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Birth of the Devil

Started by Alicia, October 25, 2005, 07:21:01 PM

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Alicia

This story will be made into series and are planned on being short. Other than that, I do hope you all enjoy it ^ ^

                          Birth of the Devil



CHAPTER 1
Innocence

On an Island, far from societies soil, an abandoned building in ruins, rust and reveal history. A research team has begun a search of the abandoned ruins. The ruins stand tall, wide, and vast with plenty to search. This research team of three carefully watch their step in the blackness of the ruins. Never knowing what they will find....

Commander of the search team, Raymond Belkins, leads the team with bravery and honor.

Raymond: I'm going on ahead, keep up! *as he flashes his light down a pit*

This team is not all human, beings from different galaxies have made peace with our race and are quiet the site. No real names can be translated, so they call this alien, Runguard. A being who stands at 6 foot high jumps down the pit with ease.

Runguard: Not to fear, this pit is empty. Remember, I do not need light to see in the dark.

The last member or this research team is the cover fire. Armed with a high caliber Sniper Rifle, the provide long distance sight and protection for the team. Dressed in black so not to be seen keeps close to the commander. This sniper goes under codename Black sight.

Black Sight: Sir, should we not be more careful, there is little light here, and I am unable to see most objects.

Raymond: Don't worry about it, you heard the alien, he doesn't need light to see.

As the team walks further into the pit Runguard calls out from ahead. Both the commander and Black Sight run up to him to see what he has found.

Runguard: It appears as if it is still alive, even though the obvious blood loss from the wound on it's side. There appears to be predators here and I suggest we leave before conflict.

Raymond: It's just a small girl...*kneels down next to her and has his light on her examining her.* Runguard, if you would, please carry her to the ship. She needs medical attention. We found at least something so that's good enough to go back. *stands back up and starts back to the way they came.

Runguard: Yes, sir. *walks over and picks up the wounded girl, carefully carrying her in his arms* she does not even appear human sir.

-The girl's hand reaches up to Runguard 's face and feels on the side of him.-

Runguard: Sir, she is conscious.

Raymond: That's good now let's hurry. *starts to run back*

Black Sight: *notices an object on the ground and picks it up. Noticing that his comrades already on the move he hurries back to them.


Three hours have passed since the team has gotten back to the ship. The snow storm has picked up it's pace and the wind could be heard on the inside of the ship. Doctor Liana Monroe comes out of the medical lab to give Commander Raymond status on the girl.

Doctor Liana: Hello Raymond. It appears that the wound she has, well it's been there for quiet some time. Yet she is still alive. Her wound has been treated and is healing rather quickly. I did normal checks on her and this is what I found. *she hands Raymond the clipboard with the girl's documentation.

The text reads:

Name: None given/Unknown
Age: Unknown/has the body of a 16 year old.
Gender: Female
DOB: __/__/____ Found date: 12/18/4120
Height: 5'
Weight: 97lbs
Eye sight: Blind
Hearing: Extremely Developed
Doctor's note: First thing noticeable are the big pointy ears. Very Large and developed and moves to where sound is. During eye examination, I noticed no reaction from the pupils. Red eye color..very unusual. Also noting lines within the pupil itself.

Raymond: So we got a weird kid on our hands huh? Is it able to talk or speak English?

Doctor Liana: We haven't been able to get her to talk yet. Her ears just move in the direction of sound. Which I guess would come naturally to someone who is blind.

Raymond: And big ears hahaha. *stands up and faces the doctor* Let me see her. See if I can't get her to talk.

Doctor Liana: Sure, right this way.*she turns around and swipes her card in the door and the door beeps and the quickly opens. The Doctor walks in as Raymond follows and she points to the room which is labeled "Test Area A10a"* you get half an hour for your "interrogation."

Raymond: heh, yeah, yeah. *walks inside and see's that there is a chair next to the examination table. He grabs it and twirls it around and the wheels make a loud run against the floor. The Girl sits up quickly and her head turns to his direction and ears pointed to where she could hear it best.* hey, hey, no need to be startled. I'm here to talk. Do you understand me? *he says and a long brief pause covers the room.* alright, maybe you don't...hmm.

Blind Girl:*leans forward trying to reach Raymond's face*

Raymond: Hmm? *He scoots up forward and gets in her face to look at her eyes. Her hand touches his face and goes around it as if she was examining him. He looks into her blank stare and notices three black lines in each eye.* What happened with your eyes?

Blind Girl: *leans back to her seat and turns her head to the side.*

Raymond: heh, so you DO understand English. I want your to shake your head up and down for "yes" and side to side for "no", ok? *The girl nods* Good, good. Now what to ask..hmm...Do you know how you ended up in such a place? I mean, we found you in snow bleeding to death. *the girl shakes her head* Do you know how to talk or any words at all? *the girl nod's her head* tell me the words you know.

Blind Girl: Shiva...lost race...genocide....

Raymond: Well you're a sweet little girl. Is your name Shiva? *the girl nods her head* I guess I will put the other two together. Alright Shiva, I have no more questions. I will see you when I see you. *he says as he walks out of the door and faces the doctor. The door shuts and their conversation begins.* I found out her Name is Shiva. And it seems her race was lost to genocide. Meaning there ARE creatures out there. Hostile ones.

Doctor Liana: I see. The would explain a lot. I will run further test and give you an analysis in the morning. You should get some rest, you look tired.

Raymond: heh, yeah, yeah. *starts to walk off* You should sleep too. *he turns the corner and bumps into Black Sight.* Oh, sorry..

Black Sight: I'm glad I found you. *reaches into a pocket on his vest.* I found this where the girl was laying. *he says as he hands the commander a black cylinder.*

Raymond: What is it? *looks at it up to his eye*

Black Sight: I'm not sure, but it was near the girl's hand..so maybe she would know.

Raymond: Yeah, I bet. I will see about it in the morning, best get some rest now. *walks off to his room on the ship* later.

Black Sight: Goodnight Sir.

The storm picks up as the crew sleeps. Yet the little girl does not. As the night goes on, she ponders. The night goes black as her thoughts do. And so it begins again. A genocide of another race. By the devil......





CHAPTER 2
So the truth is out.....

As the morning begins, the storm has calmed down. Only small bursts of wind could be herd as roars inside the ship. The morning is young and all who wake not know of what life they have left. Just another normal day......

Raymond: *walks into the dinning room and sits at a chair. Both chairs and table are metal..cold and very uncomfortable.* So what kind of >-bleeped-< are we eaten' today?

Cook:*walks in with a bowl of soup with eggs in it.* oh so now my food is >-bleeped-< huh? *spits into the commander's bowl.* there, now it taste just like it. *throws the bowl onto the table.* eat up..*walks off*

Raymond: >-bleeped-<..*begins to eat it anyways*

Runguard: Honestly, how on earth are you still eating it after he spit into it, sir?

Raymond: it's the only meal I get, even if it does taste like >-bleeped-<, I have to eat.

RunGuard: I suppose..sir.

*after eating his meal Commander Raymond goes back to the medical lab as Runguard companies him.*

Doctor Liana: Back again I see. Can't stay away from our little find hmm?

Raymond: yeah, shut up. The analysis? *the doctor hands it to him* heh, nothing new huh? I think I may have something.

Doctor Liana: Oh? So what could a commander do that a doctor can't?

Raymond: Just let me in and I will show you, heh.

*The Doctor opens the door with the swipe of her Card. To Raymond's surprise, Shiva is standing in front of the door looking up at him*

Raymond: Oh >-bleeped-<! *jumps a bit* God, you scared me. Don't do that! *pushes her back into the room and sits her down on the chair* Now, I have something for you. I want you to show me what it is and what it does, ok? *she nods*

Runguard: It understands English, heh. Not as dumb as I thought it was.

Raymond: *looks back handing Shiva the black cylinder* yeah well, we humans didn't think of your kind as intelligent either.*

Shiva: *takes the Black Cylinder and stands up and walks to one side of the room opposite of the door. She puts her hand out as the black cylinder retracts a very large blade, similar to a scythe. When the blade Fully retracts, it goes towards the ground as a pole emerges from the cylinder.*

Runguard: A weapon..a clever one as well.

Raymond: I got this eerie feeling ya know..? *he stutters as sweat drips down his face*

Shiva: *jumps on the examination table without making a sound with her scythe held in one hand*

Raymond: *gets up quickly and runs out the door* Get out of their Runguard! NOW!

Runguard: *quickly moves towards the door as Shiva leaps for him ready to swing her scythe.*

*the door closes shut and the blade from the scythe comes out the door*

Raymond: Holy >-bleeped-<! What was that?!

Runguard: She is hostile...and by seeing that blade go through the door like that..she won't be in there long. We should arm ourselves.

Raymond: *Hits the emergency button next to the door and lights turn red around the ship* yeah, come on, lets go. *starts to run down the hallway towards the armory.*

Shiva: *pulls the Scythe from the door with a single arm. Grips it with two hands and slashes the door at a diagonal. Cutting through the door completely. Readies the scythe once again and slashes the opposite way. The door falls to pieces as an artillery starts fire at her. As the first breath is sounded, she hears it and runs behind the wall to avoid gun fire. The shots continued as smoke fills the air.*

Captain: Hold your fire! Number 2 and 7, go check and be careful!

Shiva: *both soldiers walk toward the door. Shiva is above the door in wait. Showing no expression in her face at all. She hears the soldier's footsteps walk into the doorway and she slashes both their heads off silently and she leaps from the doorway into the smoke she hears the breathing of the other's in the squad and quickly slays them. She stands there twitching her ears back and forth for the most possible sound of movement. She begins to smell the air and smells ventilation mixed with blood. She couldn't hear much over the electrical system next to her. She steadies her blade next to it and feels the charge and knowing it's danger. She walks around to feel for a dead body and whatever gun they had. She ends up kicking the captain's dead body and feels for his pistol. She finds it and picks it up feeling it's figure and finds out how it works. She points to where the electrical sound is coming from and shoots it several times, knocking out the power for the ship. Silence fills the ship and anything can be heard by Shiva. She wonders the halls silently and quickly jumping off of rails and ledges making herself unable to predict.*

Black Sight: Sir, She knows I have her on scope. I don't know how but I can't get a clear shot. Are you sure she is blind?

Raymond: yeah, she is. She has those big ears, probably able to hear us now. We really can't go without sound. So she has a huge advantage.

Runguard: A species of intelligence indeed. Yet wounded once before. Obviously she is stoppable. I know I am able to keep up with her. Give me the word and I will fight her to the death.

Raymond: If she kills you..*Runguard turns to him with a serious look* heh..fine, fine go get her. But if you die. I'm going to kick your ass!

Runguard: I would like to see that. *he jumps into the distance to find Shiva.*

Doctor Liana: You said the words she knew were; "Shiva, Lost race, and Genocide" right?

Raymond: yeah, why? *he says as he turns to the Doctor*

Doctor Liana: Shiva is the Hindu god of destruction. She is the last of her Race because she caused genocide to them! *smacks him in the head* idiot!

Raymond: ah, ow! Well, the grey hair and red eyes look cute, sue me! She didn't look very...destructive.

Runguard: *as he glides through the air, he notices something streak past him. He moves out of the way of the blade and recovers on a wall.* I shall send you back to the pits of hell from which you came, DEMON! *pulls out a double bladed spear as Shiva lands on a wall and immediately jumps towards him.*

Flashes of light could be seen in the distance as the blades of the two collide. They both descend from the air as their blades clash back and forth, neither having a true offensive. When they hit the ground, Runguard jumps back and Shiva charges. He swings his double bladed spear and Shiva ducks it and swings her Scythe upward. Runguard swings his blade back around to stop the upward slash and jumps above her and gets behind. He positions his spear to headlock her. She jumps up on the spear and begins to slash sideways. He turns his blade to the side and blocks the swing as she losses balance. Shiva quickly jumps back and lands on a nearby rail. A brief pause enters the battle as Runguard makes no noise what so ever. No breathing, no movement, nothing. Shiva's ears move around to find out where he is. Runguard knows if he makes any type of movement she will surely lunge. Shiva suddenly Jumps into the air and a smoke stream from a bullet that had been shot. She climbs rails and poles into the dark shadows of the ship. Runguard runs back to the Commander and Black Sight.

Runguard: Sir, she is very skilled. Seemed like we were and even match. If it were
not for Black Sight's shot I would have surely died with my next breath.

Raymond: heh, we could always leave the ship and let her die off. Doesn't even seem like we can do anything. Just leave like a warning signal here and take the life boats out of here.

Black Sight: I'm up for that idea.. Let's get out of here.

Raymond: *grabs the doctor and begins to run toward the life boats.* Come on, lets go before she can catch up!

The group run down the lightless halls for their escape. Unbeknown to them, Shiva was following. Listening to every idea they had. She followed them from the ventilation silently as they reach the escape ships.

Raymond: It may be too cold for us to actually take boat. So we are going to take one of the ships to fly out of here. Everybody aboard.

As the crew jump into the cargo ship, they watched the doors carefully to make sure she wasn't coming. The large Ship doors open and they fly out of the ship, leaving it on the dead island. Never again to return. They fly back towards civilization...home.

Raymond: Good riddance...

Black Sight: heh, yeah, goodbye Hell on earth, hello work..the other..Hell on earth.

Runguard: hahaha, Indeed. I hope the Devil burns in it's own place of Hell on that ship.

The Ship flies far, the Ship Flies fast. Shiva is on the ship will soon cast, Genocide to all those, who shall become the past.
  •  

Carlie

Hey Alicia!  Being a writer myself, who has not been inspired to write in 6 years but finally found something to wrote about quite recently, I wanted to leave some thoughts about your story =)

First off, the concept is good!  The characters have good roles & motivation towards their actions.  It shows promise at the end for another chapter.  I did like it =)  Now I offer this advice in the future in case you want to pursue this ^^

I'm a stickler for grammar & spelling of the like.  If I could suggest one major thing to update it would be to add more detail.  Let me just use a quote here as an example...

Quote from: Alicia on October 25, 2005, 07:21:01 PM
As the team walks further into the pit Runguard calls out from ahead. Both the commander and Black Sight run up to him to see what he has found.

Runguard: It appears as if it is still alive, even though the obvious blood loss from the wound on it's side. There appears to be predators here and I suggest we leave before conflict.

Raymond: It's just a small girl...*kneels down next to her and has his light on her examining her.* Runguard, if you would, please carry her to the ship. She needs medical attention. We found at least something so that's good enough to go back. *stands back up and starts back to the way they came.

In the first sentence you mention something as found.  But you immidiately followed up with 'It appears as if it..'  What is 'it?'  I mean I know Raymond says it's just a small girl, but perhaps before Runguard says anything you can describe the girl ^^  Is she naked, where was she wounded, did it look like a human girl when they found it.

Next although I am glad to see that there is alot of dialogue back & forth, my grammar instincts in me want to help fix things alittle bit ^^  Turn the parts between the *.*'s in to constructed sentences that have more of a streamline flow to the story.  Again you can add more detail, especially if you are speaking in the 3rd person narraration :)

But seriously Alicia, I did like it and you show potential ^^

*HUGS!*
-Carlie-
  •  

Cassandra

Hi Alicia,

Looks like an interesting first draft. Some work on the style would make it more readable. For instance instead of.

QuoteRunguard: It appears as if it is still alive, even though the obvious blood loss from the wound on it's side. There appears to be predators here and I suggest we leave before conflict.

Runguard moves toward the creature for a closer look. 

"It appears to have been attacked by some predator judging from the wounds. Looks like it's lost a lot of blood but is still alive. I think it's a small girl. Whatever did this could still be around, I suggest we take her back to the ship."

Since Black Sight is a kind of security person he would of course object.

"Sir we have no idea what this creature is or if it's dangerous. It could have been the attacker and it's prey got away. We can't take some unknown alien aboard the ship without knowing more about it. " Black Sight said

"Well we won't learn anything about it if we leave it here either. I don't feel comfortable leaving an apparent child out here to die." the commander replied. "Bring her."

All right everybody were headed back to the ship, lets move out. The commander barked.


Now we begin to establish something about the characters. Rungaurd is brash and moves toward the unknown to satisfy his curiosity. Black sight is cautious and suspicious of anything he does not know. The commander follows his own moral code.

With descriptions don't just say you can here the wind. describe the wind. Like this:

Back at the ship the storm had picked up and the wind howled around the ship with a haunting eerieness made more so by the site of the distant ruins out the viewing port. The snow whipped in blinding sheet across the glass. The commander was examining some transmission from headquarters when the chief medical officer came in to report on the creature they had brought aboard.

"So what can you tell me about our guest?" The commander asked.

"Well the creature is humanoid as you've already surmised. Female. She appears 16 but I can't say for sure. She hasn't spoken a word so far. She seems alert. Her ears are canine in appearance and my tests indicate an extremely evolved sense of hearing. I would surmise that she was born blind and judging by her hearing I would guess that it is a characteristic of her species."

"If her species is blind why does she have eyes?" asked the commander

"Probably an evolutionary left over like the human appendix."


By engaging the characters in conversation rather than handing some written report we establish a rapport between the commander and the medical officer. Also we know there is an island and that the crew is on some kind of ship. We are left to guess that the island is on an alien world and that the ship is a space ship. Is it the command ship or a shuttle of some kind. We leave the scene of the ruins rather quickly. Why are we here? What is the mission? Why are these ruins of such interest to these space travelers?

You have a good basis of a story but before doing a second installment flesh this one out some more. Initial character development is crucial. We need to understand the characters and what motivates them. What do they look like etc.

Just some suggestions. You can tell me to take a hike any time now.  ;D

Cassie
  •  

Alicia

hey gals. lol

thanks for all the advice, and yeah, I kinda need it  :D

I'm not really used to writing stories so this helps ^ ^

I will tinker with it some,.....when I'm awake >.>; and edit it.

But I'm glad you all read it  :D thanks

*hugs*

Alicia
  •  

katia

Coraxo chis cormp od blans lucal aziazor paeb, sobalilonon chis virq OP eophan od raclir maasi bagle caosgi, ds ialpon dosig od basgim: od oxex dazis siatris od salbrox cynxir faboan. Vnal chis const ds DAOX cocasg OL oanio yor vohim OL gizyax od eors cocasg plosi molui ds pageip larag om droln matorb cocasb emna. L patralx yolci MATB, nomig monons olora gnay angelard. Ohio, ohio, ohio, ohio, ohio, ohio, noib ohio caosgon! Bagle madrid i zirop chiso drilpa.


want the english translation?

dunno, maybe it should go under the religion forum but some may find it offensive.

  •  

tinkerbell

#5
tinkerbell :icon_chick:





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katia

oops! busted! i was only teasing by the way. :)
  •