Finally came out to my mom

[Trixie]

I came out to my mom.

She was accepting of my sexuality, but says I ought not to get a "sex change" (her words) because the people she knows who've done that aren't "physically healthy". I don't know what she even meant by that, but I wasn't going to argue.

I told her I was bisexual too (which she seems to have taken as "I'm gay", despite me explicitly saying I like both men and woman), and probably shouldn't have. She made my sexuality the centre of conversation and not my gender, and also says that she thinks my gender confusion arises from that. I don't think so, but I couldn't really argue.

I'll be going to a therapist soon, but not a gender therapist. I couldn't get that, I'm afraid. I don't know that this therapist will actually help me. I'm sure not.

*sigh*

So, I'm not sure if I'm heading in the right direction or not, or if I'm going to wind up being able to see a therapist and transitioning soon or not. I should be glad that she loves me and cares for me so, but I feel I'm still kind of in the same spot I was in: trapped. The only difference being that my mom knows now.

[Bexi]

Even though it may not seem so, its still progress  . Think of what you've accomplished:

1. Your mum knows that you desire to transition.
2. She knows you have issues with your sexuality.
3. A therapist is still a therapist.

The therapist can (probably) still offer a solution of sorts, and may recommend you see a gender specialist. Also, they may be able to help advise you on how broach the subject of transitioning with your mother. It seems to me, she's having a bit of a struggle to accept it, and instead focusing on the issue of your sexuality.

But its still progress, and hopefully will get the ball rolling 
X

[Trixie]

1. Your mum knows that you desire to transition.

Not quite. I didn't say this super explicitly. I was probably too compromising, and trying to soften the blow. I told her I'd rather be a girl, but not that I want to transition. I could tell from her tone that she'd not understand and I was afraid of possibly jeopardizing my chances of seeing a therapist. She might have read between the lines and got that. I'm not totally sure.

[Bexi]

Not quite. I didn't say this super explicitly. I was probably too compromising, and trying to soften the blow. I told her I'd rather be a girl, but not that I want to transition. I could tell from her tone that she'd not understand and I was afraid of possibly jeopardizing my chances of seeing a therapist. She might have read between the lines and got that. I'm not totally sure.

Ah, gotcha.

How do you think she would react? Its an awkward situation, because normally I would advocate telling her, but since (I assume) you live at home, she might not be accepting and may cause all sorts of problems that way.

Just like between fathers and daughters, mums always have strong attachment to their sons, so it may just be she's taking a little while to let it sink in. Or you could remind her that instead of losing a son, she's gaining a daughter.

The safest way may be to go to the therapist, tell them of your situation and hopefully they can advise on how best to proceed.

[Trixie]

Ah, gotcha.

How do you think she would react? Its an awkward situation, because normally I would advocate telling her, but since (I assume) you live at home, she might not be accepting and may cause all sorts of problems that way.

Just like between fathers and daughters, mums always have strong attachment to their sons, so it may just be she's taking a little while to let it sink in. Or you could remind her that instead of losing a son, she's gaining a daughter.

The safest way may be to go to the therapist, tell them of your situation and hopefully they can advise on how best to proceed.

I don't live with her. No worries about that.

I'm not totally sure how she'd react. I don't know if it benefits me to explicitly tell her or not. I don't think she'd mind me being girly. I've always been girly. She knows that. I think she'd not want me taking hormones and changing my body though. She'd see it as me harming myself or doing something unnecessary and unhealthy.

She works in the medical field. She knows full-well what seeing a gender therapist could mean, and so I'm somewhat afraid to say that that's what I want.

I'm not sure what to do.

I guess see the regular therapist, and hope he directs me to a gender therapist, as you said?

[Bexi]

I think she'd not want me taking hormones and changing my body though. She'd see it as me harming myself or doing something unnecessary and unhealthy.

But what's the alternative? Remaining as you are, in a body that gives you discomfort, that doesn't feel right, a body that possibly causes dysphoria and depression?

Sure, you'll be changing your body, for a good reason. But you'll also be changing yourself. You'll be transitioning from unhappy, to happy. From discomfort, to being in a body that you can stand and enjoy calling your own.

Unnecessary? Sweetie, if you know it is what you want to do, there isn't anything as necessary as transitioning. We only live on this planet once. I sure as hell want to live it in the way that makes me happiest.

Ultimately, its your decision. But remember - at the end of the day - you aren't transitioning for your mum. Or society. Or anyone else for that matter. You are transitioning for you, and you alone.

Everyone else is entitled to their happiness, and you are too.

X

[Trixie]

But what's the alternative? Remaining as you are, in a body that gives you discomfort, that doesn't feel right, a body that possibly causes dysphoria and depression?

Sure, you'll be changing your body, for a good reason. But you'll also be changing yourself. You'll be transitioning from unhappy, to happy. From discomfort, to being in a body that you can stand and enjoy calling your own.

Unnecessary? Sweetie, if you know it is what you want to do, there isn't anything as necessary as transitioning. We only live on this planet once. I sure as hell want to live it in the way that makes me happiest.

Ultimately, its your decision. But remember - at the end of the day - you aren't transitioning for your mum. Or society. Or anyone else for that matter. You are transitioning for you, and you alone.

Everyone else is entitled to their happiness, and you are too.

X

*hugs* Thank you bunches for commenting and being so supportive.

I doubt a lot.

I've over-analyzed and doubted so much that I don't know if what I experience is dysphoria or not anymore. It's another reason I want to talk to a professional.

And my mom just called me. She said that she's not sure she "listened to all of what I have to say", and that she "wants to talk more later". I think that's a good sign.

[Devlyn]

It is a good sign, hon. And there is nothing truer than what Bexi said:

" at the end of the day - you aren't transitioning for your mum"

Hugs, Devlyn

[Bexi]

*hugs* Thank you bunches for commenting and being so supportive.

I doubt a lot.

I've over-analyzed and doubted so much that I don't know if what I experience is dysphoria or not anymore. It's another reason I want to talk to a professional.

And my mom just called me. She said that she's not sure she "listened to all of what I have to say", and that she "wants to talk more later". I think that's a good sign.

Any time, Trixie!  We're family here on Susans.

Its only natural to doubt, but sometimes its best to ditch the analysis and let our instincts take over. But talking to the therapist would be good - they're qualified, have experience with dealing with individuals in similar predicaments and have the knowledge to offer ways of dealing with it.

Yeah I agree, that is a good sign! Hopefully it means everything has begun to sink in - but if not - at least its an opening. When you talk to her, maybe having a list of coherent reasons why you want to transition could help settle any nerves and provide you with ammunition (should you need it).

X

[Trixie]

Well, I'm not sure if I'll be able to see a gender therapist. It all depends on what my other therapist says, or alternatively, what my mom says. I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

[Bexi]

Then you may have to wait and see them You never know, they might be experienced in such things.

After a few meetings, if you know that you don't have a connection, or it isn't for you, seek another opinion. These people are here to help you.

And its not the end of the world. In the meantime, why not take small steps to feminize yourself? Start growing out your hair, practicing with make-up, shape your eyebrows, get electrolysis.

They may seem small steps, but each does make a hell of a difference when you finally get on hormones.

x

[Trixie]

I don't even have an appointment setup. At this point in my life I'm so tired of "maybe". "Maybe this", "maybe that". My future happiness is always in doubt and I feel threatened and scared. I'm not in control of my own future. Whether I get to transition or not anytime in the remotely near future isn't up to me, but to other people. Namely my mother (because I am on her insurance and don't have the money to do this alone, despite living by myself) and a gender therapist I don't even know if I'll get to see.

It's distressing to me that the best I can hope for is that maybe, perhaps, this is the route to go.

Then you may have to wait and see them You never know, they might be experienced in such things.

After a few meetings, if you know that you don't have a connection, or it isn't for you, seek another opinion. These people are here to help you.

And its not the end of the world. In the meantime, why not take small steps to feminize yourself? Start growing out your hair, practicing with make-up, shape your eyebrows, get electrolysis.

They may seem small steps, but each does make a hell of a difference when you finally get on hormones.

x

My mom is the only person I'm out to, as of yet. I've been told that it's probably best not to come out before I see a therapist because this could still be something in my head. Wearing make-up, dressing (which I've never done), doing my eyebrows and especially anything like electrolysis is probably not a good option at this point. It doesn't help that I live with college-aged guys. None of which I'm out to.

This whole situation is terrible.

I'm sorry if any of this comes off as rude. I really don't mean it. Thank you for responding to me and for helping me. I'm just rather upset and feel trapped right now. Again.

[Bexi]

Don't worry about it. And trust me - I was in a similar position.

I transitioned whilst I was still at home when I was 22, with two brothers the exact same age as me (I'm a triplet), so keeping them unaware was hard. But in the end they were accepting - they knew that at the time, I was depressed, so whatever made me happy received their support. Hopefully your mum and your flatmates will think similarly.

I had never even contemplated any of that stuff too, but in hindsight, it would have kept me occupied and also gave me a better starting point.

But there comes  time when you have to take action and take control of your own life. You're right - "maybe" isn't good enough. Even though its daunting, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and just go for it.

Can I ask, how old are you? If you're of age, then you shouldn't have a problem securing a therapist on your own, without your mother's intervention.

Also, don't worry about offending me! And, if you want, feel free to PM me  I'm more than happy to talk to you privately!
X

[Trixie]

Don't worry about it. And trust me - I was in a similar position.

I transitioned whilst I was still at home when I was 22, with two brothers the exact same age as me (I'm a triplet), so keeping them unaware was hard. But in the end they were accepting - they knew that at the time, I was depressed, so whatever made me happy received their support. Hopefully your mum and your flatmates will think similarly.

I had never even contemplated any of that stuff too, but in hindsight, it would have kept me occupied and also gave me a better starting point.

But there comes  time when you have to take action and take control of your own life. You're right - "maybe" isn't good enough. Even though its daunting, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and just go for it.

Can I ask, how old are you? If you're of age, then you shouldn't have a problem securing a therapist on your own, without your mother's intervention.

Also, don't worry about offending me! And, if you want, feel free to PM me  I'm more than happy to talk to you privately!
X

I probably will PM you about things, if you don't mind. You've been very kind and helpful.

I've just recently turned 21. I also live in the US, if that helps. I just don't know the specifics of how to go about doing this. I don't know how I'd get to see a therapist without my mom knowing if I'm on her insurance. I can't afford to see a therapist otherwise.

What you said about taking control of my own life sounds tempting, and more novel to me than it probably should.

[Bexi]

Well, I'm in the UK, so my info might be a little off (and hopefully one of the multitude of American ladies or gents can correct me) but from what I understand since you are only 21, your parents' health insurance may cover your transition (albeit possibly not the SRS - some policies don't offer that).

You should search for a gender therapist or GIC near you and getting a referral.

http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_by_region

Once you have the referral, you can then get a prescription from a doctor for hormones.

I have no idea how your situation is affected by Obamacare - some states opted out and decided to offer their own healthplans. Sorry if its rather vague!

X

[Trixie]

I'm not sure at this point if I should go try and see a therapist secretly, without my family knowing, or if I should talk to my mom about this. Both are risky in their own ways.

Right now I'm leaning towards going secretly.

[King Malachite]

I'm not sure at this point if I should go try and see a therapist secretly, without my family knowing, or if I should talk to my mom about this. Both are risky in their own ways.

Right now I'm leaning towards going secretly.

I secretly saw an online therapist but I paid out of pocket because I didn't want the slightest chance for my mom to find out.  If you want to use her insurance then I wouldn't suggest doing it secretly.

[Trixie]

I have so many questions and I feel itching to get ready to go with all this.

I just don't know anything. Like, how to pick a therapist for example if there are several nearish me.

I secretly saw an online therapist but I paid out of pocket because I didn't want the slightest chance for my mom to find out.  If you want to use her insurance then I wouldn't suggest doing it secretly.

I will look into paying out of pocket. I'm not sure I can afford that. Probably not, but I'll look into it.

Worst comes to worst, I will make it happen somehow. It has to happen. I'm really more determined than I've ever been to get to a therapist.

[King Malachite]

I have so many questions and I feel itching to get ready to go with all this.

I just don't know anything. Like, how to pick a therapist for example if there are several nearish me.

I will look into paying out of pocket. I'm not sure I can afford that. Probably not, but I'll look into it.

Worst comes to worst, I will make it happen somehow. It has to happen. I'm really more determined than I've ever been to get to a therapist.

Well with that type of determination, I'm sure you will be able to find one.  Since I had no way to get to a therapist, and there wasn't any around me anyway, I looked into online therapy.  After looking at all the possible ones (there were 3 in my case), I looked at the price.  The first 2 were about $45- $60 per session while the other one was $160 a session so naturallly, being the broke college student I am, I sought out the first two and tried to find "reviews" from people who have used them online.  After I found reviews that they were legit I tried to contact them with questions and I didn't get a response so, I had to resort to the $160 a session therapist.


If you're looking for a therapist near you then you could try asking here to see if anyone has went to them.  You could try to email them and ask general questions to get a "feel" for them.  Examine their websites.  I knew if a therapist didn't have a website, than I'd personally back away.  Depending on if you're primarily there to just get the thumbs up to start transitioning, or if you want to just have someone to talk to in order to explore your feelings before making a decision, then the price could dramastically increase.

[Trixie]

Thank you for the advice.

I'm doing this basically to, as you said, get the "thumbs up" to start and to have a professional opinion to help ease my mom's doubts and reassure her, so hopefully it shouldn't be too many sessions.

I've mentioned before that I have my own doubts, but lately not so much for whatever reason.