i could use some new friends who are CIS and have a spouse whos transgender

[Starshaped]

Hello Alyssa and Rabbit

Lovely to see you around! It's nice to see so many married couples around! We aren't married since we only met but it still feels amazing. I know this is different since you guys have been married to your loved ones before they transitioned. My boyfriend is still pre-everything as well but it doesn't really change a thing for me.

Would you say that feelings have changed? Not necessarily in a bad way? Since you have known each other for a long time? i was just wondering...

Wonderful to hear you have kids, Rabbit, how old are they and how do they deal with everything? I think depending on the age kids are super easy going about this. Some people could definately learn from kids! So far it's only pawed kids for me but maybe anyone else?

[Starshaped]

Congratulations on 13 years! I agree, people are so much more willing to write about the bad, although I am guilty too. Sometimes I just need a place to vent, but I also don't want to rub my happiness in other people's faces.

We celebrated our 7 year anniversary this past January and our 1 year wedding anniversary in May. January is when the transition talk really started though. The hard part is just about starting but we are both devoted to each other and to making this work. It's been amazing to see someone I've known for so long finally letting down the guard and being being true to what's inside. Even in such an early stage it's been a beautiful thing to witness.

Congrats on 7 years Tiffols So good to hear that. I wonder what it will be like for us once it happens but I think even the small things and the small steps will feel wonderful. 

[blueconstancy]

Thank you, Tiffols! Belated congratulations on your anniversary as well.  

I love the way you put this; I have to admit I was not nearly so sanguine about seeing my wife take the first steps. (But you're absolutely right, watching someone bloom into the person they were meant to be is beautiful.)

Rabbit - I'm afraid we have no kids; I wish I had more to offer there. But I also know a few couples whose kids all turned out to very flexible and "easygoing" about it.

Starshaped - I'm sure our feelings have changed, since we've been together so long I barely recognize the *person* I was when we met. (We first met at 17, and got engaged at 19.) I'm not sure how I can explain how it's changed, but sure, over time all relationships are likely to evolve. My guess is that we're better at compromising and "fitting" each other now, after all those years of growing together. For what it's worth, transition did also feel at times like she was developing new edges and we had to figure out how to adapt to fit together again. Which is kind of metaphorical, but I'm not able to describe it much better...

And of course there are challenges to both sides - adapting a marriage is hard work, but you deserve a lot of credit for being so joyously accepting of a new boyfriend. I know quite a  few trans people who are terrified of the dating market, and would be utterly thrilled to meet someone like you.

[cannedrabbit]

Our kids are pretty young (the youngest is 2 and our oldest turns 5 next month). We have made sure to try to include them in what's going on, as best as we can explain it on their level. They know that Daddy is going to "turn into a girl", they know her new name (Vera). My older daughter knows the words "transgender" and "cisgender" and can explain what they mean to a limited degree (i.e. transgender is when someone is a girl on the inside, but a boy on the outside). She also knows that Daddy is going to see a lot of doctors to turn him into a girl. When we went to her first therapy appointment last week, the girls knew we were going to the "talking doctor".

I have no doubt that our kids will grow up to be very accepting. Already our friends group is very eclectic and diverse (many gay friends, genderqueer, poly, etc.), plus our family is bi-racial, and we run a gaming store, so they have been exposed to many different kinds of people from all walks of life. I worry more about how other kids will react to them in the future. Children can be mean. :/

[spacial]

I worry more about how other kids will react to them in the future. Children can be mean. :/

Other kids will find almost anything to hurt.

It's how your kids deal with it. Bring them up to believe in themselves. To know that, even if they make mistakes, as we all do, they are still good and still perfect.

That's all they need.

[Starshaped]

Rabbit - I am glad to hear that the kids will grow up in such a diverse group, sounds wonderful. But I guess kids will always find a reason to pick on others...whether it's cos the parents don't have much money, maybe are of mixed colour of skin or are just different in any other way....I think if they know that they are being loved, they will be able to deal with everything. But I guess being a parent you always worry.

Thank you blue for trying to explain it, it makes a lot of sense . I think you always need to work on the relationship but maybe you'll even discover little things you didn't know before or that were never there before. Makes me smile to read about how successful you can be if you just don't give up.  Aww I am glad to hear that. I think I have just always been very open minded. I always supported the LGBT community and I have been to a couple of Prides too...but I didn't expect that to happen either. But he's wonderful and I think that's the only thing that matters. I can imagine a lot of people being harsh and not very accepting...I hope that will change in the future. I wish people wouldn't be so scared of what others think of them. Say hi to them from me

[liquidpandora]

Hi!    I'm in a slightly different situation than others here. I'm a cis woman, and my girlfriend is a trans woman. I first met her in late 2008, shortly after she came out and started her transition. I was interested in asking her out, but she stopped dating women when she came out and went full time.  We didn't actually start talking a lot and hanging out much until this past September. She moved in with us in February (Valentine's Day, actually), and that's the other part that's a bit different. We're in a closed, polyfidelitous triad - my girlfriend, myself, and my husband (a cis man). 

[cannedrabbit]

Welcome Pandora! Always nice to have more partners here! Some of my closest friends are in a polyfidelitous triad, so it's always nice to see more alternative families. ^_-

[ashley_thomas]

I won't post more than a quick response as I'm the trans one (MTF), but my wife is cis and we have been together 16 yrs and have 3 young kids.  I came out 11 yrs ago, and have tortoise'd (ironically the story of the tortoise and the hare was my fav as a kid) my way to transition. I spent years in non-medical transition and have recently begun medical transition also slowly.  For several reasons it will probably be a 5-7 year transition.  Our keys have been go slow, and include her in the transition process as an equal member.  She's now "all in" and can't wait.  Kids will be fine because she is, though we worry about their peers too.  I think the keys are slow (or maybe not too fast) and frankly the cis spouse having more fluidity in their gender and sexuality constructs.  My spouse is fine with being in a lesbian relationship (after yrs of considering it and getting used to it).

We're not new to it but hardly through it all, so with that caveat, we both say its completely doable.  In fact we are now closer and more in love than ever!

(this post read to and endorsed by my wife who "doesn't do message boards")

[cannedrabbit]

Hi Ashley! It's great to hear from someone else with kids. How old are yours? What have you done to explain things to them?

Congrats on 16 years! My wife and I are also closer now than I think we have ever been. I think that for us, once that final barrier came down we felt like our relationship was freer, more open, and more honest than ever before.

[ashley_thomas]

Thanks for the kind words!  We have three boys, 8, 5, and 3.  I am in boyish mode for work (though I own my own company) and obviously girl by night (though only in clothing, hair, skin and minor body changes).  We have taken the "no big deal" approach so far.  I expect by age 10 or 11 we will need to be more direct, and though that may be slower than most it seems right to us.  I think our oldest knows something is different, but it isn't entirely clear.  We personally think kids are more able to "ease" their way into it than us adults will admit.  This is all based on my personal philosophy of letting my loved ones lead my transition.  That, however, is very controversial...  Works for us though on EVERY level...

[ashley_thomas]

I think that for us, once that final barrier came down we felt like our relationship was freer, more open, and more honest than ever before.

And people ask us how we made it through the "trans confession" and I have to say I wasn't brave, our marriage was done lifeless, over.  Confession was my last hope.  I shared knowing we were done, but she saw hope and dove right back in and OH MY GOD has it been an amazing ride of intimacy the last 11 years!!!  So much that I don't mind the slow pace...