Doubts! Tell us your doubts!

[MagicKitty]

I wanted to start a topic about transitioning and doubts.

Since I started HRT, I've had 3 "purge" moments. My last one was recently, and since then I've noticed a pattern.
Each of my purge moments have happened after I reached a "stepping stone" of transitioning.

First: Breast growth
Second: Increasing attraction to guys
Third: Difficulty of getting hard in sexual situations

I don't want to be trans. I want to be normal. I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head. I want to be a normal guy, lift weights, get muscular, get laid, get an attractive girlfriend.

We all have doubts, the "is this the best decision for me". I keep trying to tell myself "no, you're normal". It doesn't work. So I keep transitioning. I see my masculinity fading away step by step, something I used to strive for.

I know a lot of you have had doubts/ still do, sooooooooo I was thinking that we can share them, and that maybe someday someone will come across this topic and will find it helpful/ relevant to what they're going through.

I know a lot of us say "i've known my entire life, transitioning is the best thing ever, blah blah blah". But poking around, it becomes clear that the path isn't so easy.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Easy.  I doubt I shall ever see the surgeon's knife for SRS.    I may see it for BA, but SRS I just seem to doubt. 

[Devlyn]

Never give up hope, Janet. Never. Hugs, Devlyn

[Keira]

I wanted to start a topic about transitioning and doubts.

Since I started HRT, I've had 3 "purge" moments. My last one was recently, and since then I've noticed a pattern.
Each of my purge moments have happened after I reached a "stepping stone" of transitioning.

First: Breast growth
Second: Increasing attraction to guys
Third: Difficulty of getting hard in sexual situations

I don't want to be trans. I want to be normal. I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head. I want to be a normal guy, lift weights, get muscular, get laid, get an attractive girlfriend.

We all have doubts, the "is this the best decision for me". I keep trying to tell myself "no, you're normal". It doesn't work. So I keep transitioning. I see my masculinity fading away step by step, something I used to strive for.

I know a lot of you have had doubts/ still do, sooooooooo I was thinking that we can share them, and that maybe someday someone will come across this topic and will find it helpful/ relevant to what they're going through.

I know a lot of us say "i've known my entire life, transitioning is the best thing ever, blah blah blah". But poking around, it becomes clear that the path isn't so easy.

Just as a comparison to your reasons...

1. Breast Growth

I myself have no problem with growing boobs, I just mostly worry about having to get a bra when I'm not full time. Because when I can get hrt (if I do) I'm not going to transition because I know I won't be able to pass (arm hair etc.).

2. Increasing Attraction to guys

Not a problem for me, other than them not knowing I'm trans. I am bisexual; or sex blind to put it more accurately. Or I could be called asexual (romantic) and bisexual. Unfortunately my body disagrees with my mind; as my body tells me I am horny when I am not (stupid testosterone).

3. Difficulty achieving and maintaining erections.

I am a strong believer in kind over body...but I can't say for certain if it isn't the lack of T that causes this. I have heard of people who are trans who have had extremely low T levels and could still get an erection. It could in reality be a psychosomatic condition perpetuated by people who are trans and hate their male genitals (aka, they themselves can't get an erection because they don't want to).

For me though, I would rather have working genitals than non-working ones (hence why I am non-op). So if/when I do get hrt, I am going to make sure my doctor monitors my T levels so that they don't drop down to nothing. Or if all else fails, I can just take a lower dose.

[Keira]

Now for my actual doubts...

1. I'm making this all up because I want to feel special.

I thought I was gay, but I wasn't. And I thought I had aspergers, but I didn't. So I feel like the boy who cried wolf.

2. I haven't always known I am transgender. (I knew I wasn't at all like most boys though)

3. I have never cross-dressed.

4. When I transition I don't want to wear extremely girly clothing (skirts etc.). Mostly because I get that..."man in a dress feeling."

5. I don't have crippling dysphoria...okay maybe not now; but I did before I started shaving my body. And I don't have terrible dysphoria about most of my body.

6. I think sometimes that I "want" to be trans because it helps my self-esteem.

7. Other times I just think that transgender doesn't really exist and that  I am just making it all up (by extension, that other people are just making something out of nothing)

8. Transgender is some sort of delusion caused by nurture and I am no different than someone with OCD or Anorexia. (A relatively new doubt)

9. In general I'm just not "trans enough".

10. I've lived like a guy for most of my life and can pull it off so well that I think sometimes I should just live the rest of my life as a guy. (Even though I have virtually no friends, and am constantly dissatisfied with life)

11. I get along well enough with guys...so why do I want to be one of the girls just to have friends. (I get along much better with girls)

(By the way someone should make a thread opposite to this one and link both of these threads together. Just so that we can get both the reasons for being trans and the doubts. New thread should be called "Why we are transgender", or something like that.)

I would do it but I'm on my iPod.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks for starting this thread. It's an issue for me right now.

My biggest doubt is that I'm not a woman. I wish I had been born one and want to become one. But I still catch myself using male pronouns for myself, my female name sounds strange to me, and I have lots of very male thoughts.

Doubts about my history: I had a very cis childhood, and never dreamed I was Trans until a few months ago (though I've wanted to have a female body and live as a female since my teen years). I don't have intense body dysphoria, never crossdressed, never thought of myself as a female.

I would lo-o-ove to have SRS but it's so prone to complications, involves pain and a whole lot of $$ and I'm not attracted to men, so I think it's a bad deal for me (but maybe not for lots of other women).

And I think transition will suck in the beginning. I feel like I'm fighting a neverending battle against my own body hair. There are treatments that will help, but they're long, painful, and expensive, so I have that to look forward to.

And I don't know diddleysquat about how to live as a woman. Everything I do in that direction calls my attention painfully to the fact that I'm wa-a-ay out of my element and in way over my head.

All that being said, I can't imagine living even one more year as a man.

[Tristan]

i fear being alone and developing post op srs complications with this first year. oh and getting rejected from grad school

[Brooke777]

I doubt I will ever see a woman in the mirror.

[JoanneB]

Since I started HRT, I've had 3 "purge" moments. My last one was recently, and since then I've noticed a pattern.
Each of my purge moments have happened after I reached a "stepping stone" of transitioning.

First: Breast growth
Second: Increasing attraction to guys
Third: Difficulty of getting hard in sexual situations

I don't want to be trans. I want to be normal. I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head. I want to be a normal guy, lift weights, get muscular, get laid, get an attractive girlfriend.

We all have doubts, the "is this the best decision for me". I keep trying to tell myself "no, you're normal". It doesn't work. So I keep transitioning. I see my masculinity fading away step by step, something I used to strive for.

Almost a mirror image of my thought. Except the part with "I've grown up, and now that I'm 20 yrs old, I have a lot of masculine things implanted into my head" I got a good giggle out of that being 56 and still trying to feel grown up!

In my 20's when I experimented with transition, both times I stopped in part to reaching a "WTF are you doing?" milestone of breast growth or minor ED. I WANTED TO BE NORMAL!  So I ran from transition and back to the devil I knew.

When the whole denial thing got to me 3 years ago I started making changes. Since then I had a few more "WTF are you doing?"  episodes, always at major milestones yet different ones from teh past. THe breast growth helped immensly to finally feel somewhat happy being inside my skin. Erections never meant much to me. Only a tool to please my partner with, not for me. No problem living without them.

The first real major S-storm came last year at Christmas time right after it dawned on me that for the past couple of months of part-time living I've been successfully running around rural WV being seen as and accepted as a woman. WTF!!!! There went a good 30 year belief system I assured myself with since my aborted transition experiments of my 20's. There was absolutely no way being seen as, much less accepted as a woman would ever happen in my life.

The next episode came just a few months ago after a family emergency. After the dust had settled my wife turned and said to me that she would be OK with me starting HRT. That I had grown into such a strong person over the past 3 years. Her words backed up with deeds by handing me a box of estrogen patches. Let the freak out begin!

When I first seriously started wrestling this demon 3 years ago transition was the furthest thing from mind. While it is often in my thoughts, it still isn't something I want to do. My mind is often preoccupied with "Is it something I NEED to do?"

[Kevin Peña]

Ok, I have had a few doubts:

1. I have never had intense bodily dysphoria. I don't even hate my penis, nor the concept of using it. After all, it's just a glob of flesh.
2. I was only severely depressed for 5 days. It should've been longer, but I have lost the ability to feel much in the last few years.
3. I like a lot of "guyish" things, like swords and video games.
4. I can tolerate living as a guy, so I don't always think transition may be the best idea, even though it is the only way for me to find genuine happiness and not just a "good enough" life.

[Beth Andrea]

One doubt sums up many, I think:

OMG WTF AM I DOING?!?!!?

But, all I have to do is think about detransitioning..."Hmm...go out and get male clothes (no money for that, prefer to buy more earrings and eyeshadow)...change my name back (100's of things involved with that--court time, work would need to know, bills changed, etc)...stop HRT, get back on that damnable testost---OMG NO WAY!! HORMONES HORMONES HORMONES!!!"

Such are my thoughts regarding doubts.

[Cindy]

Doubts?

F**k doubts.
I'm me.

Doubts hide behind rocks when I approach.


Seriously.

I never dreamed I could come this far.

I never ever thought it possible to be me.

I never ever ever thought  I would be accepted.

Next week I've been asked to address the Haematology Society.

Little old Cindy will be standing there in a new dress and telling it how it is. And? They all knew me before I went FT.

Doubts?

I feed doubts to Chuck Norris.

[Apples Mk.II]

Thousands. Always. But the big one is:

"What the fluff am I doing? Am I going to like being a woman for the rest of my life or after 10 or 15 will I detransition?"


Happens a lot on the morning, during that peak Testosterone moment.

[Nicolette]

I had doubts. Those doubts tapered away gradually over 15 years after transition. The source of the issue is that I'm a BIG skeptic about anything and everything. I didn't have absolute empirical evidence. Was I suffering from long term psychosis? I had to take a leap of faith. I also had to mourn the loss of normalcy and having kids. I actually grieved for the loss of my potential children. It was weighing up the pros and cons. Now, I'm so glad I made the decision when I did in my early 20s, before life became more complicated and entrenched. Today, when I look at men I think "Thank fng god I'm not a man."

[MaidofOrleans]

I tried to get over most of my doubts before I started transition. Most of them were about my safety and acceptance in the world.

I find what helps a lot is imagining a positive future.

Funny enough, your purge moments seem to be moments of excitement for me 

Boobs, boys and no boners?! Yes please! 

[Incarnadine]

Here's my daily doubt intake:

From a religious perspective, does God approve of me expressing my feminine self?  Do I even have one, or is this a spiritual battle?  If I feel so *right* when I let myself feel girly, why do I also feel guilty and dirty?  How far am I allowed to go in expressing myself?  If I let myself feel girly, how far will it lead me?  How is my wife handling my expressions?  Is she hiding her true feelings?  How can I help her?

[Chloe421x]

Doubts?

F**k doubts.
I'm me.

Doubts hide behind rocks when I approach.


Seriously.

I never dreamed I could come this far.

I never ever thought it possible to be me.

I never ever ever thought  I would be accepted.

Next week I've been asked to address the Haematology Society.

Little old Cindy will be standing there in a new dress and telling it how it is. And? They all knew me before I went FT.

Doubts?

I feed doubts to Chuck Norris.

I'm gonna have to mirror this my only doubts have to do with other people, and not myself. How will my family feel? I hope my fiancé ( female ) is truly 100% ok with this.

As per other people accepting me......meh. If someone doesn't accept me for who I am, or is rude or cruel or whatever, then they were most Likly people I wouldn't want to know in the first place regardless of my situation.

I knew getting into this, things wouldn't be easy, but at the end of the day if you can spend a few minutes imagining yourself with a normal life as your chosen gender going through your daily routine.....and your happy? Then go forward with it doubts be damned!

Myself I've never turned away from challenge or let fear control me. Everyone has the power inside to take charge of their lives

Confidence and happiness, go get yours shrug off your fear, be bold and kick stress to the curb

Chloe

[AscendantDevon]

I have always had a lot of trouble with self doubt, always assuming that my feelings needed to validated in some way by others. Basically, thinking about transitioning has been one of the only times in my life where I've given up that mentality. I've come to terms with the fact that my feelings exist, they don't need some great magical stamp of approval to be deemed 'real'. That being said I've barely even started, I feel like more doubts will inevitably come, but I actually feel surprisingly equipped to deal with them. Its actually kind of an awesome feeling.

[peky]

The other day i bought myself a pretty striped dress, junior large! First time I have purchased a junior dress. I always consider them to risky for an old lady like me.

So, I came home, and change into it, then I parade in front of the mirror, and saw this very sexy attractive woman, WOW I thought "I am Hot."

Then doubts assaulted me, what if only I can see myself like that, what if other people are going to see a tubby old lady in a 2-sizes-to-small dress.

So, yeah, damn doubts

[Kevin Peña]

Peky, girl, I'm sure you look fierce! Just strut your stuff and let your confidence shine.