Quote from: EmmaS on February 15, 2013, 07:12:18 AM
So also I have only had complete sexual relations with one person and that was a long term girlfriend and overall our sex life was mediocre at best honestly. My fantasies have always been of myself as a female with a male. I do not want to have sexual relations with a person unless I have a serious connection and commitment with a person, I know I'm weird for that.
Apart from mine being better than mediocre with my ex (the only woman I've had sex with) what you described up to this point is pretty similar to how I might describe it. That the sex was not mediocre was probably something that had more to do with my ex's libido than anything specific to me, other than the feeling that even though there were some things I did not say explicitly, to a large extent, at least in the first several years, I imagined, from her actions, that I was being clear and honest enough about what turned me on. Then again, I was usually very much more into serving her pleasure, when she expressed some desire, than I was at all demanding when it came to things I fantasized that we might do together. Over time, when I gradually realized that no one is a mind reader, I did become more explicit, and she was open to things, as long as the fear that I might transition had not come up specifically.
I'm curious about your comment when you say "I do not want to have sexual relations with a person unless I have a serious connection and commitment with a person" -- just what do you think is weird about this, particularly for someone woman-identified?
Apart from my ex, I dated one classmate in high school steadily for about a year, from mid-to-late sophomore year (when we'd moved to that town), through most of junior year. Most of the girls I hung out with after that were on a strictly friends basis, like the friend whose prom dress I hemmed, and who I agreed to show up for her post-senior prom party to ensure that the jerk who was her date would not get an opportunity to go any further than whatever might happen at the prom itself. That pretty much describes the pattern for me from high school (1976) to 1984, when I met my ex. There was a one night tryst with a staff sergeant in my barracks room on Christmas eve, 1983, and a few awkward dates with women (one who I realized belatedly might have been underage, but all we did was go to a fantastic stage performance of "Agnes of God" at the Kennedy Center, with the much underrated Amanda Plummer in the role of Agnes, so I'm pretty sure that was perfectly legal -- still, it was only after I asked her, that I realized she was still in high school (and I was 23 or 24).
I'm pretty sure that this pattern can be explained pretty simply in that I really would have preferred someone else would be the aggressor/initiator. With my ex, that was most of the time my ex, though she would sometimes interpret my arousal alone as a "come on" -- perhaps to deflect her own insecurities about owning her libido. I have to imagine, if guys had been offering to take me to Agnes of God, or the ballet or the opera or any other sort of "real date" that I would have been far more open to any of the men who gave me glances over those years. Same thing for women, though.
