Confused

[Mattie]

As the title says it, I'm really confused right now and there's no one I know who I can tell for I don't think they would actually understand.  I don't know what's going on, because I'm nearly 20 and for most of my life I've never really had a problem with my sex and gender matching though for some reason I did have many more girls as friends than guys.  There may have been a few isolated instances where I saw some gender issues hit me a little harder than I expected.  For example, I remember an episode of Star Trek where the Enterprise comes to a planet with a genderless species.  Within this species, certain members felt a pull toward a defined gender.  One of the more prominent members of this species (I forget her name, but she got involved with Riker) felt a pull toward the female gender.  I saw this maybe a year ago and while I was watching I felt weirded out by it but I also think there might have been a little bit of envy underneath.  As I write this though another earlier instance comes to mind.  I think I was watching the movie Motocrossed, where a girl decides to enter a motocross tournament as her twin brother.  During one of the races, I remember the mother holding up a sign saying "You go girl!"  I thought to myself If I was racing and I saw a sign saying "You go girl!" meant for me, I don't think I would be insulted by it.  I realize this intro is a jumbled mess and if you are still reading, I thank you.  For the past few months I have been looking at the mannequins at American Eagle and sighing because I don't want to have to look like the male ones. 

Lately though I have become overwhelmed by this feeling that I shouldn't look the way I do.  It really hit me two weeks ago when I was on a trip with about 35 other guys.  One of the guys who happens to be quite effeminate in nature referred to me as "girl."  Like "Gof for it, girl."  And somehow that unlocked this overwhelming feeling that I should be called but I didn't want to admit it and I am still rather reluctant to (hence the confusion).  Still I began to feel out of place among the rest of the guys but I kept telling myself that its just cabin fever and I'd get over it.  I got over it...for a little bit.  It comes and it goes, but when it hits me, it hits me hard. 

And yet I can't shake the notion that I shouldn't have these feelings.  First of all, I did research into Gender Dysphoria and its not like I've been disgusted with being male for as far back as I can remember.  Puberty, despite being an awkward time for me as it is for most people, didn't make me feel trapped in a body that I didn't feel was mine.  I keep telling myself that this will pass and I will feel normal again.  And yet reading stories about girls who made the transition when young make me envious that they actually knew what they needed.  I am sitting on a fence torn between waiting to see it this will pass or taking an action that cannot be reversed.  And all the while the clock is ticking.

[HelenW]

Hi, Mattie, Welcome!

I can relate to a lot of things you wrote in your post.  When I was younger I was as confused as you seem to be now.  I knew I was different from pretty much everyone I knew but I couldn't put my finger on how.  I never "hated" my body, I simply decided it was the one I picked for whatever reason in this life and that I needed to learn how to live with it.  It wasn't until I was almost 50 years old that I began to wake up about my truth.

These confusions you have are not simple to resolve.  Sometimes they can be difficult to get through.  Because of this I recommend that you find a therapist that specializes in treating people with gender issues.  Our Links section, on the Main Page, has listings of therapists sorted by State.

In the meantime, though, do come here and visit with us.  Reading posts here at Susan's helped me a lot in figuring out where I was and what I wanted to do.  The WIKI is filled with facts that can help and visiting Chat will allow you to communicate in real time with people that understand and can relate to the things you described.  I hope we'll be able to get to know each other a little better real soon and I'm again happy to say,

WELCOME ! !
helen

[shiva]

the movie Motocrossed, where a girl decides to enter a motocross tournament as her twin brother.

I saw that and liked it. The actress in question first appeared as a long haired girly-girl and later shaved her hair and adopted masculine characteristics to pass... She played the role well and aside from some teenage-oriented themes it was a good movie. Not too in-depth but yeah. 

She looked good as a boy too   

Welcome to here.

[uoroaix]

Hello Mattie. Welcome to this place. People here are all very nice and warm. I am sure eventually you'll come to an understanding of yourself. I , myself, took me quite a long time to realize what i wish to do for myself. I was confused just like you for many years. Back in high school I already knew that I was different than most of the guys out there in which I felt that a strong part of me wanted to become a girl. And like you I have absolutely no problem with my normal gender self. So in time, you'll surly be able to figure out yourself.

uoroaix

[Maebh]

Welcome Mattie.
So you are a bit confused? Well who wouldn't, there is so much misinformation out there about gender and gender identity. But hopefully by coming to this place you will be able to get the information you need and explore your identity in a safe, understanding, accepting and supporting way. As you will discover we are a mixed bunch here covering a vast array of positions on the gender continuum. So become familiar with the rules and explore the different topics. Some posts or stories might strike a cord, some questions you want to ask might get answers. Good luck on your voyage of self discovery, self acceptance and self realisation.

Hope, Light, Laughter, Love and Respect.

Maebh

[Pica Pica]

Hello

I am very similar to yourself, this whole thing, for me the spark was randomly assigning myself as a female on a chat website and really enjoying it. I never really felt much about these things until then. (Although i did always wanted to be Maria in West Side Story - but hey.)

I think that both of us could easily go down the transgender, transition type route and I was all ready to. But do you actually feel that you are female, or do you just feel that it would be much nicer to be female?

The biggest worry is that ticking clock, the feeling that if we were ready to go all the way, we should do it quick and get it over with, and hopefully live an exciting, pretty and integrated life after while we still have less to lose than others. I think we should both be wary about rushing.

Less then two months after the big feelings came, they went - i feel the odd twinge, however i now feel the odd twinge of pride of my maleness. I see a lady and I want to be one of them, I see a man and I want to be one of them...So I've decided to call myself adrogyne, which helps a bit.

I'm still waiting this out, I reckon you should too, just do little things - excercise your mix of male and female as you are, and then reasses, because it seems certain that once you actively go down a route aside from noodling around it, it don't let go. And that's probably scarier than a ticking clock.

One thing I did which really clarified things for me is write a list of people, real, fictional, male, female that you wish to see in yourself. I was surprised to find out that many of mine were male, despite the strongness of my feminine feelings. It helped me asess where I am and where I want to be.

Maybe it's wiser to be a better person, or a happier person, well rounded with male and female attributes, before choosing one or another...

Or maybe I'm just talking balls...

[RebeccaFog]

Welcome, Mattie.

   Take your time in working out your feelings. Everybody is different. And, that's a good thing despite causing confusion.

   Looking back at high school, I know I felt like I wanted to be a girl, but I can be dense. I also thought that the other boys wanted to be girls too, but that we were all supposed to keep it secret. Turns out that the others didn't want to be girls, of course, but I'm glad I'm different. It sure would have been nice if I could have had access to information the way you do now. You will be much better equipped to build your future than some of us were. If you turn out to be a male, at least you will have worked through your confusion.


Peace,

Rebecca

[Suzy]

Hi, Mattie!

Well you are confused?  Join the crowd.  And you will find many on here who are going through your same struggle.  You are young, my dear.  No rush.  Take your time and do this carefully.

Glad you are here to find support.  I look forward to hearing how things develop.

Kristi

[Jillieann Rose]

Hello Confused,
Oh I know that feeling well. I too don't remember hating my body when I was young . But I do remember wishing, but never admitting it to myself, to be a female.
About a 18 months ago something finally click in me. Wasn't long after that I found Susan's. I was so confused. But after a little time here I decided that I was a (CD) cross-dresser a male with a feminine side. About 16 month ago I shared that I was a TG (Transgender) person with my family. My family acted so negatively that I recanted for awhile but I came back and began calling myself androgyny a bi-gender with a strong female personality. Look back now I can see that I was trying to split myself in half so that I could be what I needed to be (a female) with what my family wants me to be (a male). I lived this way for awhile fooling even myself. Eventually I realized that there was only one of me and I am female. So now I call myself a late bloomer over 50 year old TS (Transsexual) woman.
Is it easy, no, I am a spouse, a parent of 3 and a grandparent of 4.
Is it still confusing, yes and no. I'm am no longer confused about who I am but now just confused about what to do about it.

The people here are so friendly and helpful. I don't know were I would have been without them.
I'm so glad you have join Susan's.
Ask your question and share your thoughts. It good therapy and you may help someone else here too as you share.
Welcome to Susan's Mattie.
Jillieann

[Lucy]

Hi Matti,You are amongst friendr here and will help as much as possible, it took me 15 years to work it out, now im happy and working my way out of depession. Glad to see you here, its your life live it

[tinkerbell]

Hello Matti and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the forums of the site, review the site rules and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay.

tink

[Ell]

I'm really confused right now

it's funny, but it seems that it's the girls here that get all confused and scared. try to find those emotions among the ftms here. they know what they want and they know how to get it! i admire that. but anyway, i'm glad i'm a girl. bet you are too.

[RebeccaFog]

I'm really confused right now

it's funny, but it seems that it's the girls here that get all confused and scared. try to find those emotions among the ftms here. they know what they want and they know how to get it! i admire that. but anyway, i'm glad i'm a girl. bet you are too.

   I hadn't realized that about the men. I think that, for the most part, you are right. Those lucky Bassfishers. 

[Mattie]

Thanks for the welcome, everyone.  I really appreciate it.

It's funny though how it comes in waves.  One minute I want to get rid of Dr. Wang and the two nuts he hangs around with.  Then again, reading some of the FtM posts and the talk about learning to pee on trees makes me want to say, "Its easy, I'll show ya!"  I imagine I wouldn't mind one bit had I been born a girl, and if a magic genie granted me the wish to change I'd probably take it.  Yet I can't see myself making that transition.  While it seems like it might be right I don't know if I have that conviction.

For all of you who have the courage to make things fit, I salute you.

[Jillieann Rose]

That's okay Mattie,
Don't be in any hurry to fix your gender problem right away. It will take time to figure out what you need to do if anything. And as some of the other girls have said the best way to start is to find a gender therapist.
Jillieann

[Ell]

   I hadn't realized that about the men. I think that, for the most part, you are right. Those lucky Bassfishers. 

mm hmm. (*nods. chuckles*) they've got a lot of b_____s, if you will.
And i think you will.

[asiangurliee]

Thanks for the welcome, everyone.  I really appreciate it.

It's funny though how it comes in waves.  One minute I want to get rid of Dr. Wang and the two nuts he hangs around with.  Then again, reading some of the FtM posts and the talk about learning to pee on trees makes me want to say, "Its easy, I'll show ya!"  I imagine I wouldn't mind one bit had I been born a girl, and if a magic genie granted me the wish to change I'd probably take it.  Yet I can't see myself making that transition.  While it seems like it might be right I don't know if I have that conviction.

For all of you who have the courage to make things fit, I salute you.

I love your avatar, i love that japenese animated movie,  , that was so long ago.

I don't remember hating my own body when i was young, i know what you are saying, i really do.

The only thing is, I didn't really enjoy anything about being a male, like, there was no joy for me at all but you have to really want it to go through the transition, the first step is the hardest.

I only seriously thought about being transgendered at about 19-20, now I am 23 and almost 24. I have always had female idols, all my favorite singers and actresses are females and I remember wanting to be like them but I never thought I could be a girl myself. Even though i am on hormones, i am still taking it one step at a time and trying to make sure if this is the path i want to take.

Like you, I would obviously wish I was born a girl , no question about it. I would finish the transition right now if someone can magically transform my part into a vagina, but reality is confusing and is much more difficult. . 

[Mattie]

Despite my confused emotional state I think I'm going to call a decision, and here is my reasoning why.  I was out walking my dog and I saw these two absolutely adorable kids who wanted to pet my dog.  He's a big German shepherd named Gohan who was as tall as these children were.  Since Gohan is gentle, I said it was ok.  Anyway it got me to thinking that I want kids someday.  Yet as much as my body image is negative toward looking male, I can only ever see myself as being a father.  Therefore I shall call myself male but with a feminine side that extends out to Mars. 

[Robyn]

That is today's decision, Mattie, and that's fine.  If (more likely when) you begin feeling the need to find out more, do check out our lists of gender therapists.

And there are ways to still father a child even after SRS.

Robyn

[RebeccaFog]

Therefore I shall call myself male but with a feminine side that extends out to Mars. 

don't you mean, Venus?