This hurts... Hard realization... I'm not the woman I wanted to be.....

[AusBelle]

A very interesting thread with many interesting posts.

I grew up before the age of the internet and like many others grew up thinking I was abnormal.  I remember wondering at 11 in 1977, what the term for 'what I was' was called.  I thought it might have been 'gay'.  Did most 'boys' like me imagine their future as a wife and mother, or picture their wedding with their father walking them down the isle in a beautiful dress?  Did other boys dream about fashions and when no one was looking pretend to be a fashion model strutting down the catwalk etc etc?  I didn't think so.  The only literature I could find was in an old encyclopedia which mention cross dressers and a cure which involved electric shock treatment.   So naturally I buried my feelings deep. 

I was very jealous of my sisters.  They were growing up exactly how I wanted to and had seen my future when I was younger and this really hurt by my late teens and I have to say I took some of this jealousy out on them. 

But moving on and getting to my main point.  After I had gone through transition I started living live to the full at age 29.  I had friends and we went out night clubbing, to dinners, had sleep overs, went away on weekends with the girls.  I felt like I was finally making up for lost time.  This went on for quite a few years until we tired of nightclubs and just preferred the quite life.  Looking back I had a great time and we have heaps of photos of us having fun back then. 

The thing is you may grieve for that time, and there is nothing wrong with that.  But look ahead to the future and make the best you can of it. You are never too old to do that.  I did and am so glad that I had the chance

[Jamie D]

Best question of the day...

And thanks for all the responses.  It's weird, because I already know the answers.  And no, I haven't mourned... which is what my therapist is trying to get me to do.  I use my spiritual mind now to say all the things everyone else in here said.  Live now.  Can't change the past, etc and so on.  But as my therapist says, that doesn't help me process the pain that is inside.  The little girl doesn't want to hear that..... she wants to scream that it's not fair.. she wants to throw a temper tantrum.  And I just won't let myself do that.  I know I have to....... just let it go.  And I don't know why I can't.  Like I don't want to hear the words coming out of my mouth or something.  And I know its crazy...... I know I have to let it go.  Mourn, then let it go and continue.  But I guess if I won't let myself mourn.... won't let myself hurt... won't let myself cry over it, those feelings will stay inside.

Guess I got used to keeping everything inside better than I thought I did.  Now I have to trust myself to let it out.  And then, yeah, work on the "Is there a 43 year old woman that I want to be...."

Feel kind of silly even talking about it.  It's pretty obvious.  Just wasn't expecting it to hurt so bad seeing that thought process.......

There is nothing silly about it at all.  My girl inside screams every single day.

[ddone]

well, I even cannot get HRT since I do not get the letter yet...

[Dawn Heart]

Aubrey...hugs!! I am so sorry to see you going through this! As others have said, we are all going to contend with this exact issue, but we will all do it differently. In therapy recently, I spoke briefly about having to find myself again because I feel like I lost my real self having to hide the female side of me, the REAL me from the world.

I am in the process of trying to remember the happier parts of my childhood, still feeling younger just like you, and realizing that I have lost some of those growing up girl experiences, but reminding myself that my body may have been wrong but I was always the real me inside. I am in the process of recovering the happier memories of life and re-discovering the things I have always loved that make me who I am.

Girl, it's hard! Luckily, I am starting to be able to cry with my therapist during the most emotional topics that hit me hard. She makes me feel safe, she makes me feel human, valuable, worthwhile, accepted, and whole She does what a therapist is supposed to do. That includes challenging my thinking when needed so she can help me sort it all out.

So much happens in transition, and I am also finding that it is more complicated than it all looks. I want it so bad, want it all to just be completed like it should have been at birth, but, I know when I am done with transition and start building my new life as the TRUE me, it will all be worth it.

Thank you, Aubrey, for everything you shared! You really said things I wish I could express so clearly! I'm always here for you or other women here! 

   

[Chris29]

Thanks to the OP for this post, I kinda really feel the same way.
Me beeing only 20 years old and still kinda gratefull that I m starting young but the feelings are somehow very similiar. I m grieving for the years I ve missed during highschool and that I had to go through this horrible male puberty. It s probably the same for everyone, I think you ll probably always wonder what could have been and what you ve missed in your life.
I talked with my therapist about this too in my last session, that I can't somehow forgive myself for not starting at 14. So probably it s really just best to shed your tears about it and then get on with it, atleast you ve got many years in your right gender ahead of you
Hugs
Chrissie

[auburnAubrey]

And hell, mine was even worse, because my mom actually read my journal at one point, and even confronted me about it, saying "look, if you want to be a female," and talked with the therapist about it, and I STILL wouldn't admit it, explaining it away with excuses.

My mom caught me in my sisters clothes when I was around 14...  I still remember the fear I felt, and did the same thing... explained it away.  I wonder if I wanted to get caught... because normally, I would be so meticulous about everything... even putting jewlery back exactly the same way it was.. if there was a bend in a necklace, that bend would be perfect when I laid it back down.  I still don't know why I got caught...  But yeah, call it another chance.  Then a few years later, my mom found a wig and some other items in my closet... and never said a word about it.  She told me years later...... and of course, I was mad as hell... why couldn't she know?  She probably did, but also had no education about it to know how to confront me....  But that never helps when I wanted so desperately to have someone tell me what I wanted....  Why didn't she put it all together?  Why oh why oh why??  Or, why the heck couldn't I just say, "Mom, I want to be a girl".  So weird to look back on it..... so many chances....

I watched the latest Star Trek movie yesterday... the JJ Abrams one... (again).. but there was a line about spock that really hit home...  Spock, for those who dont' know, is half human, half Vulcan... anyway, when confronting the emotions within him at the death of his mother, (Vulcans don't show emotion)... he admits to his dad how angry he is and how he wants to kill who killed his mother... then, his father says "It's ok... you'll always be a child of two worlds..."

Wow.  I found so much peace with that idea... being a child of two worlds.  Only mine are male and female.  For some reason, I felt balanced again.

It's amazing how much we all go through such similar feelings and emotions...  And again, thanks for all the kind words, the sharing of your own personal (and painful) experiences and thoughts, and just being there.  Over the last week, I've calmed down a bit...  I think just getting it out was a big step.  Something I didn't want to admit... or have it be real.... but I so needed to curse at those moments!!

I still don't know what my future holds, but I know I'll be ok, whatever the outcome........  or, that's just the Vulcan quote talking.... lol

[Michelle G]

I found so much peace with that idea... being a child of two worlds

Those few words say SO much!  that really does help rationalize things a bit better

[Lori]

Thank you for the original post.

It moved me to tears.