Body dysphoria and intimacy

[insideontheoutside]

Thought I'd just start this thread over here so more guys who either have been in intimate relationships or currently are may see it ...

Basically I'd like to hear how any of you approach being intimate with a female. And also how that partner reacts/has reacted to you. I have trouble trying to comprehend a statement like, "I only see you as male" when the parts don't match. Mostly I think it's because of my own insecurities and body issues that if I can't even imagine looking past certain things (and I have a great imagination!) how can other people? Also, just logistics of the whole thing. Obviously it's not the same as when a regular guy gets with a girl.

Sharing of any tips or tricks on being with someone in that capacity, yet also enjoying yourself would be good too.

[geek]

maybe triggers..

Well, for me its been much, much easier since i started testosterone, and then easier still now that I've started pumping, it helps because when i fly solo, i can use the same actions as a bioboy, as in jerking and such, anyways! back to the main question, it really for me took a LOT of trust in my partner, she has known about my 'transliness' since we first met, but thats not to say she knew what to expect, I'm still her first transguy and we've had to learn together, i find that i get phantom limb a lot, so that makes using strapons easier for me mentally, I've tried the feeldo only so far, and after getting it through my head that its OKAY and normal to utilise what i have already got, thats been easier getting through the insertion thing, i find the thing that helps me the best is that she calls my junk, male names, we have a little trouble with naming a CERTAIN part of it, and i had a bit of trouble hearing "youre so wet" for the first time, i nearly died the first time i let 'i want you inside of me' slip out of my mouth but really its a trust thing, and it'll be enjoyable as long as you don't over think it, theres a myriad of tools available for you to use available for you if you're more interested in the more 'normal' styles of sex, but use your imagination, trust your partner, and just go with it, turn your brain off, and just relax, she/he isn't going to be judging you if you've been honest with your trans* status

im not sure i even answered one question lol :3 sorry but i tried

[Kreuzfidel]

I struggle with intimacy still and have been in a sexual relationship with my wife for 3 years now.  I still have never allowed her to see me naked (I wear my binder and jocks during sex) and I will not allow her to touch me "down there" nor touch my chest.  I know she only sees me as a man, but I can't stand the thought of my body being seen or tpuched by anyone, especially her.  We use a strapon for intercourse and most times I fail to orgasm because I'm trying too hard to please her and because I am self-conscious.

[Josh]

maybe triggers..

Well, for me its been much, much easier since i started testosterone, and then easier still now that I've started pumping, it helps because when i fly solo, i can use the same actions as a bioboy, as in jerking and such, anyways! back to the main question, it really for me took a LOT of trust in my partner, she has known about my 'transliness' since we first met, but thats not to say she knew what to expect, I'm still her first transguy and we've had to learn together, i find that i get phantom limb a lot, so that makes using strapons easier for me mentally, I've tried the feeldo only so far, and after getting it through my head that its OKAY and normal to utilise what i have already got, thats been easier getting through the insertion thing, i find the thing that helps me the best is that she calls my junk, male names, we have a little trouble with naming a CERTAIN part of it, and i had a bit of trouble hearing "youre so wet" for the first time, i nearly died the first time i let 'i want you inside of me' slip out of my mouth but really its a trust thing, and it'll be enjoyable as long as you don't over think it, theres a myriad of tools available for you to use available for you if you're more interested in the more 'normal' styles of sex, but use your imagination, trust your partner, and just go with it, turn your brain off, and just relax, she/he isn't going to be judging you if you've been honest with your trans* status

im not sure i even answered one question lol :3 sorry but i tried

this is exact for me. Every word no lie

[supremecatoverlord]

Why would post a thread about body dysphoria when you're so against getting the surgeries that might correct it? A lot of people have this intimacy issues and can't get over them otherwise.

[AdamMLP]

Jason, surgeries never came into the question, so I'm not sure why you thought it necessary to bring it up...

Anyway, when I met my girlfriend she didn't know I was anything but lesbian, and I thought that things wouldn't last long enough for it to be a real issue. Then I got too scared of losing her so didn't dare come out and then she found out, and things have even got better since then. Sex-wise its normally her pleasuring me up until recently because she has some body image issues, and while I quite enjoy getting my shirt off because I view that as a manly act, and dont mind trousers off if I can't see, she has never gotten fully naked in front of anyone until recently.

Penetration doesn't bother me because there are parts there that feel awesome and might as well be utilised. I don't like wastage of anything, hehe. I get a little dysphoric when touching her because I don't have a penis to use, but I'm hoping to be able to one day convince her to let me use a strap on. The only time I really get dysphoric with this sort of stuff is when I'm not getting "distracted" enough, ie if she wants to go again and my brain is more on sleep by then.

[spacerace]

When someone says "I only see you as male" it doesn't mean necessarily that they think you match up 1:1 to a cisguy, or that they're just playing along to make you feel better. It probably just means, "you're you, and I am attracted to you, so stop squabbling over details and get over here"

[FTMDiaries]

Basically I'd like to hear how any of you approach being intimate with a female.

Erm... yah. Intimate with a female? No thanks. I've never been intimate with a female in my entire life (unless you count Mrs Palm and her five daughters) and I never plan to be intimate with a female.

My problem is somewhat different: I'm married to a heterosexual cismale who enjoys the traditional forms of intimacy. I've tried dealing with my dysphoria over this for many years now but it got to the point last year where I just couldn't cope with taking the female role during intimacy. I have to have the lights off & everything but that isn't enough any more. I cried my eyes out the last few times we did it.

He tries to be as understanding as possible so we use other positions, but one of my big problems is that I can't do to him what he can do to me. So my future will have to involve divorce and moving on to a gay/bi partner. Then I'll have to deal with the problem of gay guys generally liking a decent set of equipment... I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[supremecatoverlord]

Jason, surgeries never came into the question, so I'm not sure why you thought it necessary bring up...
P

Because surgery is a common solution for those who suffer with body dysphoria? That's actually more than implied in my initial post, and being this thread is about body dysphoria (and more than likely, fixing it), I think it's more than relevant and necessary.

[AdamMLP]

Because surgery is a common solution for those who suffer with body dysphoria? That's actually more than implied in my initial post, and being this thread is about body dysphoria (and more than likely, fixing it), I think it's more than relevant and necessary.

Yeah I get that, but I saw the question as more asking how people go about dealing with intimacy and their parts and looking for solutions other than surgery as we call know that's not on insideontheoutside's cards.  It's probably not your intention but your phrasing sounded like it's not okay to ask the question if you're not willing to have surgery, and surgery isn't something to be taken lightly.  I don't like second guessing people, but a lot of your posts seem a little too harsh on those who don't want to go all out with everything that's medically available for us, and it would be nice to see some more sensitivity towards those who've weighed up the risks and decided that they personally outweigh the benefits.

[geek]

Yeah I get that, but I saw the question as more asking how people go about dealing with intimacy and their parts and looking for solutions other than surgery as we call know that's not on insideontheoutside's cards.  It's probably not your intention but your phrasing sounded like it's not okay to ask the question if you're not willing to have surgery, and surgery isn't something to be taken lightly.  I don't like second guessing people, but a lot of your posts seem a little too harsh on those who don't want to go all out with everything that's medically available for us, and it would be nice to see some more sensitivity towards those who've weighed up the risks and decided that they personally outweigh the benefits.

I agree with this entirely, I've just been to coward to say so.

[sneakersjay]

When I was still seen as F, sex bored me to tears and I was jealous of my husband's anatomy. However, being horny, I eventually just let him do his thing and focused on how things felt, not that my body was wrong. 

Sex as a man with a man is much better for me, even though my cis-male partner has issues that prevent sex in its traditional form from occurring.

Sometimes you just have to employ your imaginoscope to get into the moment.

Jay

[Zerro]

The few times I've been intimate, I've just sort of taken control and done all the touching/giving(with her consent, of course) and finished myself off later. It's a little more bearable if I'm the one getting myself off. I feel ashamed and suicidal if someone else touches me below the belt. :/

[Nero]

Well, I'm not currently with a female. And honestly, I'm not as sexually 'free' with females as I am males so, probably no help on that front. I haven't really had too many intimacy issues since I was a teen. Back then, I had penetration issues and once I overcame that was a lot more free. As far as my chest, I just wore a shirt during.

As far as how the partner reacts, I can't recall ever getting 'I only see you as male'. Instead, straight men would make references to how I was making them feel like a woman. And no, they didn't say it in a way that they minded. I think you should just take what she says at face value. Does it really matter whether she sees you as 100% male as long as you're clearly taking the male role? I mean, it's sex.

I think for guys like you and me who aren't having bottom surgery, it's best to try to make peace with your parts. If you can. Just get comfortable being a guy who happens to have a certain body.

As far as logistics, I don't know what you're willing to do and not do. Plastic penetration doesn't do a lot for me. I mean, I can sometimes just pleasure a partner and be done if I care enough about them. But normally, I got to get mine too. I want their face down there (and more if they've got a penis). I need flesh to flesh contact. Unlike a lot of guys, I haven't had any issues with PIV since I started engaging it. Though I had a lot of penetration dysphoria before I ever had it. I have control issues though. I've got to drive the whole thing from start to finish. It doesn't seem as bad with females. But it sometimes makes it difficult to let go and orgasm in front of someone.

I don't have much advice on being with females. I'm still not very comfortable with them. But with guys before transition, I just didn't pay much mind to whether my parts were right or not. I was the man in the interaction, no matter what we were doing. I knew it, they knew it. As long as they submitted to me like a woman, why would I care? And you're the man with this girl, so just relax and be the man. If you fear she's just placating you by saying 'I think of you as a man', show her you're the man. Make her forget the name of every cis guy she's ever had. Then she won't just 'think' of you as a man, she'll KNOW.

[insideontheoutside]

Why would post a thread about body dysphoria when you're so against getting the surgeries that might correct it? A lot of people have this intimacy issues and can't get over them otherwise.

It's pretty clear you and I don't see eye to eye but why do you have to come in and post a response like this? It's super you found a way to "fix" your issues, but not everyone is you and no matter what, at the end of the day, you're never going to have a fully functioning penis either so maybe some other people's input here might actually help you out in the future?

.... after getting it through my head that its OKAY and normal to utilise what i have already got, thats been easier getting through the insertion thing, i find the thing that helps me the best is that she calls my junk, male names, we have a little trouble with naming a CERTAIN part of it, and i had a bit of trouble hearing "youre so wet" for the first time, i nearly died the first time i let 'i want you inside of me' slip out of my mouth but really its a trust thing, and it'll be enjoyable as long as you don't over think it....

I'm glad to see a response like this because it means that people can get over stuff. I honestly can't ever see myself wanting the insertion thing (that's just me) or using any phrases that kind of scream female to me (again, just me personally).

I think for guys like you and me who aren't having bottom surgery, it's best to try to make peace with your parts. If you can. Just get comfortable being a guy who happens to have a certain body.

Yeah ... that's pretty much what I'm after is just finding ways to be comfortable with what I do have. I never had any experience with guys that went beyond making out (so I've never been the penetratee, if you will) and I've never really had a good sexual experience, so I have some other issues to get over besides just the body thing. But hearing other people's viewpoints and how they've dealt with certain things is definitely helpful.

The few times I've been intimate, I've just sort of taken control and done all the touching/giving(with her consent, of course) and finished myself off later. It's a little more bearable if I'm the one getting myself off. I feel ashamed and suicidal if someone else touches me below the belt. :/

I know exactly how this is, unfortunately!

[DriftingCrow]

I think I am like some of the other guys who've posted on here; I rather please my partner then have them do anything to me. I enjoy pleasing others, and it usually just has always felt awkward having anyone do anything to me. I've never tried strap-ons, but I always imagined that I would like that.

Because surgery is a common solution for those who suffer with body dysphoria? That's actually more than implied in my initial post, and being this thread is about body dysphoria (and more than likely, fixing it), I think it's more than relevant and necessary.

I've talked to some transguys who've had surgery and they still suffer from body dysphoria. Surgery can help, but it isn't always a 100% fix for everyone.

[Mosaic dude]

Another vote here for "attracted to women, but finds it very difficult to be intimate with women".  However, this is getting easier for me.  As I come to be more comfortable with who/what I am, my sexuality definitely slides more towards heterosexual.  For me the problem is largely a kind of paranoia because

1)  I don't feel comfortable with women
2)  I don't like touching or looking at my own entertainment system, and I'm scared I'll freak out if I get up close and personal with a woman's.  It's really rude and offensive to freak out on your lover's equipment.

As to number 1, that's just because I suck at being a woman and don't fit in with women.  Knowing that I'm not supposed to fit in is gradually eroding that one, and that is the biggest problem for me.  To address problem number 2 I basically rely on getting horny enough to shut down the part of my brain that handles dysphoria.  To put it crudely but accurately, the need to shoot my load is usually strong enough to override the dysphoria, and that takes care of physical intimacy.  I also find porn really helpful in terms of getting comfortable with the fact that women's genitalia looks a lot like mine.

My two cents on surgery: even if the cock fairy magically sorted out my trouser problem right now, that wouldn't make it much easier for me to be intimate with women.  It's not really about the equipment.

[geek]

My two cents on surgery: even if the cock fairy magically sorted out my trouser problem right now

thats like.. my dream ^_^"

[Mosaic dude]

thats like.. my dream ^_^"

Mine too, even though it wouldn't really help me have relationships with women.

[geek]

Mine too, even though it wouldn't really help me have relationships with women.

yeah.. but you'd be able to pee out windows and do crazy things without having to worry about your STP falling out  and play helicopters.. or wearing glow in the dark condoms so you could pretend it was a lightsaber so.. its still worth it