Quote from: Sky-Blue on February 20, 2013, 09:16:12 PM
For those of us who didn't know quite what we were from a young age...
I never knew that I was female, all I knew is that I was much different than other people my age. When I figured out what was wrong everything got much worse (which is relative to bad). I hate who and what I am, and I don't know how I can come to accept myself.
Was it worse when you did or didn't know who/what you were?
How did you accept yourself?
The sky began to open for me when I began to realize that there were surgeries and a process that I could do which would enable me to live a comfortable life. Until that point I would look in the mirror and see that ugly hairy man staring back at me. I had tried everything I could think of up to that point, shaving my body, crossdressing on the side, owning my own female clothes, none of that relieved the problem. It still never cleared the gender dysphoria. I even tried self medicating with hormones and that only helped a little. Finally once I began to seriously transition and actually see the light at the end of the tunnel, is when I can say is that is when I started to live the best days of my life and my self acceptance began to soar. When I could see a day when I could live full time, I worked towards that furiously. Anything I could change I would change. Every little bit of me became an interesting little project to see how much I could change it.
As a child I didn't quite know what was wrong with me. I started crossdressing at an early age, although I don't remember exactly when. It was less than 10 years of age I'm certain. I remember being in high school and seeing the girls and wanting to be like them. I didn't want to date them, I always wanted to be one of them. Of course, there was no Internet, no research, no definition I could out on myself except flaming pervert, so I buried how I felt for lack of knowledge about who I really was. I was discovered all dressed up quite a few times growing up, i took the giant load of crap my parents laid on me, said I would never do it again, and the next day I was doing it again. I started buying my own clothes when I was about 16 and I would wear them to school. I stopped take gym class in school and mommy and daddy's A student suddenly had a drop in grades because there was no way in hell I would undress in the boys locker room. Still I had no idea of who I was, not even a clue.
After college I joined a cross dresser club and would start going out more all dressed up. Now that I liked. I would get all dressed up and go shopping, out to the movies, dinner, etc. Being in the closet did not work for me, and hanging around in a club didn't work either. That's where I met and found out about transsexualism and met a t girl live. I just remember thinking of. How pretty and natural she looked. No facial hair, a pretty face, nice long hair, real boobs. It took me a little while longer before I realized what I had to do. Taking that first step towards the transition was the scariest part. Picking up the phone, or going to a support group, scared the bejesus out of me. But eventually I did do it. When in finally made it to a support group, I met a post op and thought to myself, what a beautiful woman. She had a pretty face, great personality, beautiful voice, and I thought wow that could be me.
The self acceptance part for me is when I realized that I was no different than anyone else that is just like me. You can change the names, dates, times and places but the story is still the same. Okay so now I knew, but that pretty girl over there sure must have been born on the pretty side of the gene pool right? Well not exactly, but that's when I discovered that what testosterone had done could be undone with surgery. That's when I realized that I finally had a way out of this trap, by being a real life shape shifter
