Today I was publicly humiliated.

[Ms Bev]

I hated it, and was disappointed in myself but for one time in my life, I let someone get away with publicly humiliating me.  And the worst part of it, I paid a great deal of money for the priviledge.  I'm somewhat ashamed for not addressing the individual immediately, but I felt a special hatred levelled at me by someone that I did not trust to leave me and mine alone, knowing my name and address.

I think I am within a week of going full time, and I need women's glasses for work, as well as everywhere else. 
A week ago, I had a wonderful experience at a Sterling Optical store in a local shopping mall.  I chose this place over the others I shopped, for the price offred me, and by the service I received that evening.
The young lady taking care of me was pleasant, professional, and caring.  She took great pride in her work, and it was easy to tell that she was truly enjoying helping me.  I was dressed for work at the time, in men's clothes (but also wore earrings) and brought in a pair of women's frames, and a copy of my current prescription asking to replace the lenses in the women's frames with my current prescription.  She did this happily, without a blink, carefully made measurements, followed through with all the paperwork, chatted briefly, and thanked me for my business.  A wonderful experience, as I said.

Now today, a week later.
I went into the very same Sterling Optical store, happy about getting my new women's glasses.  Being my day off, I dressed female casual . . . . jeans, women's flip flops, lavender tee, cross necklace, earrings, and a shoulder bag.  The individual that "helped" me was about my age, male, arrogant, obnoxious.  When he brought the glasses case over to me and opened it, he saw the women's glasses they made for me under my male name.  Oh, what joy!  Oh, what a great opportunity! . . . .  for him to have some fun at my expense.  He looked over his shoulder at a coworker to get her attention, and see what was going on with his customer. . . me.  The young lady didn't take part in his "fun", and the customers she was helping, likewise refused to be involved.
He grinned, and held out the open, delicate glasses for my inspection.  "Are these, umm . . . his frames?  Do they look like his ??
The ugly hateful smirk he exhibited made me feel violated and dirty in a way I can't explain. 
Under ordinary circumstances, I would have dealt swiftly with the behaviour of this person, but I didn't know suddenly if I would be leaving my family open for retribution.
Now I really know how it feels to be an ill-treated minority.


Still Learning,

Bev

[tinkerbell]

  I'm so very sorry that you had to go through this Bev.  Needless to say, I'm livid right now  .  Is there anyway you could report this incident to a manager or a corporate office of this business?  This type of behavior needs to stop.  What is the name of this establishment?  where is it?  I'm sorry but I think this shouldn't be left unattended.

tink

[Ms Bev]

  This type of behavior needs to stop.  What is the name of this establishment?  where is it?  I'm sorry but I think this shouldn't be left unattended.
tink

Wow!....Tink.....thanks so much!  I'm sleeping on this one before writing their corporate HQ.  As I sais, this individual now has my real name and address in his system.  I'll think on this one a day or so, then take some action.
Thanks sooo much for your concern and care, sis.

Bev

[ChefAnnagirl]

Dearest Bev,

For what it's worth, my heart goes out to you, hon... I think Tink is entirely correct about using a little of the good old-fashioned poison-pen magic. There are so many questions - so many variables -not knowing if this person is management level or just a retail associate level person would be helpful. If it was me, i would also strongly consider finding out who the store general manager is, and also finding out who their regional manager and or regional V.P is they have one.
A simple and anonymous call to the store would get that information for you immediately.

This is exactly the sort of thing that if leveraged correctly, could immediately be precedent setting for this company, and if played right, could go all the way to the top from both ends, as Tink already suggested the letter directly to HQ for that company. 

Suppose that you happened to call the store, maybe even get the associate on the phone that originally helped you. Tell her you simply need the name and telephone number for the office of the regional manager or regional V.P. without actually saying why.

If they resist, BE FIRM. If you, as a customer, have a concern that requires that level of assistance, it is none of the store level employees' business as to what it is, just GET the info and MAKE the calls.

You will be shocked what will happen, if you happen to get a high level management person on the phone and you mention such phrases as "openly discriminatory and abusive publicly humiliating behavior on the part of one of your associates". Then you break out with the big guns and mention the "A" or the "L" word ("attorney" or "legal" issues).

You would be really surprised at what happens then, if you are being taken seriously by the person that you are speaking with. But that is a last resort and only recommended if done very diplomatically - kind of as if to say - "jeez, i really don't want to have to consider doing such a thing, but under the circumstances, i feel as though i was severely discriminated against and publicly humilaited and i've never been in such a position before so i actually was considering whether or not i should seek legal advice about such an issue" -

Freakin' guarantee that will stop them dead in their tracks and they will be bending over backwards to placate you, and address the issue. Lots of ways you can do this - but as Tink said, it should definitely not go unchallenged.

Maybe you could singlehandedly ensure a new level of sensitivity awarenes be instituted within this company - dunno - just depends on how far you are willing and able to take it. If i was there with you - i'd be making the calls for you and drilling them left and right until they agreed to take serious notice of the matter and actually DO something about it, and this incredibly rude and hateful person that did this to you.

Best of luck babe - i've been through similar situations a whole bunch of times at this point, and usually have been able to find the right person whose ear to put the bug into. And will not hesitate for a second to do so. That is really important. Find the right person in the food chain in that company to hear your story, do it fearlessly, diplomatically, and intelligently, and it WILL be handled.

Best of luck,

Sincerely,


Annagirl

   

[Hazumu]

Beb;

There's nothing wrong with being TS, there's nothing wrong with you.  I encourage you to write a thoughtful letter, and to rehearse a dignified way to handle a similar situation, should one occur in the future. 

In my book, calling the manager over and speaking to him/her about this employees' unacceptable behaviour was most definitely called for.  If it were me, I'd strive to make my complaint in a dignified manner.

Some more food for thought:
http://www.aldewitt.com/Complain.htm

Karen

P.S., Anna's post hit before mine, and it's got TONS of good advice!

[Susan]

Definately complain. It's not too late either.

[cindianna_jones]

Always do something!  When I see discrimination, I will always ask to speak to the manager and I always follow up with a letter.  It is amazing to see how responsive companies are to letters.

Cindi

[BeverlyAnn]

Bev,

This is from their website. 
Our Mission:

We will be the premier franchise retail provider of value eyewear and quality vision services that will meet and exceed our customer's expectations.

I don't think they exceeded your expectations at all.  This is their  corporate customer service e-mail address customerservice@sterlingoptical.com and their corporate mailing address is:
Sterling Optical
100 Quentin Roosevelt Blvd.
Suite 508
Garden City, NY  11530
Attn: Customer Service

Go get 'em girlfriend.

Beverly

[callan]

It's very hard when we expose ourselves and then someone chooses to challenge or mock us.

The odds are that they aren't acting from any corporate policy, but rather from their own sense of moral superiority or their own fear, or both. 

In other words, their response tells more about them than it does about us.

The problem is that the worst way to explain to someone that you are a woman is to tell them. 

The best way is always to show them.

What this means is that you have to have a tool kit of defenses ready. Everyone has that, learned in adolescence and honed over the years, but shifting gender means shifting those defenses to woman, just like it means shifting desire to woman.  And the line between desire and abuse has always been close, from the kid who punches the girl he likes to the homophobe who needs to extend the defenses he uses to hold his internal desires in check to those who walk in the world letting their own desire show.

As a woman, I'll guarantee you that the gal in the store has faced her share of jerks in the past.  Roll your eyes at her, and she'll smile, the two of you bonding over what kind of dicks men can be. 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't complain.  It's good for stores to have diversity policies.  I certainly have complained in the past, and it has sensitized the venue.

But the challenge isn't getting people to follow policy.  It's getting people to open their hearts.  And that's why it's usually better to start with peers, to find support, to puncture the punctilious.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," said Eleanor Roosevelt.  Every bully in school knows that too; it's no fun to pick on someone who doesn't get upset by the jabs.

It's hard to walk in the world as a phobogenic object, one many people think they have not only the right to fear, but also the right to humiliate and the right to destroy, according to the doctrine of their own church.  I think of Tyra Hunter who bled to death while a Washington DC ambulance attendant stopped treating when he found that she had male genitalia.

But their choices are about them, not about you.  And when others see you attacked, they often have compassion.  It's hard to smile and take power in your own self-knowledge when someone is hitting you in a sensitive place, but when you handle the hits with grace & wit, keeping your center, well, you stand the chance of finding allies and changing minds.

By all means, stand up for rights by complaining.

But also learn to stand up everyday, by finding ways you can not let the idiots get you down, by finding ways that you can connect with allies.

As women, our power is in our connection with others, including other women.  And when you can connect with that in confidence , you can stand in the moment. 

"Does he always enjoy mocking customers like this?" you can ask.

The answer will probably be yes.  It's about him, not you.

Show him you take it like a woman you age handles any other idiot boy.

And of course, being a woman who hasn't been out as much as your age might suggest, well, that will take some consideration & practice.

[rhonda13000]

 

Ooooooooohhhhh.........the 'evil' part of me wished that I was in your shoes when this happened....sometimes, I really am gratified in verbally making obnoxious people 'melt into the carpet'....

They judged you by appearance and not by what resides within you, a sweet and wonderful human being who happens to possesses great worth.

We all encounter immaturity in this very special journey and I know that it hurts, but you need to keep in mind that their reactions [and that is much of the problem: theirs are mere reactions without love or thought], represent only that: their thoughtless and loveless reactions and therefore they do not represent reality.

Pity them sweetie, if anything, for they have both cost themselves of an opportunity to meet a very special woman and human being and have chosen to function in their lives, on an abysmally low level of acumen and demeanor. 

[Lori]

Instead of focusing on the one sole individual that did this (and I would report him all the way to the corporate office) think about the first person that helped you. Also think about the others in the store that didn't take part in his actions. Seems to me it was just him. I wasn't there, but you specifically state the other person in the store did not take part nor did the customers she was helping. Seems to me he was alone in this.

The only way to hurt jerks like this is to get them in the wallet. I'd write all the way up the ladder, and if I got zero response, I'd call the local news, the local paper, the logo channel, my mayor and who ever else it took to cause such a stink this company would never have an employee that could or would ever do this again.

[rhonda13000]

Instead of focusing on the one sole individual that did this (and I would report him all the way to the corporate office) think about the first person that helped you. ALso hink about the others in the store that didnt take part in his actions. Seems to me it was just him. I wasnt there but you specifically state the other person in the store did not take part nor did the customers she was helping. Seems to me he was alone in this.

The only way to hurt jerks like this is to get them in the wallet. I'd write all the way up the ladder, and if I got zero response, I'd call the local news, the local paper, the logo channel, my mayor and who ever else it took to cause such a stink this company would never have an emplyee that could would ever do this again.

I absolutely concur with Lori on this and I would do so as coolly as you can, thoughtfully and intelligently - be credible and lucid in presentation.

My temper has gotten me into trouble or has cost me credibility, before. How I stated that I would react, is not recommended.

[Judge Yourself]

Thats utterly disgusting and I've got to agree - that's bloody unprofessional not to mention utterly rude. I'd have to agree with everyone in saying you should report this. I hate stupid, ignorant, insecure in their own selves ... idiots - that's the only word. I can see where youre coming from on the fact you're angry you didnt say anything - I too am the same, I hate most kinds of confrontation and go completely quiet and wantto run away and die. It's something I've had that doesn't relate to gender, just that I let people take the piss too easily. I wouldn't worry too much about 'not doing anything' You can't be held responsible for ignorance...

[GQjoey]

Jees, am I sorry you had to deal with that Bev. Unfortunately no matter where you go, no matter how "accepting" of a community you live in, you always have ignorance. Please don't let those type of people consume your mind. I know it stings, and can sting really bad, but remembering who YOU are, is the best remedy. It obviously doesn't take much to amuse him, consider him a monkey. It takes a LOT more strength to hold your tongue in situations like that, and not sink to their level. But I've also noticed, people like that presume you WILL keep your mouth shut. And sometimes challenging them, shows them their immature antics won't bother you. Cherish the ones who accept and love you, and forget the ones who hate.

[ssindysmith]

I'da bitch slapped him right then and there LOL

[rhonda13000]

I'da bitch slapped him right then and there LOL

[laughing and shaking her tired head...]

Girl, you're crazy. 

Take the subtle approach, huh?!? 

[Suzy]

I'da bitch slapped him right then and there LOL

LOL!  I don't doubt that for one minute.  However, I think the pen idea is more likely to get good results.

Good luck.  Can we write letters of support for you?  And after you get an apology (which I'm sure will be forthcoming) would you mind if we wrote them thanking them for changing their stance?

Just an idea.

Kristi

[Renae.Lupini]

Karma is a bitch. This person will get it back at them worse than they gave it to you. Don't waste time getting bent out of shape over something as trivial as some kid being an idiot. If stupid people annoy you then you are in for a miserable existence. Take the high ground and smile then thank him for the service. When these losers know that they have gotten to us it gives them a sense of fulfillment. When we smile and walk away they feel as if they lost something.

edit: Rule 11 (karen)

[Ms Bev]

Dearest Bev,

For what it's worth, my heart goes out to you, hon... I think Tink is entirely correct about using a little of the good old-fashioned poison-pen magic.

Annagirl...........you're soo sweet.  That, and someone to reckon with!  Thanks you for your support and advice girl.

Luv,

Bev

.......I encourage you to write a thoughtful letter, and to rehearse a dignified way to handle a similar situation, should one occur in the future. 

Karen.......I agree, and thanks for your support.  Yes, I'll be writing Corporate.


Luv,

Bev

Definately complain. It's not too late either.

Susan........as always, thanks for taking an active part, and caring so much.   Yes, I'll complain, in a short time.

Luv

Bev

Always do something! It is amazing to see how responsive companies are to letters.

Cindi

Cindi, thank you for your encouragement.  I've written many letters to officials in the past, quite successfully, and I won't let this one pass by.

Luv,

Bev

This is their  corporate customer service e-mail address customerservice@sterlingoptical.com and
Go get 'em girlfriend.

Beverly

Thanks for saving me the time, Miss Kitty.  I'll be sending something their way very soon (no, not the guy's left ear in an envelope) LOL...
Thanks again for your support.

As always, Luv

Bev

It's hard to walk in the world as a phobogenic object, one many people think they have not only the right to fear, but also the right to humiliate and the right to destroy

And of course, being a woman who hasn't been out as much as your age might suggest, well, that will take some consideration & practice.

Callan.....what can I say, but thank you so much for your wonderful insight and understanding.  Welcome to Susans!

Luv,

Bev

Ooooooooohhhhh.........the 'evil' part of me wished that I was in your shoes when this happened....
They judged you by appearance and not by what resides within you, a sweet and wonderful human being who happens to possesses great worth..............
Pity them sweetie, if anything, for they have both cost themselves of an opportunity to meet a very special woman and human being and have chosen to function in their lives, on an abysmally low level of acumen and demeanor. 

2 things come to mind, rhonda...........Please don't ever get mad at me and melt me into the carpet.  I'm sure you can!

The other is, (awwwww.......what a sweet woman you are.  Thanks so much for your concern.

Luv,

Bev

I'da bitch slapped him right then and there LOL

ssindy........Whoa!....what a deliciously wonderful feeling that would have been 

Luv,

Bev

.....think about the first person that helped you. Also think about the others in the store that didn't take part in his actions. Seems to me it was just him.......Seems to me he was alone in this.

Lori........I take great comfort that this creep had no other visible support in his emotional assault.  Yes, I'll be writing a letter to the corporate office soon.

Luv,

Bev

I'd have to agree with everyone in saying you should report this.

Judge............yes, I am going to take action. Thanks for your concern....


Luv

Bev

.......no matter where you go, no matter how "accepting" of a community you live in, you always have ignorance. Please don't let those type of people consume your mind..

That's good advice, GQjoey.  I'll remember that.

Luv

Bev

.......no matter where you go, no matter how "accepting" of a community you live in, you always have ignorance. Please don't let those type of people consume your mind. I know it stings, and can sting really bad, but remembering who YOU are, is the best remedy..

good advice JQjoey.......I'll remember that

Luv

Bev

Karma is a MF'r. This person will get it back at them worse than they gave it to you.

Renae......probably so.  Sooner or later, his hatred will catch up with him.

Luv

Bev

[Judge Yourself]

Best of luck with fighting 'the man'. Let us know how you get on - hopefully he'll get strung up (literally would be good)