How many of you teeter tottered your gender, then realized your Trans?

[suzifrommd]

I didn't know I was "Trans" until last spring at age 50, or at least that's when I had a word to call it. I've known since I was a teenager that I've wished I could become a woman. It took meeting some actual everyday ordinary MtF full-timers to realize it actually was a possibility for me.

[JulieC.]

I only have a couple of random memories before I was 10.  So I'm not sure how I felt about my gender when I was a little kid.  I do remember wearing my sisters clothes through my teens and even earlier I think.  I have been cross dressing my whole life and new something was different about me but never realized I was trans until a couple of years ago.  So I voted didn't know till I was an older adult.  I think I repressed and denied the obvious most of my life. 

[Riley Skye]

In fifth grade I started getting jealous of other girls and questioning why i wasnt born one then i subsequently began repressing those feelings. It took me until a couple years ago to tell myself I have gender problems and earlier this year that I'm actually transgender

[Erin]

Humm...

I remember feeling not different but not right. Started dressing when I was 5 or 6 and have my entire life. Began dreaming of changes and wanting changes around 8. Repressed everything into myself after being caught by my father.

Attempted different things all my adult life dressing and admitting to partners. Married my wife 17 years ago and came out to her this year. I am lucky she is so supportive.

I am now 48 and moving toward transition. I never knew I was until this year 2012. I just thought I was a perv.. and sort of a freak.

[Angela???]

I started about3 or 4, got caught in my mums slip and pantihose by age 5, kept cross-dressing on and off for many years, trying to deny how I really felt on the inside, no luck there I know I is a girl! When you grow up in a small mining town that is full of drunken pigs and the so called poofter bashers that live in this town, then it be a scary thing to go out dressed up    Lucky it gets dark and I have a car to drive to a different town or city.

[DianaW]

I remember being in fourth grade, I would lay in bed waiting to go to sleep and I would dream that I would wake up a girl too. It's weird too, because there were a lot of things about myself that I always thought were unusual and I chocked it all up to being a weird person. I would sneak into my mother's room and 'borrow' panty hose and make up. My little sister caught me with make up on when I was fourteen. I always heard about 'men who were trapped in women's bodies' and I just sort of thought that was lame. Then, I guess one day I started to venture out on the internet, looking for things I never thought I would be looking for. Lo and behold, I realized that I was definitely in a minority, but far from alone.

[KaylaP]

I have almost no memory of anything before I was 5.  According to my aunt, when I was 3 or 4 I told everyone that I wanted to be a princess and they couldn't dissuade me from it.  My first memory of something being off was probably when I was 6 and had and extreme case of envy over my sisters Jasmine costume.  I was never comfortable with the paperwork in school you get where you would have to check M or F and left them blank.  But as for actually knowing what I was, it wasn't till I was 19, probably because I retreated into the world of fiction, spending almost every waking hour with a book in my face between the ages of 9 - 17(and I only walked into a telephone pole once!) although I did trip down a flight of stairs on occasion...

[JLT1]

I was 10, watching a TV show and I wanted to be like one of the women characters.  I lived the next 39 years in various levels of denial.  I knew what I was and some of the women I dated knew.  I believe that when you sleep with someone, they know.  Some were OK, some were not.  Only one ever talked with me about it, right before she left.  I knew she was right, it just triggered more denial.  There were two things holding me back - I like women so I figured sex with a woman would be better/easier if I were a guy and the money needed to transition.  I decided to look into transitioning in Feb. of 2012.  Then in March, before I got things started, my body took the initiative. 

[Jason_S]

I've known for since I could remember, my memory isn't very good so its very patchy. I've cross dressed on and off for a couple of years now. But i think the first time I cross dressed was when I was around 14. I really didn't have an idea why I had different feelings and emotions deep in me but I tended to just keep them suppressed.

Only in the last few months have I come to realize who I actually am, slowly I've been telling others though. Its kind of a mixture between embarrassment, relief and shyness when I talk about it.
I mustered up enough courage to tell my mum about a week ago now. I've told a single colleague at work and 2 of my close friends. However expressing myself physically rather than just mentally is almost impossible for me. As I still live at home with my parents, 2 older brothers and a younger sister cross dressing outside of the bathroom is so embarrassing because of my brothers reaction to do it on a more than on and off basis.

But I know now that I am trans, all my dreams start to make sense now, or at least more sense than they did before. But I still hide myself in video games with my headphones on. Always a female character and I love having a selection of outfits and clothes to experiment with to my hearts content. Its just embarrassing when my brothers friends are round and see me browsing through female clothes. I sometimes blush when that happens or most of the time I will quickly switch the screen off and walk away.

[lydia_s]

When I was 9 the thought of being a girl first hit my mind. But it was more of a fascination rather than something I related to. It wasn't until I was around 12 when I realized I wanted to be one. Started crossdressing at 14, and it really dominated my mind by 15.

I remember being 12 and getting my first computer. I started researching m-f related stuff. Before then I thought I invented the idea. Nope! It was quite established, and I was very excited. I think that's when it set in me, when I realized wanting to be the opposite gender was actually something.

It's weird though because the more I think back to my early childhood, the more I remember being pretty effeminate. It just never occurred to me that I would want to be a girl until I learned it existed.

[sylvannus]

Before 6 (no idea of the specific year) -- knew I was a girl
12 -- Realized I am different from the boys
15 -- Wanted to dress in female clothes and keep long hair (and was rejected by teacher and scolded by family)
23 -- That mind came back again and appeared stronger. Bought my first own piece of female clothes. Began to learn how to dress properly and how to do makeup.
26 -- Out of the control of my family and began to know I can do something. Then I told the doctor.

[Elsa]

Strangely I thought I was a girl till I was 5 when my mom made me wear a dress she made for someone else and then when she saw how happy I was - she jokingly said "I wish you were a girl"

That's when my lightbulb flicked and I realized I was in the wrong body. Even then I still preferred and could not help preferring activities and games that girls played.

[DianaW]

I'm not overly feminine, and I thought that for many years I was able to pass in guy circles comfortably. I guess when I started to confront the fact that even though I didn't 'act like a girl' or do a lot of girly things, I was pretty much always just 'passing' among the guys!

I was in the military, and then later on I did a lot of work over seas, and I was around the manliest of manly men. Hunters and warriors in the truest sense, and the entire time, except when it was raining shells and rockets, I would be soooo bored. And in certain countries the women cover themselves up and it was only afterwards that I realized the irony of it.

It was just a little overwhelming and kind of exciting when could look back and see my life as a whole, and that for my entire life, since I could remember, I just always wanted to be a girl. And then it started to make sense.

[Erin]

Diana,

I am the same way. I have been in in the same situations. Not with bombs and all but with those alpha male types. I was able to pass but I was never comfortable. I could never get the lingo down or follow the conversations about this or that. I am the queen of the nod and chuckle, or the redirect question.

[DianaW]

Erin,

      That's so true. I just nod and smile so much of the time. I was with my Mom a year ago and we went to visit some of her friends and I didn't think anything of it. We all went out to lunch and it seemed very normal and enjoyable. The only man, an older guy, excused himself as soon as he could but not before he had turned to me and made some kind of quiet joke to me about how he couldn't stand it. I nodded and agreed and I had to figure out that he meant being surrounded by talking women, since we were at a restaurant on the beach. I thought he was making a different kind of joke until I realized that I was completely comfortable and this man was in some sort of agony.

      Then I think about all the times that I would spend around guys talking about sports, poker, fight scenes in movies, war video games and I was never the least bit interested in any of it but felt like I better pretend I did. I would make up excuses for why I didn't share these interests like, 'I'm just too competitive' or 'I don't take losing well' to make it seem like I 'would' like these things but I would 'like them too much' which couldn't be further from the truth.

      It's funny how things eventually start to make so much more sense.

      And I know what you mean by the redirect questions!

[Gene]

I only recently realized I was trans. When I was younger, I would be so frustrated with my female body. I remember telling my dad I wanted to be able to walk around without a shirt on like boys got to (at the time, I was 6 or 7, so I wasn't anywhere near developing in my chest). He finally let me for a few minutes in our back yard, though he wasn't very happy about it. I felt for the first time that I had become what I always wanted, even if only for a little while. I could be a boy, and enjoy the same luxuries they took for granted. That ended quickly. I had no idea there was a word for feeling like my body didn't match what my mind told me my gender was. I experimented with it over the years. I had more male clothes than female, I hated dresses, skirts, and pretty shoes. I loved it when I would be mistaken for a male, I wanted a masculine nickname to catch on (it never did), I had almost exclusively male friends, and I loved playing some sports. I never missed a ball when I batted and I was faster than most of the boys. I hated never being let onto the boys' teams because it felt like I wasn't playing with my peers. I soon developed my art instead to cope with it.

It wasn't until high school that I told some close friends about my desires. They accepted me right off without batting an eye. My male friends would call me "bro", tell others how I was more of a man than they were, and make jokes about how my balls were enormous and displaced to my chest (I have double d's). It felt great. I met my now husband there. He saw right through my outer shell to the man within. He was very supportive. It wasn't until after I graduated that I had an idea of what trans meant, or that surgical possibilities were out there. I looked into them, was dissatisfied with the pictures I found, and tucked my desires away, realizing I would probably never get to act upon my wishes. I tried so hard to be a better woman, but found I couldn't get the hang of some of their nuances. I did pick up some of their habits, but just enough for me to be considered a femme guy. Now, five years later, I found I couldn't repress the feelings anymore. I now embrace my identity as a trans-man and have been gathering information every chance I get. My husband is still supportive of me, and cheers me on constantly when I start to doubt myself.

[JohnnieRamona]

I knew I was "different" around age 8 or 9, and  I started crossdressing when I was 10 or 11. I went through a lot of doubt and uncertainty and didn't know for sure that I wanted to transition until I was in my early 30s.

[EmmaS]

I first remembering trying on my mothers clothes and at night wishing I would wake up a girl in the morning a lot. Throughout my teenage years I continued to repress these thoughts and crossdressed occasionally, then at 20 I finally allowed myself to realize who I was, and that was a girl. In hindsight, it totally makes sense, makes me feel like an idiot!

[Cen]

I'd say I started feeling pretty weird about gender around 9, and by 11 I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of living as a male, and I started borrowing clothing from my sister.  Puberty did enough to my body that I stopped feeling comfortable with that, and I felt enough shame for it that I tried to do the whole 180 and be a really masculine guy.  I don't feel a lot different about it now than I did when I was 11, but at this point I'll never really see myself as either male or female, regardless of how I wish things had gone.  I've been transitioning in a sense, but not really all the way.  I may never go that far, especially with some of the issues I've run into during the whole process.

[Ventisia]

When I was really young, I just ran around with my friends and really didn't consider gender. I had equal amounts of male and female friends, though most of my female friends were tomboys.

I freeeeeaked out once my breasts started budding, though. I knew that it'd happen eventually, but the thought of puberty'd always made me anxious for a reason I hadn't been able to pinpoint. Something was off, I knew it.

Older friend of mine, a transguy himself, was the first non-cisgender person I'd ever met. He helped me through a few rough spots unrelated to my gender. But when I was introduced to the concept of transgender it kinda... really held my attention for some reason, though I denied being trans.

Then eventually I could no longer deny that something was up with my gender. Came out to my now-girlfriend and said I'd been beginning to seriously think that I wasn't cisgender, that I wasn't quite comfortable with my body as it was. But... it was hard to completely reject the notion of me being "female," so I called myself genderfluid for a time, more often masculine. Then "genderqueer, but really would be more comfortable in a male body." Then, I stepped back and said "...what am I doing? I've been asking to be referred to as male. I'm dysphoric about my body, and really want a male body. I'm just clinging to remnants of being 'normal.'" So I stopped clinging, and accepted that I was trans. It was like a big weight was lifted off my chest, haha. (And now I just need to get the real weights lifted off  )