess that'll have to be my next little endeavor.
I was up very early todahy because my brothers had to leave here by 5:30 to catch planes to Denver and San Francisco. They stayed with us for a few days but had to drive eight hours back to the Minneapolis airport for their flights. And as we said out goodbyes I began to realized there were other reasons why yesterday was so good, and bad. Although it has a lot to do with my appearance, it has to do with how I've spent so much of my life with an incredibly wonderful and big family.
We were all at the dinner gathering yesterday of what was actually just a small part of the extended family in Michigan. My cousin, his wife, children, and grandchildren had prepared a giant meal for the entire group of 25 or 30 guests. We were served his farm raised beef and pork, with fresh vegetables and potatoes from the large gardens, and home made cakes, with vanilla and wild blueberry pudding for desert. It really was such an enjoyable time as we reminisced about the summers spent working on the farms, and fishing, or just playing at the beaches on Lake Superior. It's funny how those memories of hard work and fun are so clear and pleasant.
Then my wife and brothers were with me after dinner when the pictures that upset me so much were taken. We were walking around on our family farm a short distance from my cousins place, to check the fence lines, and find some old survey monuments. We had a lot of fun as we showed each other the old trails our grandfather and father used for horse drawn wagons to haul hay back to the barn (as if we'd never seen those before). I also explained where I planned to build a new wood timber bridge over a stream below a bluff, and where a small one or two bedroom cabin will go on the edge of that bluff to overlook the stream. I'm the second youngest of the five brothers, and the two sisters (who remained in California this fall). And even though I love my brothers and sisters, I'm still kind of treated like the kid of the family, while my younger brother is treated as more mature. Maybe because I was always doing something odd, and getting into trouble. Anyway, I have a leg up on them now since I'm in the best physical condition, and love to work on the farm to make the place more livable again for any of us who want to vacation there. None of us are wealthy, but we all learned to work hard as the sons and daughters of farming parents who left to find a better life. And we were always expected to do every job well.
Everything about yesterday was great. We all got out to drive the old '47 Willys Jeep after my son and I fixed the carburetor, and my brothers had a chance to see their 75 year old John Deere tractor that was just restored by one of the cousins. That was capped by the fantastic dinner, and fun times on the farm. So when I got home again and started looking at the pictures my wife took, I was hurt not just by my appearance, but also by a horrible feeling that with my transition those pictures would change, and I may very well loose some of these wonderful times with my siblings. The therapist warned me about this during my last visit. She said I will have a hard time with the way I look now, and the changes I'll need to make. And that most of all it's going to be very difficult dealing with my wife and sons, but there are going to be times when I realize what will be gone from my life. She said my emotions will spill out once in a while, and that crying will help me deal with it all. It's just part of being a woman.
I guess last night I found just a few more of the things that might be gone, and it hurt. It still hurts this morning, but at least I understand it better, and can live with it.
Now to get on with today. Love, Kathy
