Ok, I'm guessing this is kinda my fault. I never expect to react in this way and panic at this level.


Lately I haven't been able to go back into female mode, between work issues, too much work, lots of weird issues, blah blah blah... Well, mayba I have gotten too confident on some things, specially in one: That I don't have anything that can strike as odd to other people.

Today I was finally operative after recovering from surgery. I was enjoying my first day of vacation, so I went to my parent's place to pick a fan and a cart for transporting things, and started an IKEA safari. Two friends are coming for the weekend, and I am really anxious to see them, after we missed the LGBT parade in June.. I need to buy mattresses, blankets, pillows... Those things, since I live alone I only have things for one person. I meet another friend there, we carry everything into the car and he leaves me at my place. So far, so good... My only plan is to finish cleaning, brush the wig, do my eyebrows, apply nail polish and go back to girl mode tomorrow. I can't stand being in guy mode any more, specially after having to go like that for several reasons during the week.


Or so I thought. I went out to  throw the accumulated trash and one guy askes me to do a blind test and survey for a new brand of non alcoholic beer... Which happens to be the one I usually . buy. I don't have anything better to do, and with this things I feel like helping somebody. I know these jobs and they are though, specially with the weather. I offer him to come to my place and we start the survey, and 30 minutes later we are finished. I have offered him a bit of water, he has used my bathroom, he have discussed a bit about the tablet PC he has used for the survey (I really like those Fujitsu Stylistic). He looks like a nice person, but in the end, he ass something  I was not expecting.


"By the way... Are you taking hormones?"



¿¿¿WHAAAAAATTTTT???

That was my answer. I started panicking a lot, and thinking about what he had seen. Ok, there were two bottles of beard concealer and silicone base for foundation in the bathroom, but he had not advanced more than the kitchen. I already hid the hormones before letting him enter (I haven't been at home for two days)...

In the end I say that yes, I've been for a few months, and... "Is there something that is giving me away?"

"Well... Yes. Your breasts. They are sticking out. A Lot. Don't worry. It's just that I worked with another person that also was on hormones too".

Supposedly nothing more was going to happen, but I forced him to center on the survey and continue. As he was leaving and out of my home, he still stopped on the door. And asked about my sexual orientation.

"Sorry, that's something I don't like to discuss." And after that I say "I'm bi, but that's something I knew a long time before this".

He says then "I'm bisexual too". And I was thinking like "Please, go away already. Are you hitting on me or what?".

He was feeling rather bad about how I had changed from my relaxed state to my defensive panic mode, completely afraid of him sincce the moment he asked. As a guy I am as confident as ever, but in the moment he tagged me I started feeling afraid and defenceless, vulnerable.

After the door closes I buried my face in the pillows and shouted "F***********************CK".

I don't really have breasts, only pointy nipples. I already had a bit of fat and growth on the chest from my exercising days, but this... Usually I wear really dark clothes that hide things, but I have noticed that they are easily noticed on light coloured clothing. But what worried me more was the fact that I was starting to attract a bit of attention. So far, only two girls have noticed about my real ones, and now I'm worried, specially when meeting my family or the therapists. Nonce of them know that I'm on HRT already. I have a tendency to sabotage my cover, give a lot of cues to people... But only to people I know. I keep it a secret from strangers.

After that I needed to cool off, so I decided to go out and get some parts for my turntable. But not before picking a sports bra from the wardrobe and putting it. Sheeesh. I do a lot of stupid things when I feel lonely, such as this.

It might be just me, but I think with sports bra the bulges will become more noticeable than without it... An advice I had been given - stay away from bras as long as You can - You will have a plenty of time ahead to wear one .

Quote from: -Emily- on July 23, 2013, 02:14:14 PM
It might be just me, but I think with sports bra the bulges will become more noticeable than without it... An advice I had been given - stay away from bras as long as You can - You will have a plenty of time ahead to wear one .

For now they hide the pointy things... I used to think that between so many manboobs I was probably safe... Usually I like them to show off, and usually I would threw the sports bra away before leaving, but... He has paid too much attention. More or less in the same level as me, that I rarely miss a detail from people.

Very unprofessional of him.  I'm sorry this man embarrassed you like that. 

For your safety, please never invite anyone doing a survey into your home.  Most companies that want to do a survey will contact you via the phone or internet.  Most people who go door to door for their jobs, like political canvassers, never ask to come inside.  You never know who these people are and you could put yourself at risk.  So make sure you don't do that again.   I'm just saying this because I don't want anything to happen to a fellow forum member.

^ very wise

I hope this does not sound like trigger, but a cis-girl would have never dared to invite him over to her place.

Well people were going to start noticing so you should prolly get used to it. I have been on HRT for five months and every single person I know has noticed and months ago.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on July 23, 2013, 02:34:31 PM
Well people were going to start noticing so you should prolly get used to it. I have been on HRT for five months and every single person I know has noticed and months ago.

Those who see me everyday (I am out only to a couple of persons) still have no idea. But I start getting double looks from complete strangers. So, people's ignorance can be our best ally - if we ourselves are not pushing the limits and dropping hints here and there...

It seems very understandable that you/we MTF will have some challenges renegotiating our relationships with men.  In the past I have been intimate with men and in my mind played my version of the feminine role even as I was physically presenting as male.  That part of hiding and dysphoria are gone but I am only slowly regaining confidence around guys who now check out my breasts and may wonder what it means when we have strong eye contact.  Practice and clarity are essential and help me avoid feeling panicky.
Yes, transitioning comes with some reality checks that I am just learning how to cash;-)  I too feel more vulnerable in many ways and work to keep a level of confidence.
Congratulations on your surgical recovery!

Quote from: Apple Sprout on July 23, 2013, 02:25:43 PM

For now they hide the pointy things... I used to think that between so many manboobs I was probably safe... Usually I like them to show off, and usually I would threw the sports bra away before leaving, but... He has paid too much attention. More or less in the same level as me, that I rarely miss a detail from people.

If you just want to hide the pointy bits you might try Dimrs

I had to get some recently and they seem to work well.

I must be a really horrible person...I have B's, do not hide or shy away from most any conversation...yet I've never had anyone--online or IRL--ask me for any sort of relationship...

That, or else I have one seriously overprotective Guardian Angel!

(And if so, I'm secretly glad about it!)

Btw, "home" should always be a Designated Safe Area...a date shouldn't be there until at least the third date, just because most loons will reveal themselves on the first two dates...(I know, overuse of the word "date", but it was necessary)

Men sure act stupid bout nipples and boobs, reminds me of Bevis and Butthead, " Heheheh, look Butthead, she has nipples "

Yeah Hun you have to remember girl world has different rules like never invite strangers in if your home alone and people do pay way more attention to woman than men. You will have to be more careful now

I don't know Julie,
         It's your call on the beard, but it's way over the top considering where you aspire to be headed. There is definitely an androgynous phase we all go through, some of us are stuck there in non-binary mode for life for various reasons. You might want to take a look in the Androgyne Forum at the Androgyne Subtleties thread, it may be helpful to get a feel of how to put yourself across without hiding out under a beard. If you are MtF and transitioning getting rid of the beard has got to start right away, both laser and electrolysis is a long process and expensive. I went for electrolysis every other week for two years at $60 per hour which pencils out to 52 hour long sessions costing 3 grand so far. I am blonde with very light whiskers and I'm not done yet and finally got fed up and quit altogether. You need to get started on that instead of growing a beard. Just my sisterly advice so don't take it as criticism Julie.

Quote from: Tristan on July 23, 2013, 07:28:26 PM
Yeah Hun you have to remember girl world has different rules like never invite strangers in if your home alone and people do pay way more attention to woman than men. You will have to be more careful now

+1 Apple Sprout, Tristan and the other ladies are so right on, what happened was really creepy hon, don't take those kinds of chances. Home invasions and rapes are in the news all the time, we want you to be safe.

Morning. In retrospective it wasn't such a good idea, and quite unexpected from somebody who greets strangers with an iron bar behind he back (seriously). Loneliness tends to make me quite cranky.

BTW, I am shaving for three exact hairs, mostly because I am used to always shaving before going out. At this time I almost hair free.

Quote from: Apple Sprout on July 24, 2013, 07:17:38 AM
Morning. In retrospective it wasn't such a good idea, and quite unexpected from somebody who greets strangers with an iron bar behind he back (seriously). Loneliness tends to make me quite cranky.

BTW, I am shaving for three exact hairs, mostly because I am used to always shaving before going out. At this time I almost hair free.

Quote<--snip-->By the way... Are you taking hormones?"



¿¿¿WHAAAAAATTTTT???

That was my answer. I started panicking a lot, and thinking about what he had seen. Ok, there were two bottles of beard concealer and silicone base for foundation in the bathroom, but he had not advanced more than the kitchen. I already hid the hormones before letting him enter (I haven't been at home for two days)...<--snip-->

I dunno - I reckon the guy who put that to you as a stranger's getting beyond forwards, and into a realm of 'callous lack of empathy'.  I think I'd have panicked if a salesman gave comment on the dildos and paraphilia in the home that scream out 'homosexual'.

Where's the focus on him, while you panicked--my spider senses went off when I read your post.  I wonder if he was throwing 'shock value' around at you, strategically, and what that says about him.

Next time (if there is a next time)--a terse one liner--for guys like him.  How dare he speak to hormone therapy to a stranger.  My ex was great at one liners (I'm very slow at them, but I've had time to think this one out).

If you're not careful, I'll spike your drink and feed u the tablets.  Now please leave my home before I call the transgender police.  They'll help me feed u the tablets.  Still wanna hit on me? and flash ur pearly whites at him--barr ur teeth--in warning to him.