Ok I Admit It

[FreshGuy]

Perhaps it is the 3 hours of sleep I got but I still have not read one single reason as to why you insist you are a transsexual. If you ask any of us we can without a second of hesitation rattle off a half dozen or more good reasons we are. I suspect about twice that many reasons why we shouldn't be or don't want to be. Yet we know that we are. Not guess, not think, not well, lets try this and see. But a visceral This really sucks but what can I do, I am trans.

The thought about being a transsexual popped into my head last year and I haven't been able to get rid of it. Also I've read that transsexuals go through a stage of denial so I could be in that stage and sometimes when I read things written by transsexuals about their experiences, I see some similarities sometimes and it scares me. Being worried about being trans has caused me lots of anxiety and has made me depressed and suicidal on occasions. I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.

Here are some other reasons that made me think I was but these are more to do
With gender expressions which I read don't always correlate with being trans:

Because one of my friends said I was effeminate because I had drawn smiley faces on price tags at a cake sale we were doing.

Because I do some feminine things such as Zumba and I like songs such as 'Run The Worlds (Girls) and Single Ladies by Beyonce which are both about girls and female empowerment and stuff. Even though I like them cos they are fun and upbeat so they could be indicators

In secondary school, most of my close friends were girls


Also I have a pair of pink boxer shorts and I'm worried that that is a sign of my transsexualism.

[Elspeth]

Do you know any good (affordable) counsellors in London?

UK Support Groups -- I recommend support groups only because you may be able to get some better info from local girls who have an opinion on who is good and who is not to be trusted. Not all therapists who "serve" transgendered (and questioning) clients are doing so with clean motives.

UK Therapists -- Unfortunately this listing is not comprehensive, nor is it split up according to local areas, but I'd imagine London has more options than anywhere else in the UK... you may do better in some ways with a Google search or a search through some kind of psych referral index, if there's one for the UK similar to those I've seen for the US.

[bethany]

The thought about being a transsexual popped into my head last year and I haven't been able to get rid of it. Also I've read that transsexuals go through a stage of denial so I could be in that stage and sometimes when I read things written by transsexuals about their experiences, I see some similarities sometimes and it scares me. Being worried about being trans has caused me lots of anxiety and has made me depressed and suicidal on occasions. I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.

Here are some other reasons that made me think I was but these are more to do
With gender expressions which I read don't always correlate with being trans:

Because one of my friends said I was effeminate because I had drawn smiley faces on price tags at a cake sale we were doing.

Because I do some feminine things such as Zumba and I like songs such as 'Run The Worlds (Girls) and Single Ladies by Beyonce which are both about girls and female empowerment and stuff. Even though I like them cos they are fun and upbeat so they could be indicators

In secondary school, most of my close friends were girls


Also I have a pair of pink boxer shorts and I'm worried that that is a sign of my transsexualism.

The thought just does not suddenly pop into someone's head that they are transgendered, gay, bi or what ever. either you know or you not, its not a guessing game, or lets try this for a while. and as far as owning pink boxers really is that even an argument towards you being TG? Sorry OP I have to agree with the others I'm just not seeing it.

[FreshGuy]

The thought just does not suddenly pop into someone's head that they are transgendered, gay, bi or what ever. either you know or you not, its not a guessing game, or lets try this for a while. and as far as owning pink boxers really is that even an argument towards you being TG? Sorry OP I have to agree with the others I'm just not seeing it.

But I read that some transgendered people don't find out until later in life and not all of them feel born in the wrong body or know it during childhood so that added to my worry

[kelly_aus]

The thought about being a transsexual popped into my head last year and I haven't been able to get rid of it. Also I've read that transsexuals go through a stage of denial so I could be in that stage and sometimes when I read things written by transsexuals about their experiences, I see some similarities sometimes and it scares me. Being worried about being trans has caused me lots of anxiety and has made me depressed and suicidal on occasions. I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.

Denial for me lasted about 22 years - I knew the whole time that I was not who and what I pretended to be. I just took me a while to accept it - knowing and accepting are 2 different things.

Here are some other reasons that made me think I was but these are more to do
With gender expressions which I read don't always correlate with being trans:

Because one of my friends said I was effeminate because I had drawn smiley faces on price tags at a cake sale we were doing.

I know guys that would do this - mostly gay guys..

Because I do some feminine things such as Zumba and I like songs such as 'Run The Worlds (Girls) and Single Ladies by Beyonce which are both about girls and female empowerment and stuff. Even though I like them cos they are fun and upbeat so they could be indicators

Again, I know plenty of guys that would do this.. Music is music and people will like what they like.. Does the fact I like and listen to a lot of late 80's and early 90's hard rock and metal make me less of a woman? And just because you do an activity that is allegedly feminine, doesn't make you a woman..

In secondary school, most of my close friends were girls

So were mine.. And they all just thought I was a gay guy..

Also I have a pair of pink boxer shorts and I'm worried that that is a sign of my transsexualism.

Pink boxers make you trans? Seriously? WTF...

I'm sorry, I'm still not seeing anything that really says to me you are trans. I have had a hint or 2 of ashamed gay guy though..

[Elspeth]

I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.

Whatever else may be going on for you, even if (after you've spent some time in depth with a therapist) you come to the conclusion that you do experience gender dysphoria (though it does tend to sound like you may just worry way too much), others have said this already, but you don't seem to have read it.

No one has to have a sex change. Cultures in the past did not even have the technology for this, or the understanding of how hormones worked, or have the means to deliver them adequately if they had. 

Granted, Alan Turing was coerced by a court into taking oestrogen (the UK spelling), but the fact that it led to his suicide is a pretty strong hint that he was gay, not transsexual. Now that was a pretty brutal and primitive moment in medical history, but it's not today.

No one today is likely to coerce you into GRS or HRT or anything you do not want, unless, perhaps, you manage to believe that others are socially persuading you... and that certainly doesn't seem to be happening here.  I do think, however, that you probably need to sort things out for yourself. No one can be sure you're not in denial, but wearing pink boxers is not going to change your sex, and there are some pretty butch dudes who have worn pink without it even making them gay.

I don't want to trivialize your concerns... the bad experience with that dick of a boyfriend you recounted would have messed with my head too.  But for me, the only insights that came from some similar experiences were that some guys (and especially, it seems, the ones who have come onto me) have had their own issues and insecurities. Being rejected by someone who may have been acting on his own internalized homophobia is really not indicative of anything other than that the guy is a dick.

[FreshGuy]

Ok, thank you for your replies.

If I am not trans then I don't know what to do. Thinking I was has been such a big part of my life since last April. I'm not used to not worrying about it. I know that probably sounds silly but because I have spent so much time thinking about it and I've given it so much mental effort.
I'm hoping that this is it resolved now then

[Liminal Stranger]

But I read that some transgendered people don't find out until later in life and not all of them feel born in the wrong body or know it during childhood so that added to my worry

Okay, I didn't know my whole life. I wore tutus. Pink ones. But I also dug for worms and had several incidents that I would now say were suspiciously non-binary. Puberty pretty much sealed it for me, and when I found out about trans* folk, I found a home and people- real, mentally healthy people- who shared such horrible dysphoria. I fantasized about cutting certain hated parts off during particularly bad times.

Some find out later. You may or may not be trans* but nobody's forcing your hand. I didn't want to be, and I'm not proud of the fact that there's a mismatch, but it's irrefutable that I am male where it counts and my body just doesn't understand that it should be too. You shouldn't feel that anyone is forcing you to be a girl. The thought of it, if you were a transsexual, would be liberating like nothing else. The fact that it's the opposite makes me think that at the least you aren't TS. Not to say that this revokes membership from some elite club or anything. It sounds like you're questioning. You could turn out to be a transwoman, or non-binary, or an effeminate man, and all of those are okay to be. You just don't seem like you are a transsexual, and whatever you do, don't self-medicate in order to transition. Go talk things over with a therapist. Question yourself. Most importantly, give it time. There's no snap decision made here; these things take time.

[kelly_aus]

Ok, thank you for your replies.

If I am not trans then I don't know what to do. Thinking I was has been such a big part of my life since last April. I'm not used to not worrying about it. I know that probably sounds silly but because I have spent so much time thinking about it and I've given it so much mental effort.
I'm hoping that this is it resolved now then

I honestly think you need to see a therapist to sort yourself out.. You certainly have some issues, I just don't think being trans is the problem..

[Elspeth]

I honestly think you need to see a therapist to sort yourself out.. You certainly have some issues, I just don't think being trans is the problem..

I agree with Kelly, that your most pressing problems at the moment are not necessarily whether you are or are not female-identified. But we also really only know what you are typing. We're not people who've been with you from April onward or earlier. You shouldn't take the reactions of strangers to some frankly contradictory statements you've written as meaning anything one way or another about your essential identity.

I would say the first thing to do would be to find a way to discuss this as calmly as you can with someone actually qualified, probably face-to-face, though in some cases some practitioners will also do sessions via Skype. My son (who identifies as trans now after a few years in limbo) is consulting a gender therapist whose practice is centered near where he'll be entering college this fall. He's communicating with her via Skype now, in part, because he's in a gap year program roughly 400 miles from where his college is located.  I don't know whether this sort of thing is accepted practice in the UK or not, and I would expect someone to want to see you in person several times (at least) before going remote. And in your case, I don't know how someone might look at that option. Pretty sure they'd want to have gotten a sense of you, though, in some less reactive moods.

Don't assume things are resolved. Maybe a session or two with someone will in fact clarify things for you? But I'm hearing so many different things in what you've shared that I don't think it would be wise to assume anything about you, at least not conclusively, based only on this particular encounter.

I think we're all trying hard to be careful not to give you any leading ideas or project ourselves onto your issues. Because that won't help anyone, and, please forgive me for saying so, and I mean it in the kindest way, but it seems like you are highly suggestible. 

Feel welcome to share what you discover about yourself, and to express yourself in your own words here, but most of us have been through some kind of lengthy therapy on our own issues, and many of us have gone through denial in various forms. I can't say I have seen one quite as flip-floppy as yours, but that's probably irrelevant.  Few of us are qualified therapists, and those who are are surely not going to draw firm conclusions about you based on a few forum posts.

[Emily Aster]

I'm with you Joanne, I'm not seeing a whole lot that screams the OP is trans - just the opposite in fact.. I see things that suggest to me that the OP might be a CD or a TV, but trans? I'm not seeing it..

I agree with this too. There's definitely a transgender aspect to their postings, but not to the extreme of requiring a full transition. I've had thoughts where I feel like I'd rather not transition because of all the turmoil it could cause, but choosing death over a transition? That's not normally something you hear from a trans person, just the opposite. I'd definitely see a therapist before making any decisions on this one that would take you past crossdressing.

[kinz]

The thought just does not suddenly pop into someone's head that they are transgendered, gay, bi or what ever. either you know or you not, its not a guessing game, or lets try this for a while. and as far as owning pink boxers really is that even an argument towards you being TG? Sorry OP I have to agree with the others I'm just not seeing it.

it doesn't, unless it does.  there is no One True Trans Narrative.  c'mon, y'all know better than that.

nor are there "arguments" for being trans.  it's like, if you are, you are, and if you aren't, you aren't.
but it can take time for people to figure that out for themselves, can take time for poorly formed thoughts to become clear, and can definitely conflict with external social motivations and pressures.

[Henna]

I find it a bit strange, that people who don't know OP, are saying that OP is not a transsexual. Only OP can know it.

The one thing in common that I can see with OP, is the fact that we both are overanalyzing, especially in my mid-twenties I was really over the top so to speak in self-analyzing, which lead to a total self-destruction.

My one and only piece of advice to OP is: Stop over-analyzing yourself. Stop reading and believing everything you read on internet, including also this forum. Take everything with a grain of salt.

You are essentially drowning your inner voice to such a brain storm that you are doing. Stop it and listen to yourself.

[Emily Aster]

I find it a bit strange, that people who don't know OP, are saying that OP is not a transsexual. Only OP can know it.

I can't speak for the rest, but my own statement didn't say they weren't trans, although I guess it could be read that way. I was saying I personally didn't think they were and that they should see a therapist to sort it all out before doing anything aside from experimentation.

[bethany]

it doesn't, unless it does.  there is no One True Trans Narrative.  c'mon, y'all know better than that.

nor are there "arguments" for being trans.  it's like, if you are, you are, and if you aren't, you aren't.
but it can take time for people to figure that out for themselves, can take time for poorly formed thoughts to become clear, and can definitely conflict with external social motivations and pressures.

Your right, I should have worded that differentially. I should had said that for me the thought did not just pop into my head.

It seems to me that most have harboured thoughts and feelings that they are tg for a good long while. Maybe the OP is trans maybe their not. Only they know for sure. But they should seek help to figure out whats going on.   

[FreshGuy]

I was happy because I thought I wasn't trans (based on your answers) now you all seem to be suggesting that maybe I am trans afterall

Tbh, I just wanna get some oestrogen and see how it makes me feel but I know that probably ain't the best option cos I need to do things properly through a therapist. I was happy when I thought I could have stayed as a boy but maybe I can't

[Bexi]

I was happy because I thought I wasn't trans (based on your answers) now you all seem to be suggesting that maybe I am trans afterall

No, what they have been saying is that we don't know if you are trans or not. There is no set way to transition, no one same starting point. You may be trans. You may not be trans, but only you know, deep inside, whether you are or not.

Tbh, I just wanna get some oestrogen and see how it makes me feel but I know that probably ain't the best option cos I need to do things properly through a therapist. I was happy when I thought I could have stayed as a boy but maybe I can't

Yeah, probably best if you didn't do that.

Arrange a meeting with a therapist and talk it out with them. Tell them your worries and desires and feelings regarding the subject, and they can suggest where to proceed.

[Anna++]

I was happy because I thought I wasn't trans (based on your answers) now you all seem to be suggesting that maybe I am trans afterall

Tbh, I just wanna get some oestrogen and see how it makes me feel but I know that probably ain't the best option cos I need to do things properly through a therapist. I was happy when I thought I could have stayed as a boy but maybe I can't

No, don't do that.  My impression is that you're still in "panic mode" and the worst thing you could do right now is to start changing your body chemistry on top of everything.

What everybody is saying is that it's not our place to tell you if you're trans or not.  We just met you, and we don't know that much about you yet.  Please try not to think about it too much and see how that makes you feel.  Read other people's posts here, and see what you relate to and what you don't.  And most importantly, please try to realize that even if you are trans: it's not the end of the world.

[FreshGuy]

Ok, thanks guys! I just feel like I need to know what I am so I can go ahead and transition or just stay as I already am

Ok, I understand what you mean about it maybe not being your place to say if I am or not but I thought that surely other trans people would know if I am it not as they have been through the same/similar situations.

Also, if I'm in panic mode, is that one of the early stages of being trans?

Also people have said that I might just be a CD or TV but I read that most TS start out as CDs so I could just be at an early stage

I'm really scared about going to a trans support group cos if it turns out I am not a trans then I don't wanna waste their time. Also if we have mutual friends then they might find out.

[FreshGuy]

And everyone is saying that only I know if I am trans but I don't know that is one of the reasons I joined the forum.