Alaina... I know you didn't say "all," and Kathy's wife does not (unfortunately) sound like she's going to fall on the good side of this one, but I couldn't resist reiterating that *some* wives do manage to cope and end up loving their new wife as much or more as they did before. I know at least two women, out of maybe two dozen couples of my acquaintance, who didn't identify as "lesbian" before, and still don't now, but do still have very happy romantic and sexual marriages. (Granted, both are OK with being perceived as lesbians by others who don't know the story, which is a major difference.) Plus three women married to trans men who DID consider themselves lesbians and had to adjust to being presumed straight!
(Personally, I'm bi but prefer women, so the bedroom adjustments were the easy part, and being taken for a lesbian is still inaccurate but closer to true than being assumed straight was. The first year was hellish, but now I'm honestly even happier than I was before. And our marriage is as romantic, loving, and yes, sexual as it ever was, although obviously some things have changed. She is still my soul mate.)
I fell into suicidal depression over the public insistence that it was flat-out impossible for a marriage to survive transition - finding out differently literally saved my life. So now I make a point of saying that it is possible, although obviously it takes a partner who's willing to do a tremendous amount of work on the relationship and struggle with their own feelings in order to support their trans spouse.
The sad thing is, my wife transitioned in 9 months; Kathy has clearly gone to much greater lengths to make the duration and timing of her transition easier for JoAnn, but if her wife isn't willing to try at all, there's nothing more she can do.
