Detransitioning is harder than I thought

[MagicKitty]

I was on estrogen for about... 7 months. I decided to detransition. I'm 20 years old right now, so I'm still pretty young. I've been off hormones for a month now, and I thought everything was going to be smooth, as I've come back to my masculine self, lifting weights, guy stuff. But for a week now, all my feelings have rushed back. I look at girls and get jealous, and I wish that I could be born a girl. But I also have the feeling that if I decided to transition again, I would never be able to reach my goals, and that I should just continue with all my feelings bottled up.

I wish shapeshifting was possible. I don't really feel valid as a person, both during transition and right now.

[Brooke777]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you are able to figure out exactly what you need to be happy with yourself.

[spacial]

Is it the fear of failure that made you want to detransision?

[Beverly]

I thought everything was going to be smooth, as I've come back to my masculine self, lifting weights, guy stuff. But for a week now, all my feelings have rushed back. I look at girls and get jealous, and I wish that I could be born a girl.

What you are describing is not unknown. Basically the hormones remove your dysphoria and so you feel the transition is unnecessary, so you detransition and the dysphoria returns making you want to transition. Rinse and repeat.

Some people go through this cycle a few times before deciding whether to endure the dysphoria or endure the transition.

[MagicKitty]

Not fear of failure. The fact that I didn't feel genuine, and that I never will. Sure, I can get closeish, but that would still require taking estrogen for the rest of my life. I will always have a masculine skeleton and bone structure. My rib cage will always be huge, my feet will always be masculine (my hands actually looked very feminine after a few months), and the fact that i'd need a ton of surgery that costs thousands of dollars. I missed out on the most important years of anyone's life, and now I'd just feel like an imposter, like I don't belong. I would probably kill myself to set my spirit free.

Plus the feeling that nobody will ever love you. Sure there's people out there, but all the people I connect with are attracted to guys, many think I'm cute, but I wasn't muscular so then it's a no a lot of the time. I'm highly attracted to lesbians. A lot of guys will say that because they like watching girls makeout. Separate the girls, i'd still be attracted to them, fully clothed.

If I could go back 20 yrs and choose to be born a girl, I would. I believe in reincarnation in a way. I don't know if we die, and our soul inhabits another organism, or if we die, and we become a higher being, maybe some kind of being of energy. Either of those sounds pretty good, and sometimes I'm tempted to set myself free. I doubt I ever will.

And I know that the same thing happens to other people. All I want is a second chance at life, born differently.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I did the detranstion 20 plus years ago.  And I wish I hadn't.  Now I am 20 years behind.

If you must make sure that you understand, it never goes away.  It will come back with a vengeance.

[MagicKitty]

I think I'm going to be a good manladybearthing and take my hormones. I think you're right, I have doubts, so I want to detransition, because it'll be "easier", but it's been less than a month and I already want to go back badly, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that i'll never get to that point, the final destination. Will I always be transitioning, or will there be an end point, where I can say "i've done it". I think i'll continue even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully I will see one someday.

[twit]

I feel a lot like you do, fake, just a thing, always going to be alone, etc.  I started transition almost 9 years ago and full time over 6 years and I know that despite all the negatives, it was and is still the best bet for me to be happy with myself, even if its just a little.  I can't say what's best for you, only you can, but either way you go, the going is going to be tough, you just have to decide which is the best route to potential happiness for you as that is what matters in all this, you gotta be happy with yourself.

[Brooke777]

I think I'm going to be a good manladybearthing and take my hormones. I think you're right, I have doubts, so I want to detransition, because it'll be "easier", but it's been less than a month and I already want to go back badly, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that i'll never get to that point, the final destination. Will I always be transitioning, or will there be an end point, where I can say "i've done it". I think i'll continue even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully I will see one someday.

In a way, everyone is always transitioning. People are constantly changing and moving into a new time in there life. How you transition, and who you transition into, now that is up to you.

[spacial]

Not fear of failure. The fact that I didn't feel genuine, and that I never will. Sure, I can get closeish, but that would still require taking estrogen for the rest of my life. I will always have a masculine skeleton and bone structure. My rib cage will always be huge, my feet will always be masculine (my hands actually looked very feminine after a few months), and the fact that i'd need a ton of surgery that costs thousands of dollars. I missed out on the most important years of anyone's life, and now I'd just feel like an imposter, like I don't belong. I would probably kill myself to set my spirit free.

Plus the feeling that nobody will ever love you. Sure there's people out there, but all the people I connect with are attracted to guys, many think I'm cute, but I wasn't muscular so then it's a no a lot of the time. I'm highly attracted to lesbians. A lot of guys will say that because they like watching girls makeout. Separate the girls, i'd still be attracted to them, fully clothed.

If I could go back 20 yrs and choose to be born a girl, I would. I believe in reincarnation in a way. I don't know if we die, and our soul inhabits another organism, or if we die, and we become a higher being, maybe some kind of being of energy. Either of those sounds pretty good, and sometimes I'm tempted to set myself free. I doubt I ever will.

And I know that the same thing happens to other people. All I want is a second chance at life, born differently.

I get the impression that you are looking for an all or nothing. I don't want to appear blunt or overly harsh. But life just isn't like that.

Firstly, there isn't a woman in existence who thinks she's perfect.

Secondly, if you weren't worried about finding love then we could be worried, but are you going to look for and accept it on the basis of fraud? Do you want someone to love you or some idealised macho man?

Thirdly, you don't necessarily need to be everything. You be what makes you comfortable. Personally, I'd have been happy to have the ugly bit removed. Then let nature take its course, whatever. As for taking HRT for the rest of your life, that's if you want to have the current hormone producers decommissioned. There's no rule that says you have to.

[Stephe]

I missed out on the most important years of anyone's life

Far from it. It just seems that way where you are now. I'm 52 and looking back on my life, the years before I was 25 were pretty meaningless to me. The most important years of your life are most definitely ahead of you. I see the next 30+ years of my life as being pretty important too.

No, you won't be perfect and most likely you won't be a super model. I'm just happy to be a fairly attractive woman. I'm not sure what goals you have set for this but like many people do, you may have set unrealistic ones. As far as "being loved" you are much more likely to find true love being yourself than living with your feeling bottled up because it's "easier".

Clearly this is you life but as an older person, I felt I needed to correct your misconception of what "The most important years of anyones life" are. At least for me my pre 20 years were NOT really that important.

[Beth Andrea]

At least for me my pre 20 years were NOT really that important.

...But they sure SEEMED like they were at the time...When I was 20, I never thought I'd live to see 30...not because of suicide attempts (those came later), but just because I felt I was living "hard and fast"...LOL!

Then I hit 30...and I had some perspective back to me being 15...and realized I'd just lived 15 years of my life...and if I lived to be 75, that meant I'd lived 2/5ths...40%...of my life!

Almost half over...so I decided I needed to get a move on if I wanted "to be a success."

That's all trash now. I've thought about de-transitioning, but will not EVER do that, because to be a "man" is more fake and contrived than to be the worst kind of MTF stereotype...so, my goal is to not be a stereotype, I'm just going to be me, the best I can be.

Sorry, got almost into lecture mode. Time to get some rum, and get offline. And off the interwebz for a while.

[smooth]

You don't have to transition completely. If you get relief from the dysphoria by taking hormones without doing anything else then why would you feel the need to go further... People on both sides of the fence will think it's kinda weird and I suppose it is. I'm allowed to call it weird because it's exactly what I've done. I always felt that I wouldn't be happy going the whole hog but I knew I needed to do something to hold onto my sanity. I've swapped out my chemistry and made a few adjustments here and there but I still present as male and I'm quite happy, dysphoria gone and life continues without the HF.
Think outside the box and do what's right for you. As everyone knows gender isn't black and white and Anywhere in the middle is just as right if it fits...
Best of luck with finding your happy place 

[justmeinoz]

Personally I have come to see that everyone is in transition in a way, all their life.  Transsexuals just have a clearer idea of where to.   There really is not one correct way to handle being trans*, just what ever is right for the individual.

I have a good friend who was on the way out of the Psych's office with his surgery letter, and by the time he had reached the bottom of the stairs had decided not to change his body, but society.
He has been doing awesome work here for quite a few years now and has definitely changed attitudes in a large part of the state known for it's redneck reputation.  If that approach works for you, that is cool.  It is your life, and you can do whatever you feel the need to.

If I did to decide to de-transition it would be a major life change, as I would have to change my name and move interstate to live comfortably I think.  I did think about it once, for about 2 seconds and realised that I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to go back to a male role, even after just a couple of years.

Karen.

[luna nyan]

Anne Vitale had a interesting little note on her webpage regarding GID and testosterone:
http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm
My personal experience in having been on low dose E and Spiro for 7 months is that it's kept the demons at bay and I don't feel the need to transition at this point.  (Social/financial issues aside).
At this point in time, I would say that my experience is similar to smooth's.  Perhaps it is an option that may work for you.

[Jamie D]

I was on estrogen for about... 7 months. I decided to detransition. I'm 20 years old right now, so I'm still pretty young. I've been off hormones for a month now, and I thought everything was going to be smooth, as I've come back to my masculine self, lifting weights, guy stuff. But for a week now, all my feelings have rushed back. I look at girls and get jealous, and I wish that I could be born a girl. But I also have the feeling that if I decided to transition again, I would never be able to reach my goals, and that I should just continue with all my feelings bottled up.

I wish shapeshifting was possible. I don't really feel valid as a person, both during transition and right now.

Hey Chris, I don't want you to get down on yourself.  There are many paths your journey can take.  Mine certainly has not been smooth, so I can identify with your concerns.

The thing is, you will need to find ways to deal with your gender dysphoria.  If not through some form of HRT, then perhaps in some form of presentation.  The dysphoria does not go away.

Perhaps, the best thing you can do for yourself is to continue any sort of therapy or counseling you have ongoing.  I wish you well.

[smooth]

I remember reading the Anne Vitale link, it really struck a cord with me. It wasn't long after this that I realised what the solution to my own issues was going to be. Up until this time I'd been busy removing my beard, getting a hair transplant, a rhino and going for consultations for other FFS procedures. I wasn't sure exactly where I was going to end up but I knew I had to make some changes. I'd been considering orchi and it wasn't a difficult decision to make once I'd gotten my head around what I needed to do to move on with life. My testosterone factory had to go for good. I have no regrets, it worked for me and I'm confident that this is where it stops. I consider myself lucky that I didn't have to transition completely, deep down I know I wouldn't have been happy. I even question wether some of my efforts would have been necessary had I had the orchi first....
I think once a person has got their head around the fact that the dysphoria isn't just going to go away they are in a position to better accept whatever choices they make regarding any changes that they have to make. It's easy to think your free from dysphoria when the E has done it's work but not long after stopping I personally found my own GD re surfaced quick time. I remind myself of this if any regret ever pops into my head.
I re trained as an electrologist so's I would still be able to earn a half decent living but my enthusiasm has dropped off since I realised I wouldn't need to find a new way of earning a living. I still have a working studio if anyone's local 
I still pump iron I still have my wife and kids and I don't have to consider passing. Life is good, Life's a beach  I just wish we had more sunshine here in the uk

[MagicKitty]

Thanks for all of your input. I just got a new primary care doctor, my first appointment with her is early in december. I'm going to try to do the whole "informed consent" if possible. I can't wait 3+ months, and i think I'll be able to give her a good reason to prescribe them to me (or she might think i'm nuts and suicidal and then i'm in the psych ward doing mandatory therapy). The WPATH is completely stupid and only sets us back from our goals. I've been on hormones, gone off, and recognize fully that none of this is going to go away. If anything, maybe,  I've got a better reason to be prescribed hormones than someone who's been in therapy who might still have no idea what they're getting into.

I understand the need for therapy, but in my area, the only "gender therapist" I can find works at my college, and is pretty much completely booked for at least 2 months.

[LivingInGrey]

Not fear of failure. The fact that I didn't feel genuine, and that I never will. Sure, I can get closeish, but that would still require taking estrogen for the rest of my life. I will always have a masculine skeleton and bone structure. My rib cage will always be huge, my feet will always be masculine (my hands actually looked very feminine after a few months), and the fact that i'd need a ton of surgery that costs thousands of dollars. I missed out on the most important years of anyone's life, and now I'd just feel like an imposter, like I don't belong. I would probably kill myself to set my spirit free.

Plus the feeling that nobody will ever love you. Sure there's people out there, but all the people I connect with are attracted to guys, many think I'm cute, but I wasn't muscular so then it's a no a lot of the time. I'm highly attracted to lesbians. A lot of guys will say that because they like watching girls makeout. Separate the girls, i'd still be attracted to them, fully clothed.

If I could go back 20 yrs and choose to be born a girl, I would. I believe in reincarnation in a way. I don't know if we die, and our soul inhabits another organism, or if we die, and we become a higher being, maybe some kind of being of energy. Either of those sounds pretty good, and sometimes I'm tempted to set myself free. I doubt I ever will.

And I know that the same thing happens to other people. All I want is a second chance at life, born differently.

Oh oh oh this !!!

"Not fear of failure. The fact that I didn't feel genuine, and that I never will." This is what has kept me for a while now from running out to get the process started... Along with a few other issues... but mostly this. I'm also hung up on my past in a bad way that's kept me from rushing to a doc's office.

Good to hear that your going back and I wish you the best of luck. This thread has been good for me, it's helping me realize that even though I wont be able to accomplish perfection, it still will be better then what I'm currently putting myself through.

[ashley_thomas]

Meryl Streep in a recent interview said age 40 to 60 are the best years of a woman's life. 


everything before 25 is childhood.  Life begins at 25 and it takes a good decade to figure it out for most people (trans or not)...