Do you ever doubt yourself?

[ConfusedGirlRuby]

Ok this is going to sound a bit odd, but I ask this because i've scrolled through loads of gender dysphoria threads and transgender threads and I really feel sometimes like i'm the only person feeling like this.

Ok basically i'm transgendered, MTF, I know that much, and I really really really wish more than anything that I was a girl, and that I was born a girl, and some days my dysphoria is really bad and just hate myself so much.

But then there are other days when gender dysphoria doesn't really affect me. I mean i'm not happy at having a male body, but I sometimes just feel neutral about being a boy, and I don't really mind how I am. I'm never happy about being born male, but I just stop caring, if that makes sense. So it feels that my gender dysphoria comes in waves, rather than as a continuous misery.

Because of this I sometimes doubt myself and think; well am i actually transgendered? Do I really want to transition?

And this doubt makes me even more depressed because I can't think about what I really want to do.

Is it normal for people to feel good on some days and not care about gender dysphoria and feel content or neutral as they are? Or do other people get this eddying waves feeling that some days are bad whereas some are bearable or ok or fine?

Thanks for any replies! xx

[suzifrommd]

Is it normal for people to feel good on some days and not care about gender dysphoria and feel content or neutral as they are? Or do other people get this eddying waves feeling that some days are bad whereas some are bearable or ok or fine?

Yes, totally normal.

I have days where dysphoria is triggered, like when someone treats me differently because they think I'm a man, when I see a woman wearing clothes I want to wear, etc. But when I'm alone or busy, a lot of the time I don't notice it.

[Trixie]

I can relate a lot. I can. I actually started a thread recently on the subject of doubt. It's something that plagues me a lot.

I have not yet transitioned, but I'll be seeing a therapist soon, and it's been something in the back of my mind all this time.

What if I'm not "REALLY" trans? If I worry about that a lot. In the past, my dysphoria was more noticeable. It was more "classic". I was a "boy", and wanted to be a girl, and I felt terrible about my body and appearance and how I was treated. At the moment, I feel like I'm experiencing dysphoria-like feelings, but it's about wanting to be trans for some reason. It's like I've almost forgot my gender dysphoria and replaced it with something else: doubt.

I've been flighting back the doubt. Listening to people's advice, trusting myself and trying to accept myself. It's been hard, and I imagine I will have "attacks" of doubt in the future. I just hope I can overcome them and transition. Through it all, that has still remained my goal.

I don't think cis people tend to worry about whether or not they're transgendered, and hope that they are though.

[halfsleep]

I've definitely felt that way. I haven't always had a constant gender dysphoria.

Some days it is overwhelming, and other days I wonder if I want to even bother taking the steps to transition. But I realize that in my heart, I am a man and that is how I wish to appear.

Just do you. Do what you feel. If you feel that you can be comfortable with the way your body is, then fine. If you feel that you want to change, then that's fine as well.

[ConfusedGirlRuby]

Oh thats good then, well not good, it's pretty bad. But I mean it's good i'm not the only one who isn't in some constant dreary state. The way it's portrayed on some sites is that transpeople are in this constant state of dysphoria that almost engulfs their being... I mean i'm sad that i'm not a girl, and I wish I was, and i'm probably going to transition, and I hate my body as it is, but there are good things in life that distract me from being sad all the time... like baking, and kittens. (but not baking kittens...)

[Trixie]

If I'm honest, I'm going through a rather crippling session of doubt and worry right now. 

Isn't this stupid... I'm (taking this from you Ruby) in a constant dreary state because I'm not in a constant dreary state. I'm a mess. I think my anxiety problems are getting the best of me right now.

[ConfusedGirlRuby]

If I'm honest, I'm going through a rather crippling session of doubt and worry right now. 

Isn't this stupid... I'm (taking this from you Ruby) in a constant dreary state because I'm not in a constant dreary state. I'm a mess. I think my anxiety problems are getting the best of me right now.

I'm in the exact same boat! I know I want to be a girl, but i'm getting depressed at the fact that i'm not always gender dysphoric, so i'm doubting whether i'm transgender or not (to an extent), because I feel that if I really was transgender i'd be moping all the time about being in the wrong body. But I know I am transgender because I want to be a girl badly.

You're not alone 

[Heather]

I'm in the exact same boat! I know I want to be a girl, but i'm getting depressed at the fact that i'm not always gender dysphoric, so i'm doubting whether i'm transgender or not (to an extent),

We all wonder these things some days are worse than others. It can't be all dysphoric all the time! If it was most of us would probably take our own lives. Maybe the mind has a way of easing back when we've reached our limit. So we don't feel it as bad on some days.(I just made that last part up but it sounds good) But I do have my own doubts I work through on a daily basis. Doubts and fears is what makes us human. Having doubts doesn't make you any less trans. I think I would be more skeptical of someone who claims to have no doubts whatsoever.

[Heather]

sometimes I just feel ruined by everything 

I feel this way too sometimes! But its like any bad mood it goes away.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I rarely know 'why' I feel 'good' and I rarely fully understand why I feel 'bad'.

Life is a crap shoot where that is concerned.

I wake and the wife is receptive and I take zero effort to get that out of my hair and presto I am thinking 'cool today might be a good day'. I tend to think a day might be a good day anytime it begins with no hassle.

Then I get in the bath and I am not doing it to relax away pains because I currently have none and it's alright, more positive indicators. Then as I am soaking I notice the sun is out, and it's 'cool a nice day for a walk'.

All that raises my spirits and makes it easy to start off the day. I rarely fret on days when I have a good starting point.

But, maybe the wife is unavailable, my back hurts anyway, and 'it' malfunctions. Then I think I might be getting a nasal cold. The bath is humdrum and it is a lousy weather day making a walk seem like a bad idea. So I find myself not able to get that damned urge out of my hair, it nags at me. And everything just seems crappy. It's then easy enough to be negative about everything.

I usually only fret over my gender issues when I feel put upon by life. It's very mod dependent for me.

I usually hide on days like this.

[Shannon1979]

Ive spent years doing that sometimes it comes on really strong. But then somtimes it just bubbles along under the surface. But there is one thing each time the real dysphoria comes back it is stronger and lasts longer. So i am now at the point that i have to do somthing about it. so your not on your own.

[Carrie Liz]

THANK YOU for making this thread! I was considering asking almost the exact same thing, because I've also been going through random periods where I just don't seem to care about wanting to be a girl anymore, for no adequately-explained reason. And I was also really getting scared that these weren't normal. Good to know. Now I can ease my mind a bit.

And Trixie, that is an excellent point about cisgendered people not worrying about whether they are trans or not, and hoping they are... because that's pretty much what's been going on with me. It's like "NOO!!! I WANT this! I want it so badly! Why do I suddenly feel like I don't care anymore?" Yeah... I guess the fact that when my gender dysphoria randomly quiets down, it actually bothers me, does indeed say something.

[TerriT]

Ive spent years doing that sometimes it comes on really strong. But then somtimes it just bubbles along under the surface. But there is one thing each time the real dysphoria comes back it is stronger and lasts longer. So i am now at the point that i have to do somthing about it. so your not on your own.

I feel like this also. I have questioned for years if this was real, if I was really trans, if I was sure. And I have really repressed my feelings about it. It is so painful. And now, that I'm really taking action, I'm freaking out even more than I did before. I tell myself it must be real, because I keep going down this path, and I'm scared and lonely and wonder why my life isn't just good enough. But it never goes away. It always comes back and it comes back worse and worse. And I try to do things to myself to compensate, like if I just lose a couple more pounds or if I just could be happy about my skin or if I just style my hair more feminine. Or I'll get another laser treatment. But it's never enough and I always feel like I'm cheating myself. I hate the cross dressing because it makes me feel so guilty even when I do it and I feel happy for a while, I know it's only temporary and it's not real enough anymore.

But the doubt is giving me anxiety and my nerves are destroyed already. I can't sleep anymore. I sleep like 5 hours a night and as soon as I wake up it's all I think about. And now I'm slow close I can touch it, but then one day I'll be like, "No, forget it, it's impossible and it's too painful and you're being so selfish."

I try to explain this to my therapist. She will ask me what something looks like or what I picture in some scenario and I can't answer. I don't know. I can tell her with clarity what my life will look like if I do nothing, and it is a nightmare. So am I trading one nightmare for another?? Why can't I just endure this and be done with it. I'm not some daydreaming kid anymore. I hope that once E starts I will calm down, but who knows. The doubt is so strong and the fear of regret is so present. But I know for certain I will regret doing nothing and how can I live with that. I've wanted this for so many years and I was always so certain but WHAT IF?

[Shannon1979]

I think those thoughts will be there regardless. You have to go on what you feel. Ive spent years denying my feelings. But if i dont do something about it now i will never know.

I found this quote dont know who its by (So yes it plagurized). Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever. Makes a lot of sense.

[Cindy]

I think it is totally normal. I certainly was that way. But after FT I don't have the bad ones anymore, just the good ones.

[kelly_aus]

I think it is totally normal. I certainly was that way. But after FT I don't have the bad ones anymore, just the good ones.

That pretty much sums it up for me too..

[JenSquid]

Very much. My dysphoria isn't constant: sometimes I feel like I should be a girl and other times I feel like it doesn't matter. And those times when I don't make me worry about those times when I do.

Like Cheetaking243 said, thank you Ruby for making this thread, as this has been bugging too as of late.

I too have had to remind myself that cis people don't worry about these things.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Another thanks for this thread... unlike cheetaking I wasnt going to ask about it, I was just going to beat myself up with it for a while, so thanks lol :-)

[AwishForXX]

But there is one thing each time the real dysphoria comes back it is stronger and lasts longer. So i am now at the point that i have to do somthing about it. so your not on your own.

Oh yeah, I'm there too.  Over the years I've pushed it back and been successful in denial but, yeah it comes back and yeah, each time it's worse than the last and lasts longer.  It gets harder and harder to deal with.  The ebb and flow is normal, I think the self doubt is too.  there's just so much going on and so many considerations like how will i manage this or what happens to my marriage or the kids etc.  I'd have had a break down a long time ago if it were constant.

Colleen.

[Rachel85]

This has been my last week! I have made some great steps recently and am feeling so much more at peace but then I worry that because I am comfortable with this now that it might be less real. When I finished work a few days ago I was exhausted (and I bet I looked terrible!) and I just felt about as feminine as a brick. I got home thinking the whole time thinking "why is this? I didnt think about it once at work today!", except for my lunch break where I was on here:)
I put it down to being in work mode and focusing on the task at hand and not myself (which I do too), but the next day I was just... blank. I seriously started thinking if this was real and I was started worrying just like, apparently everyone else! I wrote myself a letter from Cynthia about transitioning when I was feeling really good and another when I was feeling really bad. I read them both and it just made me realise that yes, this IS me, I am doing really well and that we all have our ups and downs. That really helps me when I'm having a tough day/week.
You aren't alone!