What's the key to a successful 'flirt'?

[Biscuit_Stix]

I am an unabashed flirt. Well, I was, at least. When I was a chick, hah, I could out flirt anyone. But now I get so shy, I stutter. Given, I'm trying to figure out how to flirt with pretty girls, and not handsome guys, but I never thought it would be so very different. I know part of my problem is just confidence; I'm not very attractive, so I know that holds me back. Regardless...

(This should be fun >.<) How does one successfully flirt with an attractive female? And I mean successful as in, 'don't make an absolute fool of yourself', not 'get her to come home with you'.

I miss being able to flirt with confidence, so pointers, tips, experience, advice, quirky remarks or smart-a$$ one liners, are all are welcome. Go team!

(As an aside, how does a guy flirt with a guy? I must tread carefully with this as I live in the (American) South and don't want to die here, but tips in this department are also appreciated.)

[Kevin Peña]

Well, I don't know about Southern guys, but as for women, just talk like you would anyone else, but be a bit of an a$$ in a joking manner. Also, pretend like you're completely ignorant to what's going on. It will drive her crazy.

For example, if a girl makes a sly comment, put a funny expression of shock on and say something like, "*Gasp*, is this... SASS I am hearing?!" Trust me, it works. 

I don't like flirting so much as just driving people crazy, so whenever a girl ever flirted with me, I took it all seriously. For example, one girl said to me, "I just love the holidays. Great time to just sit by the fire with someone..." and she started to lean up against me.

I said, "Well, I wouldn't get too close. Any loose embers might prove to be a safety hazard." and I turned around to my notebook. I knew what was going on. 

The key is to be funny and keep her on her toes. However, if you want anything more than just flirting, I have no idea what to do.

[DriftingCrow]

Unless I am just completely oblivious most of the time (which is likely), whenever guys try to flirt with me, they just seem to be rude sex machines.

From my lesbian days, I found it's always best to just give a girl a compliment to start things out, and then just kind of joke around with her in a nice way. Like Diana said, keep her on her toes.

I tend to be fairly direct in a lot of things, so usually if things seem fine, I just end up saying, "so, want to go out to eat sometime?" and leave see what happens from there.

[tekla]

Flirting is conversation as play.  The goal - so far as I know - is to make contact, lightly, in a fun manner ('cause you're a fun guy) - one that shows you're not stupid, nor a cad.  It's not about getting a date, it's a forerunner to that conversation (which is the 'wow, pizza, you eat pizza?  Hey, I eat pizza too' conversation) intended to just establish a basic connection, get a name, make sure neither of you drools more than the other one.

Yeah, humor is great.  Humor is also hard (difficult to execute) and way easy to take in all the wrong ways.  Satire, irony and most of all sarcasm almost always end up going wrong.  You're just trying to demonstrate that you can handle yourself in social situations.

And, male or female, make sure who ever you're talking to feels like they are the only person on the earth at that moment.  If you can do that, the rest is easy.

[Chaos]

One thing you have to understand is the female way of thinking.This is the best place to start when wishing to go for that side of the spectrum.Woman are emotional creatures,they are not mental or physical creatures like us men.Knowing that,woman do NOT care about such terms like *damn your hot* but want to know they mean more then a passing fancy.Woman want to know their beautiful-not feel like an object.believe it or not most woman love the shy *hello* straight forward,compassionate,loving man.One who is out to know them for who they are,not to know their body.as the relationship grows,then a woman loves to know they are more then beautiful to you.Sexy,amazing and how hard you have to control yourself around them.Never push it further then it needs to be or they will close up and run away.Remember self control and always remember THEY come first period.this is how you can be a successful flirt and retain them without feeling rejected.

[unknown]

One thing you have to understand is the female way of thinking.This is the best place to start when wishing to go for that side of the spectrum.Woman are emotional creatures,they are not mental or physical creatures like us men.Knowing that,woman do NOT care about such terms like *damn your hot* but want to know they mean more then a passing fancy.Woman want to know their beautiful-not feel like an object.believe it or not most woman love the shy *hello* straight forward,compassionate,loving man.One who is out to know them for who they are,not to know their body.as the relationship grows,then a woman loves to know they are more then beautiful to you.Sexy,amazing and how hard you have to control yourself around them.Never push it further then it needs to be or they will close up and run away.Remember self control and always remember THEY come first period.this is how you can be a successful flirt and retain them without feeling rejected.

Dude girls like to be called hot too. You just shouldn't say it as the first thing or be rude about it. Idk I mean that is just what I learned when i had a lot of female friends.

Personally I have no idea since I rather want to have a boyfriend.

[Chaos]

Dude girls like to be called hot too. You just shouldn't say it as the first thing or be rude about it. Idk I mean that is just what I learned when i had a lot of female friends.

Personally I have no idea since I rather want to have a boyfriend.

ok allow me to make clear what i mean.YES woman like to be called hot ONCE they get to know you.try using the hot line on an unknown woman.depending on the type of woman she is,there could be 2 outcomes.to be even more clear-hot is a sexual term only,while beautiful is a serious relationship based term.90% of the time,a man who uses the term hot-is only seeking sex,while a man who speaks of a womans over all beauty *inside,outside,mentaly and so on* is seeking somthing deeper.

[tekla]

Too much, too far, too fast.  Your already at 'sex' and 'relationship' and the goal of flirting is to get a name and a phone number - if that.  It's a socially played language-based game really.  It's like sticking your toe in the water to check the temperature, it's a preparation for swimming, but it's not the swimming itself.  All your trying to do is demonstrate that you have basic social skills, can hold a conversation and have some semblance of a presence and personality.


while a man who speaks of a womans over all beauty *inside,outside,mentaly and so on* is seeking somthing deeper.
Or...or...or it's said by someone who knows how to play the game.

[Kevin Peña]

Ok, I'll break it down nice and simple. Flirting is like any conversation: you have to make the other person want to talk to you. You don't have to be silky smooth as long as you're stimulating, entertaining, nice, and gentlemanly.

[Chaos]

seems im coming off wrong because i happened to mention *sex and relationships* so in a very blunt and clear way,ill say it like this.Come off as one way or another.even tho i dont believe in leading someone on,the fact is - dont come off as some dude who wants someone closer then only really want a nice *chat* how you come off to people is what determines your *smoothness* in the game.thats it.so if you want a good woman *even for just a night of flirting* then come off as a good man,period.i have played the game and played it very well and been on both sides of the fence,been came up too with many lines and it gets old.the same woman you wish to flirt with has most likely been flirted with by every kind of man and heard every line other then the deepest reachs of their heart.try it sometime and see.be one of a kind and stop following the flow,stand out and you will have someone wanting to flirt with you,not the other way around.this all i have been trying to say since i first posted.the saying goes *normal is boring* and it is.

and just fyi.to me flirting is a game of seduction-it can lead to which ever direction the 2 wish for it to go but for me,thats how it is.eye contact,body movement,whispers,words.all drawing 2 people closer for whatever the purpose may be.

[hattie]

To be yourself.... 

[spring0721]

I can't answer about how a guy should flirt with another guy:( but to flirt with a girl is REALLY easy.  Don't start out complementing her on her looks, start the conversation based on something she's doing(like if she's reading a book, comment about the book, her intelligence).  If or make a joke, not a cheesy one, please.  If she laughs, definitely comment on how nice her laugh is.  Never start by saying she's beautiful, pretty, hot whatever...if your 1st line is about her looks no matter what word you use it's going to make her think you're trying to pick her up for sex.  Once you're talking for a minute, during which the best flirting is YOU smiling at her, then comment on a physical characteristic...but make sure it's unique to her(like if she has freckles say they make her cute, or comment about the specific color of her eyes like wow, your eyes are blue but have hints of green, that's beautiful) by doing this she knows you're actually into her.  Also light touches are great flirting, guide her by putting your hand at the small of her back even if it's just while holding a door open for her. Put her hair behind her ear...whatever excuse you have to touch her...in a chaste manner of course...you did just meet.  Good luck

[Kevin Peña]

Spring, I love how you start with "to flirst with a girl is REALLY easy," and then go on to over-think it. 

Of course, she's right about one thing. Never start out by complementing her looks. Women are on defense because a lot of them think (with good reason, if they're at bars  ) that guys are only after sex.

Just talk. A corny joke can work, even if you both wind up only laughing at its cornyness. A good joke can also work. For example, "A kid was encouraged to smoke pot on a boat. I guess he fell to PIER pressure." 

Have a conversation, and you might find that it's more interesting than flirting. Heck, I just talked to a random guy on the park steps about how the US should convert to using hemp instead of paper for 20 minutes today. 

[tekla]

Flirting is NOT seduction.  That's why your SO can (and should) get really, really pissed off if they catch you doing the second, they pretty much have to & should ignore the first.  Touching is seduction, not flirting.


i have played the game and played it very well
I doubt it.  You know why?  I've never met anyone who really IS good at playing the game who would even admit (to the world, hell, even to themselves) that they were playing a game.  Ever.  At all.  That's not how they see it.

Not how I see it either.  And I've really, really, really worked hard on it over the years.  Believe me.  From the start of it being of any significance (say 16) I've been around both really, really DROP DEAD girls & and guys who were so full of themselves and their sexuality that we had to create a special separate and discreet (and hitherto unknown) category of human beings just to have a place to put them in.*  And I'm not those guys.  I never had that level of confidence (not in that way extroverted manner), and I'll tell you those girls... THOSE girls?  They scared the ->-bleeped-<- out of me.  I rode very fast motorcycles very fast (dosed out of my mind on acid just to add to the degree of difficulty), I was skiing back-country Sierra Nevada double black diamonds+ in the winter and technical climbing places like Pinnacles National Monument and Yosemite (yeah, also dosed) all summer, you know INCREDIBLY dangerous stuff, and none of that even phased me - but those girls.  That was fear. 

So I studied the second to conquer the first.  And I'm not out to sleep with supermodels, get a reach around from a major Hollywood actress or a hummer from a Rock Star Girlfriend (yeah, they can melt glass just by passing by it), but heck, it would be nice to at least talk to them.  If you get to be kinda friendly with a couple of people in the room, why can't one of them be the most beautiful woman in there?  If someone is going to find you entertaining/funny/witty/smart/engaging/ and just a real nice guy, why not have it be Miss Everthing Everwhere 21st Century (among others, not to the exclusion of anyone else)? 

So I studied how these guys - who can flirt at a thermonuclear level, and not even be aware they are doing it - and what and how they did it and I just totally copied them, ripped it off lock, stock and barrel.  Shamelessly.  And hey, a lot of it (but not all of it, trial and error and all) worked for me.  And I got over it.  And once your over it, then you hit rock star level.  That's when you're doing it - trying to be your most  entertaining/funny/witty/smart/engaging/ and just a real nice guy - and nailing it!--- without even being aware that you are even doing anything. 

See, the reason that those guys never thought they were flirting - as best as I could determine after years of careful and up close and personal study - is because they were not consciously doing anything.  They didn't have to think - Holy ->-bleeped-<-, how do I ever say anything to Miss Priscilla Perfect over there? - nah, they (in their ego) just assumed that every pretty girl in the world wanted to talk to them.  So they didn't have to do/try/fake anything.  Now, I could never get to the point where I would ever think that that every pretty girl in the world wanted to talk to me - but one of the first things I found out when I began to engage such people in social conversation (in a highly social situation) is that most of those girls only get approached by total creeps and they love having a really nice guy, who just also happens to be entertaining/funny/witty/smart & engaging talking with them.  They welcome it.  So I can stand there and tell amusing antidotes of stuff that has gone down in that theater, or just the history of the place itself (which in both cases is fascinating), and hey, there I am - yeah, it's flirting, it's a boy-girl thing on one level, but it's also just me.  (And it is the most DROP DEAD gorgeous woman that night, what more could I want?)

Because - in the end - the goal is to have them like you as the person you are.  The best flirting is just you being yourself, but bringing your A Game in a very direct and conscientious manner to it.  Sex and relationships come after that.  Rush it and you just blow it every time.

Oh yeah, on occasion I've got my ashes hauled too.  That's just a bonus.  (But then again my move is to let them make the first move, I just make sure I telegraph that early and often, but I didn't say that.)




*Rock Star

[Chaos]

Im sorry i didnt realize i was flirting with anyone and had to worry about *admitting* to anything so forgive me,as if i would openly admit to someone *im flirting with-yep im playing a game*.Im a up front person,i dont lie to make anyone feel good about their self but honest.and i am the same way in the flirting area.It has done very well for me but thats just me and that is how I see flirting,MY opinion,MY view on the subject-does not mean it is your view on it.And i am a respectful person so why would i tell you,you are wrong in your view? i also did not mention *touching* tho i did mention *looks,the way one moves and words spoken* and how it stating *be yourself and not follow the crowd when it comes to flirting,enough of the pretty mouth speechs and be honest for once to a womans face*-have anything to do with being full of ones self? Im happy for you and i wish you luck in your chasing but yes your right,i am very bad at it and no longer have a need to speak in this thread *smiles* tho i have friend issues.i never once admitted to having *love/flirting* issues.Good luck to the main poster and i hope you find all you seek

[spring0721]

DianaP, overthink it....maybe you're right;) although I'm just staing what's worked on me and my friends over the years.  I'm 30 so quite a bit older than you and I can only say from my experience, obviously not every girl is like me.  I've never had to initiate flirting, so I guess it's easy for me to say what I 'think ' would work.  I've been hit on by so many guys over the years that I can say that cheesy lines don't really work for any girl I know.  And yes being genuine is always a plus...but it's the guys that really take inventory of ME and come up with a compliment that I know hasn't been manufactured for a million other girls that has worked.  And diana is VERY right 'just talk' and have a conversation, not everything has to be about flirting, just as she said she talked with some guy for 20min about something random. Diana probably had a better conversation in those 20min than an hour of 'trying' trying to flirt successfully. 
I have had incredibly smooth guys flirt with me, and then guys that 'think they can' but then bungle it...so my best advice is if you're not that great at flirting, don't try it just go with conversation to let the girl get to know you. Good luck

[Kevin Peña]

I'm 30 so quite a bit older than you and I can only say from my experience, obviously not every girl is like me. 

True.... Then again, I go to a high school where people are pretty "loosey goosey." Check out my old slang. 

Seriously, even freshman have more dating experience than I do (which is zero, so maybe I should stop talking  ). However, I've seen the hideousness that comes from "flirting." The whole thing seems like a really shallow conversation aimed only at feeding an infatuation. I can guarantee that anyone, male or female, would be more interested in you if you just spoke to them as you would anyone else (which is what you should do if flirting doesn't come naturally to you--> trying makes you seem rehearsed).

Have a good time. That's the main objective, since it would keep the other person interested. Make some jokes, some stimulating points, and be nice. 

For example, if you see someone reading a newspaper at a bar (don't know how likely that is), just ask, "What's the scoop?" or something to initiate a conversation. This is more of a time investment than flirting but would be more likely to pay off since the person wouldn't think of you as some creep aimed at having sex.

As for being shy, I have found cute guys to much less intimidating when the conversation is innocuous. Trying to flirt makes a person seem much less approachable, because it leaves you with a greater margin for error, i.e, making yourself look stupid.

[PixieBoy]

For me, flirting has worked simply because people seem to find my social ineptitude endearing rather than creepy. A similarly nerdy, socially awkward friend of mine started a conversation with a girl with "Did you know that your heart is made up mostly of emptiness and stardust?" and then proceeded to explain how atoms look (mostly emptiness, not like the raspberry you see in school textbooks) and how all our matter has once been stars; she rather fancied him. I managed to get a date by talking about how bacteria reproduce and how retroviruses work.

...maybe I shouldn't have posted in this thread, considering I have no idea how actual flirting is done.

[spring0721]

DianaP....I swear you crack me up! I totally agree with your last post, especially for someone who says' I have little to no experience'.  People do make a**es out of themselves trying to flirt.  I think high school was even worse(you're right) watching so many girls throwing themselves at guys or the guys so completely ignorant as to what will actually work! No wonder you have no experience yet, it sounds like you're a mature girl stuck in a high school with many people that have the finess of a 3 year old!

[Kevin Peña]

To be fair, I have experience on the receiving end of flirting.

What's even worse is that you're 30, so you went to high school earlier, before kids became a bit less moral. Plus, I go to a specialized school, so the kids get a lot of work and wind up being really horny and pent up as a result.

Maybe, Biscuit_Stix, you can go to a medical school. I'm sure those overworked ladies would go for any man with a pulse! (Kidding)

But if you're still bent on flirting, it sounds like you did it in the past, so I think the main issue is not "how to flirt" so much as it is "how to be confident."