Doubt & I = My worst own enemy

[EmmaS]

So a few weeks back I posted something about a girl and being torn between myself and her and ultimately I didn't make any decisions and I've just been think a lot. The more and more I think, the more I am doubting myself and everything I worked hard for the 8 months and I can't rationalize why I should stop doubting myself. I don't know why not it's happening but it's just getting progressively harder to be honest. The idea of being a fully passable female makes me so happy, that would be so ideal honestly, but I keep asking myself if I could just suck it up and live as a male and marry a girl and have kids since I already lived as a male for 20 years and I don't absolutely hate being male, I strongly dislike it, but I noticed something about myself yesterday. I was playing basketball at our rec center and I hadn't been able to play in while due to a surgery I had for my lung and I was doing pretty well considering and playing fairly physical as well. That competitiveness as well as drive and masculinity didn't bother me, if anything I enjoyed being that "guy" in those games. I just connected my previous doubt with this as well as the fact that I don't absolutely hate my body, I've had sex with a girl before as a male and although I didn't love it, I didn't hate it either and I was able to function normally. So I asked myself the question, why am I transitioning still? Also should I stop for now and see how I feel? I couldn't find a valid reason for either question, so I find myself full of doubt and in the unknown and I'm still taking hormones and any day I could become permanently sterile. I'm really sorry if this "rant" "esk" but I honestly have no idea what to do. When I made the decision to transition I was 100% sure it was the right decision and I even told everyone in my life that was important to me which says a lot about me because I always portrayed that "straight male" so me coming out was a big deal. So the thought of having to tell them, oh just kidding is also terrifying me as well. I know this is a ton of information to digest, but at this point I didn't know what else to do so I really hope by talking to you all, maybe I can figure out what to do exactly. Sorry again for the long post and thank you all for your support for my transition, it has meant so much to me and it truly has been helping exponentially. Any advice can help!

[AusBelle]

The best thing you can do is to take it slowly.  You'll know after a while which way you really need to go.  You can always go to a very low does of E and see how that works out for you and not run the risk of any permanent changes.

[Heather]

Your only twenty so you do have time to make up your mind and make sure your making the right decision for you. If it not a life or death decision for you you still got time. Your not alone in having doubts everybody has doubts! Just remember make the decision that's right for you and live with no regrets. Your not in a race take your time.

[Aleah]

Emma, I can really relate, I am in almost the same situation as you and go through the same thing from time to time. I just did a post in my blog about my recent bout of "trans conflict". I have this overwhelming desire to transition and have doubts even though my life as a male is no more appealing, it really can tear you apart and leave you in a bad place.

I think it's because we are young, we haven't lived as males for as long as some people to really reach that point of certainty. I've heard several late transitioners mention how they caved to their doubts and fears in their 20s and gone on to transition much later in life. I wouldn't be surprised if this thing was fairly common, it's only human to doubt.

I guess it takes longer to deal with this than I had realised and I know how it feels to not want to "waste time" and how terrifying it is to think about pausing after coming out to everyone. I don't think anyone can really tell you if it's the right thing for you and I really don't think it has to be a "life or death" decision either. Everyone is different with different circumstances and different aspirations.

Just give it time, and sperm bank just in case or consider just lowering your HRT dosages for a while while you figure things out.

[Heather]

I think it's because we are young, we haven't lived as males for as long as some people to really reach that point of certainty. I've heard several late transitioners mention how they caved to their doubts and fears in their 20s and gone on to transition much later in life. I wouldn't be surprised if this thing was fairly common, it's only human to doubt.

I'm not that old but I think the reason is as you get older you realize how short life really is. And you only get one go at it! You don't really think about it in those terms when your in your twenty's you think your going to live forever. At least that the way it was for me.

[AusBelle]

I'm not that old but I think the reason is as you get older you realize how short life really is. And you only get one go at it! You don't really think about it in those terms when your in your twenty's you think your going to live forever. At least that the way it was for me.

I can relate to that.  I suppressed everything at 21 and joined the navy, only to have it all come gushing out at 26 when I almost exploded and had to start to change.  But looking back maybe the time spent bottling it up actually helped.  I'm 46 now and don't regret a thing.

[Heather]

I can relate to that.  I suppressed everything at 21 and joined the navy, only to have it all come gushing out at 26 when I almost exploded and had to start to change.  But looking back maybe the time spent bottling it up actually helped.  I'm 46 now and don't regret a thing.

I could never fully suppress my desire to be myself. I just never thought I would be able to pass as a woman. So I kept faking it until I could no longer stand it. I think can only suppress the feelings for so long. EmmaS may decide not to transition now but sooner or later she'll try to transition. It just hasn't become life or death to her yet. I know cause I've been there and you can only run from this for so long.

[AusBelle]

I could never fully suppress my desire to be myself. I just never thought I would be able to pass as a woman. So I kept faking it until I could no longer stand it. I think can only suppress the feelings for so long. EmmaS may decide not to transition now but sooner or later she'll try to transition. It just hasn't become life or death to her yet. I know cause I've been there and you can only run from this for so long.

Yes, that was sort of my point.  There's nothing wrong with delaying transition for a few years.  Then you can really gauge your feelings.

[JoanneB]

Believe me, the doubts are there at any age and grow more intense with age. After all, you did kind of OK for ____ years trying to be a guy so why should I transition? As you get older you get more and more entrenched into the role of a male. Life may catch up to you in that suddenly you realize there is a wife, kids, extended families. All become crucial to your happiness. All are crucial in any decision making. The decision is no longer about your life, it is also very much about theirs too. Hard factor to ignore when you care about them.

I speak from experience after twice in my twenties experimenting with transitioning before life inevetably got too complicated. Twice I decided to stick with "Normal". My dysphoria wasn't all that bad. I sure didn't meet my personal criteria to fully engage in transitioning. There are other ways I can deal with it besides transitioning. After a number of years faking being a guy, you start to get the hang of it.

Now at age 56 I am right back to where I was in my 20's. Actually in some ways worse off since I now meet many of my personal criteria for transitioning. However these are more than amply countered by the overwhelming responsibilities and commitments I have made in my life. For every good reason I have to transition, I have 2 why I cannot right now.

Fortunately, I can cling to "right now" for hope of a future. Otherwise the countless nights crying myself to sleep or drinking myself into a coma only points to exercising the nuclear option. When the choice comes down to "Do or Die" I know I'm picking do.

[Heather]

Believe me, the doubts are there at any age and grow more intense with age. After all, you did kind of OK for ____ years trying to be a guy so why should I transition? As you get older you get more and more entrenched into the role of a male. Life may catch up to you in that suddenly you realize there is a wife, kids, extended families. All become crucial to your happiness. All are crucial in any decision making. The decision is no longer about your life, it is also very much about theirs too. Hard factor to ignore when you care about them.

I couldn't agree more Once you start a family its no longer about you its about them and that's the way it should be. If I have had a family there is no way I would have started transitioning.

[Emm]

Hey I am not trying to be smart, but just wanna see if what I read is right?

The choices are be happy living as a woman, but have to tell your family and friends and possibly having a bad reaction?(which is more serious then it sounds)

or living as a guy and being okay going through life, also you would more than likely doubt your decision alot?

I have opinions, but wanna know if this is  how it was meant lol

[Aleah]

JoanneB, thanks.

That's probably one of my strongest reasons to set aside my doubts and take the leap of faith on my feelings. Even though sometimes I feel like I should check off more of the criteria boxes for transition as you say, I don't think I will ever have an easier place in my life to do this than now and my parents are being supportive so far.

[Heather]

Hey I am not trying to be smart, but just wanna see if what I read is right?

The choices are be happy living as a woman, but have to tell your family and friends and possibly having a bad reaction?(which is more serious then it sounds)

or living as a guy and being okay going through life, also you would more than likely doubt your decision alot?

I have opinions, but wanna know if this is  how it was meant lol

Well I Don't know if I ever could have gone through life and just been OK with being a guy. I would have ended up killing myself somehow. I cannot see myself growing old as a man and being happy. For me the choice of being myself was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but for me it was the right decision.  And I do know the seriousness of telling family and friends. I know that all to well.

[Emm]

Heather that says you are not okay being a guy, the original poster EmmaS is okay with being a guy.

It's more about if that is the issue being okay to live a life of the standards of okayness(Yeah I made that up)

Do you want to live an okay life with less worries or do you want to strive for happiness with temporary worries?(Though there is alot more to this than what it sounds like)

[AusBelle]

At the end of the day each individual has to do what is right for themselves.

Just because the OP is having these doubts right at the moment doesn't mean she won't change her mind next week.  These forums are full of people who have thought about or started transitioning then backed away for what ever reason.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Just because I did something one way or someone else did something another way, doesn't mean that will be right for everyone.  It normally never is.  Everyone has doubts about something.  It's only natural.

[EmmaS]

It's hard for me to really determine if I would be okay or not, this could easily be me freaking out and saying I'm okay as a guy, for me to make a serious decision before to transition really suggests to me that I was not okay with being in male physical body anymore but at the same time there is that doubt. I really appreciate you all telling me how you all experienced this doubt as well and it really really sucks. I just feel absolutely torn apart and unsure of what to do exactly. I know I was serious when I made the commitment to transition because I completely "came out" to those who I knew and that was something I would never do unless I felt i absolutely had to, so thoughts like that reconfirm my decision to transition, but really it's like an internal struggle.

[Heather]

Heather that says you are not okay being a guy, the original poster EmmaS is okay with being a guy.

It's more about if that is the issue being okay to live a life of the standards of okayness(Yeah I made that up)

Do you want to live an okay life with less worries or do you want to strive for happiness with temporary worries?(Though there is alot more to this than what it sounds like)

I think you tell by my profile picture which life I have chosen. Why would I want to live just a OK life that sounds so boring and miserable. As far as EmmaS is concerned I understand where she is coming from she thinks she will be able to live a normal life with her which could happen. But knowing how young people are what happens if she breaks up with her? She is more than likely to be right back questioning her gender all over again. and regretting the fact she did not keep going on the path she was on. But in a way EmmaS kind of reminds me of myself when I was her age. She could very well end up in a life long relationship with this girl. But these issues are still going to be with EmmaS and she will have to face them again someday. But back to me can I live an OK life as a guy I don't think I can. A life with less worries sounds great but it not in the cards for me. Even when I was trying to live my life as a guy I had a ton of worries. The constant lying,paranoia,and fear of being discovered. Was driving me crazy! So I'm striving for happiness I can deal with the worries now. But I can't deal with them for the rest of my life. Like i would had I stayed a guy. Hope that answers your question.

[Riley Skye]

Emma your best bet is to be patient and try to find an area where you can comfortably live. Enjoy both the feminine and masculine parts of yourself. I can relate in the sense that when i compete in sport I feel terribly masculine and love it. Even though I have my masculine moments I'm still needing to transition. You just have to find the right balance in your life and embrace it. Its a process and take time, like me you're young you got time!

[Bexi]

That sounds incredibly similar to my situation, though I was a soccer gal rather than basketball!

I had the exact same doubts! I'd keep thinking that this was all 'just a phase', or I'd 'grow out of it' and realise how silly I was. That one day, I'd wake up and think this isn't for me.

But, you know what, that was almost two years ago now. Time passes quickly.

I still have the occasional doubt but that doesn't stop me from realizing that - whilst they have been hard, very hard - the past two years are amongst the happiest of my life. I'm finally living as who I am. I finally like what I see in the mirror and I'm enjoying life again.

We only live once, so I'm sure as hell going to live it the way that makes me happiest

x

[Staci]

I've been there,  I doubted most of the way through my transition but the driving fact was I was happy as a girl and unhappy as a boy.  I tried the marriage thing and everything and I look back and in my experience I would have been much happier had I just been a girl.  I never hated my masculinity, I just preferred being feminine.  Being competitive and good at a sport doesn't mean you can't be a girl and play sports.  Just be honest with yourself and follow what makes you happy.