Hai hai to everyone^^
The main cause of my worries is emotionally related or in my case lack there of. So far as i can tell i have a incredibly repressive subconscious that hold a ridiculous amount of sway over what i can and can not consciously realize. It is worth noting that i have completely accepted that I am trans and i am setting an appointment with a therapist once i get my medicare care renewed. The reason this has been worrying me
(to the point i have been losing quite sleep this week among other things like deciding to come out to my mother next time i see her
) is that I have been completely unable to feel any emotional response for the past year.
This started around when i was 10
(I'm now 20
) as in my best guess my subconscious minds best fail safe method to deal with the fact that I was trans but everyone around me telling me i shouldn't do girly things because i was a boy thus lead leading me to subconsciously repress anything to possibly do with my femininity
(until a couple of days into 2013 when i started to pick up on gender bender manga and the mental lock shattered. Allowing me from then until now to look at many things in a much different light and allowing to remember many things i had previously forgotten about my childhood most of it having to do with the fact that I was never truly comfortable as a boy inversely however now that I have accepted that my gender identity is not that of a male I'm forgetting many parts of my past i used to remember just a month ago.
) a couple of things would get by but still suffer some form of repression
(I let my hair get quite long in high school and it still is but neglected to take of it for reasons i could not identify to even myself.
) while other thing i would down right scoff at but now i would want most of these things. Slowly but surely though over 10 years my emotions have been being repressed, these day i cannot feel happiness, sadness, or anger just void emptiness.
(I truly wish this on no one I cant even remember what emotions used to feel like, I can however remember times when they were present for i was a very emotional child.
)The reason this emotional void worries me is because I wish to once again have them back and i feel that transitioning would help greatly to this end but I'm beyond worried about what happens when they start coming back. Gaining something that iv been slowly losing for over 10 years and have lost completely for a full year is now foreign to me and worry's me greatly
( it may also be worth not that due to this lack of emotional response life has been very difficult because generating motivation is very hard when you know that no matter how hard you try you will not achieve happiness it will just leave you feeling as empty as the day before, thus why i would never wish this upon anyone.
)Sorry for going on so long but this is something i truly wanted to get off my chest for it is truly a difficult thing for people to understand
(though i do know something else who is emotionally void he is so for a much different reason he has never had then and may have them because of a mental illness and so he views it much differently from i do
) so getting people to talk to is difficult to nigh on impossible.
This is in a way a picture of how i view myself under the rule of my subconscious ended finding this while thinking this post up and it was to perfect not to include.
