Ok, I'm guessing this is kinda my fault. I never expect to react in this way and panic at this level.
Lately I haven't been able to go back into female mode, between work issues, too much work, lots of weird issues, blah blah blah... Well, mayba I have gotten too confident on some things, specially in one: That I don't have anything that can strike as odd to other people.
Today I was finally operative after recovering from surgery. I was enjoying my first day of vacation, so I went to my parent's place to pick a fan and a cart for transporting things, and started an IKEA safari. Two friends are coming for the weekend, and I am really anxious to see them, after we missed the LGBT parade in June.. I need to buy mattresses, blankets, pillows... Those things, since I live alone I only have things for one person. I meet another friend there, we carry everything into the car and he leaves me at my place. So far, so good... My only plan is to finish cleaning, brush the wig, do my eyebrows, apply nail polish and go back to girl mode tomorrow. I can't stand being in guy mode any more, specially after having to go like that for several reasons during the week.
Or so I thought. I went out to throw the accumulated trash and one guy askes me to do a blind test and survey for a new brand of non alcoholic beer... Which happens to be the one I usually . buy. I don't have anything better to do, and with this things I feel like helping somebody. I know these jobs and they are though, specially with the weather. I offer him to come to my place and we start the survey, and 30 minutes later we are finished. I have offered him a bit of water, he has used my bathroom, he have discussed a bit about the tablet PC he has used for the survey (I really like those Fujitsu Stylistic). He looks like a nice person, but in the end, he ass something I was not expecting.
"By the way... Are you taking hormones?"
¿¿¿WHAAAAAATTTTT???
That was my answer. I started panicking a lot, and thinking about what he had seen. Ok, there were two bottles of beard concealer and silicone base for foundation in the bathroom, but he had not advanced more than the kitchen. I already hid the hormones before letting him enter (I haven't been at home for two days)...
In the end I say that yes, I've been for a few months, and... "Is there something that is giving me away?"
"Well... Yes. Your breasts. They are sticking out. A Lot. Don't worry. It's just that I worked with another person that also was on hormones too".
Supposedly nothing more was going to happen, but I forced him to center on the survey and continue. As he was leaving and out of my home, he still stopped on the door. And asked about my sexual orientation.
"Sorry, that's something I don't like to discuss." And after that I say "I'm bi, but that's something I knew a long time before this".
He says then "I'm bisexual too". And I was thinking like "Please, go away already. Are you hitting on me or what?".
He was feeling rather bad about how I had changed from my relaxed state to my defensive panic mode, completely afraid of him sincce the moment he asked. As a guy I am as confident as ever, but in the moment he tagged me I started feeling afraid and defenceless, vulnerable.
After the door closes I buried my face in the pillows and shouted "F***********************CK".
I don't really have breasts, only pointy nipples. I already had a bit of fat and growth on the chest from my exercising days, but this... Usually I wear really dark clothes that hide things, but I have noticed that they are easily noticed on light coloured clothing. But what worried me more was the fact that I was starting to attract a bit of attention. So far, only two girls have noticed about my real ones, and now I'm worried, specially when meeting my family or the therapists. Nonce of them know that I'm on HRT already. I have a tendency to sabotage my cover, give a lot of cues to people... But only to people I know. I keep it a secret from strangers.
After that I needed to cool off, so I decided to go out and get some parts for my turntable. But not before picking a sports bra from the wardrobe and putting it. Sheeesh. I do a lot of stupid things when I feel lonely, such as this.
