Dear Gemma,
My heart just breaks for you, your wife, and the new baby. I think most of us knows there are times when we reach a breaking point with regard to our dysphoria, a point that takes us beyond our ability to choose rationally, to select a better timing for hard decisions, and some "unspeakable" things, once spoken, cannot ever really be taken back.
My thoughts as you described this were of my own journey. For better or worse, I first wanted to transition in my mid twenties before I met my wife, but that was so many years ago there was no internet and I didn't know where to turn for information. Completely unaware of any sort of FFS capability, or much understanding even of what HRT could accomplish, I resigned myself that transition was not possible for me, that I could never pass, and I tried mightily to repress my feelings. Desperately lonely, and completely broken hearted, I found another needy person and we constructed a "love" on this unsure footing. Soon after we were married I discovered that I could not repress my feelings, and came out to my wife. She was compassionate, and tried to be understanding, but in the end, she could not accept this from me and I somehow went back into the closet to try to save the marriage (I am not particularly recommending this, but it is what I did). I continued to cross dress frequently and fantasize almost constantly, but I did my very best to hide my feelings for thirty years. Finally with two grown children in their twenties, I reached a breaking point where I was about to walk in front of a commuter train, but fortunately found the courage to call local gender therapists till I got someone on the phone, literally sitting in my car less than a hundred yards from the train tracks. I finally decided I could either write my family a transition letter or a suicide note. I have now come out to my wife and one of my children. My wife moved out but we are still friends. My son loves and accepts me for who I am.
I totally understand what could drive you to take ill-considered actions. We do not choose the time and place that these things happen in our lives. We do the best we can to play the hand we are dealt.
You did not choose to be trans any more than your wife chose to marry a trans person, or your baby chose even to be born, but here you are, the three of you in the crux of this terrible / wonderful thing we call life. I dare say this is going to require the greatest depths of love, devotion, compassion, and understanding from both you and your wife. I suspect both you and your wife recognize that your actions must be considered in terms of how best to care for your helpless innocent child that is depending on you, and to preserve as much as possible of the relationship which conceived him. Professionals may prove extremely valuable as you try to sort this out, but in the end it is likely to require greater depths of character from both of you than any other experience either of you have ever lived.
Cling hard to every joy you find that they may sustain you through the difficult times, which will surely come. Love your wife as completely as you can. The hormonal storm that ravages a new mother's body through pregnancy and childbirth is difficult to believe, she will need your love and support, just as you will need her's to see you through dysphoria. No one has more at stake than the two of you. I am sure every member of this board wishes you, all three, every blessing and success that is possible. I pray that your child will grow up confident of the love of his parents.
Sincerely,
- Heather
