This hurts... Hard realization... I'm not the woman I wanted to be.....

[auburnAubrey]

Hey All.....  Haven't been in here for a while.  Been having a hard time, and not really sure why that was...... until the other day in therapy when something came up.  It was interesting in that how it came up was so casual....... yet it hit so hard.

I have a lot of walls up.  As a lot of you know I have a successful life.  I've achieved a lot as a guy.  I burried the girl in me, and created quite an amazing life.  When it came to transition, my therapist had trouble getting through my walls.  And in one little comment....... which was "I think I missed my time"....... a wall crumbled, and things came out.  It was at the end of my session, so I didn't get to really go into it.  Yet, as my therapist noted, I wouldn't let myself cry over it.  The wall remained.  Even with all this estrogen.... hell, I cry watching the Simpsons for gosh sakes... I wouldn't cry.  I've tried to let it go the past week, as it's been killing me.  Barely eat... just sit on the couch... (I did take the time to watch all seasons of breaking bad... great show..)  But anyway, I thought, maybe I should get it out in here.  I'm ususally the one helping others here, but I think it's time I write about my stuff.

So, this is what I realized.  I'll never be the woman I wanted to be.  I'll never grow up with girlfriends.  I'm way past puberty.  I'll never get to grow up from a girl to a woman.  I'll never be daddy's little girl.  Never go to prom as a woman.  Won't experience bonding with other girls in high school as we discover who we are.  I won't be that 20 something girl in the club, dancing in a pretty, but short dress.  I don't know....... there's so much.  When I thought about becoming a woman, I think my mind was sitting there the whole time.  As if, when I started the transition, I would go back there.  But I can't.  I"m 43.  I think in my mind, I"m this 18-20 year old girl..... with her whole life ahead.  Except I'm not.  And I won't be.  Ever.

Now I'm having the problem of being lost...... as if I'm two people.  After All, what has Aubrey done with her life?  She's 3 years old.  I've only had the hormonal balance of a woman for a short time. In my head lies the dreams of the young child, so desperately wanting to be a woman.  The little girl who never had a voice.  Never had an experience.  Never had a life.  And after 40 years, this guy says "Ok, your turn".......  And the girl is lost, and the guy has problems letting go of his life he built.  The girl was always hidden away.  And suddenly, she's here......  With the dreams of a young girl, and the body of an old man.

And I just can't seem to figure out how to process that.  That stark contrast.  I don't know if I want to take down that wall and let myself feel the pain that little girl felt being trapped.  Watching her life go by, and her not being able to even be out to enjoy it.  Not being able to participate at all.  So, I think that all this has stopped me in my tracks.

I don't hate myself.  I'm not sure how much I love myself, but I don't hate myself.  My spiritual mind tells me to stop it.  People have worse problems than me.  I understand that life isn't always fair, or perfect.  But really, how could anyone do this to a little girl?  If it were the girls parents....... that kept her hidden in the closet, wouldn't let her speak, wouldn't let her go out..... they'd be put in jail.  Yet I did this.  I did this to me.  I wasn't strong enough to say anything.  And I had my chances..... but I couldn't do it.  (Back then, remember, there was no internet.  I had no idea that anyone else in the world felt like this.  I just thought something was wrong with me.)  So I kept quiet.  I locked this girl away, and now I'm letting her go out, and she doesn't know what to do.  And I don't think she likes me all that much for making her miss what was supposed to be her life.  LIke "Why did you let me go now?  Why didn't you just keep me hidden?  What am I supposed to do now?"  And I just don't know what to tell her.

I just don't know what to tell her.

Well, at least the tears are here now.  Anyway....... thanks for listening.

[MaidofOrleans]

You are not alone. Most of us have missed much of what we would consider our childhood. Even us early-mid 20's transitioners feel this. Hell almost every week I have an episode where I regret not coming out earlier. I mean my early childhood wasn't that bad but the puberty years and much of college were a complete train wreck for me. I hated myself and suffered so much during what is considered by society to be some of the best years of life, young free and careless.

However I must remind myself that this time is past, that focusing on something that can never be changed is a futile waste of time. The best we can do is live what time we've given ourselves to the fullest and to work to change the world so that generations of young trans people after us may be able to express their true selves without fear or denial. We are simply a product of our environment. I do not hate my time as a male though I did not enjoy it I believe it made me the woman I am today, strong and unique.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are beautiful, strong and have much life yet to live and much to give. 

[kelly_aus]

Live the life you missed.. I am, as much as possible.

Age is a state of mind. For the most part, I act and think like someone in her early 20's - even my therapist has commented on it. I'm taking steps to go back to the kind of work I wanted to do when I got out of high school. Most of my friends are in their 20's.. I party like there's no tomorrow. I'm squeezing all the fun out of life that I can.

[Tristan]

that just means you have some fun to make up for. just like a woman who was attached to one guy from 15-40 and is now single. have fun and enjoy yourself. if you feel 20 have fun like a 20 year old. im not saying be easy or anything like that. just go out and start enjoying being you and make up for lost time.

[MaidofOrleans]

Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ....





....don't hate

[bojangles]

Wow, Aubrey. I don't know what to say, but you just pretty much told my story. Different things missed, same kind of thoughts and feelings. I don't express this stuff very well, but you do & I thank you for taking the time to put it in words.

What I've been trying to do with it is let my boy enjoy this puberty and explore the world while the old adult self stands guard. It seems to mostly have to guard against internal judgement and paralysis. But we have managed to go out and try some new things. Everything new he puts into this life helps him focus on today & stretch his identity & even build some new body memories. It's a start, anyway. We don't have to know where we're going...that's the fun of exploring.

[Tristan]

Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ....





....don't hate

i wont hate on you as i sleep with teddies too. but yeah ladies make up for the lost time. thats what im doing and it really does help

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I relate to this, and I suppose this is why a lot of us dress younger and act younger than our age, but its better to enjoy whats coming rather than spend it worry about what could have been in the past.

You are probably right about most the stuff on your list, but not being able to wear short skirts and dance at night clubs? Please! :-) You def look like you could pull that off easily :-)

I also have a thing for teddies, but I have been too embarrassed to buy myself one....   I think I will feel safer giving in to myself on that one now seeing the other posts. :-)

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

At 58, I can relate.  I, too, never got to grow up as a girl.  Most of my life was as a male.  And even now I don't seem to have many friends, IRL.  I do wish I could have been a "Daddy's girl."  But that has past, so I make the best of being a woman now.

Maybe one day, I will have girlfriends and can be part of that world.

Be strong.  At least we have a chance now.

[peky]

I wish i could have been "any bodies child" but that along with "not growing as a girl" did not happened. So, you are not alone with the "loss."

However, in my case there is no hurt...I made sure my kids were "daddy's kids, all of them." Through them I enjoy the childhood I never had. As I see my girls turn from girls into young ladies, I vicariously enough ride along with them.

Take heart darling,  find the alternate path...

[ZoeM]

Can you want to be the woman you are?

Sure, you're not quite where you dreamed you would be. But do you think you can learn to like where you are?
God only knows we can't do much about our age. Even more than our gender, our physical age moves in a precise and measured way, and nothing we can do can fix that. So I guess I wonder, is there a 43-year-old woman you can want to be? Can be content as?

[natastic]

Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ....





....don't hate

awww <3     

no h8 ^.^

[natastic]

I just don't know what to tell her.

Tell her you're sorry.

And try to keep moving forward.

[Zumbagirl]

I'm a post transition woman and I truly love my life. I had a good career before my transition and an even better career post. So I didn't go to the prom or get walked down the aisle. BFD. How many women speak about proms?? None that's how many. I live a truly authentic life. I love being a woman emotionally physically, sexually every way I can dream of. There wasn't a wall big enough in this world that would keep me from my happiness. Enjoy your life before its over or too late.

[auburnAubrey]

So I guess I wonder, is there a 43-year-old woman you can want to be? Can be content as?

Best question of the day...

And thanks for all the responses.  It's weird, because I already know the answers.  And no, I haven't mourned... which is what my therapist is trying to get me to do.  I use my spiritual mind now to say all the things everyone else in here said.  Live now.  Can't change the past, etc and so on.  But as my therapist says, that doesn't help me process the pain that is inside.  The little girl doesn't want to hear that..... she wants to scream that it's not fair.. she wants to throw a temper tantrum.  And I just won't let myself do that.  I know I have to....... just let it go.  And I don't know why I can't.  Like I don't want to hear the words coming out of my mouth or something.  And I know its crazy...... I know I have to let it go.  Mourn, then let it go and continue.  But I guess if I won't let myself mourn.... won't let myself hurt... won't let myself cry over it, those feelings will stay inside.

Guess I got used to keeping everything inside better than I thought I did.  Now I have to trust myself to let it out.  And then, yeah, work on the "Is there a 43 year old woman that I want to be...."

Feel kind of silly even talking about it.  It's pretty obvious.  Just wasn't expecting it to hurt so bad seeing that thought process.......

[Nero]

Wow. I felt much the same way. But you've really hit on something I had never considered before. I had just assumed that much the reason I felt I missed out on so much was because I wasn't successful in my birth sex. I always assumed people who were had it made even after transition.

There's something else too. I think trans women miss out on something that's just not as big a deal for men as it is for women. High school, dances, being young and 'hot', and all those experiences are more important to women's development than men's. It's certainly much more glorified in our culture for women than for men.

You've missed out on something very important to most females. No wonder you're crying. Any girl would. Go ahead and grieve about it and don't feel bad for doing so. Then do what you can to make up for what you missed the first time around.

If that's you in your avatar, you're gorgeous and don't look anywhere near 40. Better go out and make the most of your looks while you got them. Look young, act young, you are young. It's that simple. Who says you can't reclaim these experiences. So what if you have to take part in them later than most?

[muuu]

.

[my mother's other daughter]

Part of mourning is hurting and being angry.  You have lost something and it was not fair.  I have experienced the feeling of a lost life and having to mourn what was lost so as to move into the present.  I also had a successful and long life as a male, but it was a hollow life.  Like I lived someone else's life and had someone else's happiness.  Now, I get to have my own happiness and know it is mine.

[kathy bottoms]

Aubrey:

In my diary there's pages filled with self pity and pain over the exact same feelings.  I started transition so late in life that one foot may be in the grave by the time I have SRS.  But I still go on. 

We all missed a special childhood.  It was something so close to our touch, and preciously wanted, but so horribly distant.  I believe we will leave all this doubt and pity behind, and begin to grapple with our own special womanhood.  The best days are around the corner, and I'm determined to take mine as they come.

Don't get me wrong, because it still hurts to have missed that life.  To have been exluded from the one group I needed, while uncomfortably muddling through childhood, puberty, and adulthood in total confusion.  But time moves on, and we can change the way we live.   So I'm now more determined than ever to stop wasting more time, and find a way to live what's left of my days as a woman.  And live those days fully. 

Take care Aubrey.  You're not alone.

Hugs, Kathy

[Jay-Bird]

Aubrey, you are so very much not alone in this.
I for one quite often have very much similar feelings regarding starting late, I started at 33.
I definitely feel like I missed heaps, possibly the best years. I remember the jealousy in my teens and 20's of cis-girls very well, wishing I could wear what they do, have the life they do and be just be like them, wondering why I wasn't.

I am never going to have those years back either, so much missed and now I am finally me and I'm a mid 30's woman. I get pretty self conscious sometimes when I wear the clothes I like, I tend to dress like an old 80's goth which makes me happy but I really don't think its quite the appropriate attire for a mid 30's lady. But then part of me thinks #!#@!! it, its who I am and I like it.

Really though, what can you do? There are many beautiful years left ahead that's for sure, and there is no way in hell I would or could for that matter spend them as a man.

Also I think maybe now for those of us who started late its perhaps a bit more confronting as there seems to be so much more exposure for trans people and acceptance everywhere, with this comes great opportunity, so many more lucky young ones coming out and being free. At least that's what I have seen here in Australia.

One more thing though I will say, from your profile photo you look really pretty and I would not have put you at 40's if someone asked, more 30's, so you have gained some years

Jay-Bird