I think we all question our sexuality a little bit during transition, but at this point I am beyond the point of confusion. So I will give some background information about me concerning this and some other information and maybe someone can tell me if they feel similarly to how I do or if anyone has any advice or help I really appreciate it.

So in general I find the following attractive:

Emotionally: Women, and I do not believe I do with men but open.
Physically:Both men and women but leaning towards women. (As in the overall body or physique)
Sexually: Men by far, but also women to a lesser extent. (As in genitalia specially and the desire of sexual interaction)

So also I have only had complete sexual relations with one person and that was a long term girlfriend and overall our sex life was mediocre at best honestly. My fantasies have always been of myself as a female with a male. I do not want to have sexual relations with a person unless I have a serious connection and commitment with a person, I know I'm weird for that.

Growing up I did have some encounters of what I thought at the time and would be considered homosexual but at that time I think it may have been exploration and it wasn't very expansive. So besides that small time of growing up, I was always attracted to women or so I thought I was because I never had any real urges to approach a woman or anything like that, in fact I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 17. From that point I have like 4 different girlfriends and then I had my one really serious one which ultimately ended about 9 months ago. Then I completely figured out that I needed to transition and with that decision I came to the conclusion at the time that I was actually a straight female of all things and I used the rationality that I fantasized about myself with a man as a woman specifically. As more and more time goes by I feel as if I cannot make that emotional connection with a man but I suppose it could be possible that it's because I am still living as a male and that could definitely be why I'm not making those connections with men because I'm not acting like myself, but I'm pretending to be a straight male in public. So now I'm wondering if I'm actually a lesbian, but at the same time I really don't think I am because I do have that sexual desire for there to be a penis involved.

So that pretty much sums up my thoughts on my sexuality and from what I can remember right now, those are the important details that would be pertinent to figuring this out. If anyone has similar feelings at all please don't be shy to share, it could really help honestly. I never thought that with my transition and everything that my sexuality of all things would be what truly bewilders me. At this point I'm clueless and that feeling of not knowing who I want to be with is not fun at all. So thank you in advance for any replies, I really do appreciate it!

<3 Emma

I have to admit, sexuality is something that I try not to concern myself with - I am who I am (and all that). I'm probably what would be called a pansexual - I'm attracted to all sorts.

But now, I find myself falling for the person as opposed to what's in their pants. If they're lovely on the inside, then the outside doesn't bother me.

There's times when I desire the intimacy of a woman, and other times when I'd like nothing more than to snuggle up with a big strong guy to protect me.

I'm not in a relationship and aren't hurting anyone, so I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I just get on with life and try to enjoy it.

x

I know it's hard but try not to worry about it. You are very early in your transition and do not need to have your sexuality figured out. For what it's worth you basically described me, I had never been with a guy, only women, but all my fantasies were I'm a girl and I'm with a guy. I have a boyfriend now and it just feels natural but then again if I weren't dating him and some amazing woman came along I wouldn't have any problems being in a lesbian relationship. I guess I'm bi but I still pretty much only fantasize about sex with men.

Quote from: EmmaS on February 15, 2013, 07:12:18 AM
So also I have only had complete sexual relations with one person and that was a long term girlfriend and overall our sex life was mediocre at best honestly. My fantasies have always been of myself as a female with a male. I do not want to have sexual relations with a person unless I have a serious connection and commitment with a person, I know I'm weird for that.

I didn't know that's weird, I feel the same way.

One of the last things I did to try to "scare away" being trans was this thought:  "Ok <male name>.  You're a straight guy, and being a straight guy you like women.  So the next time you're fantasizing about being a girl, put yourself with a guy.  You'll hate it so much that you'll never want to be a girl again".

Yeah... that kind of backfired, and me as a girl with a guy has become my dominant fantasy.  I'm not really sure what advice I can give besides go with the flow and enjoy yourself .

Quote from: EmmaS on February 15, 2013, 07:12:18 AM
So also I have only had complete sexual relations with one person and that was a long term girlfriend and overall our sex life was mediocre at best honestly. My fantasies have always been of myself as a female with a male. I do not want to have sexual relations with a person unless I have a serious connection and commitment with a person, I know I'm weird for that.

Apart from mine being better than mediocre with my ex (the only woman I've had sex with) what you described up to this point is pretty similar to how I might describe it. That the sex was not mediocre was probably something that had more to do with my ex's libido than anything specific to me, other than the feeling that even though there were some things I did not say explicitly, to a large extent, at least in the first several years, I imagined, from her actions, that I was being clear and honest enough about what turned me on. Then again, I was usually very much more into serving her pleasure, when she expressed some desire, than I was at all demanding when it came to things I fantasized that we might do together. Over time, when I gradually realized that no one is a mind reader, I did become more explicit, and she was open to things, as long as the fear that I might transition had not come up specifically.

I'm curious about your comment when you say "I do not want to have sexual relations with a person unless I have a serious connection and commitment with a person" -- just what do you think is weird about this, particularly for someone woman-identified?

Apart from my ex, I dated  one classmate in high school steadily for about a year, from mid-to-late sophomore year (when we'd moved to that town), through most of junior year. Most of the girls I hung out with after that were on a strictly friends basis, like the friend whose prom dress I hemmed, and who I agreed to show up for her post-senior prom party to ensure that the jerk who was her date would not get an opportunity to go any further than whatever might happen at the prom itself. That pretty much describes the pattern for me from high school (1976) to 1984, when I met my ex. There was a one night tryst with a staff sergeant in my barracks room on Christmas eve, 1983, and a few awkward dates with women (one who I realized belatedly might have been underage, but all we did was go to a fantastic stage performance of "Agnes of God" at the Kennedy Center, with the much underrated Amanda Plummer in the role of Agnes, so I'm pretty sure that was perfectly legal -- still, it was only after I asked her, that I realized she was still in high school (and I was 23 or 24).

I'm pretty sure that this pattern can be explained pretty simply in that I really would have preferred someone else would be the aggressor/initiator. With my ex, that was most of the time my ex, though she would sometimes interpret my arousal alone as a "come on" -- perhaps to deflect her own insecurities about owning her libido. I have to imagine, if guys had been offering to take me to Agnes of God, or the ballet or the opera or any other sort of "real date" that I would have been far more open to any of the men who gave me glances over those years. Same thing for women, though.

Well here are my thoughts based on my own experiences, I've discussed this frequently on the forum. You may decide if they're right or not.

Your sexuality is who you're sexually attracted to, that's it. You can't control it. Emotional attraction isn't exactly the same. It's very fluid, and some sort of factor of your personality. When someone says that they have more of an emotional attraction to women, I can assume that either they have significantly less or negative social experience with men, and/or they have tried to fight their sexuality before. That's okay usually, but I know that if your sexual orientation doesn't correlate with whom you're emotionally attracted to, it can be very frustrating when thinking about relationships. Tis why you should explore your options if you feel conflicted like this.

And I don't know what you mean by physical attraction. Do you just mean aesthetically?

Bexi: Hmm, I definitely shortly considered the idea that I could be pansexual but it just didn't fit for me honestly.

Aprilrain: I know I shouldn't focus on this but it has been bothering me for a while now and I would like to know what gender I am interested in so that maybe I can date because I don't want to start dating a girl for example just to figure out that it wasn't for me.

EmSchuma: I can definitely see how that could cause to initially think you would hate it and then ultimately you would love it, but that definitely seems like you figured it out at least. I do wonder if my "straight male" persona is a complete facade sexuality as well, it's possible I don't have any interest in women and I'm actually still fooled about that.

Elspeth: I guess nothing is weird about it, no idea why I added that in. Thank you for sharing your story, your desire to please is very similar to mine and so I consider myself very submissive in that regard.

RoadToTrista: Okay, I've heard that before, but for some reason I thought your sexuality was more than just what genitalia you were attracted to, but I suppose there could be other reasons why I have not connected with men on that level. I do believe if I were to make a connection with a man like that then I would be very happy in a relationship with a guy, probably more so than with a girl. Yeah I just mean the overall figure I suppose.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on February 15, 2013, 07:47:54 AM
And I don't know what you mean by physical attraction. Do you just mean aesthetically?

FWIW, I usually have the same question when someones says "physical attraction" but I think EmmaS has described a couple of different things here. One can split it into at least these:

are you attracted to the object of your affection's physical features? (for me, I tend to find almost all women physically attractive, and yet I can also see every "fault" that they do, and understand why those make them self-conscious, since most women I've known as friends have at some point discussed body features they dislike in themselves). As far as attractiveness goes, I have only had sex with guys who were fairly vain about their bodies, and of course, as mentioned ones who initiated contact and did most all of the "coming on."

Awkward and possibly accidental and irrelevant, since nothing ever came of it, I found my ex's sister at least a little bit more physically attractive than my ex, or at least attractive in terms of female aesthetics -- this was something I would never have said  plainly to either one of them, but I often felt that my sister-in-law kind of knew it. I think it also plays into the ways that I would sometimes tend to look for male physical traits and characteristics in my ex (like being turned on that she had a varsity college letter jacket, when I have almost no interest in sports). 

I was already deeply committed to my ex before I ever met her sister. I was hugely pleased and flattered to be asked by her to serve as her lead bridal attendant at her wedding, something I joked about with fellow women playwrights (who knew I was trans), since I have already been, now, in effect, a maid of honor, one of those experiences I kind of doubt I will be likely to have, at my age, after transition, much as it is one of those many things I would have liked to experience in undeniable female form.

Quote from: EmmaS on February 15, 2013, 08:02:40 AM
RoadToTrista: Okay, I've heard that before, but for some reason I thought your sexuality was more than just what genitalia you were attracted to

It is more. The key phrase is "desire for sexual interaction". Your sexuality is just that: who you desire to have sex with.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on February 15, 2013, 07:47:54 AM
When someone says that they have more of an emotional attraction to women, I can assume that either they have significantly less or negative social experience with men, and/or they have tried to fight their sexuality before.

Interesting. I'm the opposite to Emma. I have a physical attraction to women, but no emotional attraction. And it probably is the result of both "significantly less and negative social experience with women". I've been intimate with women, but never had a relationship with one. Not even a friendship (aside from some lovely ladies here; but haven't met you all in RL). The only woman I have ever been comfortable with is my mother. Only now in my 30s and after transition am I slowly becoming comfortable with women in social settings. And that's just casually.

At this point, I wonder if women even possess the kind of emotional landscape I need. Or if my attractions and emotional needs are pretty much fixed at this age. Could I ever feel for a woman what I've felt for men? I'm certainly into their bodies. But their hearts?

I went through the exact same thing and pretty much felt the exact same way.

I had only been with women, was clearly attracted to women but I had fantasized and played out being with men as a woman for a long time. It was one of my main concerns after I decided to transition, I really didn't see myself as a lesbian, I clearly identified as a straight girl and wanted to be one. So before I even start HRT, I got online and found some trans dating sites (lol more like hook up sites) and had my first first experience.

I was incredibly lucky, I don't know how it turned out so perfect, he was 28, very sweet and charming and cute as hell! I actually really liked him.. for the first time in my life, I was infatuated with a guy!

I was terrified but excited, he was a ->-bleeped-<- so that was a little weird, showed "it" way more attention than I wanted! But they are probably the safest kind to have first experience with, they knew what they are getting and that's what they want... I found out a lot about myself. I loved being sexually and emotionally intimate with a male, it felt right, it was incredibly validating of my feminine self.. it's what I wanted. After that night, I had wished for more than just sex, started to see men in a whole new light, as a girl

Since then I've had a few more experiences and I'm very confident about my sexuality now.. I could still see myself falling for a woman if she was the right person but would definitely have to be a dom! So I guess I'm bisexual.. but still haven't had an experience to confirm that, I might have something lined up soon to find out 

It's one of those things you don't really know for sure unless you do it.

My sexuality was the one thing I had a hard time coming to grips with. I accepted me being trans from a early age but the fact I liked men was totally different story all together. When I was a teenager I would tell myself I liked women. But all the men I was attracted to says otherwise. I was very much in denial about the whole thing. Sometimes I would accept it other times I would completely deny it. I went on like this for years trying to make myself be attracted to women I just wasn't. I thought it was something I could fix I was wrong! When I was younger I would hear all my guy friends talk about sex like it was the greatest thing ever! So I thought maybe if I lost my virginity that would fix all my problems it did not. In fact it only made things worse because something felt wrong about it. Then I started thinking maybe if I just do it some more then I'll get use to liking women I did not. Then for while started thinking maybe I'm bi that lasted for awhile. Until I finally started to realize have you ever fantasized about being with a woman. And the answer was no. I liked hanging out with them but did I want to be in a relationship with one and the answer to that question was no. It was also around this time I realized I was in love with guy but he was totally into women. I did learn around this time how hard it is to love someone when they don't know you love them and you know you can never be with that person. That was a difficult time in my life. But I guess it was necessary because it helped me accept I liked men. Now I just need to find one who can accept me! That's my current dilemma.

Definitely can relate! I think I have it figured out, but there's still a little confusion. I only seem to be emotionally attracted to women. Have been with a decent enough amount of women to know that I don't enjoy sex with them at all. All my fantasies are me as a woman with a man. Looks-wise men or women really don't do anything for me. It's all emotional or sexual, but not both at the same time

Pretty sure I'm actually attracted to men and have simply been confusing things based on upbringing, but I'm not willing to have a relationship with anyone at this point if they're going to see me as a man. So dating life's on hold at least until I go full-time.

For the most part I am only emotionally attracted to women. As for physically, I am attracted to both men and women with more interest in women. Sex, that is whom ever I am in a relationship with. I don't care if they are male or female or what is in their pants. It's all about them as a person. I identify as lesbian for the pure fact that I don't think I can be in an emotional relationship with a man. Plus, men a gross 

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 15, 2013, 02:55:18 PM
For the most part I am only emotionally attracted to women. As for physically, I am attracted to both men and women with more interest in women. Sex, that is whom ever I am in a relationship with. I don't care if they are male or female or what is in their pants. It's all about them as a person. I identify as lesbian for the pure fact that I don't think I can be in an emotional relationship with a man.

Opposite of me. I knew we were switched at birth. 

QuotePlus, men a gross 

Hey! 

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 15, 2013, 03:04:02 PM
Opposite of me. I knew we were switched at birth. 

If only they would have left our minds in the right body neither of us would have had to transition. 

Quote from: Brooke777 on February 15, 2013, 03:06:05 PM

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 15, 2013, 03:04:02 PM
Opposite of me. I knew we were switched at birth. 

If only they would have left our minds in the right body neither of us would have had to transition. 

Ah but you'd probably take a look in the mirror and panic. 

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 15, 2013, 03:15:29 PM
Ah but you'd probably take a look in the mirror and panic. 

Is that because you are so hot I wouldn't know how to handle it? 

You sound very similar to me. I used to think I was attracted to women sexually, but I never enjoyed sexual encounters with them. Now when I think about sex I fantasize about men.  Though I still find women more pleasing to look at in general than most men.  However when I see a man that I am very attracted to physically the attraction feels much more intense. 

As far as how I will be in a relationship with a man I have no idea.  I haven't had any real experiences with men yet. However I have decided I am going to give dating a go here real soon. I can't hide forever.  I am not even bothering with women until I get some real experience with men.  My hope is that I will be satisfied with men since like I said before I have never felt fulfilled in a sexual relationship with women.

My big problem is I am picky as hell, I always was with very attractive women and I will probably be just as picky if not more so with men.  That's not such a good thing as I don't know if I can actually attract the kind of man who really turns me on.

Bumping this. I want to discuss it more and explain that the reason it confused me is because normally people associate physical attraction and sexual attraction as the same thing. When you talk about physical attraction, is it a longing physical desire, or is it like an appreciation?