Alright, so now what?

[BirdOnTheWire]

Hey everyone, new member/long time lurker here.  I posted a bit about myself in the introductions section and have been somewhat browsing the forums for the past few days.  Used to lurk a lot a few years back but that kind of dwindled and for a while stopped altogether.

During that period of time I was going through some issues pertaining to substance abuse.  I was seeing a therapist for about about a 4 month span, like once a week.  It was unrelated to any kind of sexuality or gender dysphoria.  It actually started because of some substance abuse problems.

With out going to great detail I had recently gotten out of drug rehab.  It was suggested that I see a therapist for depression.  After seeing this therapist for about 4 months I finally started talking a bit more about the gender issues I felt I had.  Right around this time though she ended up having to take a leave of absence from work.  I was referred to another person who was better versed in dealing with GID type patients.  I saw them for maybe a month or two, again once a week. 

Needless to say I quit seeing them.  It was for a couple of reasons, I can go more into depth if it's of any importance.  I should interject tho and say that during this time I had gone back to drinking (alcohol).  Honestly I never really quite after I got out of rehab.  That's a story in and of it self tho.

That's about all the experience I have when it comes to seeking professional help.  More or less why I wanted to get that out in the open.

So fast forward to today.  I'm clean and sober now, have been for a little over two years.  I've slipped a few times with other drugs but haven't touched alcohol.  In those two years I've held down a seasonal job.  I feel like I'm finally settled down some what and can focus on the future.

I just don't know where to start.  I'm thinking I should try and get back into seeing some kind of therapist.  Especially now that I'm sober.

It shouldn't be any problem for me to find one, just not sure if that's the right course of action.  A bit about myself, I'm 27 (just had a birthday in October), I am living at home with my mother and father.  Both of whom are Catholic.  Actually my mother is more devout then my father and she wasn't even raised Catholic, go figure. 

They are currently helping to pay for Cobra, health insurance.  I was kicked off my parents insurance when I turned 26 so that's that.  Only reason I'm paying for the insurance in the first place was due to the substance abuse problems.  It had taken a toll on my body to the extent that I had to be hospitalized and subsequently prescribed medicine for neuropathy.

During all this time there was only one instance that I actually came out to my parents.  It was rather impromptu.  More or less they asked why I was going down this path of "self destruction" and from what I can remember I roughly explained how I didn't feel right, being a male.  I can't honestly remember how the conversation ended but it was never brought up again, and still hasn't been.  Knowing my mother I'm sure she is convinced this idea of GID was introduced to me by the therapist lol.

Alright, I've typed like WAY too much I think...heck of an introduction tho if I do say so myself

I guess what I'm looking for is a suggestion as to what should I be aiming for now?  I feel like I'm transgender.  I can look back to my childhood and see clear indicators that yes, I was different from my brothers and different from my friends.  For a long time I thought well maybe it's just a fetish thing.  Occasionally I'll flip flop back and fourth to thinking that or saying no, it's something more then a fetish.  That's why I'm thinking a therapist is the best course of action.  I mean I have insurance and all that fun stuff so why not right?

I do get concerned though that maybe it's not THAT big of an issue to start with...maybe I'm just using it as crutch of sorts to either "be different" or an excuse to used drugs.   That sounds rally messed up I know I don't....I don't know.  I mean I don't feel 100% of the time that yes I have to be female, no matter what I have to...some days I'm...content I guess being a guy.  Almost like it comes in waves...that's the best I can describe it.  But the instances where I do feel I'm female are almost debilitating.  They really ought to come up with like a scanner or something...that they could just say yep this ones trans, or nope this ones "normal".

I can give specific examples tho that I feel point to it being more then just a fetish but I'll wait until some people respond to this first.  Don't want to weigh you all down with too many details

And thank you, especially if you read all that lol

[Devlyn]

Congratulations on the two years! It's hard to deal with anything when you're in a bottle. A clear head will allow you to figure out who you really are. Alcohol was my poison and held me back. Hugs, Devlyn

[BirdOnTheWire]

Thank you.  Yea I look back on it at times and honestly can't believe how bad I got with it.  I mean like, never in a million years could I have ever imagined myself like how I ended up, or doing some of the things I did while drunk.  It's quite mind boggling.

It does feel wonderful tho to be sober.  I'm not going to lie and say I don't have urges every now and then.  They seem to have become a bit more prevalent, the longer I've been sober but eh...all I have to do is think back to what it was like and that pretty much steers me clear of the bottle lol.

[Devlyn]

I'll be honest, the cravings can pop up out of nowhere, even years later. I found that true success came not in waking up feeling great from sobriety, but just accepting that feeling as normal. Sober since 1986, by the way. Hugs, Devlyn

[BirdOnTheWire]

That's very true, and congrats to you!  That's pretty inspiring too, at least to me.  Gives me some hope.  Do you mind me asking if you did the whole 12 steps thing? I did a little bit but really couldn't get comfortable with it.  I just don't jive well when it comes to religion. 

I grew up with it all my life (religion).  Had private schooling all the way from preschool so yea, it's always been there in my life, just has never connected with me.  I mostly just chock it up to being young...   It's funny tho, I do find reading about other religions interesting.  Histories, and how certain beliefs or practices were begun.

[suzifrommd]

That's very true, and congrats to you!  That's pretty inspiring too, at least to me.  Gives me some hope.  Do you mind me asking if you did the whole 12 steps thing? I did a little bit but really couldn't get comfortable with it.  I just don't jive well when it comes to religion. 

I was able to work through a 12-step program (and I continue to) even though I don't believe in God. It wasn't for substance abuse, it was for an eating disorder, but they work the same.

The "higher power" I was able to find was the strength I had inside myself. I found I could pray to it for serenity, courage, and wisdom and it worked just as well.

[Devlyn]

That's very true, and congrats to you!  That's pretty inspiring too, at least to me.  Gives me some hope.  Do you mind me asking if you did the whole 12 steps thing? I did a little bit but really couldn't get comfortable with it.  I just don't jive well when it comes to religion. 

I grew up with it all my life (religion).  Had private schooling all the way from preschool so yea, it's always been there in my life, just has never connected with me.  I mostly just chock it up to being young...   It's funny tho, I do find reading about other religions interesting.  Histories, and how certain beliefs or practices were begun.

I did not use a twelve step program. Truthfully, I spent five days in an Army detoxification program which included twice a day AA meetings. One of the AA people told me "You'll never quit on your own." That was all it took. No one tells me what to do. If I'm told I can't do something, I will do it, out of spite! And you can, too. Hugs, Devlyn

[spacial]

I can't talk about experiences with abuse too much. Done it, but was lucky enough to keep it under control. Never really took to alcohon to be honest, though accept that many do.

But If I may, can I suggest, from your opening post, the best way to go forward is to simply tell them, now. The iron is hot right now, so to speak. This is the route of your problems you believe. Get a good idea into your mind, how you want to define your problem, because I suspect, your parents will, like many others, envision you, as you are, wearing a dress, getting it from some insane strange man, in a public place.

OK. I apologies. But I think it's important for your parents to know, as soon as you have any opportunity to tell them, that being trangender isn't sexual, it's between the ears. It gonna take time. You don't expect them to totally accept it, initially, just to support you. Because you need them so much.

[BirdOnTheWire]

agfrommd, I know what you mean with the whole "higher power" thing.  I've heard and thought about that as well.  That it doesn't necessarily have to be "God" but can be something else.  I know it works for some people, well obviously, if it didn't it wouldn't still be around lol. 

I did go to a few AA meetings, both while in rehab and I did a few after I was completely detoxed later, after being hospitalized.  Both times though, for what ever reason I just got turned off the second they started preaching.  It really is nothing against religion per se. I think it's more, at least for me, like Devlyn said...if some one tells me I'm incapable of doing something myself, especially something like temptation.  I feel the need to prove them wrong. 

I guess in the end all that really matters is you find a way to quite and stay sober that works for you.  Be it religion, self determination or what ever.

Thanks for you input spacial   My only real problem with coming out to them is, I know, 100%, hands down, for a fact...they won't support me in any way.  May even go so far as to prevent me from seeking any kind of help be it therapy or what have you.

Now I know they can't literally stop me, I'm an adult.  But I can't afford to live on my own right now.  I don't have a steady job or any friends in my immediate area.  My overall plan is to move by the end of next year at the latest. 

Ideally I would be moving back up to Michigan and in with a few long time friends.  All of whom would support me in every way possible when it comes to any kind of GID.

I just know how my parents will react.  My dad, hes a good man but he's not a...involved person.  It's hard to explain, I mean he never hurt or abused me or my brothers but he's just not there emotionally.  Never got involved with sports growing up, or school functions.  Even when I was in Cub Scouts, it was my mom that took me to every meeting.  I can't honestly ever say I remember hugging him, in all my life, or any of my brothers for that matter.  He would take us to basketball practice/games and take a nap in the bleachers.  I just don't know how to describe his personality.  He had a hard life growing up though.  I've joked with my mom that the nuns from his boarding school beat any kind of excitement out of him.  Sometimes I think that my actually be true.

As for my mom, well, I'm a mama's boy, thru and thru, right to the bone.  I love my mom.  She's done more for me then any one, more for me then anyone probably ever will.  Although I know that she would never stop loving me, I know she would cut me out of her life.  I've put her through so much already that if I just laid this all out for her...I just don't think I could do that do her.

She's a Catholic fanatic now, never was when I was growing up.  She was raised Lutheran (as was I) but converted maybe....10 years ago.  She goes to the chapel almost every night.  Prays the rosary constantly.  Is convinced the second coming of Christ is very near.

I really think that if I can just get out on my own, supporting myself things will be a lot easier.  I would love for them to know how I felt, but at this juncture I can't see any reason to do so.

What you said tho spacial did make me think.  I have three brothers, only one of whom I could see possibly opening up to.  He's ratted me out to my parents in the past for things...mainly pertaining to drug abuse or self harming.  But I don't think he would say anything to them if I came out to him.  As it really isn't affecting my well being or health.

But at the same time I don't really see a reason to open up to him about it.  There's nothing he can do to help me.  He actually is still living up in Michigan.  I've wanted to ask him if I could move in with him, as he just bought his first home.  He's single so it wouldn't be that big a deal to live there.  I don't think he would really be all for it though and really it's not really his duty to put me up or anything anyways.  Would be kind of cool tho lol.

I'm just thinking that if I can at least get into therapy now, and not necessarily tell my parents why I'm in it...it's a start.  I mean maybe if I get into it now by the time I'm ready to move I'll be able to start HRT.   Assuming that the therapist agrees that I do in fact have some form of GID going on.  I don't even know myself if it really is GID and not just...a fantasy or fetish of some kind....

That's the other reason I'd like to see someone, to get it sorted out.  Is what I'm feeling legitimate or just an occasional....fluke?...like I said some days I can be quite content in being male.  Other days not so much.  There are days that I've been depressed to the point of wanting to kill myself. Knowing I may never be or live as a female. 

Getting dressed up and stuff isn't really a sexual thing for me.  I will admit there are times that I do get turned on.  Usually in the context of thinking about being with a man.  But I don't feel like that is the driving force for why I want to wear women's clothing, or look like a female.

But it's things like that mixed with having those days I'm content in being male that makes me think that I'm not really trans.

I was playing dress up in my mothers clothes well before I ever had any kind of  sexual feelings.  I used to put on her makeup and stuff...it was always in secrecy tho.  I got caught a few times but it never amounted to anything.  When we'd go school shopping when I was a bit older I'd wander off and browse the girls clothing with out them knowing.  I've always had more in common with females of my peer group then males, at least I've always felt I could relate to them better then to the guys.  I've never pursued a relationship with a female and really don't have much of a drive to. 

I've only had one "romantic" relationship.  It was with a female but she actually asked me out and initiated the relationship.  It was while in high school.  Lasted 7 months and never progressed passed making out.  She actually ended the relationship because I never took "the lead", made date plans, or was ever really dominate in any way with in the relationship.

I was jealous of girls all through out high school, be it their hair, weight, clothing or makeup.  I can't say I've been attracted to a ton of guys but there are certainly a handful that I'm absolutely head over heels in love with.  Mostly "famous" ones...there have been a few like in high school and in college that I've been attracted to as well.

I don't know...I'm going to wrap this up for now because I'm looking back and I've typed like A LOT lol.

[BirdOnTheWire]

Well I did a little home work and found a few therapists in my area that are LGBT friendly.  I'm going to start making phone calls on Monday and see if any take my insurance.  I know some of then said they use sliding scale, something I'm not familiar with.  I can ask about it.  Worst case scenario, I'll just wait till I find a job. 

[justmeinoz]

Hi. I hope the therapy sessions help you to sort some of the issues out.  Sorry to hear that your family situation may not be supportive, but you will find the GLBTIQ community will provide new family members of your choosing who will love you for who you are.  I knew no-one when I moved to this State 18 months ago, and have slowly acquired an extended family of nearly 2 dozen.

As for clothes, there are a lot of women farmers in this state who wear pretty much what their male counterparts wear for instance, so if you are a woman and wearing clothes then they are logically women's clothes.  Just not "femme", but neither is my motorcyle rainsuit.  Doesn't make me a bloke though.

As long as you know who you are, the rest will fall into place.

Karen.

[BirdOnTheWire]

As long as you know who you are, the rest will fall into place.

Therein lies the problem lol.  I have no clue who I am.  I've always relied on others to define my happiness.  A good current example of that would be wanting to move out on my own.  I can't imagine actually doing it with out a friend.  Maybe it's just a fear of being on my own or failing.

I've delayed calling a therapist yet again.  I will though be doing so soon.

A little good news, I've had three job interviews in the past four days.  I've been very anxious the past few weeks sitting around home, it'll be nice to get out working again.

I've also decided to deactivate my Facebook account, more then likely will be deleting it as well.  I spend far too much time on there...or I should say waste too much time on there.  I'm doing the same with a few other forums I frequent.  Not Susan's though of course 

With the free time I'll hopefully be able to finish reading some books I've been ignoring and get back into a work out routine.  I really need to lose a few pounds.  Maybe get back into meditating or possibly see if I can give yoga a spin.  Always wanted to try it.

[Silvermist]

Have you considered that maybe your substance abuse is related to gender dysphoria after all? You might not think so, but it might be totally unconscious. Many (if not most) mental disorders, including eating disorders, substance abuse, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, etc., arise from a dysfunctional sense of self. And most people don't realize on their own that a problem in one aspect of their lives translates or morphs into a disorder in another aspect. That's how humans are; we often don't like to deal with problems head-on, so we find other outlets. Thus, there's a decent chance that latent gender dysphoria was a contributing factor to whatever drove you down the substance abuse path.

I'm mainly mentioning this to address your concerns about coming out to your mother. Your situation might be helped if there does prove to be a legitimate link between your gender dysphoria and your substance abuse, such that taking whatever steps necessary to relieve your gender dysphoria would also help keep you clean and sober. I'll bet that she'd rather that you live happily in a way that she doesn't approve than to see you destroy your life with drugs or alcohol.

What also might be worth considering is what effect your emotionally absent father may have had on everything. In this matter, I can relate to you so well. I've never encountered anyone who has had an experience with her/his parents that's similar to mine. Although my parents put a roof over my head, fed me regularly, gave me clothes to wear, took care of me when I was sick, made sure that I had a proper education, gave me an allowance, and bought me some things that I wanted, in all other ways their parenting was all but nonexistent. No hugs, no kisses, no pats on the back, not saying "I love you," no encouragement, not saying "I'm proud of you" or "I'm happy for you," no birthday parties, no holiday celebrations, no Halloween dress-up or trick-or-treating, no interest in my hobbies or dreams (and therefore no participation in them) or anything in my personal life, no intimate or heart-to-heart conversations, never making any point to spend quality time with me, teaching me almost nothing, no birds-and-the-bees talk, the list goes on and on.

Until I went to college, I was always an introverted kid who had no life and was usually home alone. My childhood was pretty empty, and I recently came to the realization that my parents never actually raised me in any meaningful sense. All of my values and most of my behaviors I acquired on my own, with no input from them. I'm an only child, so there was no one else to whom I could turn for support. I didn't feel close enough to my few close friends to be able to relate to them that way, and my parents were disdainful of therapists, so I couldn't see one. My parents were thoroughly emotionally negligent toward me, but they had no idea that they were doing anything wrong. They thought that providing "the basics" was good enough. I can't tell you how many times over the years that they've insisted to me how much more generous they are than other American parents and how much my friends would envy what I got from them.

Sometimes, I wonder if I would've been happier to have had no parents and had been a ward of the state instead. There's a huge difference between not having parents at all and having parents who are physically present but aren't there for you in any other way. My experience has left me with several chronic psychological problems, the most serious of which is borderline personality disorder. I've engaged in my share of self-destructive behavior, mostly compulsive spending and suicidal ideation (including planning). I'm a little surprised, but very glad, that I never turned to substance abuse. If I weren't so nervous about doing drugs, then substance abuse would've been a likely outcome.

[Silvermist]

Anyway, I also wanted to say that you shouldn't think too much about the fact that you don't desire to be 100% female 100% of the time. One of the unfortunately realities is that no matter how supportive cis (non-trans) people may be, most of them have no clue about the complexities of gender identity and the different ways to be transgender and the different things that transgender can mean. I believe that people who are just starting to explore their trans identities are misled by popular ignorance and misconceptions. Just because you have gender dysphoria does not mean that you want (or should want) to change to the opposite sex. This was something that I struggled to accept about myself, even though I had done plenty of reading about all of the different sub-communities and alternative identities.

I hope that you don't feel like you have to fit yourself into either box. You can be completely both male and female, or partially both, or neither. You can even be male or female at different times. Just do what feels the most right to you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't rush into anything, either. Also, I hope that you're aware that gender identity and sexual orientation are separate issues, and you can be straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual no matter what your gender identity is (or turns out to be).

Any good therapist will help you find yourself; no good therapist will tell you who or what you are. There is nothing to fear. By delaying an appointment with a therapist, you're hurting yourself, if anything, but you're not avoiding something bad or unpleasant. And FYI, the "sliding scale" refers to a common practice of adjusting the session pricing according to your financial ability. If you're having trouble making ends meet, then the therapist will charge you a much lower rate than usual.

[BirdOnTheWire]

Thank you ydgmdlu for your thoughts and sharing 

I have thought about the whole substance abuse thing possibly being linked in some way to a screwed up self image.  Regardless if it's related directly to some kind of GID I don't know but it's true, I've always been unhappy with the way I look.  Be it my weight or acne.  I had a speech impediment growing up which I blame for my fear or public speaking.  Even like during schooling, if I say, knew the right answer in class...I'd never raise my hand to speak aloud...that sorta goofy stuff.  I'm sure the drinking and drug use arose from a combination all those hangups.

Something I don't generally share with other people is that I'm a cancer survivor.  With out getting into a big spiel on it, I was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 12.  I can quite honestly say though it's never seemed to affect me.  I mean, I went through the treatment and all that...but knowing I had cancer just never seemed that big a deal to me.  Maybe it is subconsciously but it's not really even something I think about any more, or really ever have.

I can feel for you about the whole parenting thing.  Thank you for sharing/being open about that.  I do appreciate it.  It sounds like you had the shorter end of the stick then I did    I did get to do most of that "normal" kid stuff. Halloween, Christmas and what not.  My mom just happened to always to be the involved one, my dad taking the back seat.

I suppose the good that can come from it, at least for me is that if I ever had children I'll make sure I'm engaging with all of their passions and hobbies.  Be that supportive person I always wanted.

Thanks for reiterating that I don't have to feel female 100% of the time.  I know that is something I really do struggle with at times.  As well as not feeling like I have to fit a particular definition of female or male.

It's something I've begun to ponder lately though.  That just because I may feel female doesn't mean I have to be that stereotypical female ideal.  Like wise if I ever felt male, I don't have to be ultra masculine.  I most definitely feel female more often then male.  This much I know is true.

I do realize the whole sex and gender being two separate things.  Sexually I'd have to say I'm Bi...but like I said I've never been with either gender so that's going purely based on how I think within my mind.  Which I guess is a decent thing to base it off of lol.

Sometimes all this stuff can just be so overwhelming.  I know it's all a process and something you have to take one step at a time but it's hard not to look at the big picture.  It can just be really depressing...or upsetting.  Oh well, that's what I have all you for 

I will get around to calling some therapists this week, tomorrow more then likely.  I wrote down a list of all the ones in my area that seem to deal in LGBT clientele, and look to be good.

I'm just going to make my own appointment and not say anything to the parents.  I had already mentioned about maybe wanting to see someone.  I know if my mom saw any of the ones I wanted to see were LGBT friendly, well lets just say she wouldn't be happy about it.  Besides, I'm 27, it's about time I take some initiative  .

Truthfully though they are helping me pay my current insurance though so I don't want to rock the boat too much.